EthanH Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I know I have probably bored you all to death with my saga on here before, but I just need some help making sense of it all. Sorry if this is a long post. My ex broke up with me in feb. For a while before that, things weren't good, mainly because I had some problems at college, I had to drop out for a semester (long story, not my fault etc etc) and she was still there, with work commitments, social life linked to college etc etc. I was still in the same flat with a group of college friends, I had the same life essentially, apart from the fact I wasn't officially a student, and I guess in some ways, I seemed a bit directionless. We were friends before we got together and we used to watch tv shows in my room. Looking back I smile as at first we used to leave the door open as we didn't want our friends to suggest anything was going on. But I remember struggling up to my mac at 5am to put another episode so that there was a 'reason' she was falling asleep in my bed. The reason I mention all of this is that when this happened, we both laughed when one of us slept in past our alarms and missed a tutorial, we could joke about how stupid we were as it was having an impact on both of us. When I stopped being a student, doing something like this changed, I didn't have to get out of bed for anything, I wasn't a bum, but when i did stuff, it was because I wanted to, not needed to, and so the whole dynamic changed... when she missed a class, she blamed me, and in many ways saw me as a bad influence I think. February was a good month for most part, it was our year anniversary, she booked a big thing for it in a castle. But it took so little for her to get annoyed. It was a vicious circle, the more she snapped at me, she more she got angry with herself and the more likely she was to snap. When she was in a mood, I would always ask what was wrong, because probably, I'm too nice. Valentines day was amazing. And then a week later, she got really drunk and ended it. Thing is, I'm not similar to the many posters on here who want to call or text her or something, I don't honestly feel there is anything I can do atm, nor do I want to. After the breakup, we went through phases of not seeing each other for a few weeks, to hooking up for a few days, and yet at the end, she would always get cold feet. On the whole, she always has reservations. I tried to persuade her at first, but eventually realised doing that was only making me less attractive. It needed to be her who decided she wanted to be with me in order for it to have any chance of working. So, I do see the value in NC. I was like many on here who was worried if I did NC, she would forget about me, and yet I see how absurd that idea is, if she was able to forget, would I really want to be with her? I think not. The problem I have, and I think the reason why she is still always on my mind, is that I am pretty sure she does actually want to get back with me. I know everyone on here probably thinks something similar. And ultimately it means nothing until she decides to knock on my door and tell me. She pushed me away over and over after we broke up. Told friends she hated that I still wanted to be with her. Told me that the fact I still wanted to be with her was 'annoying'. Gave the impression that all she needed was for me to back off completely so she could actually work out what she thought, rather than having to do that with the caveat of knowing if she came to the conclusion that she still really liked me, the logical decision would be to try things again with me. She even told me that she thought that if I had backed off, she probably would have missed me so much that she would have come back to me. I know this is a classic thing during a break-up, the easiest way to get over someone you really care about is to blame them for everything and make out they are some kind of monster. Thing is, I did back off, I didn't see her for a month. I remember this specifically, as I remember during this time I came back to my flat after a house party at like 4am, walked into my kitchen, and she was there with my flatmates. The weird thing was, I didn't even notice her at first, she hid behind my flatmate (a girl who is also her best friend) and then left without a word. It came to her exams, and I got told by some mutual friends that she was really struggling and that me wishing her good luck would take the poison out of the situation. I did it because ultimately, I saw her doing well in exams as more important than pride/the situation etc etc, so I went to where she was revising and just said that I knew she could do it and wished her well. I specifically said I didn't come to talk about us, which was a contrast as it was usually always me who was pushing to do exactly that. She got upset and wanted to talk more, tried to explain to me how she saw things, wanted to hug me etc etc. I left, feeling terrible, I wanted to be with her just as much as I always did. The next day, she asked to meet up for coffee, covering it as a chance to discuss her subject (I do the same subject as her but a year above)...I agreed. Things were good, they were fresh. Next day she asked me to meet her for a meal after her exam. We did, shared a bottle of wine, ended up kissing. This was mid may, and from then until July 1st, the same pattern repeated itself- she would call me up every night, and ask to see me. It wasn't just at night, her part-time term-time became a full-time thing after uni finished for the summer, so she was either working until 1am and on the evenings she occasionally had off, she went out with her friends from work. She had gaps in her shifts of a couple of hours for a break, but would always make a point of spending the time with friends, something which by her own admission was her trying to right a wrong which she did when we dated when she wanted to spend every spare minute with me. She now saw the value in doing other things. It felt odd that she only wanted to see me at night, and yet looking back, it was a pretty healthy arrangement. I think at the time, she felt bad as she struggled with wanting to see me and having to resist it, and also that she felt she was somehow doing something wrong as it felt like she was being 'casual' with me, simply because the relationship before was so intense. The odd thing was that she mentioned a few times that I wasn't doing 'boyfriendy' things you would usually expect. I remember a guy leering at her when we were in town, and she got annoyed that I didn't somehow react to it. We went for meals which i paid for. We walked around holding hands. But it was different, which I guess was to be expected. She told mutual friends that we were essentially back together, and that she didn't want things to get any more serious for the rest of the summer. This pattern continued until she went away to do a summer job in another part of the country for 3 weeks. She phoned me every night during that time, told me she missed me etc etc. I kept it light, I never talked about 'us'... until a couple of weeks back, in her final week of being away, she told me it annoyed her how positive I was about us getting back together and that I thought it would work etc. She also told me she didn't want to be with someone she wasn't sure she liked 'enough'. The problem is, she has said stuff such as that to me before, and then come back and told me she didn't mean it and was just saying it to try and push me away as she was so confused. Her natural way of dealing with things is to put things off and not deal with it, leave things to pile up, until it gets to the stage where she cannot even hardly remember what the problem was/is... and so gives up on thinking. I wrote her an email in which I basically said, enough is enough, I deserve more respect, and until she wants to fight for me, and doesn't see my feelings for her as 'annoying' I would rather she just leave me alone. Friends say they don't think she has ever really worried about 'losing' me... even when she broke up with me, as she knew all she had to do was change her mind and I would still be there. She blamed me when we last spoke for not giving her space... I almost laughed, as before we spoke during her exams, I had avoided her for a month, and from the period since, I have contacted her once, she phoned me every night for 2 months! I think the thing which scares her is that if I still want to be with her now, after all of this, what would it take for me not to want to be with her... and I think that scares her as it feels like I'm always going to be running after her, acting off my emotions completely. I know I cannot contact her, I know if I did, it would lose any of the respect I have gained by the letter. She is away on vacation with her parents for the next few weeks. I know from her telling me about what happens when she goes away with them that it involves a lot of time sitting around doing nothing, and thus thinking, and that it is that which she has tried to avoid so much so far. So yeah, there is my story, critique it, comment on it etc, any advice/empathy with her or me would be appreciated. Oh and I know this is a long post, but if anything isn't clear, don't hesitate to ask.
