Revenge? Who Has the right?

[Snowflower]

I only wondered how she could have "enabled", (great word Donna!) him to do to me what had been done to her by her xH who went on to marry his last OW, about which she was still bitter.

 

But wish revenge on her had he chosen her? No, not me at all.

 

Enabler is a great word and one that fits, IMO.

 

Okay Spark, have you ever thought that her A with your husband was a form of revenge for her against her xH? If so, it goes to prove that revenge hurts the one seeking it the most.

 

And unfortunately, you got the lousy end of the deal as the BW?

[Spark1111]

Oh, I think this is absolutely the case most of the time.

 

The BS has been so minimized by the WS and eventually by the AP that when the gig is up (D-day), the BS's emotions actually don't even make sense to the WS, much less the AP.

 

I remember after d-day in my situation, that once I knew pretty much everything, I could actually feel the minimization by my H and to a lesser extent, the AP.

 

A few days after he confessed the A, My H (in his confusion) forwarded me a text from the OW where she was asking, "why did you tell her (me), why does she have to know everything? As I look back on it, it shows how she didn't even consider me a person with feelings at all. Just wow...scary affair fog thinking.

 

I also felt the minimization by my H firsthand...how he considered others (not his OW) and their thoughts before he considered mine...his SIL, his new roommate (a guy he moved in with while we were separated), etc. Everyone else mattered more at that point...I was completely minimized. It hurt more than anything.

 

It's like during the A, the BS isn't even a person and then suddenly after D-day, it is very obvious that the BS is a real, living person with their own agenda (whatever that may be). And I think that is where the anger comes from.

 

Great, great post Snowflower!

 

I, too, lived a very similiar scenario.

 

First words out of my H's mouth: "Please do not tell anyone." I told quite a few why I believed our marriage was over.

 

Second stupidity: "I forgot you loved me."

 

No, you wanted to forget how much I loved you. Now you cannot deal with the shame of how much everyone else knew how much I loved you. They are aghast at your actions.

 

Oh, and the OW told him many, many times, "Don't worry. She'll never find out about _fill in the blank._

 

Bottom line: When I discovered her existance, I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I figured she had to be somewhat like me because attraction to type is the norm for men.

 

Why didn't she give me the same benefit of doubt? Does it only work if I am minimized?

 

That is just to shallow and self-serving, IMHO.

 

He chased me, wooed me, had babies with me. Wouldn't a smart woman say to herself, "she must be a lot like me?" Attraction to type.

[Spark1111]

Enabler is a great word and one that fits, IMO.

 

Okay Spark, have you ever thought that her A with your husband was a form of revenge for her against her xH? If so, it goes to prove that revenge hurts the one seeking it the most.

 

And unfortunately, you got the lousy end of the deal as the BW?

 

No, not inititally. Not at all.

 

I felt she was a vulnerable single mom, lonely, who got cuaght up in his mid-life crisis of wanting to be an admired big shot after a long and difficult time for him and our marriage.

 

But in time, as more and more pieces were put into place, and as I discussed this with my counselor, yes definitely.

 

Revenge affairs do exist. It is a means to gain empowerment when once (still?) feeling so powerless by events outside one's control.

 

Sorta like the schoolyard bully. We know he is not born that way. We know somewhere in his life, whether it be school or home, he is feeling powerless.

[jwi71]

I just realized you mentioned the WS too. Well, they too are human and capable of harboring thoughts of revenge of course. But I am not sure against whom they would be holding such thoughts in an affair scenario. The OW - for informing the BS? The BS - for...?

 

I totally lived this.

 

I was the BS and my now xWW HATED me for YEARS for divorcing her.

I still, though rarely now, get blamed for the state of her life.

She no longer has a 65K car because I D her (she traded down to 3 series and still cant afford it)

No big house because I D her (1 bdr apt and she sleeps in living room).

No easy life because I D her (being single parent is HARD).

 

Its still all my fault.

 

So, here I am , the BS, getting wrath from the WS because I D her.

 

Effed up huh?

 

I'll say it again...people who WANT a D get one. People who WANT an A get one. Most WS don't WANT a D regardless of the BS (not betrayed spouse) they spew.

 

Mine, wanted an A. NOT a D. And boy was she unhappy about it.

[donnamaybe]

When I was an OW I couldn't (or didn't want to) separate the A from the marital problems at home. I held his W just as accountable for his A because of the marital strife "she" had caused.

