Revenge? Who Has the right?

[Snowflower]

You want to believe what you want to believe. That's fine but stop speaking from a place that you do not stand. You are not your MM's W, to be representing her POV as your own. Either that or cut out your attacks towards a specific class or else you will be considered a troll.

 

 

Great post (and shoes!) Mimo.

 

TOW, I love dissenting opinions but please don't interject your version of what you think a BW thinks...unless you have been one yourself.

 

It's as bad as me trying to speak from an OW's POV (I've never been one) and making assumptive statements about OW.

 

Let's chat here but please don't pretend to know what a BW is thinking or assuming about marriages and affairs.

 

Friends?

[Mimolicious]

Great post (and shoes!) Mimo.

 

TOW, I love dissenting opinions but please don't interject your version of what you think a BW thinks...unless you have been one yourself.

 

It's as bad as me trying to speak from an OW's POV (I've never been one) and making assumptive statements about OW.

 

Let's chat here but please don't pretend to know what a BW is thinking or assuming about marriages and affairs.

 

Friends?

 

Oh why thank you! Maybe you I can come over with my bling boots and you can share some bubbly!

 

These are not even assumptive statements. These are attacks, insults and unbiased opinion. Ok, we get it! you want your position to be validated, good for you but not at the expense of you making derrogatory comments towards others. It's not highly tolerated when a "BS" goes to the OW/OM forum and voices her opinion in this manner, so why should be swallowed time after time from this particular poster!?!??!

 

Keep it up and very few will be the ones to tune you in...

 

Who died and left anyone God here, anyway?

 

This whole revenge, get even, I win, you lose, he's mine, she's yours, it's RETARDED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If someone doesn't want to be with you, then wave them good-bye! If someone want to be with you, then why aren't they? The rest is all excuses! Last I checked another living soul is not my oxygen tank. ANYONE CAN BE REPLACED!- Mimolicious, PROUD fBS!

 

HOLLA!

[GordonDarkfoot]

One person's revenge is another person's justice.

 

The BS is entitled to justice.

 

And justice can be a very very harsh taskmaster.

[GordonDarkfoot]

I held his W just as accountable for his A because of the marital strife "she" had caused.

 

Assuming the W has transgressed in the marriage, and is deserving of being held to account for it, even punished for it, does not translate to the H having sex outside the marriage.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Assuming the W has transgressed in the marriage, and is deserving of being held to account for it, even punished for it, does not translate to the H having sex outside the marriage.

 

 

Amen! And thats all thats got to be said for that!

[Spark1111]

Great post (and shoes!) Mimo.

 

TOW, I love dissenting opinions but please don't interject your version of what you think a BW thinks...unless you have been one yourself.

 

It's as bad as me trying to speak from an OW's POV (I've never been one) and making assumptive statements about OW.

 

Let's chat here but please don't pretend to know what a BW is thinking or assuming about marriages and affairs.

 

Friends?

 

Snow, I agree! The presumptions of what a BS must be thinking and feeling are often outrageuos!

 

We are the enemy! We manipulate and interfere with all that affair fun, we are responsible for it by not being loving, caring nurturers of that amazing H who has deemed it his right to lie and cheat and decieve us while he boffs another IN SECRET.

 

It musta been my fault. I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING TERRIBLE DESERVE THIS LUNACY.

 

So why is my fWS here? Especially when I told him to go...be with her....don't let the door hit you in the aZZ! GO have your fun. Kids are grown, I make my own money, so keep your's.

 

Call the lawyer when your ready. No fight.

 

Why is he still here? In this miserable marriage with attila la Spark?

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Snow, I agree! The presumptions of what a BS must be thinking and feeling are often outrageuos!

 

We are the enemy! We manipulate and interfere with all that affair fun, we are responsible for it by not being loving, caring nurturers of that amazing H who has deemed it his right to lie and cheat and decieve us while he boffs another IN SECRET.

 

It musta been my fault. I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING TERRIBLE DESERVE THIS LUNACY.

 

So why is my fWS here? Especially when I told him to go...be with her....don't let the door hit you in the aZZ! GO have your fun. Kids are grown, I make my own money, so keep your's.

 

Call the lawyer when your ready. No fight.

 

Why is he still here? In this miserable marriage with attila la Spark?

