Engagement over; how to win him back

[ame1047]

Alright... here is the jist of it: together for one month shy of 4 years. Engaged for 4 months (he proposed in front of both of our families on Christmas). Lived together 3.5 of the 4 years. Bought a house together (only in his name though).He went on vacation to visit some friends... I stayed home, I was preparing for finals after my hardest semester... comes back and three days later has a conversation with his mother (who lives by us, and is EXTREMELY protective of her children) and breaks up with me. I won't say that I was an angel, I was stressed out about work, the wedding, school, finances, etc.. and letting it get the best of me. not to mention that we had not spent a weekend alone together in over 6 weeks because we were constantly with his family (mine lives very far away). I was still madly in love... and BAM! It's over... just like that. It has been 3 months, and I have been trying to practice No Contact with him... which is very hard still.Any suggestions on what to do? We don't talk, his family is all being very mean to me, as is he... friends won't talk to me anymore (mutual ones). I don't know what the heck I did? I have been super nice, only coming over to get my stuff after contacting him. Giving back his house keys. Moving out the night that he broke up with me. Never a mean word or harsh statement from me to him... not once. I have definitely calmed down and realized that I cannot let the little things bother me.. I have found a lot out about myself, and hate that I cannot share this with him. He has not tried contacting me at all and seems only frustrated if we accidently run into each other (like I am doing it on purpose, which I am not). We live within 2 miles of eachother... it is going to happen. Do I just move on? Do I leave him alone? Do I tell him that I still have feelings for him? AH!! 3 months... I should be over him right? But I truly believe that he was my soul mate. No other girl involved, no cheating at all.... he just couldn't marry someone that was so unhappy all of the time. He said that he was ready to get married, just not to me. Ouch, I know.Thoughts on how to get him back.... please

[Treasa]

Wait, he told you he wanted to get married, just not to you, and that wasn't enough of an insult to your pride to make you say, "Wow, f*ck it, I'm not a placeholder" and walk away and never want to talk to him? Because mine said something similar to me, and that cut those magical feelings for him so fast it would have made your head spin.

 

I told mine that he was my soulmate, too (we were together for six years), right before he wrote back, "I know I miss having a girlfriend, but I'm not certain that you're the one I want."

 

Uh, yeah. Have fun finding the one you want with all the issues you have, then, buddy. It was at that moment that I realized he wasn't my soulmate, because my soulmate wouldn't be saying that to me. It was also when I realized that I was saying that to try and romanticize things and get him back. And also when I realized that this was NOT a man I wanted.

 

Yep, my feelings changed just like that. Literally in two seconds. My pride reared up, shook me by the shoulders, and said, "You are not wasting another MOMENT of your life on this guy." I never replied to his email, and blocked his ass the moment I saw he was signing up for Facebook a few days later. I think I sent him a clear message, and have thankfully not really heard from him since, except for one inconsequential email.

 

Do you really want to be with someone who would break up with you like that, treat you like crap, tell you he doesn't want to be alone but certainly doesn't want to be with you, and whose family treats you that way? REALLY???

 

Leave this dude alone. I hope you didn't put too much money into the house that's in his name only. If so, I hope it's a lesson to never do that again. NEVER buy a house with someone if you aren't married to them or your name isn't on the mortgage. Otherwise there goes all that equity you could have otherwise been entitled to.

 

Find new friends. If "mutual" friends are treating you poorly, they weren't that mutual.

 

Try to avoid this guy as much as possible. Don't contact him. Find new hobbies, immerse yourself in your goals, exercise every day, and don't even think that he's your soulmate. He's not. He's just a dude, and not a great one at that. And no, I don't think three months is a very long time to be over this. It's been almost three months for me, too, and I'm 90-something percent over my ex, but that's because I refuse to pine for someone who clearly doesn't want me and doesn't deserve me. I'm sort of a fighter that way. I don't let any man destroy me for very long.

[ame1047]

VERY Valid points... However, I guess I am just not that fighter. I feel like I really lost a huge peice of myself with him. I feel like the reason for the break up is a huge miscommunication (mostly on his part) and something that we totally could work through with proper communication. You are right. He is acting like a jerk, as is his family. Thank you for sharing with me your experience... puts things into perspective, but does not take away that desire to be with him. I am not even close to 90-something percent over him.He will not give me back the money that I put down on the house, because I kept the ring... so I dropped it. Not too concerned about money. I didn't put my name on the house, because it was a risky buy in a risky market... and we didn't want both of our credits to be screwed if anything happened. He has changed EVERYTHING in the house from furniture to flooring since I left too... said that it was just hard to keep staring at stuff that was "ours".I stopped going on Facebook, I couldn't keep watching him post stuff about how wonderful his life is going (PS: he used to make fun of people that were on FB all of the time, now he is one of them) So I had my friend change my password, and I haven't been on there in over a month. Too hard to see his words, but I don't want the animocity that would come with removing his family and him from my friends, so I removed myself. I really do love him still, it would take a lot for us to work this out, but I guess I have more to think about after hearing your story. Thanks!

