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What do I do everyone when an ex comes back 9 yrs later!

Christyxx11

By Christyxx11
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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Christyxx11 New Member

Christyxx11

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I'm happy and just got married two weeks ago, when an ex found me on facebook. To make this long story short. I'm 34 he is 31. We met in high school and I dated him..I was his first. Then I cheated on him a year after we were together, told him then we broke up that was in 94. Then in 2000 I moved backed to California I found him. He wanted to date again, I tried to stay distant because of college and trying to establish myself and of course he was persistent on wanting something again well we got close and this is all in a matter of 9 months mind you. So I was 20 something at the time when this was happening. His mother got ill and the day she passed away, I found out I was pregnant. He supported my decisions on what I thought was best. Well I'm sorry to say I could not keep the pregnancy. He soon was told by his family to move away. I went alone to take care of the situation and then he soon lost contact with me, and then a week before he moved he would not talk to me and that day before he left I went to his friends were he was at and he spoke to me and I begged for him to tell me why he was being so distant and then he walked me to my car and walked away. That was 9 yrs ago. Now suddenly this guy wants to be friends and tells me through texts that he lost me twice as a friend and never wants that to happen again, blah blah blah. HE is married with 3 kids. I'm with someone wonderful going on 6 yrs. I'm confused what the heck does he want? Why me? Why now? I would just like to know do people never let go of the past even as tragic as it was? I don't have feelings for him, but for some reason now I want to ask him all these questions! Were you upset about the pregnancy..etc. I also feel though stepping into the past is only going to bring new pain and I would like to know what is my best way out of this situation. Thank you. I'm sorry for the people that are pro-life, I was young and still no excuse. It was never something I would have done again. I just had nothing. No funds, going to college and really no family. I made a huge mistake. So I hope you to all that are pro-life please know I do have my regrets. Thank

Edited by Christyxx11
mark982 Established Member

mark982

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you just got married 2 weeks ago. best thing you can do in my opion is just ignore the text. block his ways of contacting you. move on,only thing your going to do here is screw up a marriage.

2sure Established Member

2sure

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It was tragic, it happened, you have no feelings for him only unanswered questions.

 

He knows you cheated on him, he purposely distanced himself from you through a difficult time . Years later, a marriage later, three kids later...what do you think he wants? Whats the difference? He has no answers for you that will change anything.

 

If you are still undecided what to do, ask your husband what he thinks.

torranceshipman Established Member

torranceshipman

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I think this could be a Sliding Doors moment! Ignore the add request, or simply send a message that is very clearly polite, referencing how amazing your recent wedding was, how cute his kids look, and wishing his well for the future (or something to that effect) - which you should tell your H about.

 

Any more than that and you might get yourself in a bit of trouble...sounds like you still have a lot of complex feelings for the guy and you don't want to open a Pandora's Box.

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

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You don't need to apologize to anyone for the choice you made when you got pregnant all those yrs ago. You made that decision based on your circumstances and frame-of-mind at the time. Today, you'd probably do it differently but back then it was the right choice for you.

 

As far as talking to your ex, I would leave it alone. Just realize that you were both young and less wise at that time. He could probably tell you why he did what he did, but it's doubtful that it would really make any sense to you, or it would seem so trivial that you'd be disappointed by his answer. That's just the way that stuff usually works. But if you just HAVE to know, then ask him but be aware that you're potentially opening a door you may not want to open. If I were you, I would not respond to him. He's in the past and he isn't someone you need to be friends with. Sometimes we can waste a lot of our time wondering what makes other people tick but, in the end, it's really not relevant in terms of our lives in this moment.

GordonDarkfoot Established Member

GordonDarkfoot

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I'm confused what the heck does he want?

 

 

Sex.

 

 

Why me?

 

 

Why not?

Bryanp Established Member

Bryanp

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Do not respond period. If the roles were reversed would this be what you would want your husband to do? You have just got married and have a wonderful man. Do not allow your married ex to mess this up for you. Do not even think of him or he will destroy your marriage.

lkjh Established Member

lkjh

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I agree with Gordon.

 

Ladies out there please don't get offended by this but OP do not do the typical stupid thing that females do which is think that you can open up communication with this guy, talk about personal feelings from years ago, stay friends, and not cheat. You will at the very least have a EA

 

Tell him you moved on and cut all contact with him. Unless you want to be on here when you are 50 talking about how you failed at this marriage because of stupid contact with a ex

Angel1111 Established Member

Angel1111

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I agree with Gordon.

