On a break, breaking up?

[dng]

Hi Folks,

 

I've been lurking in these forums for 2 weeks, got some good guidance, I figured I would share my story as I cannot find something similar enought to calm me up completely.

 

My live in girlfriend of 6 years packed up and left about 7 weeks ago, saying she needed a break but not to worry, we would get back together after a period of introspection. No timeline was set but she said weeks if not months.

 

Before commiting to that move she had been spending alot of time in her hometown, about 250km east but I didnt suspect anything.

 

We had been going throught some hard times recently but nothing too harsh or difficult and we have alot of experience dealing with each other and alot of feelings. That girl has always been a 100% dedicated to "making it work".

 

I'm 35, she's 28.

 

The way it happened is that one day she called me and said she had rented an appartment of her own. She said she needed a place to fallback into but she would spend most of her time with me.

 

She negociated with me to take a few pieces of furniture saying hey, why buy everything in double since we're gonna get back together anyway.

 

Here's the kicker, the minute she had her stuff moved out of here everything changed. She started saying she wasnt sure she wanted to be together anymore, doubting even her feelings. This is something completely unheard of before between us.

 

She was asking for a break but calling me every other day, texting me. We had three episodes were she broke down and said that she was done thinking and that she needed to come back to us, but each time she lead me on, changing the day she was coming back and ultimately cancelling via text.

 

The last episode was on saturday the 26th of july. She called early in the morning, called me enought times to wake me up and told me she was through living alone and wanted to come back and start anew with me. She was supposed to show up on monday and never did, then it was wednesday, then thursday, then friday. On friday I got a worrying text (We have to talk tonite), but when tonite came she texted me again (We'll talk tomorrow morning). At this point she's in my city but I dont know where or who with.

 

The next day, this last saturday, I wait all morning and nothing so I turn off my cell phone and take off on my bike. I dont know if she called or not.

 

Since then I got a text on tuesday (just "hey"), and a phone call yesterday and today.

 

I've been observing NC since saturday but I really don't know what to make of this whole mess.

 

I'm doing ok mostly, I get sad when I think of the good times, some anxiety in my chest... I really love her but she's really confused and she's seemingly playing with my emotions.

 

Maybe some of you can chime in with good ideas. I've been toying with the idea of emailing her something along the lines of "What do you want, seriously?" but I fear that waiting on a reply will be MISERY and I've had enought of that for a lifetime in the past 7 weeks.

[EthanH]

OK, phew! I really feel for you man. I have been in a similar situation recently, with an ex who seemed to see making a decision about if she wanted to be with me and following through with it as annoying, when she should have been worried that her indecisiveness would lead her to losing someone who she clearly still had a lot of feelings for.

 

The main thing I have to say, is that you cannot let her mess you around like this. From your post, you sound very understanding, but sometimes that can verge on being too understanding nigh weak...and the fact she thinks it is acceptable to mess you around on a regular basis shows that this has had an impact on her respect...or lack of respect for you. She was either indecisive or too cowardly to fully express her decision, so put off telling you. Ok so it was a big decision, but she should have treated you better. And the fact that she saw this as an acceptable way to treat you leads me to conclude that her respect for you had been lacking for some time. If you want the main reason there was an issue with your relationship, I would point to this, she lost respect for you.

 

As I say, I have had a very similar experience to yours, albeit I had dated my girl for only a year. My logic was 'why even if she messes me around, would I want to push her away on the occasions she does want to be with me?, as if I know one thing, it is that I want to be with her, and pushing her away is 'guaranteeing' the opposite.' What I forgot about was that by doing this, I allowed her to trample all over me, I didn't set the boundaries. Everything she said to me has convinced me that if I had stood up for myself more, it would have led her to regain that respect for me which had eroded over our relationship. Your ex seems to have been calling the shots for a long time, and you allowing it, made her position even more powerful and almost encouraged her to flaunt the 'rules' of convention even more.

