Frequency

[ss1]

Good Morning,

 

I am trying to determine if I am worried about something for not, but I would like to get an an idea from both females and males.

 

1.) What is the average you and your spouse have sex?

2.) How often is that sexual encounter initiated by the wife?

 

I am clear that my; male; desire for sexual interaction is going to be greater than my wife, but I am at the point where it is practically none existent. On average we may have a romantic pause two times a month, and on some months none at all.

 

I want more and we did prior to our marriage, but in addition to the above I am trying to determine the best approach to bring my concern and desire to my wife without offending her.

 

I really would like her to initiate, as I would take this as she is still into me.

 

Feedback would be appreciate and thanks in advance.

 

I look forward to reading both wife and husband responses.

[GordonDarkfoot]

Assuming there are no medical issues preventing sex, I think either partner certainly has the right to be dissatisfied if the sexual encounters diminish to less than about 2-3x/week. I'm not saying it shouldn't be more, but this is around the claimed "average" among couples who have been together for a while. So if it is less than 2-3x a week it's a sign of a potentially serious problem in the relationship.

 

2x a month doesn't cut it.

 

Zero in a month is ridiculous.

[1qkblugt]

The frequency in our house depends on a lot of things ~ work, kids, activities, and other things.

 

It has never dropped below once a week ~ except for the four weeks after i gave birth .. at the most it's been is twice a day.. yes even with two kiddos. We go in spurts though just like the seasons. I rarely tell my husband no though unless i am reallllllllllllly mad at him. With kid "craziness" lol it's really our time to connect emotionally .

 

As for me initiating .. it happens maybe every other week at the most. The least, maybe once a month. Women have a lot going on with kids and household issues. So it is very easy to "forget" sometimes. Just like every other man my husband wishes I initiated more.

[Chinook]

Ahem, in our house it's probably on average twice a day. Morning and evening (both in our 40s). As for who initiates, uhm I guess we both do really, we kinda spend a lot of time connecting emotionally in the evening ... and when we wake up, we generally pay attention to each other before anything else happens in our day.

 

The only times these things don't happen is if we're super busy or stressed. Longest period without any activity was six days... when Mr had vas reversal surgery

 

I should say though, we've only been together for around a year or so now. But we both keep mentioning that we thought it would slow down... doesn't seem to be doing so though.

 

No kiddos in our house (yet) though

[1qkblugt]

I've been with my husband for almost 17 years Forgot to mention that

[maybebaby]

In our house it really varies but it never becomes less than twice a week. When stress is low and our "to do" list isn't crazy we've been known to do it between 2 and sometimes as many as 4 or 5 times a day. In general I guess it's usually about once a day. We take turns initiating I would say it's pretty close to 50/50 though there are times when I (the woman) do more of it than he does. His sex drive is very linked to stress and drops off some when he has a lot on his plate at work where as mine seems to just increase during periods of stress because I want that connection with him as a way to decrease my stress levels.

[martini-mae]

I put this on another thread - but it applies here as well.

 

I think age is a very big factor when there are long breaks in sexual activity between partners. I also think work & family stress levels affect it as well.

My husband & I, (he is 50 - I am 48) We are empty nesters. Many believe that empty nesters have sex all over the place 24/7:). It's just not true. (for the most part) Even with my friends that are our age. But, when we do have it, it's great & we usually do the 2,3,4 days in a row, etc. Then it can be a week & sometimes 2 before it happens again. He travels too, so obviously those long work trips take the average down. Both of us I believe initiate equally.

[ss1]

I appreciate the responses so far, it is disappointing to hear that our averages are FAR below what has already been posted.

 

Now I understand that stress', work, kids, etc have a significant impact of this average, but to dig a little deeper and get a better perspective, how do you all think this would really impact that average:

 

1.) We have five kids; blended family

2.) We have a two year old, whom sleeps in his own bed but in our bedroom

3.) We have two teenagers which heads are spinning around now. Normal teen ups and downs.

4.) She and I are both employed

5.) Normal household stresses.

 

Does this seem like a lot of the plate compared to some of the responders?

 

As well to get a females point of view how so I approach my concern with my wife, or another way to ask, how shouldn't I?