 

Yes, she is probably just as responsible for a fair share of their marital problems. But he chose to cheat on her. One does not justify the other. It takes time to see that with clarity, believe me. I wouldn't expect many OP's to get that until a later time.

 

If you recognize that the BS is a victim in the cheating scenario, you have to accept true accountability for your participation in hurting someone. While it is not "easier", it is more advantageous for the OP to attribute the cheating to the BS's actions or lack thereof to somewhat level the playing field assisting in absolving the OP's guilt and culpability.

 

I'm not saying this is a calculated play on the OP's part. It's a normal part of the searching for rationalization and justification for one's own actions. It's a way of deflecting and minimizing culpability.

Oh, I totally get that, and this is all based on the assumption that "My MM would NEVER lie to me," therefore they belive all these awful stories about the W and the M.

[Spark1111]

When I was an OW I couldn't (or didn't want to) separate the A from the marital problems at home. I held his W just as accountable for his A because of the marital strife "she" had caused.

 

Yes, she is probably just as responsible for a fair share of their marital problems. But he chose to cheat on her. One does not justify the other. It takes time to see that with clarity, believe me. I wouldn't expect many OP's to get that until a later time.

 

If you recognize that the BS is a victim in the cheating scenario, you have to accept true accountability for your participation in hurting someone. While it is not "easier", it is more advantageous for the OP to attribute the cheating to the BS's actions or lack thereof to somewhat level the playing field assisting in absolving the OP's guilt and culpability.

 

I'm not saying this is a calculated play on the OP's part. It's a normal part of the searching for rationalization and justification for one's own actions. It's a way of deflecting and minimizing culpability.

 

Great, great post! Very honest, SIT.

 

But, again, WHO TOLD YOU about the marital strife and problems?

 

How did you know it was true?

 

Because you really did not know if it was true.

 

You NEEDED to believe it was true.

 

And to me, that is the necessary component to initiate the affair. A true denial of what may really be true for self-gratification.

 

I get that.

 

But I wouldn't hate you for it. Yet, so many BS are blamed to nth degree for just about everything wrong in the marriage.

 

It's ironic, isn't it?

 

Who wants to be 100% blamed for any relationship involving 2 people.

[Snowflower]

When I was an OW I couldn't (or didn't want to) separate the A from the marital problems at home. I held his W just as accountable for his A because of the marital strife "she" had caused.

Yes, she is probably just as responsible for a fair share of their marital problems. But he chose to cheat on her. One does not justify the other. It takes time to see that with clarity, believe me. I wouldn't expect many OP's to get that until a later time.

 

If you recognize that the BS is a victim in the cheating scenario, you have to accept true accountability for your participation in hurting someone. While it is not "easier", it is more advantageous for the OP to attribute the cheating to the BS's actions or lack thereof to somewhat level the playing field assisting in absolving the OP's guilt and culpability.

 

I'm not saying this is a calculated play on the OP's part. It's a normal part of the searching for rationalization and justification for one's own actions. It's a way of deflecting and minimizing culpability.

 

Wow, thank you for sharing this viewpoint in such a candid way, SIT.

 

The part that I bolded is really relevant for me. I have admitted many times that my pre-affair marriage had its issues. My H admitted that he talked about these issues with the OW and her responses. Now, of course I'm hearing her responses second hand through my H, but what was said did make sense so I think it is truthful.

 

She didn't know me so she based her thoughts about me as a person based on one-sided information. Sort of like believing gossip about someone you have never met.

 

As I have healed from all this and have a new understanding of relationships and human frailty, I think you are right on the money. Once you can own what you have done, you no longer have to place blame on others-such as the xOP blaming the BS for trying to keep the marriage.

 

Great post and thank you for what you wrote. I wish you were the OW in my situation because you sound like a good person.

[Snowflower]

I totally lived this.

 

I was the BS and my now xWW HATED me for YEARS for divorcing her.

I still, though rarely now, get blamed for the state of her life.

She no longer has a 65K car because I D her (she traded down to 3 series and still cant afford it)

No big house because I D her (1 bdr apt and she sleeps in living room).

No easy life because I D her (being single parent is HARD).

 

Its still all my fault.

 

 

It sounds like you did the right thing in divorcing her.

 

From what you have written, she still hasn't accepted responsibility for her actions and honestly, she is probably mostly mad at HERSELF for screwing up her life.

