It's a Myth....

[TaraMaiden]

You know when you want to talk to your partner about something, and they say -

 

"You sure have great timing!" (sarcasm)

 

Or -

 

"Your timing could be better".....

 

Well, what the hell is all that about?

 

I have come to the conclusion that "Good timing" is a complete myth.

 

And actually, for that matter, so is "bad timing".

 

There is no such thing as timing.

No such thing as a 'good' time, or a 'bad' time.

 

That time is the time you pick, and works for you, because you feel it's time you said something, and so the timing's good - for you.

But 'bad' for them.

In fact, it's always 'bad' for them....

 

So it's all objective.

 

 

 

Thoughts......?

[denise_xo]

Your post made me laugh out loud - I'm in the middle of a 'should I stay or should I go' conversation and was thinking to myself "damn the timing is so bad..."

[Shakz]

You know when you want to talk to your partner about something, and they say -

 

"You sure have great timing!" (sarcasm)

 

Or -

 

"Your timing could be better".....

 

Well, what the hell is all that about?

 

I have come to the conclusion that "Good timing" is a complete myth.

 

And actually, for that matter, so is "bad timing".

 

There is no such thing as timing.

No such thing as a 'good' time, or a 'bad' time.

 

That time is the time you pick, and works for you, because you feel it's time you said something, and so the timing's good - for you.

But 'bad' for them.

In fact, it's always 'bad' for them....

 

So it's all objective.

 

 

 

Thoughts......?

 

Wouldn't that be subjective? I think a person can have bad timing, but that's really just a failure to be aware of what's going on around them. For example, bringing up vacation plans when your partner just lost their job could be bad timing, IMO. Good timing would be when the same oblivious person might mention a desire for better communication right when their SO has had an epiphany about their feelings. Or am I totally missing the point?

[TaraMaiden]

Wouldn't that be subjective?

yes of course it would.

That was careless of me. Thanks for correcting that point.

 

I think a person can have bad timing, but that's really just a failure to be aware of what's going on around them. For example, bringing up vacation plans when your partner just lost their job could be bad timing, IMO. Good timing would be when the same oblivious person might mention a desire for better communication right when their SO has had an epiphany about their feelings. Or am I totally missing the point?

Your first example isn't precisely what I meant....I think that's just being thoughtlessly tactless. Or tactlessly thoughtless.....

 

The point I've bolded would be more like it, but I'm thinking more about situations one partner finds vexing, and the other partner 'doesn't Get it'. or, as you put it, is "epiphaniless".....

 

Bringing up the issue depends on the timing, in order to be able to discuss the situation clearly, calmly and in an equal, balanced way.

 

Many times, people are advised to 'discuss critical issues on neutral territory'...because the likelihood of frayed tempers and heated exchanges is lessened.

 

However, I have a very good friend and colleague who, if she does this - gets the snappy reply along the lines of "I don't want to air this in public, let's wait to discuss this until we get home" - and then, all hell breaks loose.....

 

She's tried 'good timing'....but it never is, according to him.....

 

I really don't want to reveal anything about her situation, because it's confidential, and I wouldn't dream of touching on issues which are nothing to do with me, without clearance or permission.

 

Do you see what I'm saying, Shakz?

 

denise, it's a darned toughie, isn't it?

When would be a 'good time' to say "I'm off! See ya!"....?

[denise_xo]

yes of course it would.

 

denise, it's a darned toughie, isn't it?

When would be a 'good time' to say "I'm off! See ya!"....?

 

Quite.

[Shakz]

Do you see what I'm saying, Shakz?

 

Clear as mud, TM! Actually, I get it. Kind of. Sort of. The guy is using the idea of "timing" as an excuse to avoid addressing an issue that there is no good time or bad time to bring up. It is what it is and isn't going away. Either that or he's using it to deflect what he anticipates to be criticism. Either way it's a cop out and a "myth" in context. Yes? Please don't feel obligated to explain further. Sometimes I just don't get things. I was dropped on my head as an infant.

