Revenge? Who Has the right?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I was brought up by good old Unitarian/Quaker parents, forgiveness was a byword. I admit to feeling proud and rather smug that I can forgive and it isn't always altruistic believe me. I think that while the A was ongoing it was being done TO me, after D Day and me being in full knowledge of the facts meant that I had choices. OW had none, it was a case of OW? what OW. I can understand how this can hurt someone, but for any OW/M to think that revenge directed toward the BS is even remotely acceptable just doesn't make any sense at all. Revenge toward the BS because they and THEIR MM are sorting out their marriage? Revenge toward the MP? what for? for lying, well A's are based on lies so why be surprised, unless the old adage of They wouldn't lie to me holds true. Revenge because they have been rejected? well, IMO, rejection started when the relationship was hidden, I cannot (with very few exceptions) understand how any love affair (I use the term affair loosely) can thrive when hidden. If you love someone you leave, end of, not when (insert XYZ) but when love is professed and taken as given by the other person. How the hell can anyone share their loved one? Even if it isn't sex, just day to day sharing.

 

 

Completely agree with this Seren! Also need to give you major props for not murdering the OW in your case. Kinda makes you feel more sorry for your husband to be so lost in himself to be with such a psycho! Thats not even infactuation...thats just a sick ole wench for real!

[Spark1111]

Its really part of the OP usual tactic of not taking responsibility for anything knowing full well they helped cause the issues it creates.

 

Not only causing the issue it creates, but adamantly insisting it is a loveless marriage and HE/SHE must be miserable while still pining away for me.

 

Ugh! If I can concede many OW/OM are lonely and vulnerable people who made a mistake in trusting a confused MM/MW and the lies told them to keep the feeling great feelings coming, why do I receive so MUCH less in their opinions and attitudes towards fBSs?

 

Where is the growth, the introspection, the ownership and the subsequent maturity in acknowledging BSs also loved this person and the benefit of the doubt.

 

Fer crying out loud, why am I always fighting for the benefit of the doubt as a fBS on this board!

[crazycatlady]

I've been struggling so hard with this subject. Thought of saying something on that thread and decided not to do so.

 

I've been harboring similar thoughts but on the opposite side...like that I'm glad she is alone and probably will be for a long time since being the OW is a habit for her, not like some of the serial OW here. She does it because she thinks it some how makes her the better woman which is not the case. And at times I feel smug because I know she was truly trying to ruin things between my H and I where as he was simply being a cake eater. Emotions or not, he love for me was never in question, I never did anything wrong (as in our marriage was not going through a rough patch), and that he was beig selfish and hoping he could hit and quit it but I think he really enjoyed the ego stroking.

 

I don't know for certain she was trying to ruin things....but the fact that she won't talk to me, and used my son as a way to keep me from talking to her........and I'm bitter and angry at her. My H has jumped through hoops, has finally come to realize he almost completely broke my heart and killed me (or so it felt) etc over what he had done and has devoted himself to making it up to me......him I forgive...her??

 

And this anger and wishfulness for revenge, its eating me. I have to find a way to purge it from my heart and soul. I couldn't care less if I ever forgive her, but I want her to cease to matter to me. I can forgive mistakes, but since she refuses to own it.....I have to believe it was done on purpose....and because of that she should no longer matter. And as long as I want revenge and feel anger and bitterness towards her, she matters. And I can't live like this which in turn just reinforces those feelings. And my husband sits and takes all the lashes for my anger with no complaint at all.

 

But anger and bitterness doesn't simply stay towards one person...its like an infection that festers and grows and I need to lance it for my own sake and for my loved ones. I just haven't figured out how.

 

CCL

[bentnotbroken]

I've been struggling so hard with this subject. Thought of saying something on that thread and decided not to do so.

 

I've been harboring similar thoughts but on the opposite side...like that I'm glad she is alone and probably will be for a long time since being the OW is a habit for her, not like some of the serial OW here. She does it because she thinks it some how makes her the better woman which is not the case. And at times I feel smug because I know she was truly trying to ruin things between my H and I where as he was simply being a cake eater. Emotions or not, he love for me was never in question, I never did anything wrong (as in our marriage was not going through a rough patch), and that he was beig selfish and hoping he could hit and quit it but I think he really enjoyed the ego stroking.