 

She had a nice life with you and if she hadn't cheated, you would have still been married to her, right? She knows that she is to blame for her bad, painful choices but won't admit it to herself.

 

People like this never learn from their bad decisions.

[Mimolicious]

True, Bent!

 

I realized very quickly that revenge would reduce me to a person I was not, and ultimately would make me feel a whole lot worse, not better about both myself and the situation.

 

Like jthorne's quote: "When you embark on the journey for revenge, dig two graves."

 

But this was also followed by: "These 2 graves must be for the MM and BS". *shacking my head*

 

Not going to oust it or else this will become a trending thread.

 

Anyone is entitled to feel and do as they please. Does that make their actions justifiable? No, but their anger, yes. If we all acted our feelings out, we would have more need for final resting places than a mailing addresses.

 

With all due respect, the other thread was straight up kiddish. The shallowness and motives were out of an episode on 90210 (the new version).

 

 

Snow-

As I look back on it, it shows how she didn't even consider me a person with feelings at all. Just wow...scary affair fog thinking.

 

WOW is right!

 

I see it this way, when a MM/MW and OW/OM are in the heat of the moment, living out their passion THEY DONT GIVE A FACK ABOUT ANYBODY BUT THEMSELVES, THEIR VA-JAY-JAY & SLONG!! PLAIN AND SIMPLE!!!

 

Once ish hits the fan it is not all about the fun times, the warm and fuzzy feelings and the "sparks" anymore. All of the sudden is like "breaking news" that there is one (in some cases more than one) person that is truly affected in a very negative way. You (the BS) become the party crasher, sort of like a nuisance and inconvenient to those who DON'T GIVE A FACK about you, not even simply as a human being.

 

I am appalled by the behavior of some people here. How they justify their actions by basically pointing the finger at someone that was NOT taken into consideration, to begin with. Also, how their opinion is in one dimension form. This is simply hipocritical and not exactly unbiased. Punk yourselves all you want.

 

Revenge- who has the right? IMHO- (and this is to whoever wants to waste their time acting it out) makes the little "right" you had into something VERY wrong.

 

Leave it to the universe. People get what they deserve and it comes back like a boomerang.

 

My greatest revenge? He is now hers to keep! She relieved me from misery and set me free to find peace, love and loyalty. They took my beliefs for weakness but made me stronger than they can afford. I sleep well at night! Now if that is not revenge, then I am not interested in anything else that doesn't come in this form of it- it is SWEET!

 

Live and let God...

[Spark1111]

I totally lived this.

 

I was the BS and my now xWW HATED me for YEARS for divorcing her.

I still, though rarely now, get blamed for the state of her life.

She no longer has a 65K car because I D her (she traded down to 3 series and still cant afford it)

No big house because I D her (1 bdr apt and she sleeps in living room).

No easy life because I D her (being single parent is HARD).

 

Its still all my fault.

 

So, here I am , the BS, getting wrath from the WS because I D her.

 

Effed up huh?

 

I'll say it again...people who WANT a D get one. People who WANT an A get one. Most WS don't WANT a D regardless of the BS (not betrayed spouse) they spew.

 

Mine, wanted an A. NOT a D. And boy was she unhappy about it.

 

Thank you, jwi, for living the point that sometimes the BS is villianized for being victimized, again and and again and again.

[TOWinNYC]

And...on that other thread, I couldn't understand the OP's anger at the BW. I've also never really understood the OM/OW's anger overall against the BS's in general...especially when there's never been any kind of direct contact or direct contention between them. Now...if there'd been a threatening phone call or something...that's a little different.

 

I think there are OW/OM out there who mistakenly believe (somehow or another) the BS is the "obstacle" to getting what they want (their AP, the MM or MW).

 

I think some OW/OM believe that after DDay (or even prior to it), if the MM/MW doesn't turn towards them it must be because the BS creating "interference". Thus the anger directed towards the "problem".

 

But I also think the flipside is true.

 

If the A continues after DDay, there are some BS's who would direct their anger towards the OW/OM because they mistakenly believe the OW/OM is the "problem" that has inserted themselves into the M.

 

But the truth is, the A continues because the two people in it WANT IT TO CONTINUE.

[Spark1111]

Here's what's interesting. He didn't bad mouth her as much as I took what he did say and magnified it to further villianize her in my own mind. Again, it wasn't calculated on my part. I think subconsciously it was a way for me to justify being where I was...physically as well as emotionally.