 

 

Funny isnt it? We must be some evil wenches with no life huh? So ya'd think! Funny thing is most AP's seem to think that. We're miserable, ugly, and the REASON for the WS and their straying. Like hell its so hard to find a dude and screw him! SHEESH! Get over it is all I can say to the AP's. Sure our WS'S are azzholes for doing this crap to us..but we've also been with them for the last 10,15 and 20 years. If they really wanted out...they are big boys and can make those decisions on their own..as they made their own choices when they decided to screw a weak minded loser who was willing to give it up to a married man in the first place. That in my mind is WEAK!

 

Its simply..if he oh so loved and wanted his affair partner..then why the hell isnt he with her??? PERIOD! They arent thinking of their kids...wives..houses and money during the affair...so why is that the deal breaker when it comes to divorce?? Thats bullcrap!

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Its pretty simple and logical unless your dealing with a total major loser. If he wants you and only you...he would be with you. Not in a month from now..not in a year from now and not in 10 years from now! Simple!

[Snowflower]

Snow, I agree! The presumptions of what a BS must be thinking and feeling are often outrageuos!

 

We are the enemy! We manipulate and interfere with all that affair fun, we are responsible for it by not being loving, caring nurturers of that amazing H who has deemed it his right to lie and cheat and decieve us while he boffs another IN SECRET.

 

It musta been my fault. I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING TERRIBLE DESERVE THIS LUNACY.

 

So why is my fWS here? Especially when I told him to go...be with her....don't let the door hit you in the aZZ! GO have your fun. Kids are grown, I make my own money, so keep your's.

 

Call the lawyer when your ready. No fight.

 

Why is he still here? In this miserable marriage with attila la Spark?

 

Funny isnt it? We must be some evil wenches with no life huh? So ya'd think! Funny thing is most AP's seem to think that. We're miserable, ugly, and the REASON for the WS and their straying. Like hell its so hard to find a dude and screw him! SHEESH! Get over it is all I can say to the AP's. Sure our WS'S are azzholes for doing this crap to us..but we've also been with them for the last 10,15 and 20 years. If they really wanted out...they are big boys and can make those decisions on their own..as they made their own choices when they decided to screw a weak minded loser who was willing to give it up to a married man in the first place. That in my mind is WEAK!

 

Its simply..if he oh so loved and wanted his affair partner..then why the hell isnt he with her??? PERIOD! They arent thinking of their kids...wives..houses and money during the affair...so why is that the deal breaker when it comes to divorce?? Thats bullcrap!

 

Oh ladies, you made me laugh. (and the wine I'm drinking certainly helps).

 

But seriously, I think it is a sign of our healing when we can laugh like this about something so painful!

 

Yup, getting to a good place with things now.

[Spark1111]

Funny isnt it? We must be some evil wenches with no life huh? So ya'd think! Funny thing is most AP's seem to think that. We're miserable, ugly, and the REASON for the WS and their straying. Like hell its so hard to find a dude and screw him! SHEESH! Get over it is all I can say to the AP's. Sure our WS'S are azzholes for doing this crap to us..but we've also been with them for the last 10,15 and 20 years. If they really wanted out...they are big boys and can make those decisions on their own..as they made their own choices when they decided to screw a weak minded loser who was willing to give it up to a married man in the first place. That in my mind is WEAK!

 

Its simply..if he oh so loved and wanted his affair partner..then why the hell isnt he with her??? PERIOD! They arent thinking of their kids...wives..houses and money during the affair...so why is that the deal breaker when it comes to divorce?? Thats bullcrap!

 

Response to bolded:

 

A woman seeking a man for sex is like shooting fish in a barrel, IMHO.

 

I gave him carte blanch to be with her. It became the last thing he wanted. He begged me to reconcile FOR MONTHS. I was so not interested in being anyone's default choice, ESPECIALLY HIS.

 

And that is interesting Princess. Never thought of that before. They never did think of us, the kids, the money and assets during the affair, though they may have professed so to their AP. The truth of the sitch is that they basically NEGLECTED the wife, the kids, the house and the assets during the affair. We thought he was depressed he was soooooo not involved with ALL the things he was claiming to his AP were the reasons he could not commit to her forever.

 

THAT IS MY TRUTH. AND OUR CHILDREN WOULD ALSO ATTEST TO THE TRUTH OF THAT. PROBABLY HIS EMPLOYER TOO.

 

But IT does become the reasons for delaying divorce, ad nauseum, for years. Good Point.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Oh ladies, you made me laugh. (and the wine I'm drinking certainly helps).

 

But seriously, I think it is a sign of our healing when we can laugh like this about something so painful!

 

Yup, getting to a good place with things now.

 

Salute Snowflower! Hope your drinking red btw!