[TaraMaiden]

No you're right. I think that's it.

And your writing skills is improving dey by day.

 

(I know where you're coming from.....I received 4 blows to the head, 4 separate times, same place on the knut. You think u got probs.....)

 

That's a good observation, actually.

It's not 'a bad time'.

 

It's denial.

And her trying to pick a 'good time' seems to therefore be something she's doing to get him at his most receptive, and consider his feelings.....But he keeps stonewalling her.

I might pass this on. She's stumped.....

[threebyfate]

I agree it sometimes is used as a tool to avoid "a discussion".

 

But if you consider it, bad behaviour usually manifests when a partner is having a bad time such as a highly stressful period or one of those bad days. This doesn't mean you have to enable bad behaviour but it is a consideration, if it's a one-off situation of this type of bad behaviour.

 

Relationships don't happen in a vacuum. There's a degree of compromise and tolerance necessary to make it work. Where the boundaries of the degree resides, are between you and your partner.

[Shakz]

Taramere, I'm sorry to hear you got conked so many times in the same spot. I can relate somewhat. I wrecked my motorbike a few years ago. I suffered such a severe concussion that I was comatose and nearly died. Actually, I think that knocked some sense into me!

 

I think I see the denial aspect, and her desire to accommodate him. Maybe she could overcome this not by trying to talk about it so much, but by doing something that really demonstrates the issue in a way he can't deny. Of course, not knowing the specific details makes it impossible to advise.

[TaraMaiden]

Taramere,

I wish.....! She's got a fine, unblemished and sane legal brain ticking away in her cranium!

 

 

I'm sorry to hear you got conked so many times in the same spot. I can relate somewhat. I wrecked my motorbike a few years ago. I suffered such a severe concussion that I was comatose and nearly died. Actually, I think that knocked some sense into me!

Sincerely delighted you've lived to tell the tale.

 

I think I see the denial aspect, and her desire to accommodate him. Maybe she could overcome this not by trying to talk about it so much, but by doing something that really demonstrates the issue in a way he can't deny. Of course, not knowing the specific details makes it impossible to advise.

I really can't assume the privilege of airing it.

But I'll get feedback, and maybe drop you a PM....

 

She feels she's reached stalemate though.....

 

I agree it sometimes is used as a tool to avoid "a discussion".

 

But if you consider it, bad behaviour usually manifests when a partner is having a bad time such as a highly stressful period or one of those bad days. This doesn't mean you have to enable bad behaviour but it is a consideration, if it's a one-off situation of this type of bad behaviour.

If only. It's not a one-off. He's constantly pulling this one on her....

 

Relationships don't happen in a vacuum. There's a degree of compromise and tolerance necessary to make it work. Where the boundaries of the degree resides, are between you and your partner.

Has anyone ever heard that saying, "When you've reached the end of your tether - tie a knot in it and hang on!" (My mum taught me that one....)

 

I think she feels that even the knot's slipping now.....

[Shakz]

I wish.....! She's got a fine, unblemished and sane legal brain ticking away in her cranium!

 

Oh crap! All apologies.

[threebyfate]

I wish.....! She's got a fine, unblemished and sane legal brain ticking away in her cranium!

Taramere has high IQ and EQ. An amazing woman.

If only. It's not a one-off. He's constantly pulling this one on her....

Hmmm...I'll bet that he manifests his passive-aggressive behaviour in other ways.

Has anyone ever heard that saying, "When you've reached the end of your tether - tie a knot in it and hang on!" (My mum taught me that one....)

 

I think she feels that even the knot's slipping now.....

I'm not familiar with this saying and don't know what it means. My guess towards the meaning of it, doesn't correlate to your additional comment so can you explain the meaning?

[TaraMaiden]

She felt some time ago that she'd passed the point of no return.

She felt she'd reached the end of her tether with him.

