Affair. Blame the ex..... or the other person. My perspective:

[hitbyatruck]

Why am I still more angry with the person my ex had an affair with and left me for than her?

 

My ex's affair occurred mainly due to existing problems in our relationship - some for which I am to blame, some her but mostly a combined effort, or more correctly, lack of effort.)

 

As for the other man (a once close friend) he was external to these problems but wouldn't keep away, even when seriously asked to by myself. I think it's the other man's external position in relation to what was a family that drives my anger. Ex had some reasons to walk. Other man didn't have the decency or respect to stand back, even knowing a young child was involved.

[spriggig]

Probably because he was a friend and you got betrayed twice. Mine was bad enough, I can only begin imagine what you experienced when you caught them.

[Steadfast]

No matter what it takes, redirect that anger and those feelings of betrayal back to her. You didn't marry the friend; didn't take vows with him. Yes, he may be a kniving prick, but if she really loved you the term 'forsaking all others' would mean to her what it's intended to represent. You would be the absolute last person she'd turn her back on. Yet, she did. Know that.

 

Fact: if she betrayed you, she'll betray anyone if it suits her purpose. It may not seem like it, but you're ahead. Let it go. In time, it'll let you go.

 

Finally, spriggig's reasoning about taking exactly half of the marriage problems -but none of the betrayal- is one of the best, most profound things I've read here. Keeping score isn't love. For better or for worse is.

 

Take care and post often. You'll make it.

[hitbyatruck]

Thanks,

 

Compared to a few months ago I feel like I have made it, but that is just speaking relatively.

 

Back then I was so messed up I was capable of doing anything so I'm glad I didn't do anything stupid, to myself or OM. It does happen.

Abject fear of losing contact with my child was the only thing that stopped me doing something that would have had me in trouble with the law.

 

"Making it" surely means being able to trust any new person that you are considering "lending" your heart to. As I've healed up, I've discovered that it only ever is a loan.

 

Maybe you get it back with interest in the long run?

[cavedweller]

hitbyatruck,

 

Many years ago my wife ran off with my best friend..

 

Take it from me--You need to put it all behind you and move on..

 

There is life after divorce...............

[hitbyatruck]

Putting it behind you can be difficult when you share a child as it means I see ex twice weekly (always brief & diplomatic and on neutral ground) and we communicate on and off about child-related issues when necessary - usually by her contacting me.

 

I'm more philisophical about the whole thing now, but the anger still rises up sometimes.

[sumdude]

I never met the OM, never seen what he looked like or anything. Only had a name an address and where he worked. My wife was good at snowing me and I was a naive and trusting husband. I was still PO'd at him for taking advantage. Thing is I'm pretty sure that he was cheating on his wife with mine. So now the two cheaters are married, guess they deserve each other.

 

If it had been a close freind i don't know what i would have done. That double betrayal would have hurt that much more.

Edited August 7, 2010 by sumdude

[cookie2]

My ex's affair occurred mainly due to existing problems in our relationship - some for which I am to blame, some her but mostly a combined effort, or more correctly, lack of effort.)

No. Your ex's affair occurred due to the fact that she chose to bang another guy.

 

The problems in your relationship occurred due to the factors you mention above.

 

You need to separate the two. Take your part of the blame for the second part. But don't feel at all responsible for the first. It was her choice; the OM didn't hold a gun to her head did he?

[You Go Girl]

Why am I still more angry with the person my ex had an affair with and left me for than her?

 

My ex's affair occurred mainly due to existing problems in our relationship - some for which I am to blame, some her but mostly a combined effort, or more correctly, lack of effort.)

 

As for the other man (a once close friend) he was external to these problems but wouldn't keep away, even when seriously asked to by myself. I think it's the other man's external position in relation to what was a family that drives my anger. Ex had some reasons to walk. Other man didn't have the decency or respect to stand back, even knowing a young child was involved.

 

You are more angry with him for two reasons, first being that he was a family friend.

