KikiW Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I don't want to bore everyone to tears with minutae, but I am so tired of the majority of my friends. In the wake of my divorce and subsequent new relationship, I have discovered that friends act extremely peculiar to the point where I just don't want to be around them. A few from the old "inner circle" turned on my ex's new flame. In the beginning I kept my mouth shut - she is a nice person and she is good to my daughter, I have no real reason to badmouth her. However, she is different from our old circle of friends in ways that seem to rub them the wrong way. After a while, I turned away completely from the gossip and essentially shut out those people... I couldn't take the negativity anymore. I am certain there are similar feelings towards MY SO, though I haven't heard about them directly. He is from a different area of the country, and was raised differently. Unlike many of the guys in our circle (who tend to be "sensitive ponytail-guys"), he is a typical guy - likes football and explosive action movies, hates chick flicks, can fix things. I have no doubt some of his behavior does not endear him to my overly-feminist friends (opens doors for women, uses "sir" and "ma'am"), and might make some of the guys feel threatened. We have tried to interact socially with the remaining friends that aren't being complete jerks, but at this point I am just tired of it. I am tired of getting excuses for not being able to get together and not getting a reciprocated invitation. I am tired of trying to get my friends to get to KNOW my SO, instead of just getting the surface. Right now I am dealing with a friend who was witness to a social faux pas my SO made. He is horribly embarrassed by it, and has apologized to the other person who was there, but she will not even give him the opportunity to apologize. I have apologized on his behalf, and the third party has even spoken to her about it. Basically I got the impression that we just have to wait for her to be ready to be apologized to. This faux pas happened over a MONTH ago. The sad thing is, most of these people I have known for 15+ years. Some going back 25 year to grade school. Do I need to just accept that these people are no longer really my friends but are now ex-friends, or at best, acquaintences? Do people go through life moving from friend to friend, letting the old ones go on their way?
Taramere Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Do I need to just accept that these people are no longer really my friends but are now ex-friends, or at best, acquaintences? Do people go through life moving from friend to friend, letting the old ones go on their way? I don't think it has to be like that. Even good friendships can run into conflict now and again, or go through periods where a bit of distance sets in. Unless there's been some serious betrayal, or you've discovered that someone you regarded as a friend has toxic feelings about you, often it's best just to let the friendship cool off for a while - and try not to let it bother you too much. Least said, soonest mended etc. Your friends might just be having trouble adjusting to change, but you're entitled to happiness in your new relationship. If they can't accept that, and put in a bit of effort on your behalf then yeah, distance yourself for a while by all means, but you don't necessarily need to think in terms of "these friendships are over forever."
vintagecat Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 It would appear that the last line of your post is true with all but the very rare friend but I think that often enough people find it easier to cut and run faster than they ought with decent people that just are having a rough patch. Communication, acceptance and patience are hard, starting over often seems easier and the only option when the wheels start coming off. Having said that, starting over may be a necessary step when something just can't be worked out. It seems like you are ready to move on, not finding the understanding and companionship that you desire for both yourself and your SO. Of course finding new friends especially friends that mesh with you as a couple might be a difficulty and it's always difficult for everyone after a divorce. The entire social network has to adjust to the new reality, each with varying degrees of grace and success depending upon their understanding or interpretation of the situation as well as their own internal biases. As for the faux pas, was it so bad that this person could reasonably be injured emotionally or did your SO simply do something like accidentally break a good china platter or drive over a flower bed or some other inadvertent clumsy thing that should be gotten over as soon as apologies and reparations are made or attempted? Speaking to the friends that you might want to hang onto is the only option, perhaps invite people singly rather than as a group so your SO has a chance to shine. Good luck to you.
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