[Jilly Bean]

he just couldn't marry someone that was so unhappy all of the time.

 

Were you unhappy a lot?

[Treasa]

Were you unhappy a lot?

 

That's a really valid question. My ex told me that, too, which is ironic because he complained constantly about everything.

 

And I realized that I WAS unhappy a lot when I was with him. I just didn't want to admit it to myself.

[Jilly Bean]

That's a really valid question. My ex told me that, too, which is ironic because he complained constantly about everything.

 

And I realized that I WAS unhappy a lot when I was with him. I just didn't want to admit it to myself.

 

Yes, Im wondering if Ame dug deeper, and got past her shock, if it wouldn't reveal that she was genuinely unhappy.

 

Sometimes we need people to hold up the mirror, as we get so entrenched in our own scene.

[ame1047]

I was unhappy a lot. But mostly because I don't really care for the city that we live in. We were planning on moving when I was done with my degree... to start a family. Not really a place that either of us wanted to raise a family, honestly. I wasn't unhappy with him. he treated me like a queen, and was very patient with my frustrations. I honestly think that my unhappiness with other areas of my life was reflecting on our relationship. I have realized that now... of course when it is too late, but he never communicated to me that I was making him unhappy by being unhappy with everything else other than him. I just want another chance, an opportunity to reason with him, and be one again. Am I just being ridiculous, and time to give up? I can't say that I am living on hope, I am definitely doing things that I enjoy... getting out more, hanging out with friends traveling, exploring, learning, reading, etc. the list goes on and on... but I can't say that I have given up all hope yet!

[Treasa]

VERY Valid points... However, I guess I am just not that fighter. I feel like I really lost a huge peice of myself with him. I feel like the reason for the break up is a huge miscommunication (mostly on his part) and something that we totally could work through with proper communication. You are right. He is acting like a jerk, as is his family. Thank you for sharing with me your experience... puts things into perspective, but does not take away that desire to be with him. I am not even close to 90-something percent over him.He will not give me back the money that I put down on the house, because I kept the ring... so I dropped it. Not too concerned about money. I didn't put my name on the house, because it was a risky buy in a risky market... and we didn't want both of our credits to be screwed if anything happened. He has changed EVERYTHING in the house from furniture to flooring since I left too... said that it was just hard to keep staring at stuff that was "ours".I stopped going on Facebook, I couldn't keep watching him post stuff about how wonderful his life is going (PS: he used to make fun of people that were on FB all of the time, now he is one of them) So I had my friend change my password, and I haven't been on there in over a month. Too hard to see his words, but I don't want the animocity that would come with removing his family and him from my friends, so I removed myself. I really do love him still, it would take a lot for us to work this out, but I guess I have more to think about after hearing your story. Thanks!

 

There's so much truth buried in this post, but you just haven't realized it yet. You know the truth deep down. Soon you'll feel it.

 

I have no worries about you whatsoever. I can see tiny little fragments of what you really feel, and I think what's hurting you the most is the perceived feeling of losing yourself. But you don't know yet that that's what's really bothering you.

[EthanH]

Alright... here is the jist of it: together for one month shy of 4 years. Engaged for 4 months (he proposed in front of both of our families on Christmas). Lived together 3.5 of the 4 years. Bought a house together (only in his name though).He went on vacation to visit some friends... I stayed home, I was preparing for finals after my hardest semester... comes back and three days later has a conversation with his mother (who lives by us, and is EXTREMELY protective of her children) and breaks up with me. I won't say that I was an angel, I was stressed out about work, the wedding, school, finances, etc.. and letting it get the best of me. not to mention that we had not spent a weekend alone together in over 6 weeks because we were constantly with his family (mine lives very far away). I was still madly in love... and BAM! It's over... just like that. It has been 3 months, and I have been trying to practice No Contact with him... which is very hard still.Any suggestions on what to do? We don't talk, his family is all being very mean to me, as is he... friends won't talk to me anymore (mutual ones). I don't know what the heck I did? I have been super nice, only coming over to get my stuff after contacting him. Giving back his house keys. Moving out the night that he broke up with me. Never a mean word or harsh statement from me to him... not once. I have definitely calmed down and realized that I cannot let the little things bother me.. I have found a lot out about myself, and hate that I cannot share this with him. He has not tried contacting me at all and seems only frustrated if we accidently run into each other (like I am doing it on purpose, which I am not). We live within 2 miles of eachother... it is going to happen. Do I just move on? Do I leave him alone? Do I tell him that I still have feelings for him? AH!! 3 months... I should be over him right? But I truly believe that he was my soul mate. No other girl involved, no cheating at all.... he just couldn't marry someone that was so unhappy all of the time. He said that he was ready to get married, just not to me. Ouch, I know.Thoughts on how to get him back.... please

