FallenAngel84 Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 In advance, I appreciate any and all advice you guys can give! To start, I have been with my BF for almost 5 years now. He was my first serious boyfriend, my first everything. We shared alot of experiences and vacations and everything together. We never lived together, but I was at his house very often and tried to make it my own since I thought one day we'd be married and it would be mine too and we'd live happily ever after. I was 20 when we started dating and I'm 25 now. Probably at around year 2, I started feeling uneasy. I chalked it up to just being in a rut with him and it'd be okay. Relationships can't stay new and exciting forever, that I know. It seems like we kind of grew more and more apart over the years, but I didn't have the heart or wasn't sure leaving him was what I should do. He is a very good person who would do anything for me, but something is missing from the relationship that I can't quite put my finger on. I think alot of it is how when I talk to him, I feel he doesn't care or when I wasn't working, never once did he over to give me $20 for gas or anything which to me, speaks volumes. He is tight with his cash and I can't see why when he has a very high paying job. He always said, "I'll take care of you" and I never saw it. I felt like when I went to dinner with him, he expected me to go dutch. I brought this up with him and he of course made it sound like he didn't ever expect me to pay, etc. But still, I felt agitated by him more than I should. Has anyone else experienced this at all? Earlier this week, I told The Boyfriend that I needed space. He didn't quite get it. Lastnight, I told him again and we had a long talk where I cried my eyes out and he told me that he would always love me and I told him I'd always love him. He said I'm his princess and he'd do anything for me and can't lose me. My heart broke. He emailed me at work this morning telling me he loved me, etc and I wrote back, "We need time apart, I'm sorry" and he shot me back a, "Yeah, ok" comment. The thing is, I have grown SO use to being with him. We have our routine, favorite places to dine, things we like to do together, his house that I'll miss and a million other little things that were just a part of everyday life that I'll be losing if I lose him. Then, to make things worse, I met a new guy who I went out with tonight "as friends" and the "as friends" thing turned in to a kiss at the end of the night which I was totally okay with, it just made matters more complicated. I'm pretty sure things with The Boyfriend are over, but how could I know? I could never cheat on him which is why I let this guy kiss me because we are on hiatus. Plus, me and The Boyfriend have a trip planned for next month that chances are, we won't go on. It's all very sad and I just don't know WHAT to do. I hate being the bad guy but I think if the feeling isn't there, the feeling isn't there. It's all just sad.
Not strong enough Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 I got into a similar situation with my ex, we just got in a rut over time. I was never cheap i payed for everything when we were with each other, movies, food, gas, shopping. But i always do that. But i did neglect her. However, after 5 years together things are going to get cold, i don't care who you are. So if you and him are taking a break and you went out with someone else, it wasn't just as friends. My ex did this to me during a week long break i guess you would call it, went to the movies with another guy, i didn't find out about it till way after the fact but i could tell something was always wrong. Well she kept talking to him after we "reconciled" and he kept moving in any time we had a rough patch. I found out she was talking to some random person, or so i thought and broke it off. Now that whole relationship is shot. That little kiss/date during you break could have major side affects. You probably didn't plan on telling him about it, and now, you have someone that will always be there on the side, and it will eat away at your long relationship. You will probably end up with the "friend" then months or years down the road you will find out it was a mistake, and want the security of your old relationship back after the excitement of the new one wears off. No one stays in a 5 year relationship just because, there was something more to it. If you can save it from this point i don't know. That depends on you and him, weather he has any demons in his closet, or if he can actually deal with what has happened and forgive it. You still cheated on him even if it doesn't seem like it to you. As far as fixing the rut and him being a tight wad, well you just need to talk to him about that, and i mean really talk to him, and you should just do spontaneous things to spice it up, do random things he wouldnt expect, after you do it enough he will probably return the favor. If you in the mind set that its going to fail then it will plain as that.
