can someone give there 2 cents...

[firefighter3512]

Well this is going to be a long and complicated one but here it goes...if you do not sincerely feel like helping me please disregard...I feel dead inside after discovering this and need help in what to do.

 

Well, I have been together with my girlfriend for 4 1/2 years now. She is a great girl - I love her very much but in the past we seem to sometimes not get along, which happened every once and a while but it didn’t last long and we got through it (I.E. fights about stupid stuff, etc.). I felt she would never cheat on me. She is my best friend and I know she loved me very much (Even though I doubt that now).

 

A little background on her: She is twenty three years old - soon to be twenty four and she is a little unstable - She is on depression pills as well as recovering from a MAJOR eating disorder. From where we started in the relationship to where it is now, she is almost like a different person - I have helped her through the bad times and helped her to gain control of her eating disorder. She is a very girly girl - Given that she is twenty three, she doesn't really have to many responsibilities and still heavily lives off her parents (Which I certainly don't mind) but she is very smart and intelligent - not a ditz. Both of us have very few friends because we are always hanging out with one and other.

 

A little background on me: I am twenty three and a very responsible young man - I find myself helping her through her problems, giving advice and knowledge, and I find no problems with this because I love her. I have never cheated on her. I am not overly controlling – I let her do what she wants and I don’t question or worry what she is doing behind my back (Until now!!)

 

Anyways - the problem: I want to be as brief as possible because there is a lot to this. Over this past summer our relationship has become extremely rocky. I have had my problems and she has had the same. Communication and emotional ties were very lacking, although we still hung out a lot and had sex. It started in March when I was very upset with her and questioned myself to if I truly loved her. We got into a big discussion and I was honest with her about that, telling her I may not really love her. If I know my girlfriend, she revolves around the words "I love you" and takes them very seriously. This must have been the straw that broke the camels back because she was very upset. Later on that month, after I thought things got better, she said she was hanging out with a few friends from her old job and I did not mind. Long story short, this past Monday I find out she has had an off and on relationship with one of these "friends" for the last four months. Our relationship was very difficult over the summer - we were almost on the verge of breaking up almost every week and fighting constantly but with a few good times sprinkled in.

 

I heard of the affair from the actual guy who she was with!! He sent me a long email detailed what had happened and that he was now ending contact with her because she ended it with him. My girlfriend would hang out with him and they would have sex, etc. This was off and on - it would happen a few times one week but would not happen for two or three weeks after that. He said she "flipped out" and came running back to me and then when we would fight or have a difficult time, she would run back to him. He said this was off and on from March to late July.

 

Anyways, it was sad that I had to find out from him rather than my own girlfriend after I had asked her multiple times if she was hiding something from me. She defiantly has issues with telling me things, (I.E. problems with her eating and financials she hid for years because she was embarrassed) but this was unbelievable. She said she ended it because she realized how much she wanted to be with me.

 

So, I need advice as to what to do now. Here are the highlights:

 

Bad:

1. She did not tell me herself

2. She had "unprotected sex" with this guy while at the same time periods having "unprotected sex" with me

3. She said that she broke it off two weeks ago after we had been really good together for the past few weeks and she realized she truly wanted to be with me - the guy verified this.

4. She openly lied to me multiple times over this summer to cover this up

5. Less than two weeks ago they went hiking and out to eat, all while having sex multiple times in one day (3 to be exact).

6. She openly pursued him - Calling him, meeting him at his place, etc.

7. She is twenty three - he was twenty nine

8. Although there was a lot of sex, she said she connected with him more on an intellectual and emotional level - I do believe this because this is what had been lacking in our relationship and I had not been giving to her.

 

Good:

1. She never cheated on me the previous four years of our relationship

2. I really do love this girl - And I want to make it work, want to be with her, and move on

3. She said it never lasted for long periods because she always came running back - She knew how good she had it with me but strayed when we got in serious rifts – I feel this is a problem that involved her depression / mental problems.

4. I feel that she really does love me - she has not stopped crying for the past four days and she called me constantly after I blew up at her on the phone.

5. Four years is proof that we can work - and that we both love each other – It is just trying to work around this issue.

6. Again we have been together four years and I feel that although this has amazingly depressed me, I feel she really does want a second chance and I so badly want to give that to her – I think she understands how much she screwed up.