 

Woah! I think I'm going to become an emo after reading some of these stories, it is amazing how people who clearly love someone at one point can hurt the same person more than anyone else.

 

First off, there are no rules about how you should or shouldn't be feeling right now. This is a massively difficult thing to deal with. Don't think 'oh i should be over him by now'... if you aren't, to me it is just an indication of how much you liked him, and **** no wonder, you wanted to marry him. You wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. I'm not saying this to rub it in, I'm saying it because if you think, you felt this way about this guy and he was able to treat you like this? He was able to end things with you, such a momentous thing in your and his life, and not even feel as though he had a massive huge duty to explain things to you? Don't in any way blame yourself, you say you were 'no angel' but in no way did you deserve to be treated like this! He knows you have feelings for him.

 

<<the fact he has been able to go for 3 months without feeling a massive, intense, all consuming, urge to do the very least of respectful gestures and explain to you why he decided what he decided? To me, I will admit I don't know this guy, but the fact he hasn't told you why he did what he did is enough for me to come to the conclusion that you are much better off without him>>

 

I know it is impossible to see positives, I bet you crave to be back with him even though you know he hasn't treated you well... but the positive is, at least you didn't waste any more of your time thinking that this guy was 'the one'... imagine if you had, and say you had kids, and then he just had a chance of heart, you got out early and in my opinion, no matter how painful it is now, ultimately, you will find someone who you can rely on and who doesn't treat you like this.

 

As disgraceful as his comment about being ready to get married, just not to you, is... pity him, it is a pathetic thing to say... how does he know he is ready to get married, has he met someone he is ready to marry?...of course not, it strikes me as a bitter comment, aimed at hurting you, he seems to blame you for an awful lot, and the only justification is that in doing it, he takes the heat off him and his a)messed up head and b) the way he has treated you.

 

As for you saying he couldn't marry someone who was unhappy all the time... um, it sounds like an excuse to me. But look at the conclusions you can take from it, why weren't you happy? 1) if it was that ultimately you weren't happy with him, at least you can be with someone who makes you happy. 2) if it was college work, do you really want to be with someone who bails on you so easily at the smallest bit of stress? Think about what the future would have been like, you were in a reasonably peaceful time, compared to the potential stresses on the horizon - kids, money, etc etc, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't back you up when things are tough, who will just run away? It's a rubbish excuse. I can tell you, my ex, was at college, she failed part of her course, she knew it was going to happen, I helped her out so much, because I was able to see the bigger picture, when you care about someone who is struggling, you help them out, and you know you really care about them if you never see it as a hassle... which... i never found with my ex, i never found it to be something which i tired of. He should have been there for you when you needed him, and he did the opposite.

 

(just out of interest, as I know how tough it is to have issues like this when you are in college, how did your studies go? please tell me this didn't impact on them...)

 

Nothing i can say will really help, as I know the pain i feel even when people are helpful on here is still there...it is a cliche, but you do deserve better. Don't ever blame yourself. Pity him for not being able to be with you.

[EthanH]

just read your latest post... and i am still left with an overriding question... what was his reasoning for why he didn't want to be with you? You say miscommunication, but regarding what? ...

[ame1047]

His reasoning: His mother told him that she felt sorry for him because he was with such a miserable person ( of course, this coming from her after her and I had gotten into an argument, and I had not had a chance to talk to her myself) and he said that he felt sorry for himself too. We were heading in different directions (not really sure where that came from, because he was getting ready to sign up for classes, and start going to school like me to get a job that gives us both more mobility) I made him feel bad about himself, he said. I guess that is what I mean by miscommunication.... or lack of communication all together. I had no idea that he felt ANY of this until it was "too late" for him. He had already given up. He really is a good person, and has a great heart, but he just isn't nice to me. My friends all tell me that he is still nice to them, and friendly but me on the other hand... really making me feel like I gave him some reason (unknown to me) for him to resent me. Apparently I did something wrong here... I guess lack of communication again because I am still in the dark. The communication lacking on my part is that I never told him that he meant more to me than moving out of this city. I never told him how happy I was in our relationship... with our relationship. When I told him everything after the fact... he said, again... it is everything that he needed to hear, but "too late". I guess maybe trying to be with him I should take the hint, "too late". Just hard to not want to be with someone that you were so ready for forever with. PS: Still a 4.0 student... even though he broke up with me 4 days before finals....

