Revenge? Who Has the right?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Lets get something straight here:

 

1) The ORIGINAL POST stated that there was an OW who had “feelings of revenge” (after being thrown under the bus) towards the MM, BS and the M, and had gotten support. Yet when the BS has the same “feelings of revenge” they get maligned.

 

The original post basically said that nobody has a leg up (so to speak) and no camp has a “greater right to ownership of vengeful feelings”.

 

This was a post I found very interesting and agree with.

 

2) There was a reply and the poster said that he didn’t understand the “OP’s anger at the BW” and “never understood the OM/OW’s anger overall against the BS’s in general”.

 

Followed by another poster who said “Hopefully one of the helpful OM/OW will come over here and explain this anger“.

 

Which is why I gave a POSSIBLE EXPLANATION as to where the anger may be coming from via the OW/OM P.O.V.

 

I did NOT say this was what I personally felt or experienced.

 

 

 

No you have it wrong. What I said was, just like SOME OW/OM may mistakenly believe that the BS is an “obstacle”, there are SOME BS who think the AP is the “problem” in the M.

 

The problem is not the AFFAIR. The problem is whatever dynamic existed in the M prior to the A, whatever caused the walls of the M to be breached so easily.

 

Saying "the A exists because the two people WANT to be there", is literally just that. IMO just because a person is in an A doesn't mean they are "admitting to wanting to be in between a M" (although granted, there probably are APs who think this).

 

The A is a separate entity. Just as the M is a separate entity. Although "the triangle" is commonly used to illustrate the situation, the only thing that connects the AP & BS is the WS. There is no line between the AP & BS (unless it's after DDay).

 

 

 

Once again, I didn’t “conveniently” forget that anger may be directed towards the WS. I was giving a different perspective to why the AP might have “feelings of revenge” and/or “anger” towards the BS.

 

And please tell me, what is my “routine agenda”?

 

 

 

Okay - so you’re saying that because I didn’t personally experience it, that specific P.O.V. doesn’t count AT ALL? You're telling me that my experience with a friend/BS who said exactly that (that the A was the problem, not their M) is non-existent?

 

 

 

I’m not against BS’s. I have a lot of sympathy for a lot of them (thanks to LS). But I'll be honest, I'm not crying over the fact that I'm "making one out of another female”.

 

 

I know where I stand with my SO and I know what I want (thanks to LS and the advice I’ve gotten). He and I have a plan and we’re going to stick it. I’ll keep you posted.

 

 

Keep waiting and sticking to that "PLAN" of yours...I bet you right here and right now...it'll NEVER happen!!! Like I've said a million times before if he REALLY wanted and loved you he'd leave NOW...not in a week..not in a month..and not in a year. You mean ***** to him...nothing but a weak piece of @ss! You can go on pretending to being happy as the OW...which we all know is a load of crap. In any event to say you don't feel the slightest bit of remorse to your MM's BS says a lot about you and your character. I really do feel sorry for you that you would have to degrade yourself so much as to chase after another lady's man. In due time you'll get yours...and all BS's will be waiting for it...in the meantime...keep going about your affair...and wait for DDay to arrive..then you'll see your destiny. I simply wouldnt want a dude who can cheat on his wife and kids persay...but hey who am I to talk right? I am a BS afterall....

 

And on another note...you say you know where you stand with your SO? Really now...he calls and sees you whenever HE wants to...how the hell do you know what HIS plans are for you? Sad to think you'd wait for him to make your life plans huh? But I guess thats what OP's do...wait for that big day when he packs up and moves in with them huh? How sad. I can only tell you from reading most OW/OM forums you'll be just as sad as the rest of them when the WS realizes what a moron he's been to his wife and family. Not to say that some actually don't leave..but majority rules in this case. You can justify your actions in as many ways as you want to..for you own peace of mind...but don't ever try to justify those of a cheating spouse. You don't live in his home...your not his wife..and simply don't know didly about their marriage expect for the load of lies he tells you. SIMPLE AS THAT!

[Spark1111]

Hey, Spark, this thread is changing from the OP and I was thinking about starting a new thread about forgiving the OW/OM.