Secondly because you have an inkling of how women work. Women feed off romance, not sex. You know she was vulnerable to the romance. You know he was feeding off the sex. The men in these cases are using the women because they are less vulnerable. For her, her heart really was involved. For him, if the sex dried up he'd disappear, and she'd be heartbroken. You're angry at your own genders #1 motivation, that it's shallow.

[carhill]

Why am I still more angry with the person my ex had an affair with and left me for than her?

 

I'm assuming, even as a male friend, if you are a typical male, you had less of an investment in him than your wife, so necessarily will focus most of your anger on the one less invested in; this is the mirror concept, in that your anger at your wife reflects upon you, causing you to reflect upon *your* role in your marriage. Also, because you set a boundary and he, by action or inaction, breached it, there is anger regarding the breaching of your boundary.

 

Are they still together or was this an orbiter/exit affair dynamic?

 

My best take-away from a lifetime of this stuff is that people do what they do and *accepting* what they do as their truth and doing what is *your* truth is the healthiest path. You can choose to let your anger with this man rule you. Same with your ex-wife. Or, you can choose another path. *Accept* the anger, accept its impetus. That impetus was outside your control. You control what happens now, for your life. You're in charge. Good luck

[hitbyatruck]

You are very good at this Carhill.

 

They are still together and plan on setting up a new life together.

For a not insignificant portion of the week OM has replaced myself as the male presence in my 2yo child's daily life. This occurred immediately upon our separation.

 

Healthy or not, I think I'm entitled to direct a fair portion of my anger toward this person, who I am neither physically, intellectually or spiritually challenged by. I see him as an opportunist who preyed upon the vulnerability of a LTR clearly on the rocks.

[carhill]

When you travel from *entitled* to *accepted*, you will clearly see the difference. I hope you'll come back and post about your journey. The good news is that you can find a healthy peace in all of this. Anytime you look into the eyes of your child, you will see where it is.

[hitbyatruck]

That bridge can't come soon enough.

Thanks for your words.

[wrencn]

I cant imagine how you must feel with him in your child's life, especially at such a young age where he doesn't know what is going on. I would felt rage when my husband brought his EA around my kids for just a few hours. I wanted to strangle her!!!!

[Steadfast]

 

For a not insignificant portion of the week OM has replaced myself as the male presence in my 2yo child's daily life. This occurred immediately upon our separation.

 

 

I realize it is next to impossible to see it any other way, but trust me when I tell you blood is thicker than water. It isn't fair and it isn't right, but you must 'ride the tide' of this situation and stay involved with your child. Children grow up (fast!) and no matter what, you are its father. No one, no power short of God can change that. He and her can do what they will, but when the dust clears it'll still be be you. Hold fast and love hard! I'm sure there are others here that have experienced or lived through this.

 

It is happening and it sucks, but it will not be forever.

 

 

Healthy or not, I think I'm entitled to direct a fair portion of my anger toward this person, who I am neither physically, intellectually or spiritually challenged by. I see him as an opportunist who preyed upon the vulnerability of a LTR clearly on the rocks.

 

 

The problem with that line of thinking is, if you continue to believe you're 'entitled' to anger, it'll eat you up inside. Let it go on long enough and you'll find yourself permanently scarred and bitter. Not good for your child, any potential new relationship, or you as a person. We are powerless to control what others do -especially spouses, with whom we trust our hearts to- therefore you must learn from this and accept that the only thing you can control is yourself. Will you let your wife and her lover take away your happiness too? That's masochistic, and no good for you. Think it over.

 

These things do not happen overnight. It takes time and lots of soul searching to get yourself going in the right direction. The good news for you is the love you have for your child, and hopefully, for yourself.

 

Good, trusted friends are what's needed now, maybe some counseling. Not to 'fix' you, but something to remind you of what's important when things get crazy. Something tells me you'll come out of this a better person-

[hopesndreams]

Why am I still more angry with the person my ex had an affair with and left me for than her?