7. I feel she really did break it off with him because she started saying that he was stalking her and asked for my protection - He also said that she did this and that he was never contacting her again

 

 

What I have done thus far:

I had a big blow out with her on the phone but the next day I couldn't stop thinking about the incident and her - We got to talking and she came over that afternoon and I told her I wanted to hear everything straight from her mouth, which she confessed the vast majority of. I was extremely upset but knew I loved her so much and that I wanted to be with her and make it work. She was overly apologetic, constantly crying and calling me (After the phone blow up). Anyways, I have since told her we will work it out and we are, I just need to know if I am making the right decision? I have made it very clear to her that this was a horrible act and that if I do take her back this is not a pass to cheat again - I think she accepts this because she can’t stop crying and wanting to be with me and is overly apologetic - I figure she really does love me. Overall, I feel like I want to stay with her because I love her and know that we can make it work - both of us. I feel horrible and dead inside and have trouble breathing - If anyone has any advice, please let me know - We are both not the kind of people to "give it time" - we like to work our problems out right away.

 

Thanks,

 

KRL

[meerkat stew]

This woman will end up making you miserable. Every time you have an argument, even a tiff, there's a chance she will run off and have sex with someone else. That's the nature of the personality type you describe in your OP. Get out now, find a sane, stable woman, and leave this one to reak havoc in other people's lives.

[cookie2]

Get rid of her. Having a long-term affair is not acceptable. Putting your life in danger by having unprotected sex is not acceptable. There is only one answer to this, if you have any self-respect whatsoever. And if you don't - then she will never respect you either, and will have another affair down the road.

[Untouchable_Fire]

FF

 

I know you want to work this out. So you need to be willing to put up with a certain level of cheating from her. From what I've seen women with eating disorders and mental issues like this tend to have about 1 affair per 7 years.

 

So since your wanting to work this out... you should get used to the idea that she will be cheating on you again at some point.

[Allisha]

My two cents? SURE.

 

 

 

Get rid of this girl, please. For your own good. You deserve better.

 

Relationships are all about respect, trust and love.

 

By dropping her pants, she's pretty much confirmed that--

 

- she doesn't respect you.

- she can't be trusted.

- she doesn't really love you.

 

I know your feelings for her make you want to see the good in her, but please listen to us. She is no good for you and this is very, very, VERY unlikely to work out.

 

Good luck! Sorry if I appear harsh, but you really need to realise that you can do better.

[Allisha]

So I know I just posted a reply to this, but I wanted to read your post again to see what I missed, so I thought I'd do this, too. My responses to each of the points are obviously in bold

 

 

Bad:

1. She did not tell me herself - this is because she doesn't respect you.

2. She had "unprotected sex" with this guy while at the same time periods having "unprotected sex" with me - this guy could have had an STD. She put herself and you at risk. Filthy. Get yourself checked.

3. She said that she broke it off two weeks ago after we had been really good together for the past few weeks and she realized she truly wanted to be with me - the guy verified this. So this girl cheats on you repeatedly when she can't hack the low points of a relationship? And then wants you when you're going through a good patch?

4. She openly lied to me multiple times over this summer to cover this up - Yep. She's a liar & a cheat. It's what they do.

5. Less than two weeks ago they went hiking and out to eat, all while having sex multiple times in one day (3 to be exact). Yep, all pre-meditated. She wasn't thinking of you during this because she doesn't truly care about you. It is an affair, not a drunken one night stand which is completely unacceptable in itself anyway.

6. She openly pursued him - Calling him, meeting him at his place, etc. When you weren't good enough for her.. she ran off to him. You want to make it work with this girl?!! This will just continue.

7. She is twenty three - he was twenty nine

8. Although there was a lot of sex, she said she connected with him more on an intellectual and emotional level - I do believe this because this is what had been lacking in our relationship and I had not been giving to her. Yes she did. She had an emotional and physical AFFAIR with a guy she pursued because she didn't respect you enough to sit you down & talk about your relationship problems. Another blatant lack of respect. I hope you don't feel like any of this is your fault. If she was lacking emotional connections or whatever, she should have talked to you about it. Simple as that.

 

Good: - there's nothing good about this, for a start.

1. She never cheated on me the previous four years of our relationship - she lied constantly. How do you know this for sure?

2. I really do love this girl - And I want to make it work, want to be with her, and move on - I understand this hunny but sometimes you have to let your head rule, not your heart. And do what's best for YOU; which I believe is to move on from this girl and find a person who wouldn't do this to you. You deserve more.

3. She said it never lasted for long periods because she always came running back - She knew how good she had it with me but strayed when we got in serious rifts – I feel this is a problem that involved her depression / mental problems. - she bailed when it got too tough. It's not really an excuse, just tells me she's not ready for a relationship what so ever, nevermind with you. She needs to sort out her issues first.

4. I feel that she really does love me - she has not stopped crying for the past four days and she called me constantly after I blew up at her on the phone. ...please (I'm only saying this because I don't want you to get hurt again!) don't fall for this.

