What Are We Looking For?

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

Since coming onto this site I've seen so many people in a situation similar to me, and what scares me is that while I'm only 4 months into my break up and struggling badly, some people have been going as much as a year, and STILL can't get over their exs.

 

This kind of thing can come to define you, because you spend so much of your time thinking about, working your life around it (for instance, I've pretty much avoided going to all the places my ex does, and I've added an extra half hour to my route home from college so I can avoid going past her house) and it STILL doesn't heal. Are we supposed to spend our whole lives pining for those we love who've left us? What is it that we're looking for? I feel like I need answers as to why I'm now single, why the girl I'm madly in love with hurt me like that. And I'll never get those answers, now. It hurts every goddamn day, more and more. NC just doesn't work. But there needs to be another solution...

[Treasa]

I was in my relationship for six years. It'll be three months since he broke up with me on August 13th. It'll be six weeks of NC tomorrow, I think. I loved him more than I can tell you, but I'm 90-something percent over him.

 

I guess what sets me apart from some people is the fact that deep down I value myself above my ex. I tried to get him back, and did in fact successfully get him back several times in the past, but when he finally made it clear that it was over and that he didn't want to be alone, but didn't want me, my long-buried pride and self-esteem came rising to the surface and stopped me from replying to him ever again.

 

I'm a fighter and a survivor. It's how I was raised, and I think it's an inherent part of my personality. I was in so much pain I can't even express it. But I refused to STAY in that pain. Let one single human being ruin my life?? F*ck no! My mother didn't hold me in her arms as a baby, look down at me, and say, "I hope some as*hole comes along and forever takes away your happiness."

 

If my mom can love me that much, I can love myself that much, right? And I do love myself that much. My mom wanted to murder him when she saw how much pain I was in. Now THAT is love.

 

I immediately took a good, long look at myself, moved myself rightfully to the center spot of my universe, knocking the ex completely OUT of the universe, and started setting goals.

 

I have dreams, I have ambitions. Those are what I focus on now. I have fun with friends. I am trying to achieve my full potential within my own life. I cannot control what anyone else does, but I CAN control how much of an effect others have on me, and I sure as hell can control what I do with my life.

 

It's a powerful feeling, knowing that you have control over yourself. Is that to say I never have pain or down moments or times when I think about him? Nope. I have them every time I PMS, actually. And every time I tell myself, "It'll pass. Now get back to what you were doing."

 

And it does pass. And each time gets easier and shorter in duration. I endure the pain, I keep doing what I should be doing, and I pat myself on the back for every positive action I take, or every week I don't contact him.

 

I'm not the least bit tempted to contact him ever again. WHY would I want someone who doesn't want me?? That isn't love! I deserve to be loved, and the people who love me, or at least like me, are the only ones I really let into my life nowadays. I don't let people talk down to me, I don't let people abuse me. I am a very pleasant person, but I'm no longer a doormat. And people have noticed the change and changed how they treat me accordingly.

 

The only reason I still post here is to help others out and just to read what others are going through. I think that most people who can get past a breakup in a healthy manner move past this place eventually. So don't feel that EVERYONE struggles seemingly forever with a broken heart. You need to know that you do have control over how you feel, how you act, who you are.

 

And I can't recommend therapy enough, even though it was me who really did all the hard work.

 

If you don't love yourself enough, you're going to have a really, REALLY hard time moving past this. You have to reach deep down and find that love. Find that self respect. Find that feeling of pride in yourself to not settle or beg.

 

It isn't easy, and it doesn't happen in a linear way, and it doesn't happen overnight. But it does happen if you're willing to endure the pain and put forth the work required to make it happen.

 

ETA: I forgot to answer your question! You're looking for yourself.

Edited August 5, 2010 by Treasa

[EthanH]

sheesh, Theunthoughtknown, I really feel for you after reading that post...it is scary as hell. I'm scared. Not sure what your situation is, but with me, I know exactly why I'm finding it so hard to move on, because deep down, I know she still likes me. Everyone on here will think I'm in denial. But for the past 2 months she contacted me every night after being so certain since we split in Feb that she was right. Between Feb and May she claimed she bitterly hated that I hadn't moved on, she hated the fact that I was still convinced she liked me, and yet for the past 2 months, she proved me right, and yet still blames me for that.

 

One thing I would say is, from your situation, in a way it is good that you avoid walking past her house, avoiding the potential of bumping into her etc, but the fact you have to so drastically change your plans just to avoid her shows part of the problem. You need to get to the stage where you can walk past her house and not care. I know that is easier said than done, but in a way, you are continuing to keep her in your mind by changing your plans to avoid her. It's a long term thing, but there are ex's I avoided for literally years, who i didn't go to certain clubs to avoid, who i genuinely don't care if they are sitting on a table in a bar next to me or walk past me in the street, and these aren't insignificant ex's a girl who i dated for 4 years, we don't talk, we aren't friends, but if she walked past me in the street, i would clock it was her, but it doesn't bother me any more than any other person walking past me does.

