maria gostrey Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 if someone breaks up with you by disappearing on you, is it worth it to try to contact him/her in order to resolve the lingering confusion that occurs after? i didn't know i was broken up with until i saw my ex announce his new relationship with his new gf on facebook. as you can imagine i have tons of questions. i want to know what happened but the question is, is it worth it to contact him again just so he can really break up with me?
TaraMaiden Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 n a word - No. If he was a scum enough to break up with you this way, you really think any words coming from him will be honest, respectable and sympathetic? Forget it. If you really wanted to wreak some kind of revenge, you could post about what he did to you, on FB. But I wouldn't recommend it. Acts or revenge frequently backfire, and in the long run, in time, will haunt you, and you'll regret it.#The best form of revenge is to get on with your life, be happy and show him that he might have ended it, but your wonderful life is just beginning. A flake like this? He did you a favour.
Treasa Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Not unless you're really into pain. If I were you, I'd throw a damn party to celebrate not having someone with so little class in my life anymore. Gee, what a Prince Charming. Can't even break up with you respectfully. It's over. There's nothing to be confused about. The guy is an ass. End of story. Nothing he could say in answer to your questions would make you feel better. What is it that you want to hear, and why?
Author maria gostrey Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 Not unless you're really into pain. If I were you, I'd throw a damn party to celebrate not having someone with so little class in my life anymore. Gee, what a Prince Charming. Can't even break up with you respectfully. It's over. There's nothing to be confused about. The guy is an ass. End of story. Nothing he could say in answer to your questions would make you feel better. What is it that you want to hear, and why? i just thought we had a really great thing going (4 years). and he was the one being so serious, suggesting we move in together and hinting at the future. i'm just so shocked at what the hell happened between the four months during which he disappeared and the new gf he announced on fb a month ago. i want to know why her?! and what did i do, if anything, to turn him away like this.
Treasa Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I was with my ex for six years. He broke up with me six times, every single time without warning and after being cuddly/sweet with me immediately prior to the breakup. Anything he says will only hurt or confuse you more. Just chalk it up to things not working out, and him being a callous ass. Only you know if there's anything within you that needs to be changed. Apart from that, I'd say he's just a flake, and you dodged a bullet.
TaraMaiden Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 i want to know why her?! Why NOT her? Why anyone? The answer is, because he wanted to. and what did i do, if anything, to turn him away like this. Who says you had to do anything? The fact that he's capable of just upping and leaving without saying anything, just goes to show what little reason he needed. he's a jerk. Pity her.... she may end up as his next 'why me?'
Chinook Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Uhm FOUR years and a guy disappears for months and no rhyme or reason or anything...? Am I missing a bit of what happened here...? I mean did he go away to work or something...? Was it a LDR...? He just upped and left one day and next thing he's posting he has a new gf on Facebook...? That's well weird. You're best off without him if that's the case.
EthanH Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 i'm confused... you were with him for 4 years, you don't hear from him for 4 months and you didn't contact him? You must have known something was massively wrong before his frankly disgraceful behaviour on fb. You must have had an argument before he left? no? I just don't get why you didn't contact him. If you had an argument, he could have thought that you were avoiding him just as much as he was avoiding you. Maybe by his logic it made sense as you even admit that he was the more serious one. Sounds like your ability to communicate was next to nothing. As the others have said, to me if it was 4 years, that is a long time, if he likes you, leave it up to him to contact you.
Author maria gostrey Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 Uhm FOUR years and a guy disappears for months and no rhyme or reason or anything...? Am I missing a bit of what happened here...? I mean did he go away to work or something...? Was it a LDR...? He just upped and left one day and next thing he's posting he has a new gf on Facebook...? That's well weird. You're best off without him if that's the case. it was a 4 years ldr. and yes, he disappears just like that. for 4 months. i at first was really worried that something had happened to him since he ceased all facebook activity too. but then i saw that his friends kept posting on his wall and i realized he was just avoiding me. i wrote on his wall, texted him, im-ed him and called him. he didn't respond to anything. i then accidentally came across pictures of him his new gf had put up and realized that he had found someone else. one month agohe came back online and made his relationship with her facebook official- something he never did when he was with me. now he is back in the cyber world but is still pretty much ignoring me. he sent a short message to all my messages to him from 4 months ago. he simply said that his disappearance had something to do with our last conversations . ( before his big disappearance i was badgering him about the future of our relationship and where we were heading and what his intentions were) and that he hopes i am well and that i should "respond to this as you will". like...wtf am i even supposed to say to that? bottomline being, i still don't have the answers. where did she come up? why did he even pursue her and give up on us?