 

Yes, my OW did the same. He told her we rarely to never had sex (haha!) because he did not want her to be "disappointed." (Translation = No sex for him.) She tried to convince him that I must then have a lover on the side. If this isn't the height of delusional communication, I don't know what is.

 

So I took it a step further than just believing what HE said. I suspect many OP's do the same thing. OP's are told something, that while not favorable, is much more benign than how it translates in our perception of the BS.

 

Thank you for so honestly admitting that, maybe not intentionally, you really, really need to believe you are a better steward of this lying, cheating MM's affections than his wife is.

 

I had to see him as a self sacrifing man who endured abuse at the hands of his wife. This validated ME and what I perceived as my position with him. This painted the picture of him being a good father, a good provider, etc. I needed to believe that a man of GOOD caliber wanted to be with me. If I was to look at the situation honestly (which when entangled with all the emotional tendrils is next to impossible) I would have seen something that I did not like at all. Not just about him, but about me.

 

Breathtakingly honest! I could not wrap my head around how the very qualities she admired in him, are the very one's she enabled him to betray for such a long time. And what has love got to do with that????

[donnamaybe]

If the A continues after DDay, there are some BS's who would direct their anger towards the OW/OM because they mistakenly believe the OW/OM is the "problem" that has inserted themselves into the M.

Actually, I think it's more like they consider them an enabler who is helping the spoiled, self-centered man-child get his way.

[Owl]

I think there are OW/OM out there who mistakenly believe (somehow or another) the BS is the "obstacle" to getting what they want (their AP, the MM or MW).

 

I think some OW/OM believe that after DDay (or even prior to it), if the MM/MW doesn't turn towards them it must be because the BS creating "interference". Thus the anger directed towards the "problem".

 

But I also think the flipside is true.

 

If the A continues after DDay, there are some BS's who would direct their anger towards the OW/OM because they mistakenly believe the OW/OM is the "problem" that has inserted themselves into the M.

 

But the truth is, the A continues because the two people in it WANT IT TO CONTINUE.

 

 

But...the AFFAIR is a problem that has inserted itself into the marriage.

 

The OW/OM (AND THE WS) are the active participants and ones sustaining that affair.

 

It's hardly surprising that they'd be angry about that. The primary goal of doing ANY kind of marital recovery at this point HAS to start with actively getting the affair ended, and contact with the affair partner ended.

 

That's bound to make both the BS and the OW/OM unhappy with each other when you think about it.

 

Make sense?

[Spark1111]

I think there are OW/OM out there who mistakenly believe (somehow or another) the BS is the "obstacle" to getting what they want (their AP, the MM or MW).

 

I think some OW/OM believe that after DDay (or even prior to it), if the MM/MW doesn't turn towards them it must be because the BS creating "interference". Thus the anger directed towards the "problem".

 

But I also think the flipside is true.

 

If the A continues after DDay, there are some BS's who would direct their anger towards the OW/OM because they mistakenly believe the OW/OM is the "problem" that has inserted themselves into the M.

 

But the truth is, the A continues because the two people in it WANT IT TO CONTINUE.

 

Well said! And I agree with all of it. And I believe most people in pain are not thinking rationally, lash out, entertain revenge fantasies, no matter what side of the triangle they fall on. And as evidenced above, it could be directed at any one of the participants.

 

And while I never believe my OW was the problem, she DID insert herself into my marriage with HIS permission, unbeknownst to me.

 

On that, we can disagree.

 

After DDAY, I told him to go get her. Apparently, at that point, he no longer wanted to be in an affair anymore.

 

No one was more stunned than I.

 

But I think for some, the secrecy makes things extra hot and intense.

 

No more secret? Not so hot...

 

Go figure.

[Mimolicious]

Do you guys RSVP to every invitation you?

 

You can get invited to a thousand places, you either say yer or no.

 

If your meet a person and that person is committed, they insinuate that they want to engage in some sort of R with you, you either go with flow or say thanks! but no thanks!. There is a thin line between being in it or not...So if you find yourself dancing in the middle of a M and you are not the H/W, you have inserted yourself. The decision is yours and not something imposed on you. Unless of course, you were kidnapped, placed in a shack in the backyard and were abused by this couple.

 

Thing is that many don't want to man up and take part of the blame.

 

If you didn't know and now you know- it's still your choice.