[Beeotch]

Since coming onto this site I've seen so many people in a situation similar to me, and what scares me is that while I'm only 4 months into my break up and struggling badly, some people have been going as much as a year, and STILL can't get over their exs.

 

This kind of thing can come to define you, because you spend so much of your time thinking about, working your life around it (for instance, I've pretty much avoided going to all the places my ex does, and I've added an extra half hour to my route home from college so I can avoid going past her house) and it STILL doesn't heal. Are we supposed to spend our whole lives pining for those we love who've left us? What is it that we're looking for? I feel like I need answers as to why I'm now single, why the girl I'm madly in love with hurt me like that. And I'll never get those answers, now. It hurts every goddamn day, more and more. NC just doesn't work. But there needs to be another solution...

 

 

Those who spend their whole lives pining after a lost love....will never find it, because what needs to be done is to find yourself and your happiness, love and completion within you.

 

Once you do that....then you won't be searching for your ex or anyone else for that matter to love you, heal you, validate you, care for you etc.

 

It is very freeing!

[Beeotch]

I was in my relationship for six years. It'll be three months since he broke up with me on August 13th. It'll be six weeks of NC tomorrow, I think. I loved him more than I can tell you, but I'm 90-something percent over him.

 

I guess what sets me apart from some people is the fact that deep down I value myself above my ex. I tried to get him back, and did in fact successfully get him back several times in the past, but when he finally made it clear that it was over and that he didn't want to be alone, but didn't want me, my long-buried pride and self-esteem came rising to the surface and stopped me from replying to him ever again.

 

I'm a fighter and a survivor. It's how I was raised, and I think it's an inherent part of my personality. I was in so much pain I can't even express it. But I refused to STAY in that pain. Let one single human being ruin my life?? F*ck no! My mother didn't hold me in her arms as a baby, look down at me, and say, "I hope some as*hole comes along and forever takes away your happiness."

 

If my mom can love me that much, I can love myself that much, right? And I do love myself that much. My mom wanted to murder him when she saw how much pain I was in. Now THAT is love.

 

I immediately took a good, long look at myself, moved myself rightfully to the center spot of my universe, knocking the ex completely OUT of the universe, and started setting goals.

 

I have dreams, I have ambitions. Those are what I focus on now. I have fun with friends. I am trying to achieve my full potential within my own life. I cannot control what anyone else does, but I CAN control how much of an effect others have on me, and I sure as hell can control what I do with my life.

 

It's a powerful feeling, knowing that you have control over yourself. Is that to say I never have pain or down moments or times when I think about him? Nope. I have them every time I PMS, actually. And every time I tell myself, "It'll pass. Now get back to what you were doing."

 

And it does pass. And each time gets easier and shorter in duration. I endure the pain, I keep doing what I should be doing, and I pat myself on the back for every positive action I take, or every week I don't contact him.

 

I'm not the least bit tempted to contact him ever again. WHY would I want someone who doesn't want me?? That isn't love! I deserve to be loved, and the people who love me, or at least like me, are the only ones I really let into my life nowadays. I don't let people talk down to me, I don't let people abuse me. I am a very pleasant person, but I'm no longer a doormat. And people have noticed the change and changed how they treat me accordingly.

 

The only reason I still post here is to help others out and just to read what others are going through. I think that most people who can get past a breakup in a healthy manner move past this place eventually. So don't feel that EVERYONE struggles seemingly forever with a broken heart. You need to know that you do have control over how you feel, how you act, who you are.

 

And I can't recommend therapy enough, even though it was me who really did all the hard work.

 

If you don't love yourself enough, you're going to have a really, REALLY hard time moving past this. You have to reach deep down and find that love. Find that self respect. Find that feeling of pride in yourself to not settle or beg.

It isn't easy, and it doesn't happen in a linear way, and it doesn't happen overnight. But it does happen if you're willing to endure the pain and put forth the work required to make it happen.

ETA: I forgot to answer your question! You're looking for yourself.

 

 

OMG...you pretty much elaborated on what I was thinking. Beautifully put!

 

Looking for happiness within your ex, another relationship etc. is like going across the ends of the earth to find an object that was in your own house.

[LovelyDaze]

The only reason I still post here is to help others out and just to read what others are going through.

 

No need to explain for most of us, Treasa. I also came back to LS to share what I've learned with others starting at Day One ALSO to see how far I've come from when I cam on literally suicidal over my ex back in October. LS is literally the best place I have found for tough love, great advice, and heartfelt camaraderie!

 

To unthoughtknown: Beeotch is correct. We are always looking for the love we should always find in ourselves first. It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to learn yet the most rewarding.

Edited August 6, 2010 by LovelyDaze

[EthanH]

We are always looking for the love we should always find in ourselves first. It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to learn yet the most rewarding.