 

Don't contact her. She knows you love her, I'm fairly sure of that. She needs to realise that she needs to start behaving responsibility if she is to hang onto someone she really likes. At the moment, due to your easygoing nature, she probably is intoxicated by her newfound freedom and confidence, but as soon as she realises you aren't running after her, she will probably live to regret it. If she doesn't ever do this, you have lost less than you thought (ie she never loved you as much as you thought) and you should move on. Of course she probably spends every quiet moment, when she is on her own, before she falls asleep, wondering what you are doing, if you email her, it will ruin all of this, and she will just visualise you as a weak fawning reject ex. Think back to when you first got together, I bet you were way way way more confident than you are now, so confidence is the key... and if you work on getting your confidence back, doing things for YOU, rather than anyone else, you will become more attractive to everyone, and if she is one of them, great. Don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself, as no-one but you will know about it, and you will look back and realise how much time you wasted without doing anything to make things better.

 

the ideal thing for you now is to become stronger as a person and if that leads to her realising she has to raise her game to get back with you, then great, it leaves you in a strong position where, you can actually decide what you want, if you want to be with her! (don't even suggest that you can't to better than her, the only thing stopping you from thinking you aren't better than her is your busted ego)...oh and see her texts for what they are, they are desperate attempts to see if you are still on her line... don't bite... if she wants you back she is going to have to do a lot more than 'hey'...

 

good luck! I feel your pain!

[boltsfan17]

I haven't been in a situation like that before, but like Ethan says in the above post, don't contact her. She needs to figure out what she wants. With her being so indecisive, she is just playing with your emotions like you say. That's not fair to you at all. Sending an e-mail at this point probably isn't a good idea since she still seems confused. You really just need to step out of the picture and hopefully she can figure things out.

 

I'm sure things are tough on you right now, but hang in there.

[dng]

Dude. What's up with that, I'm re-reading your reply and it almost feels like you know me personally.

 

The relationship had been on auto-pilot for quite some time. I don't think I can't get anyone better, I've always been pretty confident and it has always served me well but yes my ego is pretty banged up at the moment.

 

She destabilized me plenty with her unexpected (for me) move, and even more as I now realize she probably had been planning it for some time.

 

She never had much power over me as I'm a firm believer in equal rights in my relationships - and I never expected to control her much beyond the conventional do's and dont's.

 

I even dumped her 6 years ago because she was mis-behaving badly with her excessive drinking. I went on a 3 months bender after that and she really had to eat her socks and shoes to make me come back to her. Perhaps karma is showing its ugly hind parts to me now.

 

She knows very well that even tho I'm not perfect, I'm a (or perhaps was? we all change) perfect match for her and I have an endless supply of love for her available on tap if she wants it. I'm pretty sure she loves me too and she has showed it in the past on many occasions.

 

I've also been thinking recently - and this is an open question for anyone in a similar situation - there is a possibility that we had a good run but our ship has sailed?

 

In any case, how do you go about breaking NC? What are the correct triggers? I suppose if she really wanted me back she would be working harder? There is also the whole question of pride. Like I stated earlier, she has done this in the past and told me she would never belittle herself again in the same manner. Its possible she is agonizing over this but her pride is preventing her from acting on it? Then again, there was no pride in what she did last weekend and she still didnt act on what she said she wanted.

 

This whole mess is seriously eating away at me.

[Lost Fish]

In any case, how do you go about breaking NC?

 

Until she tells you (via voicemail or email) that she is willing to do anything and everything to stop this erratic behavior, then you stay NC.

 

Don't fall into her pitfalls of "hey" or "i was just thinking about you" or whatever. It's just her checking in to make sure she still has her emotional chains wrapped around you.

 

My honest opinion is that this ship has sailed, and I know how much that hurts, especially after six years, but she is definitely not treating you with respect right now and I honestly would say there's at LEAST a 75% chance that there is another man mixed into this equation somewhere (I know it hurts, but it's the way these things go usually).

 

Try to get your furniture back at least dude.

 

Good luck. Be strong.

[dng]

Thanks for all the support... Its making me feel alot better.

 

I'm already over the worst part I think anyway, I don't freak out too hard when she calls me and I'm able to not answer the calls, something I wasnt able to do last week.

 

I went NC from the get go but she kept on calling me. I broke down only once, last thursday, and I basically told her to **** or get off the pot. Her reply was something like "if you give me an ultimatum, I won't bend. Give me more time or bust".

 

I did ask her a bunch of times about somebody else but she said it had nothing to do with it. Quite frankly, as much as I don't believe her, I'd rather not know and I'm not going to investigate. I will say this however; As I look in my past for answers, many times where I left a person it was because I had stumbled into someone I felt I could like. This is very often something that gives you that little edge, that little bit of energy that you need to set the breakup into motion. As thus, I've been suspicious of something like that but there is no way for me to find out but ask her and she said no.