 

Appreciate all your support.

 

Kind REgards

[xxoo]

We've been together 19 years. We have some sexual activity 5-7x a week, although not nec full sex. Basically, if we go to bed at the same time (true most days), hands will wander to intimate places.

 

We have young children, but no babies. Sex was very rare with a baby in the house.

 

1.) We have five kids; blended family

2.) We have a two year old, whom sleeps in his own bed but in our bedroom

3.) We have two teenagers which heads are spinning around now. Normal teen ups and downs.

4.) She and I are both employed

5.) Normal household stresses.

 

Does this seem like a lot of the plate compared to some of the responders?

 

It's a lot, but it doesn't have to mean the downfall of sex. If you both highly desired sex, none of that would stop you from finding a time and place to get it on. Or at least, both of you would be complaining about the lack of opportunity, and working on finding more time alone together, awake.

 

How to talk to your wife? The most important thing is to simply open up the lines of communication! How is it that you haven't talked about the decline in sex? When sex was rare after babies, we still talked about it openly.

 

Tell her how much you miss having that time and intimacy together. Ask her how she feels about the frequency of your sexual connection. Tell her your needs. Listen to her concerns. Keep talking.

 

Touch each other liberally. Touch her with no expectation of sex. In the middle of the day, touch her in ways that leave her breathless, and then give her a peck on the lips, a wink, and walk away. Do that for a few days, and see if she doesn't come to you looking to "close the deal"

[WalkInThePark]

2.) We have a two year old, whom sleeps in his own bed but in our bedroom

 

I would start by putting the two year old out of your bedroom. There is no need for this kid to still sleep in his parents' bedroom.

[Feelin Frisky]

It's a falsehood to believe that the man is naturally inclined to want sex more often. Many women have attested to male lack of initiation and apparent loss of interest here on LS. It always depends upon both caring to accept sex as a healthy and rejuvenating necessity.

 

I've never been married but lived together with one as long as 5 years. She was 29 when I met her and I 25. She had a child by someone else but never an orgasm before me. She never even heard the word "clit" before and needed a lot of attention to become orgasmic and wanton. I souped her up to where she came 15 times one long night. But she eventually reverted to her frigid ways after only five years together with me and sex became a couple of times a month proposition. Funny, she left me. And although I was heartbroken and loved her still, it was for the best.

 

I became younger again it seemed and worked on myself to be extra marketable to the ladies. Life can be a lot worse than to be single at 32 and look good and live and work in NYC. I saw my younger brothers settling for women that paid them attention and both are miserable now more than a decade later in sexless marriages. I'd rather be free than legally tied to a Frigidaire.

[maybebaby]

I have two kids that live with us half the time, though they are 8 and 10 so that's a lot easier than small children, and I think there is a definite link between the extra amount of energy it takes to parent them in the evening and having less energy for us. 5 kids is a lot and a working mom with 5 kids must be completely exhausted so I think that does have something to do with it. I would put the two year old in another room, that's just me but I think I would have a hard time really feeling very frisky if there was a 2 year old in the room, even in another bed.

 

I also agree with XXOO try more touching. Sometimes our entire day could be considered foreplay and that really means we're both more than ready to go no matter how tired we are that night. In the morning I will leave a sexy note on the bathroom mirror after my shower, occasional sexy text messages or a 3 line email sent over lunch that are romantically sexy. Working in the garden we will comment on how sexy the other looks all sweaty, touching a bit while we make dinner, winks, adult jokes that usually but not always go over the kids heads and giggles (I think it's healthy for them to know that we're in love and that we are delighted by one another even physically and even if they say ewww or giggle I want them to know that it's possible and healthy to live that way). Find ways over the day or even just the evening to connect, take a moment to watch her doing something routine and normal and notice how attractive she is. Then while she's covered in flour, or holding a squirming baby fresh out of the bath look her in the eye and tell her how beautiful she is to you, and mean it. Romance her, sex isn't just about a physical act it's about the physical act of love. Remind yourself and her at the same time how it feels to be in love, the physical sensation of being in love with someone. Not only will that be quite likely to help your sex life now but if you can keep up those behaviors and make a habit out of being actively loving and in love with your wife it will continue to pay off in the long term.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I strongly suggest the book "The Sex Starved Marriage," by Michelle Weiner-Davis...

