cookie2 Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 For a UK divorce. Is there any real point in naming the OM on the divorce petition? Sure it might make me feel better for a little while, to know that his name is being dragged through the dirt. But in the long run, is there really any point? Would it actually just slow down the whole process, if the courts need to contact him etc? STBXW is quite amicable and won't contest the divorce, so is there anything to be gained by naming?
Doing it Since '78 Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Dude go hard or go home-mine was amicable too, until she stated to feel the pinch of not being married anymore, then she got bat$ hit crazy, mean and cold hearted. Don't count on her being cool w/divorce, her demeanor won't last forever, so might as well drop the nuke from the jump street
Chinook Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Many years ago, I was friends with a colleague... and I mean friends. He and his wife were going through a divorce. I was named as OW even though I wasn't actually having an affair with him. It irked me and upset me no end because I'd tried to help him out with being a friend (kinda like a counsellor). I could understand it if I had been having an affair... but I wasn't (this isn't my point). Their relationship deteriorated and sank toward divorce well before I was on the scene as his friend. His wife named me simply to hurt him. He wasn't fussed - I was though! The thing is, nothing ever happened. I wasn't contacted, no one asked me whether it was true. No verification or anything..!! So I was named in something I hadn't really participated in and nothing happened about it! There's no real reason for you to name OM. He's brought on his own bad karma, so in the end, what goes around will come around to him. It doesn't need any help from you and really, doing something needless and pointedly crappy, is only going to make you feel bad about it. If it were me, I wouldn't. But, it's your call huh..?!
Woggle Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Chances are she will not remain amicable and you need to go all out. An angry woman is not a rational person and right now you are the source of her pain.
carhill Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 am·i·ca·ble adj. Characterized by or exhibiting friendliness or goodwill; friendly. [Middle English, from Latin, amicus, friend.] Since you've characterized your perception of her behavior as this, what do you think is an appropriate response? I can tell you, at the other end, I've been amicable throughout, but spent the money to Plan B the process if stbx *chose* to alter the amicable approach she took at the beginning of the process. So far, no issues. The settlement agreement is completed and has to be drafted in proper form and filed with the court and then we're done. Remaining *amicable* throughout the process, for myself, was assisted by having a plan for other contingencies. Do you think naming the OM is being amicable? Do you think it will assist in resolving your case? Why? If your solicitor is pushing for this, I'd get a second opinion.
Author cookie2 Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 Well some differing perspectives there. Thanks all. I don't quite know how naming him is going "hard" or "all out" though... it won't affect any financial arrangements. I don't have a solicitor yet (can't file for another 3 months), but I have seen one for advice - I didn't ask this question though. I do realize her demeanour could change at any time, I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. But I am just wondering if there are any real advantages to naming the OM. So far I have... Pros: - If she tries to deny adultery it would be useful for him to be named Cons: - More likely to stir up resentment and complication
Woggle Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 She already resents you so why not go further. Being kind to a resentful woman actually tends to make her more angry.
BellaBellaBella Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 I would only do it if it affected the money angle. It does in some states in us.
Justme2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 I agree with Bella. It can affect the financial aspects of the marital assets. For example, you could get a bigger percentage of the marital assets due to infidelity.
Dad_of_2_great_boys Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Don't know if this helps - but here is what my lawyer wrote: "5. The marital relationship has been breached and materially disrupted by Defendant through on-going acts of adultery. Specifically, the Defendant admitted to committing adultery prior with one individual; however, the Plaintiff is informed and believes the Defendant has committed adultery with more than one individual during the course of the marriage whose names can be provided upon request. The Plaintiff is informed and believes the Defendant has continued to engage in adultery and has revived her prior conduct based on the evidence discovered by the Plaintiff. " May be the best of both worlds.....allows the option at the courts request. Good luck and sorry to hear you are in this situation.