 

I don't know for certain she was trying to ruin things....but the fact that she won't talk to me, and used my son as a way to keep me from talking to her........and I'm bitter and angry at her. My H has jumped through hoops, has finally come to realize he almost completely broke my heart and killed me (or so it felt) etc over what he had done and has devoted himself to making it up to me......him I forgive...her??

 

And this anger and wishfulness for revenge, its eating me. I have to find a way to purge it from my heart and soul. I couldn't care less if I ever forgive her, but I want her to cease to matter to me. I can forgive mistakes, but since she refuses to own it.....I have to believe it was done on purpose....and because of that she should no longer matter. And as long as I want revenge and feel anger and bitterness towards her, she matters. And I can't live like this which in turn just reinforces those feelings. And my husband sits and takes all the lashes for my anger with no complaint at all.

 

But anger and bitterness doesn't simply stay towards one person...its like an infection that festers and grows and I need to lance it for my own sake and for my loved ones. I just haven't figured out how.

 

CCL

 

 

I truly believe this. It usually turns inward and the only thing that can come from us is what is within. I do pray you find the peace you seek.

[Spark1111]

I've been struggling so hard with this subject. Thought of saying something on that thread and decided not to do so.

 

I've been harboring similar thoughts but on the opposite side...like that I'm glad she is alone and probably will be for a long time since being the OW is a habit for her, not like some of the serial OW here. She does it because she thinks it some how makes her the better woman which is not the case. And at times I feel smug because I know she was truly trying to ruin things between my H and I where as he was simply being a cake eater. Emotions or not, he love for me was never in question, I never did anything wrong (as in our marriage was not going through a rough patch), and that he was beig selfish and hoping he could hit and quit it but I think he really enjoyed the ego stroking.

 

I don't know for certain she was trying to ruin things....but the fact that she won't talk to me, and used my son as a way to keep me from talking to her........and I'm bitter and angry at her. My H has jumped through hoops, has finally come to realize he almost completely broke my heart and killed me (or so it felt) etc over what he had done and has devoted himself to making it up to me......him I forgive...her??

 

And this anger and wishfulness for revenge, its eating me. I have to find a way to purge it from my heart and soul. I couldn't care less if I ever forgive her, but I want her to cease to matter to me. I can forgive mistakes, but since she refuses to own it.....I have to believe it was done on purpose....and because of that she should no longer matter. And as long as I want revenge and feel anger and bitterness towards her, she matters. And I can't live like this which in turn just reinforces those feelings. And my husband sits and takes all the lashes for my anger with no complaint at all.

 

But anger and bitterness doesn't simply stay towards one person...its like an infection that festers and grows and I need to lance it for my own sake and for my loved ones. I just haven't figured out how.

 

CCL

 

I understand this, so do not apologize for this.

 

My H too was a cake eater: loved me, though he needed to talk himself out of it, but needed the ego validation and flattery from her.

 

He atones and apologizes and adores me everyday. He shows true remorse and has transformed into a loving, devoted husband, lover and spouse.

 

I forgave her. Felt sorry for her. And then so many pieces of the puzzle began to not fit with my preconceived notion of a lonely vulnerable single mom Who just happened to fall in love with a man paying attention to her.

 

She was in actuality, arrogant, contemptuous, self-entitled, and down right cruel and cold to me. True colors.

 

Totally unapologetic, nasty, and selfish. Very, very manipulative.

 

And after absorbing the shock of the reality of her not jiving with my fantasy of what she would be....well, I got really good and angry.

 

And then I calmed down. And now I pity her. Because she hides so much hate and anger and sadness behind that arrogant, unapologetic facade of self-righteousness.

 

And that is an ivory tower that will never allow her to be authentic, humble, grateful for the good in others or truly joyous and at peace.

 

She will repeat and repeat and repeat the cycle over and over because she can never be wrong.

 

How sad!

[Spark1111]

Completely agree with this Seren! Also need to give you major props for not murdering the OW in your case. Kinda makes you feel more sorry for your husband to be so lost in himself to be with such a psycho! Thats not even infactuation...thats just a sick ole wench for real!

 

Lived this...to a much lesser degree, Seren.