If you knew and didn't care- it was your choice.

So for anyone that is in this situation and want to say it is for the sake of love, attraction, blah, blah, blah... the least you can do is admit that you acted in concert.

 

If the A continues after DDay, there are some BS's who would direct their anger towards the OW/OM because they mistakenly believe the OW/OM is the "problem" that has inserted themselves into the M.

 

But the truth is, the A continues because the two people in it WANT IT TO CONTINUE.

 

Are you contradicting yourself here? One mistakenly points out the problem but the other 2 want it? If in fact, there is no contradiction in your post, then you are actually taking some responsibility. That's making some progress.

[TOWinNYC]

Are you contradicting yourself here? One mistakenly points out the problem but the other 2 want it? If in fact, there is no contradiction in your post, then you are actually taking some responsibility. That's making some progress.

 

Hey Mim,

Where's the contradiction?

[TOWinNYC]

But...the AFFAIR is a problem that has inserted itself into the marriage.

 

The OW/OM (AND THE WS) are the active participants and ones sustaining that affair.

 

The OW/OM & WS are the two people engaging in the A but the only person who thinks it’s a problem is the BS (which I understand).

 

Because the AFFAIR isn't a "problem" for the WS or the AP (well, unless it's discovered or ends or isn't providing enjoyment for the two affair partners). Nobody in their right mind would actively pursue a problem. The AP/WS are with each other because it's a PLEASURE - not a problem.

 

I think this statement "The AFFAIR is a problem that has inserted itself into the marriage" is an easier, less personally liable explanation for a BS.

 

IMO, an A is a SYMPTOM of the real problem - whatever is going on IN the marriage (the interaction, communication and CONNECTION between the spouses). There are two people participating (theoretically) in the M and if those things aren’t nurtured and sustained, well, depending on the person you’re married to affairs can happen.

 

So in a way, it's easier to "blame the AFFAIR" instead of really looking at the core issue - you and your role in your marriage. (BTW, this doesn’t cover people who are M’d to serial cheater or OW/OM who are in an A with them)

[TOWinNYC]

I totally lived this.

 

I was the BS and my now xWW HATED me for YEARS for divorcing her.

I still, though rarely now, get blamed for the state of her life.

She no longer has a 65K car because I D her (she traded down to 3 series and still cant afford it)

No big house because I D her (1 bdr apt and she sleeps in living room).

No easy life because I D her (being single parent is HARD).

 

Its still all my fault.

 

So, here I am , the BS, getting wrath from the WS because I D her.

 

Effed up huh?

 

I'll say it again...people who WANT a D get one. People who WANT an A get one. Most WS don't WANT a D regardless of the BS (not betrayed spouse) they spew.

 

Mine, wanted an A. NOT a D. And boy was she unhappy about it.

 

This is why statistically, if the BS is the H they push the divorce thru.

 

And why when the BS is the W, they tend to stay and "work on the M".

[Spark1111]

The OW/OM & WS are the two people engaging in the A but the only person who thinks it’s a problem is the BS (which I understand).

 

Because the AFFAIR isn't a "problem" for the WS or the AP (well, unless it's discovered or ends or isn't providing enjoyment for the two affair partners). Nobody in their right mind would actively pursue a problem. The AP/WS are with each other because it's a PLEASURE - not a problem.

 

HAHAHAHAHA! So why is it hidden, if it's not a problem? Why isn't your man with you full time, having all that pleasure? This is one of the most self-entitled statements I have ever read on LS. TOWinNYC, I thought you were smarter than that.

 

I think this statement "The AFFAIR is a problem that has inserted itself into the marriage" is an easier, less personally liable explanation for a BS.

 

IMO, an A is a SYMPTOM of the real problem - whatever is going on IN the marriage (the interaction, communication and CONNECTION between the spouses). There are two people participating (theoretically) in the M and if those things aren’t nurtured and sustained, well, depending on the person you’re married to affairs can happen.

 

So in a way, it's easier to "blame the AFFAIR" instead of really looking at the core issue - you and your role in your marriage. (BTW, this doesn’t cover people who are M’d to serial cheater or OW/OM who are in an A with them)

 

What marriage doesn't have problems? What long-term relationship doesn't run into disagreements?

 

NONE! Not one!!!

 

Ahahahahahaha!

 

TOWinNYC, are you purposely trying to prove the selfish, self-entitled stereotype of of the narcissitic OW is actually true with this post?