Author cookie2 Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 I agree with Bella. It can affect the financial aspects of the marital assets. For example, you could get a bigger percentage of the marital assets due to infidelity. Not in the UK. The reasons for the divorce and even who filed against who, has absolutely no bearing whatsoever.
carhill Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 In at-fault states here in the US, or in no-fault states where at-fault is still an 'option', it's possible to affect the judgment, distribution and/or settlement, as well as custody, with findings of infidelity, criminal conversation, or similar. It's also expensive to pursue legally. Anything legal is expensive, presuming the government isn't paying the legal bill (public aid). Who gains with this public disclosure and is that gain truly healthy? That's the question I'd ask. Stbx and I asked similar questions wrt 'fighting it out in court' and found a public airing of our private business to be counterproductive and an overall waste of time, emotion and money and chose to settle things privately and amicably. Others will choose their path. Hope the OP's works out
collegeguy_24 Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 I would name the OM, you need to do everything you can to make yourself look good. Because from what I understand from your conversations and additional research, it is up to the judges discretion as to who gets what in your divorce, at least its like that in the UK. But the judge also has to read all the documentation and everything that goes with it, so by naming the OM, it lends you more credibility in his eyes as he sees it really is adultery committed by your wife, and your not just filing cause you want to, and thus he may favor you instead. On a side note, I see things like STBX and other abbreviations, is there a list of those on this site anywhere, so that I can understand what people are saying better instead of me guessing?
BB07 Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 On a side note, I see things like STBX and other abbreviations, is there a list of those on this site anywhere, so that I can understand what people are saying better instead of me guessing? See here for your abbreviations list.
TaraMaiden Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 (edited) For a UK divorce. Is there any real point in naming the OM on the divorce petition? Sure it might make me feel better for a little while, to know that his name is being dragged through the dirt. But in the long run, is there really any point? Would it actually just slow down the whole process, if the courts need to contact him etc? STBXW is quite amicable and won't contest the divorce, so is there anything to be gained by naming? Nothing. Quite the contrary in fact. I would name the OM, you need to do everything you can to make yourself look good. Because from what I understand from your conversations and additional research, it is up to the judges discretion as to who gets what in your divorce, at least its like that in the UK. But the judge also has to read all the documentation and everything that goes with it, so by naming the OM, it lends you more credibility in his eyes as he sees it really is adultery committed by your wife, and your not just filing cause you want to, and thus he may favor you instead. On a side note, I see things like STBX and other abbreviations, is there a list of those on this site anywhere, so that I can understand what people are saying better instead of me guessing? Never, EVER name the OW/OM in a divorce petition in the UK. This leaves you open to all kinds of legal complications. The Other person is then in a position to contest the divorce if she or he insists an affair never took place, and potentially what you are doing is taking out two legal indictments instead of one. Which means three lots of finances and assets being under scrutiny, three circumstances, three legally responsible contestants. This is a hugely precarious and dangerous minefield to negotiate. Your ex- may be easygoing, but I wouldn't count on the OM being so placid. Please, however morally tempting it might be, don't do it. It may seem wonderful revenge, but in legal terms it's a really bad idea.... Edited August 8, 2010 by TaraMaiden
collegeguy_24 Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 Nothing. Quite the contrary in fact. Never, EVER name the OW/OM in a divorce petition in the UK. This leaves you open to all kinds of legal complications. The Other person is then in a position to contest the divorce if she or he insists an affair never took place, and potentially what you are doing is taking out two legal indictments instead of one. Which means three lots of finances and assets being under scrutiny, three circumstances, three legally responsible contestants. This is a hugely precarious and dangerous minefield to negotiate. Your ex- may be easygoing, but I wouldn't count on the OM being so placid. Please, however morally tempting it might be, don't do it. It may seem wonderful revenge, but in legal terms it's a really bad idea.... I am curious about this, may I ask for more detail please? Also, if the OP has evidence that an affair did take place, then how can the OM and ex contest if they are in the wrong, no judge, after seeing the evidence and paper work, would side with them. would they?
carhill Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 I think Tara is saying that it (naming the OM) *can be* a potentially nasty can of worms to open up legally, as it presents all sorts of new avenues for counter-suits, cross-complaints (sorry, don't know UK terminology) and such. Far more complex and costly than doing things quiet and amicable. Having had some experience with this, 'evidence' and what one thinks is a slam dunk isn't always the case. Court is like a different world, IME. If I were a solicitor, and one not trying to generate fees at the expense of my client, I'd keep the client focused on the goal, which presumably is to free himself of this emotional pain and be able to co-parent in an effective and loving manner. What's the clearest, least obstacle-filled path to that goal? Given the circumstances, I'd urge the OP in being the 'petitioner' (filer of the divorce) because that, at least here in the US, affords a bit more control over the process, not that it affects the outcome markedly.
Recommended Posts