EthanH Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 ask yourself honestly, is getting answers to those questions really going to make you feel better? The only way, if you still like him that it will make you feel better is if by telling your stuff, you have something to cling onto, so you can somehow persuade him that he should be with you. The truth is, he treated you terribly. Why do you want to be with someone who cannot even just be straight with you and explain that for him, he wants to end it. To me, that is a coward. But more than anything, I think he did what he did because he knew you were still there... sounds like he took you for granted massively, and unfortunately, you were willing to take it... you deserve someone better.
Author maria gostrey Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 i'm confused... you were with him for 4 years, you don't hear from him for 4 months and you didn't contact him? You must have known something was massively wrong before his frankly disgraceful behaviour on fb. You must have had an argument before he left? no? I just don't get why you didn't contact him. If you had an argument, he could have thought that you were avoiding him just as much as he was avoiding you. Maybe by his logic it made sense as you even admit that he was the more serious one. Sounds like your ability to communicate was next to nothing. As the others have said, to me if it was 4 years, that is a long time, if he likes you, leave it up to him to contact you. i did contact him after his disappearance. the thing is, right before his disappearance, i was getting quite irked about the status of our relationship. we met when we were both in hs so we weren't much in a position to do something about our feelings for each other, what with each living 8 hours apart. and then we both went off to college and kept it up, he confessed his feelings to me and i reciprocated. but then...nothing happened. we just stopped moving forward. we were "bf/gf" by all means except that we never made it official. even after all this time he never asked me to be his gf. but when other boys showed interest in me he'd get mad and possessive. he hinted that he "loved" me. i was shocked and told him to be careful throwing around heavy words like that. he said that he didn't really mean love, more like "adore", i went "wtf?". so of course i was really annoyed and one day i hotly told him so. i told him that i threw myself at him as much as i could from being far away but he makes no moves. i told him that i felt neglected and taken for granted and that i frankly deserve better. he lamely said that he agreed and then...nothing. i promptly apologized the next morning and he said everything was okay and i shouldn't worry. and then *poof* cue 4 months of no show. and then he pops up on facebook with a brand new real life gf. *sigh* i just want to know...what happened. from his point of view, that is. why didn't he just TELL me he met someone else? i had specifically told him so in case either of us met someone else in real life. he had promised he would let me know if something was up.and how can he even go from telling me he loved me, acting all posessive/like a bf for FOUR YEARS and then making it official with SOMEONE ELSE. ??!?!!
Author maria gostrey Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 ask yourself honestly, is getting answers to those questions really going to make you feel better? The only way, if you still like him that it will make you feel better is if by telling your stuff, you have something to cling onto, so you can somehow persuade him that he should be with you. The truth is, he treated you terribly. Why do you want to be with someone who cannot even just be straight with you and explain that for him, he wants to end it. To me, that is a coward. But more than anything, I think he did what he did because he knew you were still there... sounds like he took you for granted massively, and unfortunately, you were willing to take it... you deserve someone better. yes, Ethan, he did take me for granted. i waited for him for four years. waited for him to get his act together and be a man and take a positive step towards us. instead he pushed me, and all the love i gave, away for this other girl. i don't even know where /how she popped up from. ugh.
