Just ridiculous Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Hi guys, thanks for all the posts, I have been reading everything and it is helping. I was told yesterday after almost 10 years of marriage that my husband is no longer in love with me. He loves me like a friend, and wants to separate. I noticed he has been really rude and distant lately, but I thought it was due to his father's terminal illness. Now last year, I was very ill and kinda checked out a bit, but am working hard to create a better relationship with him. He has been guarding his Blackberry with his life, and taking his laptop to work with him, which he never does. I asked to purge phone records yesterday (phone is in his name) and he refuses. I told him we can work on things, see our therapist, he said he doesn't want us to work, and I will find someone else some day. Probably cause he already has, though he denies it. I am a SAHM to a young child with a developmental disability and going to college part-time to earn a degree. I am worried about what I will do now, since I will likely have to work full-time and find specialized care for her, which in our area does not exist. I am just heartbroken and so angry I wished him death yesterday. He is stonefaced, calm, and not shedding a tear. It is terrifying. So I called an attorney today who I will meet next week, and am starting to gather important documents and cleaning out the house of junk so that if things get crazy I have less clutter to deal with. He calls me from work and says he hopes we can be together by the end of 12 months ( I asked him ideally what he hopes to happen in the next 12 months). I am so tired of the bull and told him we will live together until I am able to pay the bills here and during that time if we work out, we work out. I don't want him back and have no intention to work this out, seeing as he said he doesn't want us to work out yesterday, and the suspicion of cheating combined. Thanks for any advice or thoughts you can share.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Might not be what you want to hear..but yes this guy is definately having an affair. There would be no other reasoning for all the hiding. If theres nothing to hide then why is he hiding. He's most likely still in his affair fog thinking life will be grand with this other woman...possibly planning to move in with her..see how that works out..and if it doesnt...guess what? You'll be there to see him through it! Been there and still living through it..although no more affair. If you think life has been crappy through his affair...wait till you actually have prove!
whichwayisup Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Sorry for your pain... He has met someone else, and that's why he's distant and being an @ss. Talk to your lawyer, make sure you get child support and full custody. A man who walks on his family, especially one with a disabled child should have no problem paying child and spousal support.
hopesndreams Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Since you will be under the same roof, give him a taste of what life will be like without you. Follow the 180 exactly. This gives you the space you need for if/when he leaves. It will help make you stronger and is great for your self-esteem at this horrendous time in your life. As long as there is someone else in the picture, your M stands no chance. You can't compete, so don't even bother. Do not be his backup plan. Here's the 180. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
cavedweller Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Just, Your marriage is over.. He has another woman.. You need to seek a divorce..
worlybear Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Hi. It sounds very suspicious to me. My husband behaved in exactly the same nasty way to me and said there was no one else.(Of course there was.) Check out and see if there are any agencies that can support with child care. Check out the solicitors. Check out the marriage. Stay strong. We are all here for you:bunny::bunny:
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