 

Anyone think it better to continue here with my thoughts on it as it does kinda stay close to the thread topic: revenge. Usually people that want revenge don't work on forgiveness.

 

Thoughts? New thread or no?

 

 

Start the thread. Start the thread! Let's see how much empathy is out there!

[Spark1111]

I have no idea what my A is doing for his M.

His M is not my problem.

My concern is what makes ME happy.

(and I could care less about "getting revenge" on anybody)

 

As for identifying problems in a M (and I say this as a GENERAL statement, not personal as in: relating to my situation) - IMO, no, I don't think A's improve the interaction, connection, communication within the M. These are the things that should have been worked on PRIOR, when the issues were molehills instead of mountains.

 

P.S. What's with all the weird laughter?

.

 

Okay, you do not know what he is doing in his marriage. You feel totally blameless for the state of his marriage, believing the damage was in place before you. Could be true.

 

But you MUST know that when the going gets tough, he gets going to a new person, you. Rather than working or fixing, he has an affair.

 

Hmmm, interesting.......

 

So when the going gets tough between the two of you, if you succeed in having a permanent long term commited relationship, your man will....what? What will your man do?.

 

BEcause if you do not think his wife felt about him and the relationship way back when, as you do today, I think that you are deluding yourself.

 

And trying to envision a woman, a spouse, who at one time loved the same man as you do, SHOULD make you more empathetic towards her when he leaves her, not Better than her.

[worlybear]

I have to say catergorically that I will NEVER forgive either my husband or former friend for their affair. I am learning to live with it -yes. But forgive??!!!

I no longer want to do unspeakable,illegal acts to the pair of them but still hope that it all eventually falls apart for them (because I'm human and because of the terrible hurt they've knowingly inflicted on so many innocent people.)

[jennie-jennie]

'

 

Can I ask why you always say stuff like this? A BS IS an inocent victim in the triangle of an affair! Do you blame your MM's wife that he's living a double life, cheating on her?

 

I gotta wonder this as well. I mean, seriously. The MM/MW is THE culpable party in these A's. The OW/OM is the enabler. The BS is the victim.

 

End of story.

 

This is a bit condescending, don't you think?

 

Remember, unlike the MP and the AP, the BS had no choice in having this disgusting event foisted upon them.

 

I agree that some BS get stuck in bitterness...but then again they were never given a choice in the matter.

 

Should they try to move past the bitterness? Well yes, for the sake of the BS...I hate to see anyone stuck like that because life is short. However, it's not up to me to decide if anyone should be bitter or not.

 

Okay, okay, I never said the BS wasn't an innocent victim. I just said that seeing yourself as such it is easy to become bitter and revengeful.

 

When I was the BS, I chose to see my SOs' serial cheating as compulsiveness, and thus it was not directed at me, even though I was the innocent victim of it, and thus I did not become bitter and revengeful.

[jennie-jennie]

Snowflower, but so do many, many OW/OM also get stuck in bitterness. Is is because they truly believed the AP lied to the spouse (for true love) but never to them?

 

Is that the cause of an OW/OM's bitterness? Because they would have to adopt that as gospel during the affair to feel so bitter and vengeful when the affair ends.

 

It is true that many OW/OM do get stuck in bitterness. Interestingly enough this more often than not seems to be the OW/OM who have gone against their own morals during the affair. I wonder if the goal for them (a non-affair relationship) was more important than the relationship itself at the time. Those who enjoy the affair while it is running its course even though they may be hoping for more do seem to more often come out of the affair without lingering bitterness.

 

I believe it is about owning your choices. I could be bitter for staying with an abusive man for 25 years. I am not, because I know I loved him and chose to stay with him.

[jennie-jennie]

Hopefully one of the helpful OM/OW will come over here and explain this anger.

 

I for one am not angry at the BS, nor do I harbor any revengeful thoughts towards her. All anger and all revengeful thoughts would be directed at the WS, who is the one I am in a relationship with, not the BS.

[spriggig]

Okay, okay, I never said the BS wasn't an innocent victim. I just said that seeing yourself as such it is easy to become bitter and revengeful.