 

I turned to my H and said: It IT EVEN REMOTELY POSSIBLE that you crashed into the one person on the planet even more f'd up than you at that time??????????????

 

And he responded sheepishly, "I knew something was f'd up, but I thought it was mostly me. I couldn't really tell.":lmao::lmao:

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I've been struggling so hard with this subject. Thought of saying something on that thread and decided not to do so.

 

I've been harboring similar thoughts but on the opposite side...like that I'm glad she is alone and probably will be for a long time since being the OW is a habit for her, not like some of the serial OW here. She does it because she thinks it some how makes her the better woman which is not the case. And at times I feel smug because I know she was truly trying to ruin things between my H and I where as he was simply being a cake eater. Emotions or not, he love for me was never in question, I never did anything wrong (as in our marriage was not going through a rough patch), and that he was beig selfish and hoping he could hit and quit it but I think he really enjoyed the ego stroking.

 

I don't know for certain she was trying to ruin things....but the fact that she won't talk to me, and used my son as a way to keep me from talking to her........and I'm bitter and angry at her. My H has jumped through hoops, has finally come to realize he almost completely broke my heart and killed me (or so it felt) etc over what he had done and has devoted himself to making it up to me......him I forgive...her??

 

And this anger and wishfulness for revenge, its eating me. I have to find a way to purge it from my heart and soul. I couldn't care less if I ever forgive her, but I want her to cease to matter to me. I can forgive mistakes, but since she refuses to own it.....I have to believe it was done on purpose....and because of that she should no longer matter. And as long as I want revenge and feel anger and bitterness towards her, she matters. And I can't live like this which in turn just reinforces those feelings. And my husband sits and takes all the lashes for my anger with no complaint at all.

 

But anger and bitterness doesn't simply stay towards one person...its like an infection that festers and grows and I need to lance it for my own sake and for my loved ones. I just haven't figured out how.

 

CCL

 

 

I appreciate your honesty CCL. I am not sure how long its been since your DDay..but I can tell you mine is about 3 or 4 months now..and I still don't forgive...either my H or the wench. Can I ever forgive..I have no idea..I'd like to think for my own selfish reasons that I can..him that is..her..I could really care less! I don't need to ever forgive her..really for what? Is this something I should be worried about? Sheesh..I know I did feel kinda sorry for her...but honestly if I were in her shoes...I really don't think I'd be all that stupid to begin with. If a man told me he was splitting with his wife..and carry an affair with me for a year and still say he's living with her but planning to split up..ummmmmm wellll I dunno...may some red flags would go up at some point in those long 12 months. The fact that he only saw her once a week or every 2 weeks would even be more of an eyeopener for me as well. Lets face it...not all OW/OM want R's with the WS's either...maybe they just need some sex..period. But this chick seemed to think they had a future together. Either way..I don't wanna forgive her...is that wrong? Do I need that in order to move forward? With or without him????

[Spark1111]

I truly believe this. It usually turns inward and the only thing that can come from us is what is within. I do pray you find the peace you seek.

 

Look, imagine the most hateful, despicable angry, vengeful act you could perpetrate.....

 

Now what? You have fed the anger to a psychotic unstable point.

 

Feel better? Hardly....because anger feeds anger feeds vengefulness feeds anger then grows shame then anger.

 

You are still stuck where you did not want to be.

 

Do you have a right to feel angry? Of course you do. You have been hurt very deeply and it is a normal response to want to lash out at those who cause you pain.

 

But at some point, you have to --not let it go...that's too hard and too pat a response...you have to feed all that is good and kind and understanding and loving in you. Feed that every day all day. Concentrate on loving you, and loving others and loving compassion and empathy for others; the weak, the stupid, the arrogant, the cruel unenlightened needy and insecure ones.

 

Feed those emotions, all day every day. Dwell on that....and one day the anger lifts a little, and then a little more, and a little more after that....

 

Because as long as you are consumed and then derailed by anger...they win, they bested you, they still control you

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Lived this...to a much lesser degree, Seren.

 

I turned to my H and said: It IT EVEN REMOTELY POSSIBLE that you crashed into the one person on the planet even more f'd up than you at that time??????????????

