sunshine4me Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 (edited) This is my 1st post and I don't even know if this is the right forum, but here it goes. I'm a mw and was having an affair with a mm that just recently ended a week ago. I was emotionally with him for 9months and then it became physical. So for almost a year and half I've been with this other man. I don't even know where to start with this. I have never opened up to anyone in my life as much as I did with this man. I have never been this strongly in love and feel like I have connected with him on a level I have never known before. I have been with my husband 5 years and have 3 small kids, he has been with his wife for 20 years and has 2 teenage kids. He is 50 years old and I'm 33. We met at work and he is in a supervisory role, not my personal boss. The thing is, he was the one that always told me how much he was in love with me, I was his soulmate, he wants to be with me, we'll be together forever. He showered me with attention and gifts and we texted and talked daily and met 1x every 2 weeks, sometimes every week to be together. I feel so stupid for allowing myself to get to this point. I love my husband, he is a wonderful man, great dad, good husband, good provider, but I'm not in love with him. This situation is so messed up. I'm ashamed of myself, but I still can't stop my feelings from growing for this other man. I know how wrong this is on every level and feel so guilty. Last Friday after we were together he was acting differently, not caring, not loving. Didn't care when we had to leave. I tried talking to him about it but he seemed indifferent. Not at all what I was used to with him. He was always very affectionate and loving and said all the right things. I flipped out and ended it with him. Here's the problem, as messed up as this is I didn't want to end it with him, I wanted him to reassure me that he loved me. Instead I got reassured that he doesn't care. I think he took this opportunity to leave me because he wasn't feeling it anymore and I gave him the out by ending it. Now I feel stupid and like a fool that I opened up to this man and got to this level only to get burned. I'm heartbroken. It's so hard with him missing from my life we would spend so much time either talking on the phone or texting that I feel lost now. We have never gone a day without talking. We have to work together too. I can't stop my feelings, I'm so hurt by him. I need help getting over him. It's not like I can cry to my friends about this. I'm so alone. Edited August 6, 2010 by sunshine4me entry change
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Get some counselling. Find out why you let another man, let alone a married man get close to you. You've only been married 5 years and have 3 young kids! You enjoyed the excitement and taboo of an affair. You may feel inlove with him, but it's all based on lust, intense feelings and sex. It's an affair, not a relationship. What about your husband. you say you aren't inlove with him anymore. How do YOU define love? In the heart, feelings, sex and lust? Or more substantial and reliable love, like what you have with your H? If you don't love your husband, divorce him so HE can find a woman who will adore and love him, not cheat on him. As for your MM, to him, it was an affair.. Exciting, sexy, made him feel good but he probably didn't want you to get so attached. He wants it simple and light hearted, which changed along the way... That's probably why he's backed off and changed his attitude towards you. You did the right thing by ending it. Now, the rest is up to you.. Do you tell your H the truth so you can fix your marriage, quit your job since seeing MM daily is going to be hard, let alone be even harder for you to gain your H's trust if you continue working with this MM.
secretlady76 Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Even though it doesn't feel right, you did do the right thing ending it. Just count your lucky stars it finished before the s*** hit the fan and your husband or his wife found out, trust me, MM would have dumped you on your arse the minute the wife found out anyway. I wouldn't necessarily promote telling your husband, but I would suggest going 'No contact', cut all ties with this man etc, leave your work and get another job, you will not be over this until you stop seeing him. Until you get this idiot out of your life you will not be able to put your whole self into your marriage. I'm sure your husband is suspicious anyway that something is going on, they always sense something, just suprised he hasn't brought it up yet. Please accept it is over, grieve and then move on. This MM will no doubt find a replacement soon, he sounds like he knows what he's doing, unfortunately you fell for it. Good luck and stay strong, the people here will help you.
Author sunshine4me Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 Ugh! I know you're right but it's hard to see it when you're living it. Thats why I feel so stupid. I'm attracted to and feel like I'm in love with this other man in every way. With my husband I love him but do not have passionate feelings for him, I never did. I won't try contacting the other man but it's just so hard not to! I spent so much of my days communicating with him.