 

But he's been extremely supportive, loving and empathetic in other areas.

This made her re-consider the notion of calling the relationship a day, because the minuses didn't outweigh the pluses....

She tied a knot in the tether, and hung on....

Now, the balance is tipping the other way, and he's less cohesive and his input into the relationship is decreasing....

 

So now, the knot's slipping.

because in spite of many efforts on her part to address the issues she feels are becoming hurdles between them, he insists on delaying, postponing or avoiding discussion altogether. And she's getting frustrated.

[Taramere]

Taramere, I'm sorry to hear you got conked so many times in the same spot.[

 

Not at all. I had a great time.

 

Tara and TBF - thank you both, you treasures. I've felt a bit blah today, and I'm sucking up those compliments like a thirsty horse at a water trough. So you see Tara, good timing isn't a myth after all.

[threebyfate]

Taramaiden, I have to question why issues need to be readdressed over and over again. Or so many new issues coming to the forefront. Is she a highly critical person?

 

Sending good vibes your way Taramere! Hope your day gets better.

[TaraMaiden]

No, actually she's not.

But she has two daughters she's brought up single-handedly, and both of them are presenting her with....parental challenges.... she could well do without, right now.

her partner is a good deal older than she.

He's quite controlling and seems to think that greater age means superiority.

He's not like this all the time, but there is an issue that has rankled between them for some time, and it escalated when the situation became dangerous.

 

I've texted her, and she's given me clearance for the following:

 

In short, he has a large and relatively aggressive dog, which has worried her for some time, but recently, his dog attacked and nearly killed hers, but he will neither get rid of it humanely, nor re-home it.

And as a Dog behaviourist, I offered some help, but "he knows best".

The variety is extremely protective and aggressive, and is unpredictable in confined spaces. Even the registered breeder and trainer from whom he originally purchased it, has advised him to give it back to her, for her to try to deal with, because she recognises he's a problem animal, but he won't even take this option.

Her dog needed extensive veterinary treatment, and as they live in separate homes, what once used to be a joint pleasure (walking the dogs together, spending time in each others' homes) is now off the cards.

She has other pets (horses) which are time-consuming, and is also focussed on her 2 daughters' separate issues.

So she has her hands full.

Therefore, in trying to at least resolve this issue, she is understandably frustrated when the very person she would like to count on for moral and emotional support, is actually contributing to the dilemmas she faces....

Her daughters' issues, I will not be clarifying. Teenagers. 'Nuff said.

[TaraMaiden]

Not at all. I had a great time.

 

Tara and TBF - thank you both, you treasures. I've felt a bit blah today, and I'm sucking up those compliments like a thirsty horse at a water trough. So you see Tara, good timing isn't a myth after all.

 

Taramere, that we share the same first five letters in name, is apt to confuse some....

It's happened before.

But there, the comparison ends.

I sincerely do admire you, and find your posts some of the most logical, no-nonsense and highly readable ones on the forum, particularly in issues of political or social debate.

Being mistaken for you is a distinct disadvantage for you, but I find it incredibly flattering.

I may go to the Old Bailey End-of-Year Ball in your place yet. But I'd soon get rumbled.....!

[threebyfate]

While I know you don't agree with my opinion about major age difference relationships, the pattern holds more true than not, at least from what I've seen.

 

One of the appeals of a younger woman is that she's more malleable. The only problem is that sooner or later, she goes through her maturation process and outgrows the paternalistic relationship. This causes frustration from the controlling member, triggering insecurities, so the controlling partner tries to assert more authority which causes pushback. Round, round we go.

 

You see a similar dynamic in mother to child relationships where the mothers can't let go of their control.

 

From the sounds of it, in order for her to get his support, she'll need to submit to him again.

 

Not a healthy dynamic for someone who's coming into her own.

[TaraMaiden]

She's 43, he's 61 and they've been going out for 4 years.

They both belong to a Harley Davidson Motorbike club, (individual bikes) and have travelled the world, but mostly the USA, extensively....