 

And he responded sheepishly, "I knew something was f'd up, but I thought it was mostly me. I couldn't really tell.":lmao::lmao:

 

 

LOL...love it Sparks!!!

[NoIDidn't]

Hey, Spark, this thread is changing from the OP and I was thinking about starting a new thread about forgiving the OW/OM.

 

Anyone think it better to continue here with my thoughts on it as it does kinda stay close to the thread topic: revenge. Usually people that want revenge don't work on forgiveness.

 

Thoughts? New thread or no?

 

[D-Lish]

Everyone is entitled to their feelings. You can't always control how you feel- you simply control how you react to your feelings.

 

Revenge fantasies are pretty common across the board- doesn't matter if it's a cheating partner, or someone that screwed you in a business deal. Hell, I've had a visceral reaction to people I've just met where all I can think of doing is punching them in the face- over, and over, and over.

 

Everyone has the right to want revenge. Feelings and actions have different consequences.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Hey, Spark, this thread is changing from the OP and I was thinking about starting a new thread about forgiving the OW/OM.

 

Anyone think it better to continue here with my thoughts on it as it does kinda stay close to the thread topic: revenge. Usually people that want revenge don't work on forgiveness.

 

Thoughts? New thread or no?

 

 

Doesnt make a diff to me...I will not forgive...but will continue to dream of murdering...hahahaha!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Everyone is entitled to their feelings. You can't always control how you feel- you simply control how you react to your feelings.

 

Revenge fantasies are pretty common across the board- doesn't matter if it's a cheating partner, or someone that screwed you in a business deal. Hell, I've had a visceral reaction to people I've just met where all I can think of doing is punching them in the face- over, and over, and over.

 

Everyone has the right to want revenge. Feelings and actions have different consequences.

 

 

And thats exactly the truth. Acting out is what we hear about on the news!

[NoIDidn't]

Doesnt make a diff to me...I will not forgive...but will continue to dream of murdering...hahahaha!

 

Actually, I was thinking of the OP that wants revenge on the spouse of the MP they are seeing, in the above comment.

 

I can't see the need to forgive the spouse unless they actual did something beyond being married to the MP. And I can't see the need for the OP to need to forgive the spouse either. It just doesn't make sense to me.

 

I think its pretty rich for an OP to express a need to forgive the spouse they helped betray.

 

My question as more along the lines of who thinks they need to forgive the OP. I know what my spiritual beliefs teach according to some, but I think there are other ways of processing the feelings without forgiving - and without revenge.

[crazycatlady]

I truly believe this. It usually turns inward and the only thing that can come from us is what is within. I do pray you find the peace you seek.

 

I agree Bent, and thankyou for the prayer. I don't want to become that person. Right now I'm repeating the mantra a very wise friend told me "This too shall pass" and am just not dwelling on it when at all possible.

 

I understand this, so do not apologize for this.

 

My H too was a cake eater: loved me, though he needed to talk himself out of it, but needed the ego validation and flattery from her.

 

He atones and apologizes and adores me everyday. He shows true remorse and has transformed into a loving, devoted husband, lover and spouse.

 

I forgave her. Felt sorry for her. And then so many pieces of the puzzle began to not fit with my preconceived notion of a lonely vulnerable single mom Who just happened to fall in love with a man paying attention to her.

 

She was in actuality, arrogant, contemptuous, self-entitled, and down right cruel and cold to me. True colors.

 

Totally unapologetic, nasty, and selfish. Very, very manipulative.

 

And after absorbing the shock of the reality of her not jiving with my fantasy of what she would be....well, I got really good and angry.

 

And then I calmed down. And now I pity her. Because she hides so much hate and anger and sadness behind that arrogant, unapologetic facade of self-righteousness.

 

And that is an ivory tower that will never allow her to be authentic, humble, grateful for the good in others or truly joyous and at peace.

 

She will repeat and repeat and repeat the cycle over and over because she can never be wrong.

 

How sad!

 

Spark - this is so true and when I'm not feeling so angry at her, i feel sorry for her. I know its partly a manifestation of her mental illness (which I know for certain she has) and the fact that she has always felt I got everything (boo freaking hoo) and I've always been smarter etc. Again boo freaking hoo.