 

When I was the BS, I chose to see my SOs' serial cheating as compulsiveness, and thus it was not directed at me, even though I was the innocent victim of it, and thus I did not become bitter and revengeful.

 

The BS is ignorant of the affair, has no control over the affair and is completely innocent in that regard. The BS is responsible for his/her half of the marriage only. Owning up to that responsibility can help relieve the anger and bitterness. The real reason the WS chooses to start an affair may or may not have to do with unhappiness in the marriage--usually yes, but not always.

 

On both sides, bitterness stems from constant denial of responsibility, blame shifting, avoidance of guilt feelings and lack of introspection.

 

From what I've read on LS, the majority of BS's are willing to forgive as long as the WS is cooperative.

[silktricks]

The BS is ignorant of the affair, has no control over the affair and is completely innocent in that regard. The BS is responsible for his/her half of the marriage only. Owning up to that responsibility can help relieve the anger and bitterness.

The BS is indeed ignorant of the affair, most times. Often the BS is even ignorant of the problems in the marriage. IMO, that (often willful ) ignorance of the problems can also lead to anger and bitterness. Which is why I so completely agree with the bolded above. The BS needs some introspection at least into the marriage but also into themselves. It's really easy to say (and also true) that the WS should have communicated their dissatisfaction. But how easy did the BS make that communication? I know from my own experience that I didn't make it all that easy...

 

 

The real reason the WS chooses to start an affair may or may not have to do with unhappiness in the marriage--usually yes, but not always.

OW almost always say that a happy marriage will not have an affair. This has elements of truth, of course. But it doesn't hold the complete truth that they voice it with. A person can be content in their marriage (which in my opinion is better than "happy" -- which if anyone wants to know why, I'll explain - just ask ) but contentment doesn't mean perfect. No person is perfect, and therefore no marriage is perfect. There are always ups and downs. Any marriage will experience downs. At that down time an affair can happen. The state of the marriage doesn't necessarily make an affair possible - it's the state of mind of the WS that makes it possible. Either of the partners who holds some sense of entitlement will be much more likely to have an affair IMO.

 

On both sides, bitterness stems from constant denial of responsibility, blame shifting, avoidance of guilt feelings and lack of introspection.

 

From what I've read on LS, the majority of BS's are willing to forgive as long as the WS is cooperative.

It's possible this is because the majority of BS on LS are women. It's been stated even in this thread(?)... (and I think I believe this) that women BS are more likely to forgive and men BS more likely to divorce. Edited August 6, 2010 by silktricks

[silktricks]

Okay, okay, I never said the BS wasn't an innocent victim.

 

:lmao: Being a person who absolutely despises the idea of ever under any circumstances being a victim... I'd apparently rather consider myself at fault (at least somewhat ) than take on the mantle of "innocent victim"...

[silktricks]

It is true that many OW/OM do get stuck in bitterness. Interestingly enough this more often than not seems to be the OW/OM who have gone against their own morals during the affair. I wonder if the goal for them (a non-affair relationship) was more important than the relationship itself at the time.

 

What I don't get - and this goes back to the original post, I believe - is WHY do those many OW/OM who get stuck in bitterness seem usually to be bitter at the spouse??? That sticks in my craw. They are all "the marriage is not my business - that's HIS business - the affair is between him and me, the marriage is between him and his wife..." etc.

 

But then, if things don't work out between the OW/OM and WS, then it's the spouse (that person who wasn't their business...) who gets the anger!!! Totally confusing.

[TOWinNYC]

The BS is ignorant of the affair, has no control over the affair and is completely innocent in that regard. The BS is responsible for his/her half of the marriage only. Owning up to that responsibility can help relieve the anger and bitterness. The real reason the WS chooses to start an affair may or may not have to do with unhappiness in the marriage--usually yes, but not always.

 

Wow - a breath of fresh air! THANK YOU.

 

This has always been my point (but seems to get misconstrued) - the BS is not responsible for the A but IS responsible for his/her half of the M.

 

A's don't happen in a vaccum. If both H & W are in love with each other and happy - there's no way an extra person can intrude upon that fortress.