 

I'm already working on moving on as best as I can but I would like to leave her a little parcel of real estate on my heart should she choose to built a summer home later on, provided nobody else floods it in the meantime.

[boltsfan17]

Did she say why exactly she wanted the break? I know you mentioned she said she was doubting her feelings, but did she elaborate as to why?

 

When you say the relationship has been on auto-pilot, does that mean you weren't doing things as often as you used to in showing your love and care for her?

 

Maybe I'm wrong, but from what I gather, it seems like the relationship got too comfortable and she started losing her feelings for you. I'm sure this isn't just something out of the blue. She had to have been feeling this way for some time and finally acted on it. If that's what is happening, then I have been in that situation. That's what I just went through.

 

You can say that might be a possibility as you had a good run. Remember, it takes two to make a relationship. If one is not willing to make things work and get through the tough times together, the relationship will ultimately suffer and not work.

 

You will get varying opinions on NC. I believe the consensus is that you go NC to work on yourself and basically get over your ex. When you accomplish that, then contact her. Some say don't ever break NC. Since she never gave you a timeline and mentioned the possibility of months she needs, you need to stick to NC for a while. Figure out what went wrong with the relationship and work on yourself. After a few months have passed and you want to break NC, just call and see how she's doing. Keep the conversation short and simple. The problem with breaking NC is what's going to happen if you call her and she's dating someone else? What's going to happen when you call her and it sounds like she is over you and the relationship? Are you going to get upset and go back to square one again reliving the pain and emotions you felt before? If that were to happen, you have to ask yourself is it really worth contacting her.

 

I'm sure she knows you love and care about her and you are still there for her. I know the feeling and it sucks, but unfortunately, there isn't much you can do at this point. She needs to figure things out. You will have to accept the posibility she may not ever come back. That's why I think it's best to stick with NC for a while and go from there. Don't think about when or how you are going to contact her in the future. Let time play it's course.

[EthanH]

You say you had a fairly balanced relationship in terms of power, that she never really bossed you around, and yet are you sure that is true? the way she treated you in the week after you broke up sounds pretty extreme, and not something she would have done if she didn't know you wouldn't run. When dumpers have this 'I need time to think'...to me, it says a lot about what they think about you, they know they have the luxury of knowing that you like them, they know they can put off the decision, that the best thing for them is to just have some 'space' and the decision will eventually come to them. The problem is, by doing this, they are essentially showing that they believe they are the one to make the big decisions in a relationship. It is all about perception, and in a weird way, i bet she didn't even really think about it in the week after your break-up, her decision in the end wasn't based on her really wanting to think things through and come to a conclusion, it was based on the fact that she got tired of having to make a choice without really thinking about it and just lashed out.

 

I have little doubt that she loves you. Unlike others here, I don't think there is another guy... and even if there is, considering how long you have been going out, it would only be a temporary thing. By doing NC you are taking back some of the power... she will be doubting her decision more now than at any time in the week after you split.

 

It is funny that you mention she is stubborn. I bet she doesn't speak to her friends either, and her way of dealing with it is just to 'be busy'... i bet her way of dealing with it is to put on one huge, big, act? As long as you are sure she knows you care about her, stick to NC... the problem is, if she is anything like she sounds, she will be blaming you for everything, the fact you have gone NC will lead her to blame you for 'not caring' or 'giving up' when in fact it was her who broke up with you...but she will only be able to keep those thoughts up for a while... when she misses you, she will stop the bravado and realise it was her who created this situation and therefore it is her who has to change things if she wants you back...her stubborn nature might stop her from that, but in life, even stubborn people have to learn they have to 'bend' for things they really care about. Stubborn people like to think they have control, the stubbornness is all about power etc, and so when someone does what you have done, taking the power back, almost bluffing, because she is stubborn, she will be thinking over and over about things when she realises she has now way of controlling you anymore. And despite how hard NC is, just content yourself with the fact that the more NC you give, the harder it will be for her IF she really likes you. If she has lost those feelings, NC will protect you from having anything more to do with her, and help you move on.

[whatadeer26]

I didn't read any of the other comments above , but I really think you need to be stern with her. She is walking all over you and it's not fair.

