does physical violence ever stop?

[icarus10]

hi all,

i have been in a violent relationship for 7 years. going through therapy now and on a 3-month trial seperation. after 2 months of sepearation, i went over and lived with him for 10 days, it was awesome. we could talk calmly unlike before and felt the intimacy all over again. now my therapist says its time i took a decision if i wanted in or out. according to him, i am getting too comfortable in this limbo...avoiding a decision. am thinking of going back to hubby but the biggest question is - can the violence ever stop or does it come back at some time. he did stop abusing me for over 2 years and thats when we decided to have a baby. now after the baby it has happened thrice. my child is 2 years old.

hubby goes for counselling, he doesn't believe in therapy. i am not too fond of councelling as its more guidance oriented than insight giving.

so can i count on him to never ever abuse me again? or does the violent streak always show up sometime or the other? he's excuse is that i push him too far by my tone and rudeness and then he can't control himself. he is also going for anger management but does it work? please help!

[SpanksTheMonkey]

hi all,

i have been in a violent relationship for 7 years. going through therapy now and on a 3-month trial seperation. after 2 months of sepearation, i went over and lived with him for 10 days, it was awesome. we could talk calmly unlike before and felt the intimacy all over again. now my therapist says its time i took a decision if i wanted in or out. according to him, i am getting too comfortable in this limbo...avoiding a decision. am thinking of going back to hubby but the biggest question is - can the violence ever stop or does it come back at some time. he did stop abusing me for over 2 years and thats when we decided to have a baby. now after the baby it has happened thrice. my child is 2 years old.

hubby goes for counselling, he doesn't believe in therapy. i am not too fond of councelling as its more guidance oriented than insight giving.

so can i count on him to never ever abuse me again? or does the violent streak always show up sometime or the other? he's excuse is that i push him too far by my tone and rudeness and then he can't control himself. he is also going for anger management but does it work? please help!

 

 

NO NO NO NOOO it doesn't stop and def not when hes making excuses and refusing to go to proper therapy he may even need medication but he cant get that thu a therapist. Please think of your child they deserve better leave now while there young and still have a chance at growing up in a stable/normal home life!

 

Abusers DON'T change and this one is making it fairly clear hes not willing to get the serious help he needs! The 10 day thing was a just a smoke screen to get you back. Its all about control with abusive men like this trust me. Thats why he wants you to make a decision now hes pushing his way onto you do yourself and your child a massive favor and walk away now...

[cavedweller]

Will the abuse ever stop?--No.

 

You need to get out now..

[icarus10]

but what about me depriving a father of his child and vice versa? he is a very loving father to my daughter and she misses him terribly. he is a wonderful man and i have never seen him violent against anybody but me. his parents have not seen his violent side ever in his childhood too. that makes me wonder if its me who is capable of bringing out the worst in him. why should he pay for something that i bring out in him? obviously, i am justifying for him here, but isn't that what we do when we are unsure of what we are doing?

why do i still feel this love for him...can't see him so hurt and sad ever since i have taken this trial seperation. why do i keep focusing on all the good times we have had together? he has indeed given me the best and the worst? but should the worst out shadow the best times? should the decision be based on only the bad? is it my responsibility to try and not let him cross the violence threshold? can my behavioural changes actually keep his violent side away for good?

i do feel deeply for him and don't have the heart or the guts to say goodbye! too confused!!

[2.50 a gallon]

RUN! GET OUT NOW!

 

Your last post scares me, you are taking the blame for his actions. This is all his doing. He is a weak man, who beats his wife.

 

Expose this weakness to his parents and let them deal with their little boy in a man's body

 

You both need counciling. Save this last post and give it to your councelor at the very first meeting

 

He is not a loving father to your daughter! The two of you are dooming her to the life that YOU are now living, as she will see how her daddy mistreets her mommy and in so doing will think that this is the way it is between a husband and wife. She will then seek out a similar relationship when she grows up and marries. This is what the two of you are teaching her

 

And who is to say that he will never turn on your daughter? Where I live it seems several times a year that they arrest some male, I will not refer to them as a man, for turning his wrath from his wife or GF to their children. And in fact I know that there are several convicts on death row in our state, for such a crime. At least two that I remember who also killed the children. And I know that at least one of them was a leading member of his church.

