Chiklet Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Hi everyone. im new to the forum and was desparatley seeking some advice. to cut a long story short.... basically i met this british born pakistani guy 2 yrs ago (he wasnt married then) and we were instantly attracted to each other... but i decided to take things really slow cos i didnt want to hurry into a relationship... plus i was enjoyng the spark we had at just the flirting level. since then our friendship developed loads.. we started speaking everyday for hours! still both of us didnt really admit we were together. even though neither of us had been out with other ppl since we met etc...but then in feb he got married to his cousin from pakistan. it totally broke my heart. his parents are very traditional. and i know he was forced into it. he didnt even knw who she was but he gave in to family pressure.he was callin me the whole 2 weeks he was there and he says he never slept with his wife (even called me on their wedding night for 2 hrs). i do believ him. but now the things have changed. I was offered a job closer to wer he lives and i took it without a moment of thought and now we are seeing each other in person alot and my feelings are only growing stronger for him. Im convinced he is the one and i want to marry him. he says he feels the same. his wifes visa got declined and i feel great. but im soo scared about my future. his parents are so strict. i dont want him to lose out on his parents blessings. we dont argue much at all and if it is.. its always about his forced marriage. I know i hurt him loads when i tell him he betrayed me. but i feel so hurt... i want us to be together... but i cant ask him 2 leave his family!
skywriter Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Chiklet, I'm sorry you're going through this, but deep down you surely realise this guy will never go against his family. The fact that he went through with the wedding indicates that he feels obligated to do as his culture and family expects him to do. He cares deeply for you and hopes to keep you on the side as his culture probably doesn't look upon females as equals, so it's not such a bad thing to have women on the side. If you stick around you'll have to consider that he'll start a family with this woman. Don't put yourself through that. It might be better to end it without creating alot of negative feelings towards him. The longer you stay in it the more resentment will build up. Best of luck to you.
TaraMaiden Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Hi everyone. im new to the forum and was desparatley seeking some advice. to cut a long story short.... basically i met this british born pakistani guy 2 yrs ago (he wasnt married then) and we were instantly attracted to each other... but i decided to take things really slow cos i didnt want to hurry into a relationship... plus i was enjoyng the spark we had at just the flirting level. since then our friendship developed loads.. we started speaking everyday for hours! still both of us didnt really admit we were together. even though neither of us had been out with other ppl since we met etc...but then in feb he got married to his cousin from pakistan. it totally broke my heart. his parents are very traditional. and i know he was forced into it. he didnt even knw who she was but he gave in to family pressure.he was callin me the whole 2 weeks he was there and he says he never slept with his wife (even called me on their wedding night for 2 hrs). i do believ him. but now the things have changed. I was offered a job closer to wer he lives and i took it without a moment of thought and now we are seeing each other in person alot and my feelings are only growing stronger for him. Im convinced he is the one and i want to marry him. he says he feels the same. his wifes visa got declined and i feel great. but im soo scared about my future. his parents are so strict. i dont want him to lose out on his parents blessings. we dont argue much at all and if it is.. its always about his forced marriage. I know i hurt him loads when i tell him he betrayed me. but i feel so hurt... i want us to be together... but i cant ask him 2 leave his family! Chicklet, you are playing with fire. Not only because this guy is married, but there's a whole cultural minefield you're dangerously tip-toeing through.... He's married to his cousin. Have you any idea at all what this would tdo to his family's standing, if your affair came to light? This is a traditional Pakistani Muslim family. Honour, tradition and arranged marriages are commonplace, and for you to be seeing this guy, is really really dangerous. His family could get extremely vindictive with you. You are not from their culture, and you are a Western white temptress who tempting their son to go against his sacred family tradition and marriage vows. They will view you as an evil influence, and they will be more than furious with you.... He's probably been promised to his cousin for years. And what's more, he has probably known for years that he was destined to marry her. Please understand, this is completely true. You might protest his innocence, and claim he didn't know - but trust me - these things do not, and cannot happen over night. He knew, and has known for a long time, that this was going to happen. For your own sake, your own safety and the honour of everything you hold dear - including him - you must end this now. If - by some remote and extremely slim chance - it did end up with you marrying him - you would have to convert to Islam and be a Muslim wife. This will, however, probably be completely unacceptable to his family. You cannot pursue this to a happy conclusion. You really do need to call a halt, immediately, and end this, before someone gets hurt. I've seen it happen. Truly, you do not want to expose yourself to this possibility.
ladygaga Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Yup, I personally know an Indian girl, went out with a married Indian guy (forced marriage of course). They went out for 3 years! In the beginning, she said it was all fun and games, then things got serious. It ended bad. She ended up calling his wife just to hear her voice, etc.. and in the end she ended up in the hospital.. not sure why, maybe suicidal or something. Anyways, that was the last straw that made her end the relationship with him. Fast forward 4 years, she just got married last week to a decent guy and is really happy. Don't waste 3 years of your life like she did! They won't leave because his wife will be stigmatized as a divorced woman in the culture.. not good. I never thought I would go out with a married guy as well. Stop yourself before it is too late. All the chemistry and stuff can be found elsewhere too.
denise_xo Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Listen, you WILL get over him and move on - it just doesn't feel that way now. As TM has said, his family may never have accepted you in the first place, even if he hadn't married his cousin. In either case, it is clear from his choice that he wasn't ready to take on that battle. The chances of divorce in this case are extremely slim, so your only possible option might be becoming the second wife (IF his family accepts you, and IF the family accepts two wives for him, which would in any case not give you official status as married in the UK). My guess is you wouldn't be quite happy with that option...