 

Not sure your profile fits.... But I'm taking it on board.....

[threebyfate]

I'm only guessing based on what you've written. It might be right or might be wrong.

 

One thing is that not all women get their feet under them at the same age. In what emotional and financial shape was she when she first met him and what appealed to her about him?

Edited August 5, 2010 by threebyfate
added emotional and financial to clarify that it's not physical.

[TaraMaiden]

I think the initial appeal was for him...he chased her for a while.

He says that no woman in his life has ever talked to him the way she does, and he pursued her for a while before he (at the time) proved himself to be sincere....He was attracted by her feisty, quick-witted and assured temperament.

I think bringing up two teenagers, rescuing gypsy ponies from inappropriate owners, breaking them and haltering them, and owning four dogs and two cats, that all live in harmony with each other, as well as being the youngest person in England to gain a health and Safety food standards inspector qualification when she was aged 19, shows immense character....

She's an independent, strong and no push-over.

 

But she has extremely deep feelings for him, and this is churning her up.

She utterly adores animals, and occasionally prefers them to people. So it distresses her to think she could cheerfully have his dog put down without a qualm.

The dog, I am reminded, is an Anatolian Shepherd.

[TaraMaiden]

Financially independent. Was in serious debt to the tune of several grand, ( a messy divorce caused this) which she has managed virtually single-handedly to reduce by nearly three-quarters.

[threebyfate]

Yes, but she was also attracted to him not only because he pursued her. Aggressive pursuit doesn't always trigger attraction. What did she see in him at the outset that caused her to invest so heavily?

[TaraMaiden]

As far as I know, they had the common interest of motor bikes, pets, previous relationships that had left them both high and dry, and a whacky sense of humour.

He is actually a very nice, thoroughly likeable chap. But as is often the case, the flaws are never apparent at the beginning, are they?

[Shakz]

No, actually she's not.

But she has two daughters she's brought up single-handedly, and both of them are presenting her with....parental challenges.... she could well do without, right now.

her partner is a good deal older than she.

He's quite controlling and seems to think that greater age means superiority.

He's not like this all the time, but there is an issue that has rankled between them for some time, and it escalated when the situation became dangerous.

 

I've texted her, and she's given me clearance for the following:

 

In short, he has a large and relatively aggressive dog, which has worried her for some time, but recently, his dog attacked and nearly killed hers, but he will neither get rid of it humanely, nor re-home it.

And as a Dog behaviourist, I offered some help, but "he knows best".

The variety is extremely protective and aggressive, and is unpredictable in confined spaces. Even the registered breeder and trainer from whom he originally purchased it, has advised him to give it back to her, for her to try to deal with, because she recognises he's a problem animal, but he won't even take this option.

Her dog needed extensive veterinary treatment, and as they live in separate homes, what once used to be a joint pleasure (walking the dogs together, spending time in each others' homes) is now off the cards.

She has other pets (horses) which are time-consuming, and is also focussed on her 2 daughters' separate issues.

So she has her hands full.

Therefore, in trying to at least resolve this issue, she is understandably frustrated when the very person she would like to count on for moral and emotional support, is actually contributing to the dilemmas she faces....

Her daughters' issues, I will not be clarifying. Teenagers. 'Nuff said.

 

Let me guess, a pitbull? Men often have a very strong attatchment to their dogs. Most of the time this manifests as a reflection of themselves in a positive way. My brother had a wonderful old German Shepherd, which was like him to a tee. When this beautiful, gentle warrior passed I think a little bit of my brother died too. But sometimes a man projects aspects of himself that don't really exist onto the dog. So much so that he will not suffer any criticism of the animal, as he believes subconsciously it is an attack on himself. He will encourage the dogs aggressiveness, as it compensates for his own timidity and insecurity. It's a sticky problem, since she hasn't the time to take the dog into her own hands, and give it the love and discipline it craves.