 

This is because you still have your ex on a pedestal. Also, it is easier to blame OM than to blame yourself for choosing the wrong woman to marry.

[You Go Girl]

Why am I still more angry with the person my ex had an affair with and left me for than her?

 

This is because you still have your ex on a pedestal. Also, it is easier to blame OM than to blame yourself for choosing the wrong woman to marry.

 

Ex still on a pedestal--perhaps.

Choosing the wrong woman to marry? Nobody here has a crystal ball and can see the future actions of spouses. That's like saying he is at fault for choosing her, and I don't agree with that, because it places the blame on him.

 

Excellent advice from Carhill.

[hitbyatruck]

Initially you do put them up on a pedestal.

I can assure all that 4 months on, ex is very definitely not on a pedestal.

To me she's in a hole digging. Bogging down in a R that both parties know was based on deceit. You can bury that fact only so deep.

 

The decision to co-habitate with OM immediately after a decade-long relationship was ended by her put paid to any remaining respect once the dust had settled. Aside from this she is quite a good mother. I don't see how anybody could put a positive light on the situation ex has placed my child in.

[SoMovinOn]

My wife had an affair with my best friend. My *only* friend, really (I'm not into hanging out with people). He and I have been friends for 30-something years.

 

I didn't blame him for the affair - that was HER choice, and I knew full well she went after him. I *did* blame him for being a lying, piece of ****, back stabbing friend. I blame him for being a ****ty friend to *her*. When she was going off the deep end, losing her mind, being an idiot - if he were truly her friend (and he said he was), he would have tried to point her back in the right direction, done something, anything to help her - anything *other than* participate in her insanity.

 

I did the worst thing I possibly could legally do to him - I've remained his friend. We hang out together. I sit at the dinner table and enjoy a dinner with him and his new live in girlfriend. I get some pleasure out of seeing the fear in his eyes when something comes up in conversation (so, why are you and your wife splitting up?), and he worries what I'll say.

 

What I thought sucked the most was that HE felt bad about it, still feels bad about it... and my STBXW never did.

[Don Ho]

Hey Hit. Sorry about what happened to you, I empathize and don't want to make light of your pain. I always think it's interesting how a guy is mad at the other guy and not his wife. The other guy didn't to anything she didn't want to do on her own. Maybe it's a defense mechanism to deflect anger from her and towards him; that you can't punch her out, put you could re-direct your angry at him and punch him out. Plus if it's HIS fault then you couldn't have been the issue. I am a believer that if "they cheat on you, they'll cheat on them" .... maybe that will give you some solace. Then there's always the possibility that she's just got cheating in her genes and has little character. So you ask how to handle it and what to do? How's the other saying go? "The best revenge is a good life". Be cordial, move on and find a good life with a good woman. Good luck bro.

Edited August 8, 2010 by Don Ho

[GG2W]

There is nothing worse than a buddy f.er, that is the worse kind of betrayl to take advantage of a situation where the wife of a friend is having problems and to worm ones way in, with her trusting because of the friendship. As my friend who had it happened to him said when he got out for serving 3 months, of a 6 months it was well worth it.

[hitbyatruck]

Physical revenge (upon OM) would have resulted in short-term satisfaction followed by long-term regret, though the thought did cross my mind often during the first month or two. What stopped me was the fear of potentially losing my son.

 

You can't be a very good father sitting in a jail cell.

[hurt and devastated]

Physical revenge (upon OM) would have resulted in short-term satisfaction followed by long-term regret, though the thought did cross my mind often during the first month or two. What stopped me was the fear of potentially losing my son.

 

You can't be a very good father sitting in a jail cell.

 

I'm right there with you on that. I've wanted to do stuff to him ranging from telling his wife about the affair, to beating the daylights out of him, to just killing him outright. But like what you said, the small bit of gratification would be greatly be outweighed by the consequences. I'm glad your mind is clear of that thinking.