Author sunshine4me Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 secretlady, my husband is suspicious but i don't think he would ever consider I would cheat on him. it was getting difficult to pretend with him. If he checked the phone records he would know. The other man is very smooth and attractive and has a psych major. I think he profiled me as an easy mark. I blame myself for getting this far.
Crow9726 Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Do your husband a favor and provide full disclosure. He deserves to know the type of woman he is married to and has the right to either stay with you and work it out or divorce you. As far as the OM...go full NC. He used you and you allowed yourself to be used. He is at fault and so are you. The only way to keep the guilt from eating away at the little self-esteem you apparently have is to come clean. Your husband will eventually find out what you have done to destroy your wedding vows. It's much better it comes from you and not through a third party or from him digging for information.
lkjh Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Tell your H so he can divorce you and find a wife that is worth it. Not some chick that would fall for the oldest trick in the book. "Pretend to listen, bang her, and then ditch her". This is why girls are dumb. I am sorry, I know everyone will get mad. But all you have to do is pretend that yo care what they have to say, they imagine that it is something bigger and deeper and BAM. Next thing you know the woman is capable of destroying her H and kids because she thinks there might be a chance that this guy is her "Sole-mate". In reality he was just some guy trying to get some action on the side. When you are 33 life is no different from when you were in high school. Guys will try an have sex with and even put up with crap to get it. You were not with him for a year because all he had to do was listen to you at work and occasionally on your lunch break. Meanwhile your H is working on building a family and future with you and he gets no respect.
lkjh Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 I know you are not going to do this because you are a selfish person, but tell your H
Author sunshine4me Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 Thanks for the dose of reality, no matter how harsh. I know I need it. Apparently I've been living a fantasy and escaping from real life. Maybe the other man was a drug to me releasing endorphins and making me feel good when to him it was all just an act.
Mimolicious Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 I have a question! Until you get this idiot out of your life you will not be able to put your whole self into your marriage. I'm sure your husband is suspicious anyway that something is going on, they always sense something, just suprised he hasn't brought it up yet. Why is this guy an idiot? You have to understand, a man his age, with older kids, and in a marriage for more than half of what you have been alive, probably doesn't really want to complicate his life. Yes, he looked outside his M, perhaps he has done it before. You, you probably felt comfortable with the dude, sat there and ditched out how much you lack at home (even if they are little things) and how you are not "in love" with your husband, etc... That is an open window for someone looking for some fun. Of course, he was going to make you feel better and princess you. You would have not "fallen in love" with him if he didn't. Once you were no longer a challange, he is no longer interested. Either that or he really doesn't want this to spin out of control. SMART MAN! Another question- You have 3 kids under the age of 5, right? WTH are you doing offering so much time to someone other than you kids, home and H? See... this is where people go wrong and then complaint when things fall apart. They have their priorities screwed up. Honestly, you may be the best mother on earth but I am sure you have put one of your kids on pause to entertain text or phone convos with your MM. Somewhere somehow you neglected attending your home and H to nurture your A. You may have that whole "in love" feeling for this guy but in reality that feeling is not going to give a home to your children. Put food on your table and raise a family. Remove everything you have right now (home, family, etc) from the picture and just keep the "in love" feeling you have for this MM, as your frame. What do you have now? Try this and see what you get. If you don't feel like you want to be in a R with your H, then be honest and tell him, work it from there and make the best arrangement you can. You first priority should be the welfare of your kids. Not a feeling for a man, a married one at that! Seek counseling if you can. If you flipped your wig because your MM was indifferent once, imagine the torture of seeing him ignore you at work everyday. Find another job! BTW, read these forum and see for yourself what happens to most people that follow a feeling. They waste years of their lives waiting on the side (with the exeption of very few), they hurt people who love then, hurt their children and mostly end with nothing but tainted love. Good luck!