 

Ladies out there please don't get offended by this but OP do not do the typical stupid thing that females do which is think that you can open up communication with this guy, talk about personal feelings from years ago, stay friends, and not cheat. You will at the very least have a EA

 

Tell him you moved on and cut all contact with him. Unless you want to be on here when you are 50 talking about how you failed at this marriage because of stupid contact with a ex

 

What you say is a good reminder for me and I'm sure for a lot of women. We tend to underestimate situations like this because it's our weakness - in the sense that we don't see that far ahead or we don't suspect that someone else would have motives other than what they state. It's been my downfall many times.

jnj express Established Member

jnj express

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You have just gotten married---why do you even need to seek advice on this?????

 

You are I would hope a grown woman, Are you not mature enuff to know what to do. What if your H. were to read your facebook, how is your newly-wed Husband gonna feel if you start asking very personal questions, of a long lost lover. Do not answer, and cut him from your facebook

 

Why did you even agree to him as a friend?????

 

He has been toxic for you in the past----Do you want him to wreck your present life?????

GordonDarkfoot Established Member

GordonDarkfoot

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What you say is a good reminder for me and I'm sure for a lot of women. We tend to underestimate situations like this because it's our weakness - in the sense that we don't see that far ahead or we don't suspect that someone else would have motives other than what they state. It's been my downfall many times.

 

 

I have to disagree with this. Women don't underestimate situations like this as compared to a man, assuming the intelligence level is the same. They pretend that the interaction is something other than what they know is really going on. Women can be much more indirect than men about getting involved in these kinds of flirtations, but it's not because they "don't know what they're getting into." It's because women like to maintain plausible deniability. It's just another way of not taking responsibility for one's actions.

 

"It's been my downfall many times." Why did you keep doing it after the first time? How many "downfalls" does it take to drive the lesson home?

LSNoob Established Member

LSNoob

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You have just gotten married---why do you even need to seek advice on this?????

 

You are I would hope a grown woman, Are you not mature enuff to know what to do. What if your H. were to read your facebook, how is your newly-wed Husband gonna feel if you start asking very personal questions, of a long lost lover. Do not answer, and cut him from your facebook

 

Why did you even agree to him as a friend?????

 

He has been toxic for you in the past----Do you want him to wreck your present life?????

 

 

Can you explain something for me if you don't mind? :)

 

He has been toxic for you in the past----Do you want him to wreck your present life?????

 

If SHE cheated on him ( not to mention she was his first, makes it extra special and all that ), and after his mom passed away she got rid of his baby. HOW on earth is he the toxic one? I really don't understand.

 

Christy, first congratulations on your marriage :D:), please for the love of god change yourself already. Just the fact that you "don't know" how to handle this, is a sign of infidelity. Please its bad enough that your husband have to accept and cope with the fact that his soul mate is capable of cheating. Only that can destroy trust in marriages. Now you wanna go back and get closure from your victim(ex bf)?

 

Please IF you have to send a message back, then just send him message and tell him how sorry you were to hurt him and all that and you regret it and its time to move on. Tell him that he found the one for him and his happiness are with his wife and kids. Please don't destroy your marriage and his marriage. You have done harm to people a lot in the past, it's time for a change and a fresh new start. You are a wife and soon-to-be mommy :). Be a respectable, loving and strong wife/mother. Wish you all the happiness and luck in your marriage.

lostsunsets Established Member

lostsunsets

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I agree with LSNoob. You have no business striking up a conversation with him. I still think you have boundaries issues. Block him and focus on your new marriage. Be careful

Chrome Barracuda Established Member

Chrome Barracuda

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I agree, once your married, your exes should be off limits. If you did all this horrible stuff to him, he must either like getting hurt or wants closure from you either way. It's not helpful to his marriage or yours.

 

LEAVE HIM ALONE!

O'Malley Established Member

O'Malley

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You don't need to apologize to anyone for the choice you made when you got pregnant all those yrs ago. You made that decision based on your circumstances and frame-of-mind at the time. Today, you'd probably do it differently but back then it was the right choice for you.

 

Agreed.

 

When exes contact you out of the blue it's generally a) curiosity if your life is going better than theirs or b) interest in seeing if there are any embers left from your prior relationship that could be fired back up. Usually the latter.

 

Some people are best kept in your past, regardless of social networks. Genuine closure has nothing to do with him and everything to do with how you've changed your perspective.

LSNoob Established Member

LSNoob

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Agreed.

 

When exes contact you out of the blue it's generally a) curiosity if your life is going better than theirs or b) interest in seeing if there are any embers left from your prior relationship that could be fired back up. Usually the latter.

 

Some people are best kept in your past, regardless of social networks. Genuine closure has nothing to do with him and everything to do with how you've changed your perspective.

:love:

 

That is so true. 100% agreed.

jnj express Established Member

jnj express

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Hey LS---He , meaning his relationship with her has been toxic---I understand that she was the cheater, and had the abortion---just my way of phrasing I guess

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