 

So I'm dealing with anger, bitterness, sorrow at the loss of my sister who I once felt close to, irritation of H for causing this when those other emotions come tumbling down on me....But the bitterness is getting stronger, and that needs purging. I think talking about it right now is helping. Because hey I was a lot calmer before hand.

 

I appreciate your honesty CCL. I am not sure how long its been since your DDay..but I can tell you mine is about 3 or 4 months now..and I still don't forgive...either my H or the wench. Can I ever forgive..I have no idea..I'd like to think for my own selfish reasons that I can..him that is..her..I could really care less! I don't need to ever forgive her..really for what? Is this something I should be worried about? Sheesh..I know I did feel kinda sorry for her...but honestly if I were in her shoes...I really don't think I'd be all that stupid to begin with. If a man told me he was splitting with his wife..and carry an affair with me for a year and still say he's living with her but planning to split up..ummmmmm wellll I dunno...may some red flags would go up at some point in those long 12 months. The fact that he only saw her once a week or every 2 weeks would even be more of an eyeopener for me as well. Lets face it...not all OW/OM want R's with the WS's either...maybe they just need some sex..period. But this chick seemed to think they had a future together. Either way..I don't wanna forgive her...is that wrong? Do I need that in order to move forward? With or without him????

 

October will be a year that I've know....I don't count dday as that day though, I count dday as the day he finally confessed which was March. My H never wanted to leave me, never told her he was leaving me. The her is my sister to make it really warped. My H is a very smart man...but damn he's stupid at times. He I forgave because he has shown remorse, and he showed remorse before he knew I knew. And really he tortured himself the whole time he was so guilt ridden.

 

I keep going back and forth whether I should just come out and tell her how upset I am...or even if I now want her to know after her actions this summer. If I want her to see how close she came...

 

CCL

[NoIDidn't]

CCL

 

The mental illness part makes me say talking to her is not going to be worth it, unless she's having an unusually introspective day when you do it.

 

I feel you on the bitterness and angry part. I didn't get angry with OW for over a year. And then it wasn't for the EA, it was because she wouldn't stay away.

 

Its normally felt to be cruel to exact revenge on someone with a mental illness. I'm not so sure. It really depends on the illness and how much control they have over their actions.

 

I am so sorry that it was your own sister that did this to you. I couldn't imagine.

 

((((CCL))))

[TOWinNYC]

What marriage doesn't have problems?

What long-term relationship doesn't run into disagreements? NONE! Not one!!!

Ahahahahahaha!

 

SO IT IS THE FAULT OF THE BS THAT THEIR SPOUSE IS CHEATING ON THEM?

 

Ahahahahahahaha!

 

Spark, where did I say it's the BS's FAULT that their spouse is cheating on them?

 

I was merely pointing out that there are TWO PEOPLE in a marriage and the "state of the marriage" is a responsibility that falls on them BOTH. You're right, every relationship has problems and disagreements - whether they are miniscule or enormous is up to the two people involved.

 

And NO, the BS didn’t “make” the WS cheat. That was a decision that the WS undertook all by themselves.

 

But if the walls of the M can be breached so easily, there’s a problem between the two people in the M.

 

YOU CANNOT MAKE A PERSON WHO IS IN A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP CHEAT. Period. (unless they’re serial cheaters – a whole different ball of wax)

 

TOWinNYC, are you purposely trying to prove the selfish, self-entitled stereotype of of the narcissitic OW is actually true with this post?

 

Or are you just quoting that old chestnut from the OW play guide?

 

How does stating the above make me selfish, self-entitled and narcissistic?

 

Doesn't my observation not even hold an OUNCE of truth? Think about it.

 

How old are you?

 

Are you a troll?

 

And, what does it matter how old I am?

And no I am not a troll.

[TOWinNYC]

And your affair with your MM is just doing wonders for that marriage of his! It's really getting revenge on that mean, unloving wife of his. It is truly identifying the problems in that marriage and really helping to improve the interaction, connection; sustaining and nurturing both parties.

 

Ahahahahahahahaha!

 

I have no idea what my A is doing for his M.

His M is not my problem.

My concern is what makes ME happy.