5. Four years is proof that we can work - and that we both love each other – It is just trying to work around this issue. - four years proves nothing. Marriages break up after thirty years. It makes no difference. Please don't forget the fact she didn't admit to her affair, actively pursued this guy and lied to cover her tracks. How can this work?

6. Again we have been together four years and I feel that although this has amazingly depressed me, I feel she really does want a second chance and I so badly want to give that to her – I think she understands how much she screwed up. - she screwed another guy, several times. and lied about it. That's how she screwed up. If she truly wanted a second chance, she would have admitted to, and ended her affair the first time it happened. A second chance would have been when she realised on one of the "good patches" where she deemed it necessary to be faithful, what a great guy she had and one she wouldn't continually disrespect. I know you love her, but that doesn't mean she's worth another chance.

7. I feel she really did break it off with him because she started saying that he was stalking her and asked for my protection - He also said that she did this and that he was never contacting her again. - I wouldn't really believe this either, given her history of lies. If it is true, then this is only one guy. She's been able to cheat on you before. She'll be able to do it again with someone else. It's not about who it's with.

 

 

What I have done thus far:

I had a big blow out with her on the phone but the next day I couldn't stop thinking about the incident and her - We got to talking and she came over that afternoon and I told her I wanted to hear everything straight from her mouth, which she confessed the vast majority of. I was extremely upset but knew I loved her so much and that I wanted to be with her and make it work. She was overly apologetic, constantly crying and calling me (After the phone blow up). Anyways, I have since told her we will work it out and we are, I just need to know if I am making the right decision? I have made it very clear to her that this was a horrible act and that if I do take her back this is not a pass to cheat again - I think she accepts this because she can’t stop crying and wanting to be with me and is overly apologetic - I figure she really does love me. Overall, I feel like I want to stay with her because I love her and know that we can make it work - both of us. I feel horrible and dead inside and have trouble breathing - If anyone has any advice, please let me know --- i know how you feel. The easy option is to stay with her, the harder option is to leave her. I personally don't believe this can work out, nor do I think she's ready for a relationship of any kind. The easy option isn't necessarily the best thing for us. Please remember that. Regardless of the pain you feel now, if you break it off with her, remeber that it WILL get better. I promise.- We are both not the kind of people to "give it time" - we like to work our problems out right away. - I feel like she has alot of problems of her own to deal with. None of this is YOUR fault. She could have talked to you rather than go look for affection elsewhere. There's no excuse.

 

Most importantly, in response to your question if you're making the right decision:

I genuinely do NOT think you're doing the right thing. I think your unbearable pain is making you go for the easy option.

I study medicine (and therefore some psychology) and I would say that she has alot of issues to deal with of her own which makes it unhealthy for her to be in a relationship, with you or anyone.

 

I hope you find the courage to face it and do what's best for YOU, which I believe to be ending it with this girl.

Please remember, she wasn't crying when she was having an affair, nor did she consider the consequences of her actions or your feelings, so do not even consider her apologies or her tears in making your decision, because she sure didn't consider yours. I know you love her, but sometimes love simply isn't enough.

Keep us updated?

 

Good luck.

Edited August 6, 2010 by Allisha

[jnj express]

What ever you do---Do not ever think of marrying this girl.

 

Right now you are really just shacking-up, so do what ever you want---but a commitment to mge. with her would be toxic for you

[GordonDarkfoot]

firefighter--

 

as far as the girl goes, dump her, obviously, that's a no brainer.

 

But my two cents involves you. You need to get some therapy as to why you would be involved with someone like this in the first place, then look for reasons to hang on after she's proven she's a cheater, a liar, and doesn't love you at all.

 

If you don't get therapy, yes you can and should dump this one, you will soon find a clone and waste another four years of your life with the same kind of drama.

[LSNoob]

Ok ok your gf is a cake eater. But man, what kinda guy tell his gf "I'm not sure if I love you". You kidding me? That's like a woman telling her man "I'm not sure if I will have sex with you ever again". No **** the man will be running out looking for a new woman. IMHO if you didn't pick the cake of her plate, shove it in her mouth and then shove it down her throat with your foot, she prob wouldn't have ate her cake in the first place.

 

It's up to you if you want to give her a second chance or not. Don't dwell on it that much and make sure that's a lesson well learned. Next time you tell your future wife/gf that you not sure if you love her, don't expect her to get up cook for you, give you a message then sex you up all night. Good luck

[lostsunsets]

I agree with snoob. Men give love for sex. Women give sex for love. You tell her you don't know if you love her, where does she stand? Nowhere.