 

Or are you just quoting that old chestnut from the OW play guide?

 

SO IT IS THE FAULT OF THE BS THAT THEIR SPOUSE IS CHEATING ON THEM?

 

Ahahahahahahaha!

 

How old are you?

 

Are you a troll?

[Spark1111]

The OW/OM & WS are the two people engaging in the A but the only person who thinks it’s a problem is the BS (which I understand).

 

Because the AFFAIR isn't a "problem" for the WS or the AP (well, unless it's discovered or ends or isn't providing enjoyment for the two affair partners). Nobody in their right mind would actively pursue a problem. The AP/WS are with each other because it's a PLEASURE - not a problem.

 

I think this statement "The AFFAIR is a problem that has inserted itself into the marriage" is an easier, less personally liable explanation for a BS.

 

IMO, an A is a SYMPTOM of the real problem - whatever is going on IN the marriage (the interaction, communication and CONNECTION between the spouses). There are two people participating (theoretically) in the M and if those things aren’t nurtured and sustained, well, depending on the person you’re married to affairs can happen.

 

So in a way, it's easier to "blame the AFFAIR" instead of really looking at the core issue - you and your role in your marriage. (BTW, this doesn’t cover people who are M’d to serial cheater or OW/OM who are in an A with them)

 

 

And your affair with your MM is just doing wonders for that marriage of his! It's really getting revenge on that mean, unloving wife of his. It is truly identifying the problems in that marriage and really helping to improve the interaction, connection; sustaining and nurturing both parties.

 

Ahahahahahahahaha!

[Spark1111]

The OW/OM & WS are the two people engaging in the A but the only person who thinks it’s a problem is the BS (which I understand).

 

Because the AFFAIR isn't a "problem" for the WS or the AP (well, unless it's discovered or ends or isn't providing enjoyment for the two affair partners). Nobody in their right mind would actively pursue a problem. The AP/WS are with each other because it's a PLEASURE - not a problem.

 

I think this statement "The AFFAIR is a problem that has inserted itself into the marriage" is an easier, less personally liable explanation for a BS.

 

IMO, an A is a SYMPTOM of the real problem - whatever is going on IN the marriage (the interaction, communication and CONNECTION between the spouses). There are two people participating (theoretically) in the M and if those things aren’t nurtured and sustained, well, depending on the person you’re married to affairs can happen.

 

So in a way, it's easier to "blame the AFFAIR" instead of really looking at the core issue - you and your role in your marriage. (BTW, this doesn’t cover people who are M’d to serial cheater or OW/OM who are in an A with them)

 

This is why statistically, if the BS is the H they push the divorce thru.

 

And why when the BS is the W, they tend to stay and "work on the M".

 

What a shame for you the stats are so skewed not in your favor!

[Snowflower]

The OW/OM & WS are the two people engaging in the A but the only person who thinks it’s a problem is the BS (which I understand).

 

Because the AFFAIR isn't a "problem" for the WS or the AP (well, unless it's discovered or ends or isn't providing enjoyment for the two affair partners). Nobody in their right mind would actively pursue a problem. The AP/WS are with each other because it's a PLEASURE - not a problem.

 

This is kind of an unusual way to look at affairs, but okay, I'll go with it for now.

 

But, FTR, the affair was a problem for my husband. He quickly realized that an affair wasn't the way to solve anything and his life became much more complicated. I know, I saw first hand.

I think this statement "The AFFAIR is a problem that has inserted itself into the marriage" is an easier, less personally liable explanation for a BS.

 

Okay, another unusual viewpoint but I can't agree with this one.

 

Why do some OW always assume that the BS thinks the affair was the only problem in the marriage?

 

Can you please explain this to me? I'm not trying to be snarky, I want to understand.

IMO, an A is a SYMPTOM of the real problem - whatever is going on IN the marriage (the interaction, communication and CONNECTION between the spouses). There are two people participating (theoretically) in the M and if those things aren’t nurtured and sustained, well, depending on the person you’re married to affairs can happen.

 

As a fBS, I agree...the affair was a symptom of something bigger, either in the WS or the marriage. Emotionally healthy married people do not have affairs, IMO.

My husband's affair just made our whole marital situation a lot more complicated than it would have been otherwise.