(and I could care less about "getting revenge" on anybody)

 

As for identifying problems in a M (and I say this as a GENERAL statement, not personal as in: relating to my situation) - IMO, no, I don't think A's improve the interaction, connection, communication within the M. These are the things that should have been worked on PRIOR, when the issues were molehills instead of mountains.

 

P.S. What's with all the weird laughter?

[TOWinNYC]

What a shame for you the stats are so skewed not in your favor!

 

What, that when the BS is the H a D usually happens but not vice versa?

 

That's okay - I'm not worrying about it and neither should you.

[TOWinNYC]

Why do some OW always assume that the BS thinks the affair was the only problem in the marriage?

 

Can you please explain this to me? I'm not trying to be snarky, I want to understand.

 

Hi SF,

I’m not assuming anything. I was responding to a post that stated that “The AFFAIR is a problem that has inserted itself into the marriage”.

 

But honestly, those who have been on LS long enough have seen all different angles of the same story. And there ARE people out there who actually say “We had a good marriage - why did he cheat?”

 

And my response to that is (and this is ONLY pertaining to Long-Term-Affairs, not One-Night-Stands) you cannot make a person who is happy in their relationship cheat.

 

I don’t claim to know what kind of dynamics go on in a particular M or what the WS feels is missing and trying to fulfill - but the AP is doing SOMETHING for the WS (and vice versa) that keeps the A alive.

[NoIDidn't]

Hi SF,

I’m not assuming anything. I was responding to a post that stated that “The AFFAIR is a problem that has inserted itself into the marriage”.

 

But honestly, those who have been on LS long enough have seen all different angles of the same story. And there ARE people out there who actually say “We had a good marriage - why did he cheat?”

 

And my response to that is (and this is ONLY pertaining to Long-Term-Affairs, not One-Night-Stands) you cannot make a person who is happy in their relationship cheat.

 

I don’t claim to know what kind of dynamics go on in a particular M or what the WS feels is missing and trying to fulfill - but the AP is doing SOMETHING for the WS (and vice versa) that keeps the A alive.

 

Are you stating that the OW does, in fact, make the MM cheat - based on his unhappy marriage?

 

That would be totally crappy behavior in my book. Its one thing to participate in cheating, quite another to 'make' it happen.

 

Why the exception to one-night stands and short affairs? All the same to some. A lack of self-control and boundaries. What's so special about LTAs other than the obvious issues of the people in them?

[TOWinNYC]

Lets get something straight here:

 

1) The ORIGINAL POST stated that there was an OW who had “feelings of revenge” (after being thrown under the bus) towards the MM, BS and the M, and had gotten support. Yet when the BS has the same “feelings of revenge” they get maligned.

 

The original post basically said that nobody has a leg up (so to speak) and no camp has a “greater right to ownership of vengeful feelings”.

 

This was a post I found very interesting and agree with.

 

2) There was a reply and the poster said that he didn’t understand the “OP’s anger at the BW” and “never understood the OM/OW’s anger overall against the BS’s in general”.

 

Followed by another poster who said “Hopefully one of the helpful OM/OW will come over here and explain this anger“.

 

Which is why I gave a POSSIBLE EXPLANATION as to where the anger may be coming from via the OW/OM P.O.V.

 

I did NOT say this was what I personally felt or experienced.

 

Just in case you don't understand your own thoughts...

You are saying that a BS targets their anger towards the OW/OM because they MISTAKENLY believe that that OW/OM have inserted themselves in to the M but then you said that the AP's are in it because they WANT to be.

So exactly what is it that is MISTAKENLY BELIEVED TO BE THE PROBLEM WHEN IN FACT YOU HAVE JUST ADMITTED TO WANTING TO BE IN BETWEEN THEIR M????

 

No you have it wrong. What I said was, just like SOME OW/OM may mistakenly believe that the BS is an “obstacle”, there are SOME BS who think the AP is the “problem” in the M.

 

The problem is not the AFFAIR. The problem is whatever dynamic existed in the M prior to the A, whatever caused the walls of the M to be breached so easily.

 

Saying "the A exists because the two people WANT to be there", is literally just that. IMO just because a person is in an A doesn't mean they are "admitting to wanting to be in between a M" (although granted, there probably are APs who think this).