[ALombard]

Wow! Firefighter, I have to be 100% honest here. I went through the EXACT same thing with my ex. Twice actually. If you want really great advice, do what I never did and just cut and run. I'll give you a little run down of what my situation was (not trying to thread jack) and then give you some good advice.

 

A while back, 2 years ago, my ex and I were living together. Things got very rocky and like you I found myself questioning my feelings for her. One day we started fighting and afterwards I told her, " I don't think I can live with you anymore" and " I don't know how I feel about you anymore". Now keep in mind I never cheated on her, I didn't even talk to other girls, I just felt like we were going downhill. A few weeks later she moves out and we get even rockier. Well we break up but still keep things consistent, ie; sex, hanging out, sleeping over, etc. I come to find out a few weeks later she is seeing someone else. This hurt because we talked about staying dedicated to eachother after our split. Anyway, same thing happened over the course of a year. We would be fine, things would get rocky, she'd start seeing someone behind my back, break up with me, date them, then all of a sudden have this "realization" that she really wanted to be with me. It wasn't until this last time that I made up my mind to say "f*ck it, I'm done". It hurt like hell for the first 2 months but I am admitedly better now. The back and forth her and I did took a HUGE emotional and mental toll on me and I look back on it now realizing that no girl is worth that, no matter how great they are.

 

So here's why I am TELLING you to just cut and run. Were you partially at fault because you told her you may not love her anymore? Yes, just like I was at fault for telling my ex I couldn't live with her anymore. Your S/O will always take words like that to heart and most of the time it tears them apart. But, when it comes to her actions, she wasn't up front, she lied to you, put your health in jeopardy by having unprotected sex with another man, and to top it off, actually had another relationship while being with you!

 

You may have been an assh*le for what you said to her but that doesn't justify what she did.

 

Chances are this will happen again. I can't tell you how many times my ex apologized, cried to me, begged me to take her back. I fell for it everytime, and as soon as things got even a little rocky she would go and start hanging out with new "friends".

 

Point is this. If you take her back and show her that she can get away with this she will keep doing it. It's like punishing a child, if a kid does something bad and his parents just tell him "don't do that it's bad" and don't show him any form of punishment the kid will be keep doing the bad act. Same goes with her, if you take her back and don't show her you can stand up for yourself and respect yourself then she will eventually turn you into her doormat. Believe me, no matter how "manly" you think you are, or how much you don't think that would ever happen it will.

 

You're young, my age actually. I was with my ex for 4 1/2 years so I know the feeling of not wanting to let go. But, in the long run you will be better off. You may not find someone right away but who cares? Go have fun and when another girl comes along take what you learned from this relationship and use it to make the next one better.

[phineas]

This woman will end up making you miserable. Every time you have an argument, even a tiff, there's a chance she will run off and have sex with someone else. That's the nature of the personality type you describe in your OP. Get out now, find a sane, stable woman, and leave this one to reak havoc in other people's lives.

 

I married & am now divorcing a woman like this.

I just didn't figure it out until I had 2 kids with her.

 

RUN.

[tman666]

Do not try and use your previous 4 years together to justify staying with her. This is sunk-cost scenario. The previous 4 years have no bearing on the present situation, which is that she f*cked another guy (repeatedly).

 

There are so many girls and women out there that are capable of being loving, empathetic, stable, faithful partners. Why hang on to this piece of filth?

 

Be done with her.

[firefighter3512]

Thanks for everyone's advice - I knew that was the right decision to make. I was planning on seeing her tonight to end it but she just called me and said she was worried because I had not picked up my phone all day - Although I would have liked to have done it in person, I did it over the phone. I thought it would be harder on my part but it is like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Again, thanks all.

[Onto]

You have to ask yourself why do you want to be in a relationship where there is so much drama?

 

Why do you want to be with someone that is mentally unstable?

 

There are answers to these questions, and you work them out as you go through the relationship. However if you decide to think about them, instead of going through them you may get the answer you're looking for without having to waste the good years of your life.

 

By the way, a woman secretly wants a man to control her and not let her do whaterever she wants with whoever she wants. She may accuse you of being jealous, but a woman actually wants you to be man enough to reign her in.

 

Finally, a woman who tells her man that she has a guy friend is either kidding him, or kidding herself.

 

Edit: I just saw you dumped her. Good job, no find yourself a more developed woman.

Edited August 6, 2010 by Onto

[Maggotface]

She can't be trusted, a big part of it is the fact that she hid it from you and you had to find out from him. I'm glad you left her,I hope you don't end up missing her to bad and getting back together.