Mimolicious Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Culture, religion and family... Those are very strong opponents. I don't see how this will work without being disowned. He may love you and all, perhaps is willing to leave it all for you but many years from now he may resent you for losing his family.
jthorne Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 (edited) In Pakistan, adultery is considered a crime, punishable by imprisonment or death by stoning. I'm not kidding. Do you know what stoning is? Take a look: In stoning to death, the victims's hands are tied behind their backs and their bodies are put in a cloth sack. Then, this human "package" is buried in a hole, with only the victims heads showing above the ground. If its a woman, she is buried upto her shoulders. This is to give her an seemingly equal (but nonetheless impossible) chance to escape recognizing her lesser physical strength. After the hapless individual has been secured in the hole, people start chanting "Allah hu Akbar" (meaning, God is great), and throw palm sized stones at the head of the victim from a certain distance (a circle is drawn). The stones are thrown until the person dies or until he/she escapes out of the hole and crosses the circle. Escaping is impossible, given that the individual's hands are tied behind their backs and they are buried in a hole upto their necks or shoulders (in the case of males and females respectively). Naturally, the procedure is extremely barbaric and bloody. Edited August 5, 2010 by jthorne
norajane Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 i want to marry him Well, you can't. He's already married, and not getting a divorce any time this century. So let your fantasy go and free yourself to find a man you really can fall in love with and marry and start a family with. Stop wasting your life on a man who has a whole other life going on that will never include you.
piscis Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 I am sorry you are going through this. Please go NC as soon as you can. This realtionship will only make you very very sad because religion and family and traditions are very strong emotional issues. If he loved you so much and traditions were not that important for him he would not have married. But it is not, it is part of his culture and a part of who he is. If you love him so much please realease him for the pain of having to remained married and go NC for the three here involved. Best of luck
torranceshipman Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Well, you can't. He's already married, and not getting a divorce any time this century. So let your fantasy go and free yourself to find a man you really can fall in love with and marry and start a family with. Stop wasting your life on a man who has a whole other life going on that will never include you. This is brilliant advice - listen to it. Fate dealt you a certain hand for a reason, and it means the right guy is still out there you just havent met him yet (I believe the wise Michael Buble may have written a song to this effect . You will get over him in time, but I think you need to really try hard to move on. I have no doubt that the guy loves you but (without sounding like a cliche) - love is really not enough here - you need so many other factors for this scenario to work, none of which are present. Big hugs to you.
U2RockZz Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 In Pakistan, adultery is considered a crime, punishable by imprisonment or death by stoning. I'm not kidding. Do you know what stoning is? Take a look: In stoning to death, the victims's hands are tied behind their backs and their bodies are put in a cloth sack. Then, this human "package" is buried in a hole, with only the victims heads showing above the ground. If its a woman, she is buried upto her shoulders. This is to give her an seemingly equal (but nonetheless impossible) chance to escape recognizing her lesser physical strength. After the hapless individual has been secured in the hole, people start chanting "Allah hu Akbar" (meaning, God is great), and throw palm sized stones at the head of the victim from a certain distance (a circle is drawn). The stones are thrown until the person dies or until he/she escapes out of the hole and crosses the circle. Escaping is impossible, given that the individual's hands are tied behind their backs and they are buried in a hole upto their necks or shoulders (in the case of males and females respectively). Naturally, the procedure is extremely barbaric and bloody. though it is birth right to hate Pakistanis.....there is no such word called adultery when it is associated with men.....every Muslim man should have a family size of cricket team and 3 or 4 wifes will never hurt them...it's generally accepted norm in there......however whatever you stated is true in case of Afghanistan , Taliban and Pakistani women .... OP,i would suggest you to watch a movie called "Khuda Kay Liye(in the name of the god)"......if you want to know about their culture
Ellin Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 though it is birth right to hate Pakistanis.....there is no such word called adultery when it is associated with men.....every Muslim man should have a family size of cricket team and 3 or 4 wifes will never hurt them...it's generally accepted norm in there......however whatever you stated is true in case of Afghanistan , Taliban and Pakistani women .... OP,i would suggest you to watch a movie called "Khuda Kay Liye(in the name of the god)"......if you want to know about their culture Wrong. A Muslim man is allowed to have up to 4 wives at a time, but the wives have to be married to him in a certain way and there are different conditions for this to happen. Any sexual R outside of M is adultery and also applies to men, although they can expect to be treated less harshly than females in general. There have been, however, cases of men being stoned to death for adultery in the Middle East not too long ago. Apart from that Pakistanis have a very strong culture and traditions and it is highly unlikely that a young man would be allowed by his family and community to D the wife that has been chosen for him by his relatives and M a Western woman. It is next to unthinkable. And yes, it is dangerous to carry on this A, since the Pakistnis are very sensitive to their idea of "honor" and this is where the term "honor killing" comes from. Chiklet, I really feel for you and I can imagine how hard it is for you. I was in a similar situation once. But this seems to be one of these situations where you will have to accept that fact that what you want so much will not happen. I promise you will be ok one day, not very long from now. You might even count yourself lucky then, knowing you have avoided a whole load of serious problems. Because even if you could be together, it is very likely you wouldn't be happy. Just read stories of women who ended up with Muslim men. Every single one of them thought her man was "different", but it always ended in a similar way. I wish you all the best.
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