Author FallenAngel84 Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 Thanks for the advice and it's nice to know others are in the same situation. I've been with The BF for 5 years but started feeling like maybe we had grown apart about 2 years into it and kept talking to myself telling myself it was normal. I just feel like something is missing and I wish I knew WHAT! I know now things will never be the same since I kissed the new guy and I feel like after that, there's nothing that will take that back and maybe things happen for a reason and that's why I need to end things. I obviously kissed this guy because something was missing w/ my BF. I'd never cheat or intentionally do that unless I had a good feeling it was over. I'm just so confused and never felt so mixed up in my life.
Pbr1986 Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 Where did you meet the new guy? Does he have any clue about this guy?
EthanH Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 (edited) In advance, I appreciate any and all advice you guys can give! To start, I have been with my BF for almost 5 years now. He was my first serious boyfriend, my first everything. We shared alot of experiences and vacations and everything together. We never lived together, but I was at his house very often and tried to make it my own since I thought one day we'd be married and it would be mine too and we'd live happily ever after. I was 20 when we started dating and I'm 25 now. Probably at around year 2, I started feeling uneasy. I chalked it up to just being in a rut with him and it'd be okay. Relationships can't stay new and exciting forever, that I know. It seems like we kind of grew more and more apart over the years, but I didn't have the heart or wasn't sure leaving him was what I should do. He is a very good person who would do anything for me, but something is missing from the relationship that I can't quite put my finger on. I think alot of it is how when I talk to him, I feel he doesn't care or when I wasn't working, never once did he over to give me $20 for gas or anything which to me, speaks volumes. He is tight with his cash and I can't see why when he has a very high paying job. He always said, "I'll take care of you" and I never saw it. I felt like when I went to dinner with him, he expected me to go dutch. I brought this up with him and he of course made it sound like he didn't ever expect me to pay, etc. But still, I felt agitated by him more than I should. Has anyone else experienced this at all? Earlier this week, I told The Boyfriend that I needed space. He didn't quite get it. Lastnight, I told him again and we had a long talk where I cried my eyes out and he told me that he would always love me and I told him I'd always love him. He said I'm his princess and he'd do anything for me and can't lose me. My heart broke. He emailed me at work this morning telling me he loved me, etc and I wrote back, "We need time apart, I'm sorry" and he shot me back a, "Yeah, ok" comment. The thing is, I have grown SO use to being with him. We have our routine, favorite places to dine, things we like to do together, his house that I'll miss and a million other little things that were just a part of everyday life that I'll be losing if I lose him. Then, to make things worse, I met a new guy who I went out with tonight "as friends" and the "as friends" thing turned in to a kiss at the end of the night which I was totally okay with, it just made matters more complicated. I'm pretty sure things with The Boyfriend are over, but how could I know? I could never cheat on him which is why I let this guy kiss me because we are on hiatus. Plus, me and The Boyfriend have a trip planned for next month that chances are, we won't go on. It's all very sad and I just don't know WHAT to do. I hate being the bad guy but I think if the feeling isn't there, the feeling isn't there. It's all just sad. Essentially, you are wondering if there is anything else out there that is better, but it is still difficult not having someone there who has been so much in your life. But it doesn't mean you should get back with him (look up stockholm syndrome ) I think you need to see that in reality, The Boyfriend doesn't sound like he has done too much wrong. He didn't pay because he was keeping something back. I paid for everything for my ex, and all it did was that, yes she thought i was a gent, yes I probably compared well to her friends boyfriends, but eventually she just took it for granted. She didn't see it as special. In a way, I wish I had kept so much back with her, so that when I did it, in the future, it would knock her socks off and be special. Unfortunately, I think you are in a 'grass is always greener' moment. The irony is, if he was the sort who paid for everything, because you haven't had a serious relationship before, YOU TOO probably would take it for granted. It's all about experience. That is what is missing, It is the surefire belief that you KNOW he is the one for you, and I think despite the romantic notions about meeting mr right and falling in love etc etc, the reality is that until you have dated a few guys, you have nothing to compare to, and so even if you really really really like him, you will undersell him, ... That's just part of life. You see him as the safe option, and at this time in life, with your experience, you don't want the safe option, you still want to be thrilled etc... and from what you say, it seems he can't do that anymore. Edited August 7, 2010 by EthanH
flyguy23 Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 I am going through a similar situation my girlfriend if 4 years is acting distant and said she is confused about whether to stay with me because she knows it could lead to something more serious. We were eachothers first real relationships and now she is basically dumping me
Author FallenAngel84 Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 Where did you meet the new guy? Does he have any clue about this guy? I met this guy thru work. I've known him about a year now and had a crush on him for the past 6 or so months. My "BF" doesn't know about him.