 

On both sides, bitterness stems from constant denial of responsibility, blame shifting, avoidance of guilt feelings and lack of introspection.

 

Or bitterness can be as simple as not being able to "let it go" (both OW & BS).

[TOWinNYC]

Okay, you do not know what he is doing in his marriage. You feel totally blameless for the state of his marriage, believing the damage was in place before you. Could be true.

 

But you MUST know that when the going gets tough, he gets going to a new person, you. Rather than working or fixing, he has an affair.

 

Hmmm, interesting.......

 

But Spark, I’m not a “new person”. I’ve been in his life longer than the W. Maybe my situation is a little different than a bulk of the stories on LS but there is a history and a past between us that precedes his M.

 

I know people are curious about this “past” but that’s something I’m not comfortable divulging at this point. Lets just say that we’ve been in each others lives for a long time and at this moment what we have is considered an A because my SO is M.

 

So when the going gets tough between the two of you, if you succeed in having a permanent long term commited relationship, your man will....what? What will your man do?.

 

If we do succeed in getting to the goal we have set for ourselves, I believe our R will continue as it has. While it has had some “growing pains”, what we feel for each other has always been organic and intuitive and our interactions have always been EASY.

 

And since I’ve been called on making “assumptive” statements, I will add: this isn’t an “assumption” of his thoughts/feelings. He and I have had numerous discussions about this.

 

BEcause if you do not think his wife felt about him and the relationship way back when, as you do today, I think that you are deluding yourself.

 

And trying to envision a woman, a spouse, who at one time loved the same man as you do, SHOULD make you more empathetic towards her when he leaves her, not Better than her.

 

I don’t claim to know ANYTHING about his W – and neither should you.

 

And I never said I was “better” than her. I NEVER said that. But do I think I’m different? Yes.

 

And as far as empathy goes, it absolutely exists. This is the reason my SO & I have a plan and a goal. This is the reason we’re not causing upheavals until certain things are lined up. I realize that some may see this as "wrong" but *shrug* this is what works for us.

[2sure]

I'd have to take a long hard look at every poster and tally them up but...

I think the OW is left more bitterly than the BS. There are an awful lot of posts here asking or admitting that they are considering telling the wife and usually it is in anger.

 

Regarding BS :

 

Its natural for a spouse to say first thing: What can I do to fix this/What have I done to contribute to it? Thats the easy part.

 

Its also natural to have a lot of anger, especially if your WS has pretty much no issue with the marriage that they can identify.

 

The bitterness...comes from when your spouse has cheated on YOU and then basically blames YOU. Blames you for finding out, blames you for being angry, blames you for absolutely anything they can think of to deflect.

 

That makes a person bitter. I mean, its one thing to say OK - you f'd up or even We f'd up. But when the WS or worse - OW points a finger and says the wife f'd up.

 

That aint right.

[HappyAtLast]

While I firmly believe that, at the time of my affair, my ex-wife was a victim thereof, I would not, in any way, shape or form call her innocent.

 

Those two words simply do not go hand-in-hand in the situation of an extra marital affair. Victim, yes. But, in most cases, the betrayed spouse is hardly innocent.

 

Acknowledging certainly that the decision to cheat is solely on the back of the one cheating, of course.

[jennie-jennie]

What I don't get - and this goes back to the original post, I believe - is WHY do those many OW/OM who get stuck in bitterness seem usually to be bitter at the spouse??? That sticks in my craw. They are all "the marriage is not my business - that's HIS business - the affair is between him and me, the marriage is between him and his wife..." etc.

 

But then, if things don't work out between the OW/OM and WS, then it's the spouse (that person who wasn't their business...) who gets the anger!!! Totally confusing.

 

But is it really? Isn't the constant talk we see here on LS from former OW about the lying, cheating cake-eaters?

[jennie-jennie]

The BS is ignorant of the affair, has no control over the affair and is completely innocent in that regard. The BS is responsible for his/her half of the marriage only. Owning up to that responsibility can help relieve the anger and bitterness. The real reason the WS chooses to start an affair may or may not have to do with unhappiness in the marriage--usually yes, but not always.