[seren]

The best revenge I can think of is to accept that s*** happened, learn from it, move on and have a glorious, happy marriage. Sure, at times it has been and probably at times will be hard, but oh so much more satisfying than letting it eat me up.

 

The OW tried revenge tactics by sending me copies of text messages, but it was too late, H had already given them to me. Tried phoning me and telling me he had died in Iraq by pretending to be from the military (that almost tipped me over the edge). But, after I contemplated all sorts of nastiness, it just made me feel sorry for her. That someone could knowingly hurt someone else just baffles me (as do A's).

 

I can understand OW/OM feeling let down when they have been fed XYZ by a MP, but I think that any relationship that isn't out and proud is suspect. Love should be shouted from the rooftops, by both, not hidden.

 

H and I were out for dinner one evening and OW and her H walked in, just as H was being smoochy, she looked floored, did I feel sorry for her? yes, did I feel smug? hell yes. But, her feelings aren't my responsibility now are they?

[Spark1111]

Oh ladies, you made me laugh. (and the wine I'm drinking certainly helps).

 

But seriously, I think it is a sign of our healing when we can laugh like this about something so painful!

 

Yup, getting to a good place with things now.

 

Glad you are laughing!

 

I believe men are EXACTLY where they want to be.

 

I know of a few exit affairs, and those men had moved out and filed for D within MONTHS of meeting their new partner.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Response to bolded:

 

A woman seeking a man for sex is like shooting fish in a barrel, IMHO.

 

I gave him carte blanch to be with her. It became the last thing he wanted. He begged me to reconcile FOR MONTHS. I was so not interested in being anyone's default choice, ESPECIALLY HIS.

 

And that is interesting Princess. Never thought of that before. They never did think of us, the kids, the money and assets during the affair, though they may have professed so to their AP. The truth of the sitch is that they basically NEGLECTED the wife, the kids, the house and the assets during the affair. We thought he was depressed he was soooooo not involved with ALL the things he was claiming to his AP were the reasons he could not commit to her forever.

 

THAT IS MY TRUTH. AND OUR CHILDREN WOULD ALSO ATTEST TO THE TRUTH OF THAT. PROBABLY HIS EMPLOYER TOO.

 

But IT does become the reasons for delaying divorce, ad nauseum, for years. Good Point.

 

 

Thats EXACTLY the same case with me. To a T!!! Blamed mid-life..reading online what the hell I am doing to cause his hostility towards me..even posted a thread on here back in December..wondering what the hell is up this mans azz..and how I can try to fix it! Hell if I knew a phone number would reveal everything! Sheesh!

[Spark1111]

The best revenge I can think of is to accept that s*** happened, learn from it, move on and have a glorious, happy marriage. Sure, at times it has been and probably at times will be hard, but oh so much more satisfying than letting it eat me up.

 

I so agree with this. Although it took me sooo long to re-commit to this man and I DID put him through hell everyday, for which now, I feel badly. I had a bag packed and a foot out the door for a long, long time.

 

The OW tried revenge tactics by sending me copies of text messages, but it was too late, H had already given them to me. Tried phoning me and telling me he had died in Iraq by pretending to be from the military (that almost tipped me over the edge). But, after I contemplated all sorts of nastiness, it just made me feel sorry for her. That someone could knowingly hurt someone else just baffles me (as do A's).

 

Seren, that might take the cake as the most vindictive, vengeful act I have ever heard of. Yet, you forgave her!

 

I can understand OW/OM feeling let down when they have been fed XYZ by a MP, but I think that any relationship that isn't out and proud is suspect. Love should be shouted from the rooftops, by both, not hidden.

 

ME TOO! Own your choices and your actions. Why hide it?

 

H and I were out for dinner one evening and OW and her H walked in, just as H was being smoochy, she looked floored, did I feel sorry for her? yes, did I feel smug? hell yes. But, her feelings aren't my responsibility now are they?

 

No they are not. And I am amazed, after she tried to inform you he had died in Iraq, that you harbored no revenge fantasies towards her.

[Snowflower]

The best revenge I can think of is to accept that s*** happened, learn from it, move on and have a glorious, happy marriage. Sure, at times it has been and probably at times will be hard, but oh so much more satisfying than letting it eat me up.

 

Boy, isn't that the truth! I learned a lot about myself, about relationships and people in general. It's invaluable knowledge that serves me well in my friendships, my family relationships and my career. I'm grateful for this knowledge because I feel I operate on a different level than a lot of people. (not meaning to sound arrogant). I work in the public sector so it is useful.