scatterd Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 If you are not in love with your husband you need to let him know.It is hard to love your husband when you are into another man.I would go to counseling and find out why you fell for OM also if you intend to make it work with your husband I would go to MC.Going NC is the best way out if you see him he will come back fishing then you will be on a roller coaster ride and will get caught. I would get a different job change shifts do anything you can to not see him. Any contact makes it harder to get away and takes longer to heal.He showed you how he really feels and I am sure he gave you some kind of line like he is not in love with his wife,that he is not happy,or they never have sex.His wife probably suspects that hes cheating and is going to try to catch him.I am sorry you hurt and are in this mess but once you get over him and work on your marriage you will be happy you did.Keep writing you will find people to be very helpful.Good luck
skywriter Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 sunshine4me, I'm sorry you don't have someone that you can confide in abt your A. I understand that and how you beat yourself up about even being in an A. You say that you don't want to end this with him. This is where I have to wonder what you think will happen if you don't end this. Believe you me, I understand how you are feeling since he pulled away, but looking in, I see it as a good thing for you. ....and maybe the fact is, he does actually care enough not to gamble with his marriage and your marriage any longer. He may have been the stronger of the two of you, stepped up and stopped it before all was revealed. It's hard to say why he was indifferent towards you, "the end" is never as as we would've written it. The biggest hurdle will be accepting it, realising it really is for the best if there isn't any future for the two of you. Just give yourself time and try to rationalise the fact that the innocent spouses in this never discovered the A.
U2RockZz Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 " I love my husband, he is a wonderful man, great dad, good husband, good provider, but I'm not in love with him. This situation is so messed up. I'm ashamed of myself" oh....you are ashamed of yourself cuz your plan hasn't worked out your way....you still would like to be in the A if your supposed OM acted as you wanted him to be....but you had your fun at your H's expense " I opened up to this man and got to this level only to get burned. I'm heartbroken" this is another bull....you played your H for fool for 2 yrs in 5yrs M.....if there is anybody burnt is it's your H who is under your false pretense "I love him but do not have passionate feelings for him, I never did" then why in the hell you had 3kids with him....just to ruin his life....anyways i would suggest your H get tested for stds ,DNA test on kids....HIV test as his next anniversary gift..... "i don't think he would ever consider I would cheat on him" you seem to be exploited it to the maximum....whether you tell him or not truth will come out one or other way.....
joey66 Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 I'm going to respectfully disagree with (some) of the other posters. If you end it with the OM (and I think you should fwiw), then I do not think that you should tell your M. If you plan to leave him, then tell, by all means. If you are going to stay in the M, then do not tell. All it will do is cause him pain. This is a time to let sleeping dogs lie. In any case, good luck to you. Your story is familiar. The things you write about - soulmates, being so in love, showering you with gifts, feeling stupid, loving your H - are common in As. You are not alone. I wish you the best.
ladydesigner Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 I'm going to respectfully disagree with (some) of the other posters. If you end it with the OM (and I think you should fwiw), then I do not think that you should tell your M. If you plan to leave him, then tell, by all means. If you are going to stay in the M, then do not tell. All it will do is cause him pain. This is a time to let sleeping dogs lie. In any case, good luck to you. Your story is familiar. The things you write about - soulmates, being so in love, showering you with gifts, feeling stupid, loving your H - are common in As. You are not alone. I wish you the best. I agree with this. Best to just move forward.
Author sunshine4me Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 I just got home from work and I had to see hime for the 1st time since I ended it last week. I only passed by him and just that small contact sent my heart racing, stomach twisting, palms sweating, anxiety sky high! It's so hard. He ended up emailing me and saying that he is so in love with me and how could I end it and I destroyed him. I emailed back saying that he was lying to himself or to me. I think he's going to start contacting me again. Half of me wants him, selfishly and the other half wants him out of my life for the sake of my family. The problem is, I am so weak for him. I love everything about him. I'm trying to be strong but I can't stop thinking about him and wanting to be with him again. A poster sent a reply stating that I was upset that the affair didn't go how I wanted it to. Sadly, that is correct. I didn't want it to end. I'm trying to be strong. I won't see him at work for probably another week and then will be going on vacation after that. I'm hoping that time apart will help me through this process. I can't take it!!!!
U2RockZz Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 yes, i am the poster who wrote it......but do not worry about it....one way or other the truth will come out ....your H will be relived from you for good......people like you shouldn't have married to start with.......i still don't understand what your H might have seen in you to get married to you......
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