 

On both sides, bitterness stems from constant denial of responsibility, blame shifting, avoidance of guilt feelings and lack of introspection.

 

From what I've read on LS, the majority of BS's are willing to forgive as long as the WS is cooperative.

 

This is interesting. What does cooperative mean? Who has the say what is proper behavior after exposure of the affair? Who has the say that taking responsibility for your actions means shouldering a certain amount of guilt and blame?

 

The BS might demand more than the WS feels he has the duty to give. The BS might look at the situation differently than the WS. Is it then the WS' fault that the BS becomes bitter? Or does the BS him/herself have to take responsibility for working through his/her emotions of bitterness?

[donnamaybe]

This is interesting. What does cooperative mean? Who has the say what is proper behavior after exposure of the affair? Who has the say that taking responsibility for your actions means shouldering a certain amount of guilt and blame?

 

The BS might demand more than the WS feels he has the duty to give. The BS might look at the situation differently than the WS. Is it then the WS' fault that the BS becomes bitter? Or does the BS him/herself have to take responsibility for working through his/her emotions of bitterness?

Maybe it's just a matter of the WS CHOOSING fer gawd's sake! If he wants to continue to skulk around behind his/her spouse's back, GET AN F'ING DIVORCE INSTEAD! No more of the lying and sneaking. I don't think that's too much to ask of anyone.

[TOWinNYC]

Keep waiting and sticking to that "PLAN" of yours...I bet you right here and right now...it'll NEVER happen!!! Like I've said a million times before if he REALLY wanted and loved you he'd leave NOW...not in a week..not in a month..and not in a year. You mean ***** to him...nothing but a weak piece of @ss!

 

That was completely uncalled for.

 

And against LS policies: Personal attacks against other participants will not be tolerated under any circumstances. We define personal attacks as posted comments which are intended to provoke, demean, or ridicule another participant.

 

I understand that we all see the world through the lens of our personal experiences (I do it as well) – but you don’t know us or our history and you CERTAINLY don’t know what my SO is thinking.

 

I feel bad for you because your unhappiness is leaking out like a sieve – and I hope the anger you’re carrying and misdirecting eventually goes away.

 

You can go on pretending to being happy as the OW...which we all know is a load of crap.

 

Ah Port, luckily for me, I don’t have to pretend.

 

In any event to say you don't feel the slightest bit of remorse to your MM's BS says a lot about you and your character. I really do feel sorry for you that you would have to degrade yourself so much as to chase after another lady's man.

 

And lashing out at me, someone you don’t even know on a FORUM, telling me that I’m “nothing but a weak piece of @ss” is indicative of YOUR character.

 

And sorry to burst your assumptions and fantasies but I don’t have to “chase”.

 

In due time you'll get yours...and all BS's will be waiting for it...in the meantime...keep going about your affair...and wait for DDay to arrive..then you'll see your destiny. I simply wouldnt want a dude who can cheat on his wife and kids persay...but hey who am I to talk right? I am a BS afterall....

 

Our plan is for DDay *not* to happen. But no matter what my “destiny” is – it is my belief that “Everything happens for a reason”. Do I want to reach our goal and the life he & I have planned for ourselves? Of course I do. But if it doesn’t happen – that’s okay too. Whatever happens is what’s supposed to happen, and when one door closes another opens up.

 

BTW, you may be a BS but you don’t have to be a bitter one. The choice is yours.

[TOWinNYC]

While I firmly believe that, at the time of my affair, my ex-wife was a victim thereof, I would not, in any way, shape or form call her innocent.

 

Those two words simply do not go hand-in-hand in the situation of an extra marital affair. Victim, yes. But, in most cases, the betrayed spouse is hardly innocent.

 

Acknowledging certainly that the decision to cheat is solely on the back of the one cheating, of course.

 

Thanks for posting this. Maybe it'll mean more coming from you than me.

[silktricks]

This is interesting. What does cooperative mean? Who has the say what is proper behavior after exposure of the affair?

I think you are lumping 2 sentences with completely different ideas into one...