Author FallenAngel84 Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 I am going through a similar situation my girlfriend if 4 years is acting distant and said she is confused about whether to stay with me because she knows it could lead to something more serious. We were eachothers first real relationships and now she is basically dumping me I am sorry you are at the receiving end of this It sucks and I know how hard it is. I'm sure she feels an enormous amount of guilt and confusion, just as I do in my current situation.
Author FallenAngel84 Posted August 7, 2010 Author Posted August 7, 2010 Essentially, you are wondering if there is anything else out there that is better, but it is still difficult not having someone there who has been so much in your life. But it doesn't mean you should get back with him (look up stockholm syndrome ) I think you need to see that in reality, The Boyfriend doesn't sound like he has done too much wrong. He didn't pay because he was keeping something back. I paid for everything for my ex, and all it did was that, yes she thought i was a gent, yes I probably compared well to her friends boyfriends, but eventually she just took it for granted. She didn't see it as special. In a way, I wish I had kept so much back with her, so that when I did it, in the future, it would knock her socks off and be special. Unfortunately, I think you are in a 'grass is always greener' moment. The irony is, if he was the sort who paid for everything, because you haven't had a serious relationship before, YOU TOO probably would take it for granted. It's all about experience. That is what is missing, It is the surefire belief that you KNOW he is the one for you, and I think despite the romantic notions about meeting mr right and falling in love etc etc, the reality is that until you have dated a few guys, you have nothing to compare to, and so even if you really really really like him, you will undersell him, ... That's just part of life. You see him as the safe option, and at this time in life, with your experience, you don't want the safe option, you still want to be thrilled etc... and from what you say, it seems he can't do that anymore. I understand what you're saying, I just don't know how much of it is true. I guess I just felt taken advantage of when i was with him, like he expected me to pay for things when went out. In the past 5 years, we've gone on a yearly vacation and always went dutch. He makes $40+ an hour, I make $12. It's all just frustrating and he is just a tight wad. Sure you say he might be holding back, but seriously, I'm old fashioned and he knows how I am struggling to get by right now. I know what I should do and what is right, but it's just a matter of HOW to do so. I hate confrontations and maybe one day I'll kick myself in the ass with regret, but right now, it feels what is right. He is a great person in many ways but as far as marriage, for some reason I just can't see that happening. It's like we lost our romantic spark and we're more like really good friends or something now.
airrazor Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 FallenAngel84, it is incredible how close your situation is to mine but reversed. the post from Not strong enough is great, I truly believe all that you mentioned. It sounds like you have a real back-up plan in mind and if I were the type to judge I would say keeping a secret crush for that length of time is why this happened. the only person with skeletons in their closet is you and you don't deserve your BF, it sounds like all your problems could have been resolved if you were more mature and could discuss your problems directly, it also sounds very selfish and self involved. Its too bad your BF has the wool pulled over his eyes for so long or this would be something worth salvaging, i think its dishonest and i wouldn't be surprised if this backfired miserably, it is rather a personal issue being the one on the other side of the issue, maybe i just wish that people could see the hurt they cause others, that's what's truly sad by your actions, the hiatus is a cover-up and your story has holes
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