 

The A is a separate entity. Just as the M is a separate entity. Although "the triangle" is commonly used to illustrate the situation, the only thing that connects the AP & BS is the WS. There is no line between the AP & BS (unless it's after DDay).

 

Or you are conveniently forgetting to mention that a BS can ALSO direct their anger to BOTH parties involved in an A, so you can deliver your routine agenda?

 

Once again, I didn’t “conveniently” forget that anger may be directed towards the WS. I was giving a different perspective to why the AP might have “feelings of revenge” and/or “anger” towards the BS.

 

And please tell me, what is my “routine agenda”?

 

You want to believe what you want to believe. That's fine but stop speaking from a place that you do not stand. You are not your MM's W, to be representing her POV as your own. Either that or cut out your attacks towards a specific class or else you will be considered a troll.

 

Okay - so you’re saying that because I didn’t personally experience it, that specific P.O.V. doesn’t count AT ALL? You're telling me that my experience with a friend/BS who said exactly that (that the A was the problem, not their M) is non-existent?

 

I know.... I know... You and him were together back in the days. That only stretches past the opening 100 first posts. Listen, if you are so against "BS's" then stop making one out of another female. Tell your MM to bail out already.

 

I’m not against BS’s. I have a lot of sympathy for a lot of them (thanks to LS). But I'll be honest, I'm not crying over the fact that I'm "making one out of another female”.

 

I know where I stand with my SO and I know what I want (thanks to LS and the advice I’ve gotten). He and I have a plan and we’re going to stick it. I’ll keep you posted.

[TOWinNYC]

Interesting concept. Not a problem for AP/WS. :confused:That must be why they lie, deceive and hide because the affair ISN'T problem. Yet so many continue to seek the problem that isn't a problem. HMMMM sounds a bit mental..but okay.

 

Well, I do think the WS lies, deceives and hides things - but it's to keep the A going because the A is a Pleasurable Thing. No one would go through that kind of contortion for "a problem".

 

Human beings "continue to seek" things that feel good and are pleasurable. NOT things that feel bad and hurt (unless you're a masochist). Trust me, the AP & WS don't think the A is a problem - although I think it becomes a problem if DDay happens.

 

And the BS only THINKS it's a problem. Wow what are they thinking? It shouldn't be a problem. Sometimes I believe affairs are a coping mechanism for marital problems. Yet sometimes the marital problems are consequence of cheating. But I think your point of view is more easily digested by WS and AP than a personal liability for those involved in the affairs.

 

BNB - I agree with the above underlined sentence.

 

I know that not ALL BS's are like this but I've dealt with a BS who took NO OWNERSHIP in her part in the M and it's deterioration. And it drove me nuts. So my stance (I admit) is a bit skewed.

 

I'm not saying this gave her H the excuse to cheat - that's not what I'm saying at all. But I could see WHY he did it.

[TOWinNYC]

TOW, I love dissenting opinions but please don't interject your version of what you think a BW thinks...unless you have been one yourself.

 

SF - I have never been a BW, you're right about that. But when it comes to "knowing what the BW thinks", that is not something I've created out of thin air.

 

I'm not saying my posts are what ALL BS's think - but I've been privy to some "BW thoughts" IRL and that is the viewpoint I put out here on LS. I admit those viewpoints were not personally experienced but if I heard it "come out of the horse's mouth", doesn't it hold some value?

 

It's as bad as me trying to speak from an OW's POV (I've never been one) and making assumptive statements about OW.

 

But if you heard a specific POV's from a OW you know IRL - would you refrain from posting those things here on LS? It wouldn't be an assumption, it would be fact. So is it less valid because you didn't "experience" it yourself?

 

Let's chat here but please don't pretend to know what a BW is thinking or assuming about marriages and affairs.

 

Friends?

 

I don't know what every single BW is thinking - only the ones who have talked to me about it. I don't assume things about every single M out there either - I can only go by the ones I've seen first hand and discussed with the person involved in the M.

 

But I WILL assume I know "something" about A's, if only because I'm involved with my SO.

 

And friends, of course.

[GordonDarkfoot]

I have no idea what my A is doing for his M.

 

None?

 

His M is not my problem.

 

When we truly love someone else, their problems become our problems.

 

 

My concern is what makes ME happy.

 

First you have to figure out what that is.