 

I got this book at a point where sex was down to about twice a month, maybe 3-4 times a month sometimes. She was not happy I got it.

 

I found it to be VERY well written. It is written from both points of view; the higher sex drive spouse and the lower sex drive spouse. I was only part of the way into reading it. I had no idea my wife was snooping in it. One day she virtually jumped my bones. She told me later that day that she had read some of the book and our marriage and my satisfaction was more important to her than she realized and priorities changed for her.

 

I realize it may not work for you, but just reading the book game me a whole different perspective, and a whole lot better sex life in the end.

 

Our current frequency is about 2-4 times a week, and sometimes more. I feel pretty good about that, and if I should go a week without, it doesn't bother me, the sex after one week of abstinence is just that much better. Funny thing is that we usually cannot hold off a full week anymore. After 17+ years, 5 kids (the youngest being 3 and liking our bedroom as hers), and lots of responsibilities, I would say the sex is something I no longer think about much, it just works.

 

Some day it might be lacking again... I'll just refer back to my friend Michelle Weiner-Davis!

[crazycatlady]

Throughout 13 years of marriage (well 13 years on the 30th) we both have had our ups and downs being the high libido spouse. Currently the honor belongs to be me. I attempt to get some close to daily, and my H tends to be the one fending me off.

 

We average 2 x a week during the 10 day period (so around 3 to 4 times in that period) he works straight through. And we pick up to 2 days on 1 off (and sometimes twice on the weekend days) the rest of the month on average.

 

But I go back to work full time in a few weeks for the first time in 12 years so this may change in the near future. But hopefully it won't. For my own wellbeing, sex at least 4 or 5 times a week is important to me. I don't even have to orgasm (as that is difficult for me) but just the act relieves depression, makes me feel good, my skin looks better, its good exercise and keeps us closer together.

 

I really want my H to quit smoking though because I am starting to think its hindering his libido some.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

If you are in an LTR, in your 40's with kids and are getting it more then 1X/wk you are in the minority..... Outside mem11363 and xxoo who I truly think is a thoughtful wonderful poster in a very good marriage, it is unusual to find lots of sex.....

 

I truly believe (and my spouse has convinced me:laugh:) that I am very lucky to get it as much as I do (and want it)......

[You Go Girl]

I like how these previous responses are healthy and have sex in perspective. Relationship partners that get unhappy without sex everyday are trouble. Relationship partners that don't want sex once in a month are in trouble too--and that would be your W. 2x a week is a healthy number, if less than many want or get, but falling below that unless both partners have a low drive usually means trouble.

Things to think about:

Are you connecting mentally?

Are the two of you affectionate during times when sex isn't a possibility?

Do the two of you remind each other daily that you find each other wonderful as a partner?

Is this marriage falling into complacency?

Has your w tuned you out?

Have you tuned her out?

Are you both doing those little thoughtful things for each other on a regular basis?

Do you work through problems or are there resentments?

 

You seem to have romantically/mentally drifted out of love mode and into family mode. Time to fix that by doing the necessary steps to bring you back together as a loving couple.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Do a search of my name and find various threads asking questions about frequency and what is normal....

 

Remember normal means different to everyone. I however know to reiterate that if you are getting it more then once per week in a long-term committed relationship with the normal stresses of family, children, home, finances jobs.... Consider yourself lucky and ignore what anyone else tells you.

 

If you really want to delve deeper look to your contemporaries, your friends, neighbours, brothers and sisters, people on the street, those with more children and responsibility, those not married, divorced, separated, with medical conditions and health issues.... And ask whether they are getting more or less then you......

Edited August 7, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Mr. Lucky]

1.) What is the average you and your spouse have sex?

2.) How often is that sexual encounter initiated by the wife?

1). 1-2 times per week plus 2-3 extra goodies for me per month .

2). About 25% of the time.

 

Married 20+ years, one child left at home. Like most long-term relationships, we've been up and down but in a good place now...

 

Mr. Lucky