 

He is hurt and sad, for his actions of abusing you. It was his choice, he did this to himself. You need to get away for good, so that he can learn his actions cause him the pain of separation.

 

The both of you have serious flaws. You keep forgiving him for his reactions, and are thus encouraging him to continue abusing you. It will escalate, one of my friends allowed her husband to beat her so bad she was disfigured and lost an eye.

 

Another poster on this board, Tojaz, lost a friend when her Husband pushed her down the stairs and she was killed.

 

I can give you three reasons to RUN! GET OUT NOW!

 

1. Your daughter, before he hurts her. Remember she is tiny and can not easily stand him hitting her. Just shaking her can kill her.

 

2. Yourself,

 

3. Husband, as eventually he will be caught and end up in prison

[Citizen Erased]

You know it won't stop. He has shown you that.

 

You don't bring this out of him. He just knows you're the only one he can get away with doing this to. Because you LET him. You go back, and judging by your last post you will, things will be fine and then it will begin again. You've already experienced that. And when your daughter gets older and gets sick of seeing this man lay into her mother, emotionally and physically, chances are she will try to defend you. What do you think will happen then?

 

Take it from a daughter that has lived in an abusive house. He never layed a hand on me, he did my mother...it is heartbreaking and it completely robbed me of the childhood/teenage years I should have experienced. He will take that away from her but so will you by subjecting her to an unhealthy environment you will also be responsible for.

 

You can play chance with your life, that he will only break a few ribs or leave a few bruises. But you have no right to play with that of your daughter. You may love him but it's a broken, selfish love that will never lead anywhere positive. Don't get me wrong, my heart goes out to you for the situation you are in. But you have the opportunity to better your lives and you're going to throw that away for someone that only knows how to make empty promises and inflict pain. If you go back you have chosen that path, you know what's down it.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

hi all,

i have been in a violent relationship for 7 years. going through therapy now and on a 3-month trial seperation. after 2 months of sepearation, i went over and lived with him for 10 days, it was awesome. we could talk calmly unlike before and felt the intimacy all over again. now my therapist says its time i took a decision if i wanted in or out. according to him, i am getting too comfortable in this limbo...avoiding a decision. am thinking of going back to hubby but the biggest question is - can the violence ever stop or does it come back at some time. he did stop abusing me for over 2 years and thats when we decided to have a baby. now after the baby it has happened thrice. my child is 2 years old.

hubby goes for counselling, he doesn't believe in therapy. i am not too fond of councelling as its more guidance oriented than insight giving.

so can i count on him to never ever abuse me again? or does the violent streak always show up sometime or the other? he's excuse is that i push him too far by my tone and rudeness and then he can't control himself. he is also going for anger management but does it work? please help!

 

 

You are seriously just making any excuse possible to remain in the situation because you have become so very comfortable with the abuse. You even blame yourself for it he is not a Good man if he abuses you but you already know that don't you?

 

Your afraid to live with out this man because this is the only reality you have known for a very long time. I am a survivor of the same kind of abuse and I can promise you that life WILL BE 100 TIMES BETTER on the other side.

 

He can still have supervised visits if thats your wish but you need to get out NOW for yourself so you can start to heal and be the best mom for your kids! you do not deserve this and its not your fault in any way please be strong you can do this..

[HopelessinDTW]

Ok...hold on a minute here. Everyone's going to disagree with me, but doesn't he deserve a chance. A lot of his actions are due to his upbringing, and these behaviors can be changed with counceling and anger management. I think you need to be still very careful...but if you love him and value your marriage...I think you need to give him a chance. But you need to be very clear as to your boundaries. For example, if he makes any attempt to become violent or you feel he's going to his old way...than you're done...and you will call the police. I think this is all a personal decision still, but look at the big picture, and realize that people can change.