[EthanH]

Yay, not sure what a 4.0 student, as I'm from the U.K... but I'm guessing it is good! I'm really glad you were able to focus on your studies... the one thing I have really learnt... I knew it all along, but didn't really let it impact me... was that you know 100% that your college degree will still be having an influence on you in 10, 20, 30 years, and yet even in the greatest relationships, you don't know if they will be with you tomorrow.

 

Thing is, reading your main reply, it just makes me sad. Because he is so powerful in this, he blames your miscommunication, and because you love him, you actually accept this as a reasonable thing to say... and not focus on the fact that he treated you terribly. I pity someone who can blame their actions on speaking to their mother, I mean, how old is he? Sounds like you have put yourself first, which is what you should do and he cannot deal with that... the irony is, he blames you for miscommunication, but it is him who wasn't able to tell you what he wanted until it was 'too late'...

 

Thing is, it is easy to think 'I wish I had told him how much I loved our relationship'... but the truth is, there is usually something all of us could have done better, there was just as much chance that if you had told him that, he might have taken it for granted or been scared. We judge how to act, you did everything you could. Don't doubt yourself. IF he is in love with you enough to want to marry you, (all of the things which he cites are 'too late' won't matter if he really loves you) and if not, you are better off without him.

 

People read into things way too much, but there is a simple thing which I believe in, it is a gut instinct, it is something which goes past all logic, most people just know, and it takes a lot to change that... sure he can act logically for a while, but if he loves you, it will still be sitting there nibbling away at him. The thing is, having said this, I say again, do you really want someone who bails on you after being unable to discuss things with you and taking some advice from his mother? ... doesn't sound too delicious to me...

[Jilly Bean]

Ame - let me share a little insight about men in relationships, that some may disagree with, but Ive found this to be quite true.

 

The biggest validator for a man in a relationship, is knowing he can do things to make his woman happy. When a man feels that he is capable of doing that, HE feels special, and loved and happy.

 

And I mean little things - like, if he orders the right drink for you while you're in the restroom and you smile widely when you return and see it waiting for you, or, he gets you the best flowers and you call your BFF to tell her how amazing he is, or he rubs your feet and you coo about how wonderful he is to you...

 

Men want to feel APPRECIATED. They want to feel that they can make everything wonderful in your life, even though they know this isn't possible on a certain level, they want to feel that you can find comfort and joy in with him, even in the middle of madness.

 

Think of simple male-female communication. How when you complain about something at work, etc., to your girlfriends, you are venting. To your man, he feels the need to solve your problems. He wants to be your hero, your knight - the one in your life who makes you feel HAPPY.

 

It sounds like this was no longer happening in your relationship. It sounds like you were always unhappy, and therefore, he felt like he was failing. As a man, as a BF, and certainly, as a potential husband. Incredibly dejecting for a man. Truly.

 

So, I think this is what went on. You weren't happy, he tried in his own ways to help with that (or not), but at the end of the day, he longer felt good about himself, because he couldnt make the person he loved feel better.

 

Make sense?

[EthanH]

 

Think of simple male-female communication. How when you complain about something at work, etc., to your girlfriends, you are venting. To your man, he feels the need to solve your problems. He wants to be your hero, your knight - the one in your life who makes you feel HAPPY.

 

It sounds like this was no longer happening in your relationship. It sounds like you were always unhappy, and therefore, he felt like he was failing. As a man, as a BF, and certainly, as a potential husband. Incredibly dejecting for a man. Truly.

 

So, I think this is what went on. You weren't happy, he tried in his own ways to help with that (or not), but at the end of the day, he longer felt good about himself, because he couldnt make the person he loved feel better.

 

Make sense?

 

 

I actually just laughed out loud as to how correct you are about this. From a guy who has been in exactly this position (I spent a lot of time asking my ex what was wrong, why she was 'grumpy' (i see now it was that she still used the attention seeking tricks she had when she was a kid, ie if you act like something is up, you will get sympathy...yet as an adult, it annoyed the she still did this, and she felt bad that she was doing it to me, which simply compounded her grumpiness)...

