Trust Issues.

[Sudohnim]

Hi - short question. My partner has issues with trusting me. I've never given him any reason not to trust me - his problem with it is down to the behaviour of his ex-wife and how she cheated on him (emails, working late etc). How do I assure him without upsetting him that I have no reason to even think about other blokes...?

 

He does things like sits next to me when I'm writing emails, checking what and who I'm writing to - sitting on my shoulder when I'm working at home or writing emails really gets on my nerves a lot and I've told him this.

 

He gets frosty and upset when the guy who shares my office texts me in a morning to check who needs to buy the milk for the tea at work on the way in. This is totally crazy because the guy I share my office with not only is married with three kids but is also a still-in-the-closet gay bloke (really don't ask).

 

He also insists on taking me into and picking me up from work every single day and baulks when I mention anything about getting the train or working late.

 

Just a couple of examples there. But basically he demands all of my time and attention is on him and if it isn't he gets antsy and worried and under-confident in himself.

 

Now, I know its easy to jump to conclusions and assume I must give him reason to be suspicious but... I don't. I actually think the sun shines out of his backside and am constantly telling him so. It's just upsetting to be treated with suspicion for something which you know isn't happening. I'm angry with his ex-wife for what she did with him... and it's been three years since they split (a year or so now since we got together).

 

Any ideas how I can build his confidence in things and help him understand that I love him and care for him and won't hurt him (have told him this until I'm blue in the face like). Talking helps - but doesn't seem to stop it happening. This morning I did actually tell him it's making me feel under-confident now that he doesn't trust me. I did say this to him very early on and he said it would resolve with time... but it doesn't seem to be doing so.

 

Any ideas... how to deal with the aftermath in a new relationship of infidelity on the partner who was betrayed..?!

[Maladjusted]

I really don't think there is anything you can personally do to help him. He has to help himself get over his trust issues.

 

Were I in your shoes, I would be extremely angry. His trust issues stem from the betrayal of his ex wife, not you.

 

He obviously isn't over what happened to him with his ex wife. While I can't blame him for that, I can blame him for not getting himself straightened out before he got into another relationship.

 

You need to speak with him and suggest counseling to help get over his trust issues.

[Undine]

Well, I haven't been cheated on in a serious relationship, but I do have some trust issues with my husband due to catching him in (what I think is a) fairly big lie about something else. And I snooped through his email, once, and felt bad about it and told him. I have struggled with the urge to snoop a few more times since then but I told him about that and made him read marriage-self-help books with me . I would never go to the lengths your husband is, he's treating you like a troublesome teenager or a prisoner, and YOU are not even the one who has given him cause for suspicion! He is being ruled by his insecurity and creating a really bad situation for your marriage, it's not healthy. Still, I can empathize with the insecurity. He doesn't need anger and rebellion, he needs help. I agree you two should look into counseling. He needs to confront his demons and learn to communicate with you without being so controling.

[Sudohnim]

Thanks guys. Sorry I didn't have a chance to check back.

 

When my OH came home on Thursday night, we talked about how difficult it is to move on from previous hurt. I asked him to talk about how he'd felt way back and what he thought was going to happen with us. Basically we went through the idea of what might happen and why. He's afraid that I will get bored and seek emotional input elsewhere (that's how it started with his ex and her EA/PA). So he tries to 'keep an eye on' my interactions so that he can head off at the pass any issues and 'be there' for me. This was exactly what I needed.

 

I showed him the emails I was sending the other night to my friend (girlfriend who split with her partner) and I explained that he shouldn't need to watch over me and to let me come to him with stuff. I also explained that he's my whole world and if I'm not talking to him, I'm not talking at all.... but I *am* processing stuff. I also made it very clear that I have had the opportunity to have 'close friends' and turned them away (enforced boundaries like NOT going for coffee etc etc) because I know where that leads and also HE is my emotional support and my rock.

 

He seemed a lot happier than he has previously when we have had these conversations. So, we will see... we may not see a change in him for some time I guess. He explained that he's trying, but he's still a little unsure and worried at times. I guess that is kinda sweet in that he's not complacent (and neither am I). So I feel like we turned a corner really

[WalkInThePark]

I would be very careful if I were you. Are you sure that his wife did not start cheating on him because he was smothering her? Not that cheating is ever a constructive solution but in most situations there are 2 sides to a story.