 

Set a timeline for her to move back in and stick to it. If she doesn't go NC and ignore her. She will go nuts with you not talking to her and come find you. It is hard to say if she still has strong feeling for you because we don't know the whole story.

 

Stop letting her string you along, grow some balls and put your foot down.

[jaxguy]

Hey I am virtually going thru the same thing right now. However, my ex and I have a child together and she will say that she wants a break and when i don't talk about us when we are around each other she will want me to hang out and eat dinner with her and my son, watch movies, and play video games together. From my experience the best thing to do is stick to your guns and stay NC. I wouldn't set an ultimatum at all. Only you know when enough is enough and its time to move on. Personally I think that this girl probably likes you alot, maybe even loves you still but some where in her she has doubt. Probably not about the fact that she feels for you but about a long term future and it scares her. Just stick to what you are doing. If you happen to run into her or maybe cave in when she calls I wouldn't talk about the relationship at all but be friendly and maybe ask her how she is doing. As far as there being another guy I am not sure if that is what the issue is but I have been in your girls shoes before when I was making a commitment to the girl who is my ex now and I waivered back and forth like she is doing. The only thing you can do is ride out the storm and hope that whatever is scaring her about long term commitment that she is able to get over it and decide to be with you or not. Right now it seems like the latter but that doesn't mean its over for good. Good luck to you!

[EthanH]

additionally to 'whatadeer26' said...

 

Us telling you to put your foot down isn't just on principle or for your own good... it is partly because she sees you in an unhealthy way and has lost respect for you... so as illogical as it may seem, standing up to her will make her more likely to want you, not less likely...and even if she doesn't, you will be in a much better position personally. If you don't value yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?

[dng]

A little update...

 

I had decided I would just let it slide and move onto other things. I observed NC for a week straight, friday to friday.

 

She started obsessively calling me on friday night and sent me an email which reflected the triggers (made a mistake, regret, want to fix it, get back together).

 

I tried ignoring it.

 

I went on a date with someone that was introduced to me by mutual aquintances and it well very well. I was at her doorstep in a very sensual embrace and my phone started ringing off the hook.

 

I left my date in good terms but with no promises of a follow up and finally picked up.

 

She said she was coming to see me on sunday, around supper time, for a meal and discussions about how we can fix the mess she created.

 

The thing is I dont believe her for a second. I was asking her questions like do you have a plan of how you want to do this, what's on your mind... And all the answers are no or I don't know so it feels to me like a panic promise. She did text me today to confirm the meeting.

 

So I have my day planned out tomorrow with activities because the last thing I want is to have nothing to do when she doesnt show up. I told her to never call me again if she changes her mind and if she does call me I will only tell her to forget about me and to switch onto other things.

 

She did say she was somethat fearful that I wouldnt forgive that she left.

 

I'll keep y'all posted...

[EthanH]

I think that sounds promising, although i would be very wary.

 

One thing that jumped out at me with alarm bells ringing was the way she just informed you that she was coming to talk to you. It is the same as her telling you that she wanted to talk before and how you just waited around for her while she put the date back over and over. To me, that is the main problem here, that she still thinks she can boss you around even though it should be you who holds all of the cards here. She should be begging you! When you meet, if she isn't i don't think it really would help your case to be petty, and call her up on it, but just have it in mind. Even the way she said she is worried that you won't forgive her for leaving sounds almost like a threat! It will only work between you guys if it is balanced... if she thinks she can walk around and call the shots, she will break up with you again as soon as she gets bored in my view...

[dng]

Ahhh yes, another update. I hate those threads with no closure.

 

So of course she didnt show up on sunday. She called this time. Something about work that had to be finished for monday morning and she had to stay.

 

I didnt snap, I stayed calm and I told her come as you planned or let it go.

 

Text text text and phone calls later, we get on the line.

 

She's crying, expresses regrets that she moved out, says she wants to come back to me, loves me, her heart is about to explode.

 

She says she wants to talk in person and explain herself.

 

At that point I'm just feeling bad for her. I told her that if anyone else has been involved in this there's nothing to talk about, she pauses before she says no and guilt me in accepting that she will be at my place today, monday, when I get back from work.

 

So of course today I get another phone call around the time she's supposed to show up. She says she's sick (gory detail: diarrhea) and can't make it as planned, but maybe tomorrow.

 

So I snapped, regretfully I yelled at her, told her she was unreliable (she said no), that she was leading me on (she said that I wasnt understanding) and I told her to never call me again and she said ok and hung up.