 

um, i don't understand, please explain this to me. I get the whole, 'love yourself' and the idea that you shouldn't be reliant on someone to be happy, but to me you can only fully say that when you are either single or happy in a relationship...you would have to be some kind of robot to be to never be reliant on anyone else for happiness. I don't mean specifics, such as dating someone or anything like that, i just mean, the feeling of missing someone. Not sure I'm making sense here at all... so i will just repeat my original question, any chance you could explain your comment? I don't have any doubt about myself, i still think i'm confident, think i'm reasonably attractive to girls, every time i go out a get hit on and i would say there are a number of girls who i think are hot who have made it pretty clear they would like to date...ok i have to also say here, i'm not an arrogant t*at...but i don't want to... i just want her, and that is the problem, i can be happy sometimes, i won't fall down dead without her, and i know i could meet someone else, I just don't want to. I'm happy on my own as well, i'm not needy for a relationship. I just miss her. Rah, this is so annoying!

[LovelyDaze]

you would have to be some kind of robot to be to never be reliant on anyone else for happiness.

 

I'll be happy to explain myself. As you have recognized, you cannot rely on another person for your happiness. That is just fact. Any S.O. should be an addition to your life, not the be all and end all of your universe. As we all on LS have learned, ANYONE can walk out of our life at ANYTIME. Nothing is promised to us forever. Not people,places or things.

 

Actually, I stand corrected. You have YOURSELF from the day you are born until you take your last breath. That's who you need to make happy first. Now, of course, I understand not being able to feel that inner joy when you are missing someone that was a special part of your life but what you have to decide is, are you going to let that person(who is NO LONGER) in your life affect your peace for always? You're definitely not going to be happy holding on to someone who has slipped away...especially if they did on purpose.

 

No, you are not a robot if you walk through life not being reliant on someone else. What it does mean is that you care enough about yourself that you want to find joy in things you CAN control because you sure as hell can't control other people no matter how much "in love" you think you may be.

 

Another note, you can't possibly be good to someone else if you feel your life is empty without a love interest. That is placing a huge responsibility on someone else. A relationship should not be 50/50 but 100/100. Each partner NEEDS to come into it already content with the way life is alone. Having a partner should be the cherry on top of it all.

[maria gostrey]

i think it is sad that people seem to underestimate the trauma that comes with a broken heart. it isn't a joke that someone you shared some of your most intimate moments with trampled on your heart and ripped you out of their life. it is even worse than dealing with a death because at least when someone you love dies, most likely he/she didn't mean to leave you. When you get dumped that someone willing chooses to not be a part of your life anymore.

 

what i'm trying to say is, getting dumped hurts and is so so devastating. and rightly so. whoever tells you to minimize the situation or the pain is a ****ing moron. what can be done to stop the hurting? i don't know. i'm trying to figure out that myself. but it is stories like this that need to be a cautionary tale and should make people begin to realize the gravity of breaking hearts. maybe relationships and love should be more than mere lip service done upon an oxytocin induced whim. maybe people should be more responsible with the loaned hearts they hold in their hands.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

um, i don't understand, please explain this to me. I get the whole, 'love yourself' and the idea that you shouldn't be reliant on someone to be happy, but to me you can only fully say that when you are either single or happy in a relationship...you would have to be some kind of robot to be to never be reliant on anyone else for happiness. I don't mean specifics, such as dating someone or anything like that, i just mean, the feeling of missing someone. Not sure I'm making sense here at all... so i will just repeat my original question, any chance you could explain your comment? I don't have any doubt about myself, i still think i'm confident, think i'm reasonably attractive to girls, every time i go out a get hit on and i would say there are a number of girls who i think are hot who have made it pretty clear they would like to date...ok i have to also say here, i'm not an arrogant t*at...but i don't want to... i just want her, and that is the problem, i can be happy sometimes, i won't fall down dead without her, and i know i could meet someone else, I just don't want to. I'm happy on my own as well, i'm not needy for a relationship. I just miss her. Rah, this is so annoying!

 

I'm with Ethan on this one. Not that I don't understand what Treasa and Beotch have said, I do get it. I just don't think I'm in that position, sort of. I don't lack confidence in myself. I think I'm a good looking guy, and if I tried hard enough I could easily find a new girl. I just don't want one. That's the problem. I want that inner peace, that acceptance that I can find someone else out there I connect with as much. I just don't like dating. In fact, I hate it. I hate meeting new girls, it bothers me so much. I don't want anyone else but this girl, not coz I think she made me who I am, not at all. I have a ****ing career, a path in life, many great friends whose company I enjoy on many social occasions, a family I love and a life I don't regret. But I cannot stop thinking about a girl who doesn't deserve the love I give her. She does not deserve how much of myself I give to her. And I feel like I despise her, yet I get annoyed at how well we clicked and I don't want to go through the whole getting-to-know-you process with anyone else! Especially since I was in love with this girl for 3 years before we got together!! That and the fact I loved her family and we all got on so well. I mean, how ****ing often am I likely to find that???