 

In any case, the cheating he suffered from does not give him a reason to be so controlling. So make sure you don't let him overstep your boundaries using his past experiences as an excuse.

[Enchanted Girl]

I'm glad things are possibly getting better.

 

He's trying to deal with his hurt by trying to control you. That's why he watches over you and what you do, so he can control and stop you from doing anything bad.

 

What you need to explain to him is that he can't control you no matter what he does. You stay in this relationship and faithful to him because you want to. Him watching over you like this wouldn't stop you from cheating on him or leaving him. You're your own person and make your own decisions and you choose to be with him. Even if he monitored you really closely, anyone can find a way to cheat if they really want to.

 

Trying to control someone else doesn't work and he needs to realize that.

 

I caught my boyfriend in some big lies before about something and I went through a short period of wanting to be like this, but it made me feel awful to snoop like that (it's freeing not to) and also I realized that I can't control him. No one can control anybody else. They're going to do what they're going to do.

[Sudohnim]

Walkinthepark - Obviously, I only have what to go on what he's told me about their past relationship, but from what I can gather, no he didn't smother her. It was quite the opposite (he says). They both worked full-time but her job kept her away from the family home from early morning to late evening. So he did all the taking children to school and picking them up, cooking dinner etc as well as trying to be a good H. I think if anything he probably got rather too complacent and she got bored (she's admitted this to him since and said how stupid she was). So I think that experience has completely thrown him the other way now... he's trying to control everything so it doesn't all go pear shaped... which is where Enchanted Girl's good advice comes in. We've talked quite a bit over it the last few days and I'm really glad we have because he does seem to understand what he's doing now and he's asked me to help him with his confidence in this. He seems to think that with time, his confidence should increase more and he should be able to work it out. I have also explained to him what Enchanted Girl has said, I choose to be by his side. I don't need to be or have to be, I'm there because he makes my life more meaningful and he makes me happy. It's amazing how when you try to explain how much you love someone, it's not until you really spell it out and unpick it for them, they realise exactly what it means. His response was that he feels like the luckiest guy alive and he's so happy.

 

Like I said guys, I think things are on track. I'm just glad I picked it up with him and didn't leave it.

[Thierro]

This reminds me of my past relationship. She dealt with my insecurities the way you did. But I didn’t check up on her, I gave her all the privacy she needed and so on. I needed validation by asking her if she still loves me enough, if she still finds me attractive enough, if other guys didn’t attract her. Her validation became a drug and comfort to me; because of that I needed it more and more to re-assure myself.

 

I knew I was pushing her away. I trusted her, but I was afraid I wasn’t perfect enough, that I didn’t treat her the best I could, that I would lose her to another man. I strongly believed in the scientific reason behind love and certain rules you need to obey for it to work. I used this knowledge as a mask; I became good with women. But meeting my ex changed this. I let the whole knowledge go and thus I became afraid of men that posses that mask I was putting on naturally. I was afraid that love wasn’t real and that I would lose her because of what I had learned and deleted from my system.

 

Even though you are very sweet, this isn’t going to change your man. He has a lot of introspection to do. He needs to alter his self-worth and self-love. The only one who is going to save him is himself. There is no other way.

 

I believe that this is going to turn out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe that your man is going to lose everything he has with you because of what he is thinking. I believe that your subconscious is going to feel different and that your attraction for him will fade in time.

 

This is going to be a bumpy ride. I lost my girlfriend because of the self-fulfilling prophecy. And even though we both knew I was trying to change it, her feelings changed. It has been the biggest mistake of my life.

 

He needs to love himself, he needs to believe that he is the best guy in this world. The break-up for me destroyed me but was also an epiphany, something that needed to happen. I didn’t love myself and without that a relationship can’t survive. Maybe some time apart would be a good advice for you guys.

 

p.s:

 

His core hasn’t changed, nothing has really changed. Things can be on track for a while; so it seems, but it will come back.

Edited August 8, 2010 by Thierro

[You Go Girl]

Get him to see a counselor for a few months to go over this issue. It's a simple one really. Not too difficult to overcome.

He needs to get to that point where he can not even know where you are, or why you are late, and feel that he is not chicken little, and that the sky is not falling.