[Citizen Erased]

Ok...hold on a minute here. Everyone's going to disagree with me, but doesn't he deserve a chance. A lot of his actions are due to his upbringing, and these behaviors can be changed with counceling and anger management. I think you need to be still very careful...but if you love him and value your marriage...I think you need to give him a chance. But you need to be very clear as to your boundaries. For example, if he makes any attempt to become violent or you feel he's going to his old way...than you're done...and you will call the police. I think this is all a personal decision still, but look at the big picture, and realize that people can change.

 

Yeah you're right, we are going to disagree. Someone that is going to change doesn't refuse to go to therapy, which he has done. Someone that is going to change stops making their victim feel like she's responsible with things like "you bring it out of me".

 

Some men, or women, like this do actually want to change. They're the ones that anger management and counseling will work. But they also go to therapy and they OWN what they have done. He has done none of that. Do you think she should become his own personal punching bag waiting for him to change?

[icarus10]

SpanksTheMonkey, I agree with you about making excuses for him. But I disagree with one thing...one wrong cannot overwrite all rights done by him. a councellor once told me that no one is beyond redemption and that is what is holding me back right now. before the last episode what i did was exactly as you are saying...making excuses for him...not wanting to give up my comfort zone because of the fear of the future all alone. i only went back to him because of the wrongest reasons like guilt of leaving him sad and hurt. we both promised to mend our ways but never seeked professional help and thus we screwed up again and again. that is what has changed now...we are both looking into over own limitations, understanding how attitudes can be changed, how we can communicate better and so on. after all this, shouldn't i give 'us' another chance...just one more chance and see if professional help can work or not? i have been working on myself for all these months, getting more insight on what rules my decisions, my impulses, my ways of showing my bitterness towards him. i guess i need to see now if that will make any difference in our marriage. if it doesn't then probably we are not compatible and we should part ways. but for now, i feel i want to take another chance. i don't have to but i want to. if i can help him become stronger, why not?

my only issue is the violence and i pray it will stop for as long as it can.

i am most grateful to you for caring enough to try and put some sense into me, god bless you for it! but i guess i am not ready to let go without this one last chance...for me and him and my daughter who deserves a healthy family. if at any point i see that she is getting affected by it, i shall not think twice to leave.

No one is beyond redemption...sounds too idealistic but lets see how it works out for me.

HopelessInDTW, thanks for giving me the courage...i should never regret the fact that i did not give 'us' another fair chance if it doesn't work out in the future.

[icarus10]

Citizen Erased, he did go to my therapist thrice because i told him i was comfortable with the doc. he did it without me asking him to do it. he had to come to a different State to see my therapist but he did. somehow after the 3 sessions he thought he was not too impressed with the guy and so decided to continue his councelling sessions back home where he was comfortable. he has been going for anger management ever since.

yes, i am very hurt that he blamed me for bringing out the worst in him and making him hit me, but i shall def. have a long talk with him on that issue. all these years, i believed him but now i am clear about the fact that it is his limitation and not mine. i will not be conned into any more manipulations and thus am more confident in giving it a try.

would you like to help me with the kind of boundaries i should set? that will help. some basic conditions??

[cavedweller]

icarus10,

 

You need to file for a divorce and get rid of his sorry azzzz...

 

Tell him to go beat on some other woman..................

 

FYI--Wife beaters never change.

 

(if you stay with him--- ten years from now he will still be beating on you)

 

It is your choice,

 

Good luck.

[kdark]

The fact that you are still with him means that he has already succeeded in conning and manipulating you. Show some self respect and leave this toxic relationship.

 

How many chances you given him already?

 

And no matter what, any person who beats the mother of his children is automatically a terrible father.

 

I really hope things work out for you...