 

Seriously.

[bluryy]

Personally i felt that what you did was right. Keep it going man. It seemed like she's just interested to mess with your heart and whatsoever. Continue your NC and don't bother about her. If she's really interested in getting back together, she'd probably come and find you personally to apologise.

 

Dont even bother picking up her phone calls man. She's just interested to find out how you are doing, whether you have truly moved on. NC works. NC works all the time. Each time my girlfriend kicks up a fuss over something small, i'd go NC to let her realized that hey, i'm no longer going to give in if you try to mess around with me.

 

I made the mistake every man made. I gave in to her, thinking that it was understanding. But fact is that, she's going to climb over your head and pee on you, WITHOUT HER REALIZING. Because love needs no rationale. Sometimes women get frustrated without they themselves knowing, and believe me, they taking you for granted could be something subconscious too. They themselves may not even know why they are doing it. So main thing is, do NC. It works. All the time. (;

[dng]

Well I must say I feel pretty bad about myself for snapping like that but what was I supposed to say?

 

I really love her and I miss her, but I gave her as many chances to make it right that she wanted, even after her savage exit from my life.

 

At this point I'm lukewarm, I want to let it go but I still get mental images of happiness with her.

 

I feel that I did everything that I could while keeping my own integrity. She's not protecting my feelings or me anymore, so I have to do it now.

 

Opinions?

[welikeincrowds]

She's not protecting my feelings or me anymore, so I have to do it now.

 

This is good.

 

You're apprehensive because you're moving into an unknown and unpredictable territory, but be confident, because you're making the right decision.

[dng]

Oh boy, ok. The saga continues.

 

I just got an email. Mind y'all, this is all happening in french, so I will provide a basic translation.

 

"

What to do, what to say, I don't know. I know that right now you have doubts, frustration and some hatred towards me because of my behavior of the past few weeks. I know you well enought to realize that you think I'm playing with your emotions, that I'm not being sincere...

 

I want you to know that despite everything, I love you to the bones and that I still think of you as the man of my life. You have been and still are everything to me. I just don't know how to deal with the situation.

 

I find it difficult to come and see you not because I don't want to, but because I'm afraid, afraid I'm still mad at you. I don't understand why if you really love you, you have been ignoring me for so long. (Ed: she means during the relationship, not the NC)

 

Its hard for me here, I would love to start anew with you, but is it possible? I have doubts...

 

I love you, I want you to be happy, and I want you.

 

xxx

"

 

Is she still playing me? All these games... I'm really lost here.

[lunita]

Actions speak louder than words and so far...her words mean nothing based on her actions.

[lalalandman]

Man, it's like you can't even rely on her saying she wants to work things out. They say, go NC, and don't respond to anything short of "I really want to work things out". I don't even know what to tell you haha. I think there's prolly another guy on the side. She's not doing this for no reason. She wants you, just not right now. You know what I'm sayin? I would say ignore her, in entirety. I mean, what else can you do? Go stalk her, find the other guy and kick his ass? That's the only other option. I would say bye bye for good. You can't let her decide that she wants to be with you later dude. That is just, lame. Don't allow that crap. All she is doing is a last resort to hold on to you by saying she wants to meet up to work things out and then standing you up. These are last resort efforts. She really shouldn't be doing that though. Like they said, don't reply unless she specifically said she wants to work things out. She did, and she faked. She is honestly poking at your last resort of trust in her. She shouldn't be doing this man. She is foolish. You need to disappear...

[dng]

Well, I obviously didnt reply to the email even if it feels very wrong not to.

 

It feels like I'm just severing the last link of communication between us.

 

I follow NC but I always go back to thinking "but wait a minute, she's different, she's not like everybody else and normal knowledge does not apply to her!" but I guess that's just tricking myself.

 

Its kinda hard for me today. No matter what she did to me, I still think about her and love her with all my heart.

 

We were so strong and good together for years, its hard to believe it all went down the drain like that but it looks like it did.

 

Thank you all for your kind support.

[dng]

Hmm. I don't think I was blind or anything but maybe I was?

 

Soembody just called me asking if I knew her new phone number. So I dialed it and yes, no service.

 

So I don't know where she lives and I dont know her phone number, all the while she's been calling last sunday and emailing me three days ago about getting back together.

 

Bi-polar or what? Just wow