 

The OW tried revenge tactics by sending me copies of text messages, but it was too late, H had already given them to me. Tried phoning me and telling me he had died in Iraq by pretending to be from the military (that almost tipped me over the edge). But, after I contemplated all sorts of nastiness, it just made me feel sorry for her. That someone could knowingly hurt someone else just baffles me (as do A's).

That is awful. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. One thing I can be glad about in my situation is that the OW left us alone once my H made it clear that there was going to be no future for them. I felt kind of sorry for her because she was separated from her now xH and it was around the holidays. But, she did leave us alone aside from a few attempts to re-establish a friendship with him through their jobs.

I can understand OW/OM feeling let down when they have been fed XYZ by a MP, but I think that any relationship that isn't out and proud is suspect. Love should be shouted from the rooftops, by both, not hidden.

 

H and I were out for dinner one evening and OW and her H walked in, just as H was being smoochy, she looked floored, did I feel sorry for her? yes, did I feel smug? hell yes. But, her feelings aren't my responsibility now are they?

I feel sorry for her BH. And you're exactly right, her feelings are not your responsibility.

 

I'm glad you and your H are doing well.

[Snowflower]

Glad you are laughing!

 

I believe men are EXACTLY where they want to be.

 

I know of a few exit affairs, and those men had moved out and filed for D within MONTHS of meeting their new partner.

 

Yes, men are exactly where they want to be. I envy them for that...it's us women that make it complicated sometimes. It's a lesson I've learned...it kind of follows that whole "he's just not that into you" idea. I'm trying to teach my teenage daughter that yes, boys are easy to figure out. If they like you, it's obvious in the way they treat you.

 

Yes, I've known of exit affairs, some within my own family. The guy left his first wife and their very young son...and has since been married to his new wife (former OW) for many years. The first wife remarried, had more children and is happy. The son (now an adult) maintained a good relationship with his Dad. It worked out very well. I never knew all this until my mom shared it with me after I had found out about my husband's affair.

 

Like you Spark, I told my H after d-day to go find happiness since at that time it appeared our marriage had made him so unhappy (the old unhappy marriage excuse ). He wouldn't quit calling me (we were separated) and he begged me not to file for divorce. Hmmm...men are where they want to be!

 

BTW, I'm drinking Chardonnay at the moment...it's summer!

[seren]

I thought H had died for about 2 hours, phoned military contact and they arranged for H to speak to me, worse things was our son thought so too. I initially wanted to kill her, literally, not for being the OW, but for hurting my son and me and for putting H through yet more stress while he was out there. But, after I had calmed down, it just made me realise that she wanted and needed my hurt so very bad, and there was no way on this planet I would give that to her.

 

So, my revenge is to love and be loved and to make sure that each and every day that I am in control of my happiness and to be so very glad that I am not bitter and twisted. It also compounded what I thought and knew of her, but I have spoken with her since and she is nothing to me. Which is just about the best revenge I can think of. I think so many (not all) OW/OM assume our marriage's after D Day are all angst filled and can never be the same, that we can never achieve happiness, I also think a lot of OW/OM thoughts of revenge are because our marriages are successful despite an A, and in many cases, become closer and more loving. Many have been fed a line and expected to have that with our MM, but D Day being the great leveller it is, just puts it all into perspective.

 

Had H stayed with OW, then I would still have lived a full life, wished him well, loved him always, but my revenge would have been to live a good life.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Glad you are laughing!

 

I believe men are EXACTLY where they want to be.

 

I know of a few exit affairs, and those men had moved out and filed for D within MONTHS of meeting their new partner.

 

 

And that is the truth for men who REALLY want out! Others are just using the OW and the BS for their own selfish needs...but it also takes 2 to tango..and the OW/OM owns that 50 percent as well. In no way does the BS own anything with the affair! Funny how the AP's at the end of the A say...oh now his wife can deal with the aftermath...

[NoIDidn't]

[/b]

 

 

And that is the truth for men who REALLY want out! Others are just using the OW and the BS for their own selfish needs...but it also takes 2 to tango..and the OW/OM owns that 50 percent as well. In no way does the BS own anything with the affair! Funny how the AP's at the end of the A say...oh now his wife can deal with the aftermath...

 

Its really part of the OP usual tactic of not taking responsibility for anything knowing full well they helped cause the issues it creates.