Chinook Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Uhm... no offense intended here but, I think what seems to have happened is that basically you and he have all along had different ideas of what constitutes a relationship. As you have stated the gf/bf status was never actually confirmed. So... it can easily be seen that when you wanted to move things forward and gave out to him about it and told him that you deserve better, he agreed and did you a favour by disappearing. Uhm... it seems to me, from your explanations there, he doesn't really owe you an explanation.
boltsfan17 Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 The only thing I can think of is when you were "badgering" him over the future of your relationship, maybe he got scared and didn't want that, then it pushed him away from you. Regardless, I think that's pretty classless to just disappear like that after a 4 year relationship. You have to think to yourself, do you really want someone in your life that would do that? I wouldn't contact him. Screw him. Delete him from your Facebook. Don't ever look at his. I'm sure it's difficult since you want answers, but if he can't share his feelings with you, don't waste your time with someone like that.
Jilly Bean Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Did you ever meet him in real life? If so, how much time did you spend together over four years? And yeah, if he never called you his GF, it's because you weren't, and you weren't in a relationship.
Author maria gostrey Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 Did you ever meet him in real life? If so, how much time did you spend together over four years? And yeah, if he never called you his GF, it's because you weren't, and you weren't in a relationship. we were in a relationship, a romantic one at that, but it wasn't officially defined. we talked about it a lot. but i always said that i didn't believe in online relationships and so we were waiting to meet up in order to move things along. we spent a lot of time over these last couple of years. first thing waking up to last thing before going to sleep. webcam/im conversations a couple of times a day. exchanging of photographs, texting each other when out and about. everyone who knew thought we were involved anyway. :\
Jilly Bean Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 So, then you never actually met in person? Ever?
Author maria gostrey Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 Uhm... no offense intended here but, I think what seems to have happened is that basically you and he have all along had different ideas of what constitutes a relationship. As you have stated the gf/bf status was never actually confirmed. So... it can easily be seen that when you wanted to move things forward and gave out to him about it and told him that you deserve better, he agreed and did you a favour by disappearing. Uhm... it seems to me, from your explanations there, he doesn't really owe you an explanation. when i said i deserved better, i meant i deserved better behavior from him. i never meant for him to not be a part of my life. i'm incredibly sorry he felt that way, or so it seems looking at his behavior since. i wanted to try to push him so we could move in a way that would make our untraditional 4 year relationship concrete and maybe even official. but now he has an official gf and its not me. i don't even know if it is okay for me to poke him so we can discuss what happened with us on the side. i would never want to mess up whatever it is he has with her, but i feel...unresolved, confused and above all...hurt. i can tell he is so scared to initiate contact with me because he doesn't want to offend his gf. idk what to do...i'm stuck between attempting to weed out answers from him ot keeping my dignity and letting him off the hook, just like that. what do you suggest?
Jilly Bean Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Maria - like Chin said, I think you both had very different impressions of this dynamic. You never met. In four years, you never met in the flesh. He refused to term you his girlfriend. I get the feeling that he considered you a chat buddy, and online friend, whereas you thought it all meant a lot more. I wouldn't contact him, no. All he will say is that you were not in a relationship and were not BF/GF. Do you need to hear that from him? Probably not. I'd try and walk away with some dignity. Perhaps in time he will contact you to say hello, but for now, I'd let it go.
boltsfan17 Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I hate to say this but if you never met the guy in 4 years, I really wouldn't call that much of a relationship. Like someone else said, it seems this was nothing more then an online chat buddy, nothing more. You unfortunately felt otherwise and you two weren't on the same page. You shouldn't contact him. There really is no point too honestly. You need to just move on and take this as a learning experience.
LovelyDaze Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 i'm stuck between attempting to weed out answers from him ot keeping my dignity and letting him off the hook, just like that. what do you suggest? I think collectively everyone suggests for you to keep your dignity and don't contact that jerk*** again. During your online chats/texts/etc did you guys ever discuss or come together to confirm that you were a couple? At least verbally? Sounds like he never considered you as a GF that whole 4 years and I would venture to guess that he was dating a few other girls out in the clear open during that time. Drop him. Don't become a "psycho ex" by calling, IMing, texting him at all. You got your answer through FB. He is with another and confirmed it. You deserve so much more like a guy who will be more than proud to wrap his arms around you in front of the world. Let that jerk go so the right one can take another step to get to you.