Fluffsticle Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Hi EthanH This is a really long post and I can't take it all in... What stood out to me is that I'm not really sure that you did giver her the spece, or respect her decision. I don't mean this in a horrible way. I mean, she broke up with you. This is awful. But if you love someone, you have to let them go. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. You have to give People what they ask. If I had of contacted my ex after we broke up, I don't think we would be where we are now. I think the fact that I let him go. I left him to find happiness, and by doing this he knew I was the best Person he would ever meet. He came back to me as soon as everything had worked itself out. Maybe you have crowded her. It's so frustrating letting someone go. But we all deserve to feel like we're top of the world, and if you were with her now, maybe you would wonder if she was only there because you didn't let her go. Do you see what I'm saying? If you want to PM me and ask me advice, or specific questions, that's no problem. You've helped me a lot, but I'm not sure what you want to know...
Author EthanH Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 hey, thanks for your advice... was going to PM you but I think you have to be an established member to receive mssgs, I seem to have the option to PM other people, but not you... the thing is, she blames me for everything, but the point is, I did let her go, I stuck to the fact I still wanted to be with her, I still really care about her, but I backed off... and she chased me for 2 and a half months! And I didn't want to push her away as she told friends we had got back together... Take for example the last night we were in the same town, before she went away for her 3 week summer job. She was leaving town on the tuesday. On the monday, her father was meant to be coming up, staying at her flat and giving her a lift home the morning after. I walked her to her work which she was due to finish at 4, she said she wanted to hang with me, but needed to sort out her plans with her father first. I didn't hear anything from her until 2am that night, when she phoned so say her father had decided to just drive up in the morning, so she had gone out with some friends from work. I got annoyed as it frustrated me that on her last night in town, before the summer when we didn't know when we would next see each other, she chose to go out with friends from her work who she had been out with almost every night she had free for the previous months. She hung up on me, and then phoned my cell 25 times! Called my landline for 30 mins straight. Left me 5 voicemails. Wrote to me on facebook. I had had enough. But the point I'm trying to make here, is, I wasn't chasing her, it was the other way round. Her father was She told me she wanted to spend that night At first when we broke up, I wanted to be with her so badly, and couldn't see that it didn't matter while she had no interest in that... i backed off... that's why this is all so difficult now. I remember a few days before I last spoke to her, I asked her straight out 'if you don't want anything to do with me, tell me now, I will back off and accept your decision. I will cut you out of my life and get out of yours if that is what you want.' ... her reply was a very strong 'No, that's not what I want'.
TaraMaiden Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Ethan, this is really simple: the decisive action is up to you, because she is classically known as the Yo-yo player. She yanks you back, then rolls you off. Yanks you back, then rolls you off. You know what you need? Simple. A pair of scissors. You need to implement NC, and stick to it. Mean it, and keep it up. See, this is never going to change - until she gets bored and a 'Mr Muchbetterthanthis' comes along. And then, you'll be left high and dry, wondering where the good times went. Unfortunate as it is, you have to bresk this vicious cycle of to-ing and fro-ing. it doesn't matter what she says, when she says it, how she says it, why or where; You have to finally close this chapter because it's frazzled, done and about twenty pages too long. Edit, Cut, Delete. Now. Thanks for calling me. But I think you already knew what you had to do. Seeing it in black and white probably merely reinforces what you already knew. The big thing, is doing it. And this has become less of a relationship, and more of a habit. Habits are hard to break, but once you get on a roll of NC, it should gradually get easier. Good luck, stay strong, be free, and enjoy life.
Treasa Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 You sound like such a sweet person, and she sounds immature and like someone who only wants to take whatever she can get. My honest recommendation is that you go about your business and not give her the time of day until she can prove to you that she's worthy of your time. You don't really need all that extra stress in your life. You're both doing the same thing - trying to make HER happy. I think she needs to get her issues straightened out, and I think she needs to do that without your support. You need to focus on yourself and what makes you happy apart from her. What are some of your goals/dreams?
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