 

So as a guy who has experienced exactly this, i have to say that at the time, there was no way i could fully comprehend what an impact me not ever being able to solve her issues had on me. I'm not sure if this is just an issue with guys (I always hate stereotyping based on gender) but to me, it rings very true. I look back and realise how much it bothered me, not any specific events or issues, but a gradual tug at my happiness. I didn't doubt myself specifically, but I guess it eroded my confidence without me really noticing it. Friends say to me now that I became incomparable to the guy they knew when I first met my ex.

[ame1047]

Well, you are totally right Jilly. I was so focused on the negative that I didn't accept much of his "gifts" as they were. I regret that more than I can express. But because we are in NC mode, I can't tell him any of that. I wish that there were a way to be able to discuss this with him... the realizations that I have now of what I did wrong (knowing that it wasn't all my fault) in our relationship, and what I need to improve on. I want to fight to get him back... but there isn't much that I can do for that right now, unless anyone has any lovely suggestions!!! I did appreciate him, and we had so much fun together (especially when it was just the two of us) we laughed alot and I was always excited and amused when he would make small gestures such as flowers, small kisses and surprises. PS: 4.0 student is A student.Is it time for me to just give up? I am really trying to move on and better myself as a person, which I have done a lot of and calmed down a lot about everything. Please any advice is better than nothing. Thank you for your support.

[Jilly Bean]

I think a handwritten, impassioned letter, telling him where you think you screwed up, what you are doing to work on that, and the promise you want to make to a future with him would be in order.

[JustJoe]

Ame, a couple of things: 1) If he broke the engagement because his mom doesn't like you , then he can't be much of a man , in the first place. If my mom didn't like my fiance (and she doesn't) and said to me that I would be better off with someone else , I would ignore her wishes. I will marry when and to whom I choose. So if he's a momma's boy, you are better off without him. 2) What specifically did you do to precipitate this crisis? Did you go out with another guy or something? Did you drink too much? Did you nag or get into too many fights? What caused this sudden , overnight, change?

[Chinook]

Just to add to what Jilly said (right on the nail there)... the biggest thing I've said to my guy which helps him with his knight-scenario thing when something is happening, I tell him "honey, I'm venting, I'm seething, I'm giving out about it, I love you... but you don't need to solve this for me, just hold my hand and walk with me in it" (whether this is work, home, family, friends etc). It kinda sucks with some things, but when it first happened and I told him what he had to do to help... it made things a whooooooole lot better.

 

Now, he sits back and he says "what's my role in this honey...?" and I say "you're my comfort blanket, my rock, my prince who holds my hand". He smiles and hugs me and we talk things through and then, we're all happy again.

 

When it's stuff which he's been the instigator of the problem (very rare) I just explain what hurts and why and then I have to let him put it right .... the italicised point there being important. In life, we're not mind readers. It's important that not only do we tell our mates how they hurt us, but also how they can make it feel better.

[spyyder]

Ame, a couple of things: 1) If he broke the engagement because his mom doesn't like you , then he can't be much of a man , in the first place. If my mom didn't like my fiance (and she doesn't) and said to me that I would be better off with someone else , I would ignore her wishes. I will marry when and to whom I choose. So if he's a momma's boy, you are better off without him. 2) What specifically did you do to precipitate this crisis? Did you go out with another guy or something? Did you drink too much? Did you nag or get into too many fights? What caused this sudden , overnight, change?

 

Well...I'm a momma's boy, but when it comes to gfs and the woman I will marry one day it'll be 100% my choice, doesn't matter if my mom/dad doesn't like her. Actually now that I think about it, my mom has never liked ANY of my gfs, but that never bothered me. But anyway, JustJoe is right about your ex taking advice from his mom....do you really want a guy that with you or not with you based on his moms wishes? Thats like the medieval ages reversed.

 

Anyway I myself am wondering why the sudden change. During your relationship with your ex did you keep up a good (or at least neutral) relationship with his parents? Being on your bfs/gfs parent's good books is essential. I think if his mom felt sorry for him based on 1 argument you had with her, it shows her immaturity. Perhaps his whole family is ****ed up.

[ame1047]

I wrote him a letter, shortly after the break up... but again was told that it was everything that he needed to hear but "too late".Never cheated, never went out with anyone else, never was anything but faithful to him. We spent a lot of time with his family. His parents house at least once a month maybe more... then also to his Aunts, then his Grandparents, etc... shoot, he proposed to me in his sisters house! I was really close to his family, now they all treat me like S*#T! Oh well, I guess it comes with the break up... right? Maybe they are immature. I think that they liked me, but didn't agree with all of my perceptions and ideas.I think that keeping NC with him for a long time will probably be my only choice at this point, he has made it clear that he doesn't even like me at all... he is being very mean (again, haven't done anything to him, other than respect his wishes and space) but running into him is a horrible experience for me.