Author maria gostrey Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 Maria - like Chin said, I think you both had very different impressions of this dynamic. You never met. In four years, you never met in the flesh. He refused to term you his girlfriend. I get the feeling that he considered you a chat buddy, and online friend, whereas you thought it all meant a lot more. I wouldn't contact him, no. All he will say is that you were not in a relationship and were not BF/GF. Do you need to hear that from him? Probably not. I'd try and walk away with some dignity. Perhaps in time he will contact you to say hello, but for now, I'd let it go. hm i'm not so sure about that. in fact from among the two of us, it was always him who seemed eager to make it into something more. he is the one who first started acting all bf-like and it was i who repeatedly turned down his suggestions of trying to meet up. i wasn't in a place where i could make the commitment he desired. in fact his friends would tease him about me and how i was his "girl" a fact he would adoringly tell me. also, his friend told me about how he waited for me and hence hadn't had made moves on anyone in his real life. i guess he was waiting for me to give him a definite okay before he took steps towards getting serious. the sad thing is, while i had his attention, i fear i took him for granted. i wasn't ready for the commitment he needed and i didn't even return the "i love you"s he threw at me. i know how shy and scared of rejection he is and in retrospect, he threw me hints hoping to get clearer signals about where i stood in regards to him. when i realized how much he meant to me, he disappeared. and now he has found someone else to love. someone who happily fell into his willing and open arms.
HeavenOrHell Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 It's irrational to say you were partners for 4 years when you'd never even met, it takes LDR's to a whole new ridiculous level And in your other thread you said he repeatedly wanted to meet you and you said you pushed him away, so he got the message in the end and gave up on you, so you 'broke up' before you ever met
Eeyore79 Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 i can tell he is so scared to initiate contact with me because he doesn't want to offend his gf. He isn't scared of offending his gf; he just doesn't want to talk to you. It would be inappropriate of him to contact you when he has a gf anyway. What are you really hoping for? Do you think he'll break up with her and come back to you? What business do you have trying to take him away from his new gf, who is totally innocent in all this? The fact is, you never had a real relationship, just an online friendship. You never even met the guy. You really need to let this go and look for someone new - in real life, not on the computer.
Author maria gostrey Posted February 23, 2011 Author Posted February 23, 2011 He isn't scared of offending his gf; he just doesn't want to talk to you. It would be inappropriate of him to contact you when he has a gf anyway. What are you really hoping for? Do you think he'll break up with her and come back to you? What business do you have trying to take him away from his new gf, who is totally innocent in all this? The fact is, you never had a real relationship, just an online friendship. You never even met the guy. You really need to let this go and look for someone new - in real life, not on the computer. update: he did contact me and we did talk it through. he told me he regrets doing what he did and that the only reason he took it up with this other girl is because he believed he didn't have a shot with me because i apparently didn't express serious intentions of being with him. i can understand this given how i unintentionally didn't exactly encourage his attempts to get closer to me. to those who said he didn't consider me his gf and hence it was all in my head; he confessed that ours was a "relationship" in everyway except for not being able to touch each other and that we made it official.he said he missed me and didn't contact me because he knew he hurt me and didn't know how to show face. we had a long long chat and cried our eyes out. both parties had a lot of unresolved feelings and words....he says that he misses me and wants me to be a part of his life...he has a gf so i said i hate it but acknowledge it and wouldn't think of doing anything to ruin his new relationship...we chat occasionally and keep in touch. we both agree its a shame that we never got to see what we would have been like in real life and muse about the prospect of meeting in person one day. i dont know how i feel about where i am with him now...i HATE that he has a new girl...HATE that he calls her his gf...HATE that because they are official she enjoys privileges i never did...it breaks my heart and sometimes all i want to do is curl up and sleep it offf....this march, it will be a whole year since he disappeared and found that new girl...i was better but now i'm a mess again...its hard to understand and accept that it's been a whole entire year and i'm not a part of his life anymore...and he doesn't even care :\
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