monochrome Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Im not very active on these boards but I find reading them very helpful. I think the absolute best thing I have taken away from this forum is the idea of total NC (no contact). Almost all threads seem to champion this action and it almost always seems absolutely the right thing to do. But. What happens in a situation where a couple reach a rough patch, break up and both go NC immediately? Are they missing out on an opportunity to talk through the problem and come out the other side a much stronger couple? It truly is a depressing thought to think of two people very much in love, deliberately ignoring each other and both waiting to hear the only thing worth breaking NC for (something like: "im so sorry, i made a huge mistake and will do anything to make up for it"). I guess this situation would only arise out of a mutual break up. Or would it, what do you think? What happens in a "NC vs NC" situation? (Im aware that this may appear to be a veiled attempt to validate me breaking my own NC decision, but it really isn't. I am under no illusion that my ex is secretly hoping to hear from me, im just interested in what other people think about this. That isn't to say that I am not secretly hoping to hear from her though. ......... )
EthanH Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 I'm not sure i totally agree with the idea of mutually breaking up... one of you must have raised the issue first...maybe the other one saw the merits too, but initially, it must have been one of you that raised it. I'm guessing it was her?
Don Ho Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 (edited) As much as we would like to think, I doubt it was "mutual". To try to rationalize contacting her because of your supposed "Mexican stand-off" or that "someone has to reach out to someone" defeats the whole purpose of NC. My guess too is that she broke up with you. Give us some more details. Edited August 6, 2010 by Don Ho
Author monochrome Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 Judging from the first couple of responses; there seems to be some confusion about my post. Given that NC seems to be a very effective course of action after a break up, I wanted to hear what people thought of a situation where both people were doing just that - and potentially missing out on a chance to repair a relationship that was far from unsalvageable. I expressly said that I was not looking for validation for breaking NC, nor that I thought I was in this situation myself. Perhaps my post is unclear, or I have posted in the wrong section? Thanks for your insights all the same. NewYorkPinky: Im sorry to hear you experienced this situation. I think my reasons for choosing NC are similar to yours. Sometimes, NC just makes me feel stubborn and I torture myself with the idea that my being stubborn is costing me a chance to be happy.
Beeotch Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 (edited) I think No Contact....if followed blindly as though one is a part of some NC cult. Where one is mindlessly indoctrinated and is not operating based on practicality and circumstance....is very much foolish. I think that AFTER you have spoken with this person and have come to some agreement or have agreed to disagree, is after which you should not contact them and go on your way to healing. I do not think NC is some magic button you push as soon as you have an argument or you break up. That is completely childish and is infact a defense mechanism. Healthy no contact, is where you listen to yourself and feelings. After you guys have talked and decided that the relationship can't be reconciled right now, or if after trying to talk the other person refuses. Then you simply, leave them alone. You don't have to act like some Nazi about it. If you really have something to say to this person then you can say it...the POINT is that you shouldn't be trying to hang out and talking to them or pretending to be friends when you can't. You have to be honest with yourself....key word HONEST and know what you can handle. Chances are if you want them back then you should err on the side of completely not contacting them until you are over it. For me....(I broke up a year and a half ago and am back just to share). I did limited contact with my ex for a while...and it NATURALLY fell into where I didn't contact him at all. It wasn't some blind rule I had to think about daily and beat myself up over and drill into my head. You really live and learn and cater things to what works for you. I want my next relationship to be my last However, if it isn't and we break up. I plan to have a discussion about it....get it ALL out within a certain time period and go with the flow of moving away from this person so we can both do what we need to do. I WILL not however, try to ignore them and hope they come back or play NC games, where you're not doing it to move on but as a "stand-off" to see who can cave in first. No thanks. Blindly following "NC" is a waste of time and uses a lot of energy. There is a HEALTHY way to do everything and a WARPED and unhealthy way. I choose the former. Edited August 6, 2010 by Beeotch
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