 

Who has the say that taking responsibility for your actions means shouldering a certain amount of guilt and blame?

 

The BS might demand more than the WS feels he has the duty to give. The BS might look at the situation differently than the WS. Is it then the WS' fault that the BS becomes bitter? Or does the BS him/herself have to take responsibility for working through his/her emotions of bitterness?

The point, I believe, of Sprigig's post is that we are responsible for our own bitterness. If we (both BS and OW/OM) do not look with introspection into our own actions (and reactions) - that is where bitterness can come from...

[Owl]

While I firmly believe that, at the time of my affair, my ex-wife was a victim thereof, I would not, in any way, shape or form call her innocent.

 

Those two words simply do not go hand-in-hand in the situation of an extra marital affair. Victim, yes. But, in most cases, the betrayed spouse is hardly innocent.

Acknowledging certainly that the decision to cheat is solely on the back of the one cheating, of course.

 

Interesting question.

 

If not "innocent"...then guilty of precisely what?

 

Participating in a marriage that may (or may not) have "issues"?

 

Does that mean that they're by default guilty of causing those issues?

 

See, here's where I have an issue with this concept. What I've noticed is that a lot of times, the "issues" in the marriage more often center around the WS than the BS. Now, of course there are times when it's shared, and there are times when the BS is so mental that the WS is nearly a saint for staying as long as they did.

 

But it seems to me that a lot of times, the "issue" that exists in the marriage that creates the biggest problem is often the WS's sense of entitlement. Their own self-centeredness and selfishness...and that trait is one of the most common 'factors' that leads them to the choice to cheat on their spouse rather than address the issue head on.

 

When I read statements like the one bolded above, I'm sorry but the only thing that comes out of that is that someone is trying to blame the BS for the affair. People say that the affair is the WS's choice....but when they add in that the BS is responsible for the marriage...they're implying that the BS deserved or earned the affair in some fashion.

 

It's like saying "I don't think you're a thief, but please stop stealing from me".

 

It negates the first part of the sentence.

[Mimolicious]

TNYC-

 

Okay - so you’re saying that because I didn’t personally experience it, that specific P.O.V. doesn’t count AT ALL? You're telling me that my experience with a friend/BS who said exactly that (that the A was the problem, not their M) is non-existent?

 

No that is not what I am saying. What I am saying is that your POV, post after post is very systematic. From what I read is a train running on the same track, so it gets a bit dull. I'm just keeping it 100, TNYC. No pun intended.

 

i.e.

 

As for identifying problems in a M (and I say this as a GENERAL statement, not personal as in: relating to my situation) - IMO, no, I don't think A's improve the interaction, connection, communication within the M. These are the things that should have been worked on PRIOR, when the issues were molehills instead of mountains.

 

With all due respect fellow NY'er but unless you have sat down with every M you wouldn't be able to know this, so I think that "persona" would have been better than "general" up there. No? Or I am just bugging?

You are entitled to your opinion without a doubt, but don't generalize and make classifications for things that you may not be well in knowledge of.

This is a discussion board, people are taken for what they write.

 

And my response to that is (and this is ONLY pertaining to Long-Term-Affairs, not One-Night-Stands) you cannot make a person who is happy in their relationship cheat.

 

Is this another general statement? I got one for you! perfect timing !

 

[sIZE=3]sorry 4 ruining OUR life:( ***** I had all I can possibly wish n dream 4. how ignorant of me 2 think da I was entitled 2 do me. u supported my dreams n stood by my failures even when I hurt u. u were my baby. Ur always b my baby. :::mariah voice::: loved u since da 1st time I ever saw u. u were my bff lover wife mom 2 my kids n I lost u 4 being a fool HA! Im ****ed now we had it all ***** I miss it hope u can find that again I hate myself 4 letting u go cant take n e thing bck fell 4 what I was being sold gullible me[/sIZE]

 

- This is a text that my xH sent me this morning. Does it fit your statement?

 

People cheat for different reasons. Even if they have it all and are happy in their relationship. He could have not said it better... We had a GREAT R. Anyone who knows us can tell you that. But my xH let his social status and fat pockets get to his head and he lost sense of reality along with an enabler OW who made herself very very available. Showing up like a groupie everywhere he was.