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

he's excuse is that i push him too far by my tone and rudeness and then he can't control himself.

 

 

First let me say I am very sorry for you and your child being in this situation - you deserve so much better.

 

I am going to reply without reading any replies because I feel very strongly about this.

 

Please seek shelter and separation. You and your child are in danger of a repeat occurrence or continuing abuse.

 

HIS EXCUSE! - no acceptance of fault. It will not stop.

 

As an former officer in the Navy, I was called to a scene of a domestic situation for one of the sailors on our ship. Abusive relationship, continued "minor" incidents. Final result - double homicide and a suicide. Wife child husband.

 

Please get out & stay out now. And don't ever go back.

 

I will pray that this message reaches you receptive eyes while there is still time.

 

Again, I am sorry and pray for you and your child.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Listen to the advice of so many, not the advice of the one that wants to validate your fogged desire.

 

If we are wrong - your daughter will grow up knowing the the unselfish love of one parent. And the courage it took to walk away.

 

If you are wrong in giving him a second chance.... who knows how it will turn out.

 

Please for your daughter and yourself - be strong, think of her, and what only you can "truly" guarantee.

 

Good luck! Please keep us posted.

Edited August 7, 2010 by Dad_of_2_great_boys

[spriggig]

Does physical violence ever stop?

No.

 

What will it take? The first time he hits your daughter? The second? Or, has he already?

 

Your daughter deserves better than this and she is depending on you to protect her.

 

Boundaries? About 3000 miles and permanent No Contact should do it.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Ok...hold on a minute here. Everyone's going to disagree with me, but doesn't he deserve a chance. A lot of his actions are due to his upbringing, and these behaviors can be changed with counceling and anger management. I think you need to be still very careful...but if you love him and value your marriage...I think you need to give him a chance. But you need to be very clear as to your boundaries. For example, if he makes any attempt to become violent or you feel he's going to his old way...than you're done...and you will call the police. I think this is all a personal decision still, but look at the big picture, and realize that people can change.

Im sorry but I really think this is quite dangerous advice to have given and seams sadly as predicted the op has clung to the one post urging her to "give him another chance"

 

I gave my abuser plenty of chances the last chance almost ended my life as I truly fear will happen to this women as well. This isent two people who have had a few arguments.

 

This is a physicality/mentally abusive controlling manipulative man and you have just validated her and worse her child going back to him. Op I can't tell you what to do only you can decide when enough is enough how much violence your going to allow this man to inflect on you and your child.

 

Because while you may think its only affecting you your are quite mistaken abuse affects every one in the home best of luck and I hope you all make it out alive..

 

This will be my last post as I know all to well how this is going to end and its just to dam upsetting to watch again best of luck you and your child are going to need it..

Edited August 7, 2010 by SpanksTheMonkey

[You Go Girl]

You're married to an angry arrogant man with a sense of entitlement who makes up lame excuses for his behavior because he has not yet taken the blame and responsibility for his own actions.

The consequences of his behavior have never been enough to make him stop.

My sister's H shoved her a few times. The 3rd time or so she had him arrested and he spent a month in jail, a year of community service, anger management for a year, a permanent record of a crime. She nipped the situation in the bud. She didn't let it get to the point of hitting her.

He is now a much better man and husband. He was forced to look in the mirror. Your H has never really looked in the mirror--hence why everyone is saying that he will do it again.

If he doesn't have to ever take a hard look at himself, suffer consequences, and is able to say things like 'you bring it out in me' a classic excuse for a man who has made zero growth about the issue, yes, I think everyone is right who says that he will 100% do it again.

Your H hasn't realized that there is SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM.

[2.50 a gallon]

Given another chance?

 

In my first days of school, before I learned to print, read, add and subtract, the first lesson taught to us boys was that we don't hit girls.

 

Assuming your ex is over 20 years old, why does he have to still learn this lesson 15 years later?

 

You are not responsible for teaching this child how to be a man. Send the little boy back to his parents and let them handle it.