 

So in a way, it's easier to "blame the AFFAIR" instead of really looking at the core issue - you and your role in your marriage. (BTW, this doesn’t cover people who are M’d to serial cheater or OW/OM who are in an A with them)

 

Ah, so the BS uses the "blame the affair" excuse. I don't think so. Not this BS...I knew there was something wrong in my marriage pre-affair.

 

Do some OW/OM really think the BS doesn't look at what is really is wrong in the marriage...that BS's are really that self-serving that they don't introspect?

 

No wonder OM/OW have such an awful opinion of BS...we are people who just want to blame everyone else for our problems and keep our poor, beleaguered spouse in our evil clutches while blaming everything on the the AFFAIR. :rolleyes:

[Mimolicious]

Hey Mim,

Where's the contradiction?

 

 

If the A continues after DDay, there are some BS's who would direct their anger towards the OW/OM because they mistakenly believe the OW/OM is the "problem" that has inserted themselves into the M.

 

But the truth is, the A continues because the two people in it WANT IT TO CONTINUE.

 

Just in case you don't understand your own thoughts...

 

You are saying that a BS targets their anger towards the OW/OM because they MISTAKENLY believe that that OW/OM have inserted themselves in to the M but then you said that the AP's are in it because they WANT to be.

 

So exactly what is it that is MISTAKENLY BELIEVED TO BE THE PROBLEM WHEN IN FACT YOU HAVE JUST ADMITTED TO WANTING TO BE IN BETWEEN THEIR M???????

 

Or you are conveniently forgetting to mention that a BS can ALSO direct their anger to BOTH parties involved in an A, so you can deliver your routine agenda?

 

I think that you have mistakenly believed that your situation is the uniformed poster child for all A's. Stop recycling backwashed POV's, you say the same bs thread after thread.

 

Because the AFFAIR isn't a "problem" for the WS or the AP (well, unless it's discovered or ends or isn't providing enjoyment for the two affair partners). Nobody in their right mind would actively pursue a problem. The AP/WS are with each other because it's a PLEASURE - not a problem.

 

NO FACKING ISH! But many people who get involved in A's sure end up with a whole ish load of problems, don't they, sweetpea??!??!

Tsk, tsk, tsk...

 

You want to believe what you want to believe. That's fine but stop speaking from a place that you do not stand. You are not your MM's W, to be representing her POV as your own. Either that or cut out your attacks towards a specific class or else you will be considered a troll.

 

 

Originally Posted by TOWinNYC

This is why statistically, if the BS is the H they push the divorce thru.

 

And why when the BS is the W, they tend to stay and "work on the M".

 

Sexist aren't we?! I think you seriously have something against women, especially married women. Remember you actually sleep with a MW's H. Stop the hating! If statistics are accurate, you are dead on it!

 

I know.... I know... You and him were together back in the days. That only stretches past the opening 100 first posts. Listen, if you are so against "BS's" then stop making one out of another female. Tell your MM to bail out already.

[bentnotbroken]

The OW/OM & WS are the two people engaging in the A but the only person who thinks it’s a problem is the BS (which I understand).

Because the AFFAIR isn't a "problem" for the WS or the AP (well, unless it's discovered or ends or isn't providing enjoyment for the two affair partners). Nobody in their right mind would actively pursue a problem. The AP/WS are with each other because it's a PLEASURE - not a problem.

 

I think this statement "The AFFAIR is a problem that has inserted itself into the marriage" is an easier, less personally liable explanation for a BS.

 

IMO, an A is a SYMPTOM of the real problem - whatever is going on IN the marriage (the interaction, communication and CONNECTION between the spouses). There are two people participating (theoretically) in the M and if those things aren’t nurtured and sustained, well, depending on the person you’re married to affairs can happen.

 

So in a way, it's easier to "blame the AFFAIR" instead of really looking at the core issue - you and your role in your marriage. (BTW, this doesn’t cover people who are M’d to serial cheater or OW/OM who are in an A with them)

 

 

Interesting concept. Not a problem for AP/WS. :confused:That must be why they lie, deceive and hide because the affair ISN'T problem. Yet so many continue to seek the problem that isn't a problem. HMMMM sounds a bit mental..but okay.

 

And the BS only THINKS it's a problem. Wow what are they thinking? It shouldn't be a problem. Sometimes I believe affairs are a coping mechanism for marital problems. Yet sometimes the marital problems are consequence of cheating. But I think your point of view is more easily digested by WS and AP than a personal liability for those involved in the affairs.