[Snowflower]

Thats EXACTLY the same case with me. To a T!!! Blamed mid-life..reading online what the hell I am doing to cause his hostility towards me..even posted a thread on here back in December..wondering what the hell is up this mans azz..and how I can try to fix it! Hell if I knew a phone number would reveal everything! Sheesh!

 

I can definitely relate. I wish I had found LS back then.

 

How is your marriage now, if I may ask?

[Snowflower]

Its really part of the OP usual tactic of not taking responsibility for anything knowing full well they helped cause the issues it creates.

 

Oh yes, and that is obvious from some of the AP posts here.

 

I don't usually talk about this, but I went through a stage where I hoped the xOW in my situation would contact me to say that she was sorry for the hurt that she caused. Anything so that I knew that she was a person with feelings. I never spoke to her and neither did my H.

 

She left us alone so maybe that was her way.

 

Now, I just feel pity for her.

[seren]

I was brought up by good old Unitarian/Quaker parents, forgiveness was a byword. I admit to feeling proud and rather smug that I can forgive and it isn't always altruistic believe me. I think that while the A was ongoing it was being done TO me, after D Day and me being in full knowledge of the facts meant that I had choices. OW had none, it was a case of OW? what OW. I can understand how this can hurt someone, but for any OW/M to think that revenge directed toward the BS is even remotely acceptable just doesn't make any sense at all. Revenge toward the BS because they and THEIR MM are sorting out their marriage? Revenge toward the MP? what for? for lying, well A's are based on lies so why be surprised, unless the old adage of They wouldn't lie to me holds true. Revenge because they have been rejected? well, IMO, rejection started when the relationship was hidden, I cannot (with very few exceptions) understand how any love affair (I use the term affair loosely) can thrive when hidden. If you love someone you leave, end of, not when (insert XYZ) but when love is professed and taken as given by the other person. How the hell can anyone share their loved one? Even if it isn't sex, just day to day sharing.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I can definitely relate. I wish I had found LS back then.

 

How is your marriage now, if I may ask?

 

 

Things are progressing in a positive way I might say. This is a trial run I seem to think..or maybe something I am somewhat dealing with on a day to day basis at this point. I am still hurt..and yet still go about my life and doing the things I enjoyed doing pre-affair. I do know the affair is beyond anyones control at this point...and somehow our communication has been opened greatly because of it. Mind you there are real bad days when I let the odd "go to your bitches house" slip out..but hell I'm only human right?

 

lol..oddly enough though...I am coming out of this a stronger person..and for that I thank the 2 idiots for it!

[Spark1111]

Yes, men are exactly where they want to be. I envy them for that...it's us women that make it complicated sometimes. It's a lesson I've learned...it kind of follows that whole "he's just not that into you" idea. I'm trying to teach my teenage daughter that yes, boys are easy to figure out. If they like you, it's obvious in the way they treat you.

 

Yes, I've known of exit affairs, some within my own family. The guy left his first wife and their very young son...and has since been married to his new wife (former OW) for many years. The first wife remarried, had more children and is happy. The son (now an adult) maintained a good relationship with his Dad. It worked out very well. I never knew all this until my mom shared it with me after I had found out about my husband's affair.

 

Like you Spark, I told my H after d-day to go find happiness since at that time it appeared our marriage had made him so unhappy (the old unhappy marriage excuse ). He wouldn't quit calling me (we were separated) and he begged me not to file for divorce. Hmmm...men are where they want to be!

 

BTW, I'm drinking Chardonnay at the moment...it's summer!

 

Me too! While devasted, I encouraged him to find his happiness elsewhere if he had been so unhappy Who knew? Not me. But now that he had found his soulmate, who was I to stop him? I wanted the opportunity to find my own.

 

Well, calls, texts, stopping by, begging me to dinner and lunches, tears, Stalking, literally stalking me to ensure I wasn't with anyone else! Trying to tear my clothes off at the end of every encounter. And I wasn't having it, not any of it for a very, very long time.

 

During this time, I believe in an attempt to let his OW down gently, he NEVER DIVULGED THE FREEDOM I GAVE HIM TO BE WITH HIS SOULMATE. I'm not sure how he spun it to her. I told him he was a coward in how he treated her too! I too felt sorry for her. Cannot still fathom why she had such comtempt in her voice when I finally spoke to her 2.5 years later.

 

So give me a break. Do not assume you know what all BS's do or will do, or what they are doing after DDay, ESPECIALLY based on what the MM is telling you.

 

I, in honor of summer, have a Pinot Grigio in hand! But other times, it is always an Italian Red!