In all honesty, I WAS NOT HAPPY and I DIDN'T CHEAT! Not even for revenge I would have cheated...

 

So back to the subject- from another stance. Seems like revenge can be self-served. Look at how remorseful my xH sounds. His OW must be REALLY HAPPY dealing with such broken man. HA!

 

Served cold is best!

*cheers*

Edited August 6, 2010 by Mimolicious
formatting

[PortuguesePrincess80]

That was completely uncalled for.

 

And against LS policies: Personal attacks against other participants will not be tolerated under any circumstances. We define personal attacks as posted comments which are intended to provoke, demean, or ridicule another participant.

 

Personal attacks..not in the slighest...I couldnt give 2 f's about you or your deluded life! Seems like you can dish but cant take back...aww poor baby!

 

I understand that we all see the world through the lens of our personal experiences (I do it as well) – but you don’t know us or our history and you CERTAINLY don’t know what my SO is thinking.

 

And you honestly think you know what he's thinking? Seriously

I feel bad for you because your unhappiness is leaking out like a sieve – and I hope the anger you’re carrying and misdirecting eventually goes away.

 

Not in the slightest hun. I couldn't be happier..I have an awesome kid, a good job and my health. Those are the most important things anyone can ask for. A man or marriage are extras in a life. If you got a keeper..then time will runs its course and you can enjoy all those with them. A man doesn't MAKE me!

 

Ah Port, luckily for me, I don’t have to pretend.

 

Ah but you do...

 

And lashing out at me, someone you don’t even know on a FORUM, telling me that I’m “nothing but a weak piece of @ss” is indicative of YOUR character.

 

And sorry to burst your assumptions and fantasies but I don’t have to “chase”.

 

LOL...ya sure you don't. Just have to be picked up by married men huh? Wow...you must be one lucky catch!

 

Our plan is for DDay *not* to happen. But no matter what my “destiny” is – it is my belief that “Everything happens for a reason”. Do I want to reach our goal and the life he & I have planned for ourselves? Of course I do. But if it doesn’t happen – that’s okay too. Whatever happens is what’s supposed to happen, and when one door closes another opens up.

 

HAHAHAHA! Don't let that bite you in the butt. What goes around comes around.

 

BTW, you may be a BS but you don’t have to be a bitter one. The choice is yours.

 

Bitter not in the least. Confused perhaps. Sounds like your the bitter OW who wants what she can't have...therefore has to justify her actions on a forum to get some sort of gratification for helping a loser dissolve his marriage. Either way...sounds like you 2 are a match made in heaven if that has any grounds for ya.

[Snowflower]

 

Served cold is best!

*cheers*

 

Are you talking about white wine, beer, or revenge?

 

Interesting thread. I didn't have a chance to check back until now but I'm glad it is still civil for the most part.

 

TOW, thank you for being brave enough to come back and explain yourself here among the formerly-betrayed. I don't agree with everything, it's still generalized but I appreciate that you took the time to explain your thoughts.

 

As for the BS not taking responsibility for their part of the pre-affair marriage...I don't think that's true. I've alluded to my own screw-ups, Silktricks has and so has Spark (forgive me, ladies) and I'm sure there are others. There are BS (me included) who realize that we handled things poorly at times pre-affair.

 

I guess my biggest issue with what was posted was the assumption the BS only look at the affair or the OW/OM and pin everything on that/them. I'm sure there are BS's that do that and I'm sure their marriage eventually fails, despite anything the WS does to try to save it.

 

But an introspective BS--and there are many here--will learn from the painful experience and try to take something positive away from it: either for the good of their marriage or life in general.

 

I think most BS go through a stage in reconciliation (I went through this stage 2-3 months in) where they assign an unfair amount of blame to the AP and the affair itself, but it's a stage for most people. To truly heal and recover the marriage, this stage has to pass. Sometimes BS's at this stage in their healing will "show up" here at LS--it's probably a temporary phase for them.

 

I worry about any BS who is years down the road and still angry and bitter and hasn't appeared to learn anything.