Girlfriend cheated on me and admitted.

[mario_ugk]

I'm 21 and I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend(also 21) for 3 years. We were getting along perfect, there were no real fights, and if there were, we would call each other at the end of the day and get back together; also I was her first real boyfriend(she was a virgin) and she is also my first long term girlfriend. Bottom line... our relationship was perfect. Until June this year, when she and one of her female friend went to oslo for a summer job. We trusted each other very much and chatted 3-4 times a week on I.M., things were going along just fine, until a couple of days ago she admitted she had cheated on me, but was terribly sorry and she regrets it. She said she couldn't forgive herself, and dosen't expect me to forgive her. After that, she told me that she considered fair for me to know now, and not to find out when she comes home(1st of september). She also told me that she turned down the guy many times before and that she loves me and wants to be together when she comes home. When I asked why... she said it was just simple attraction between them.As a first reaction I told her that she can forget me and that I don't want to see her again. I don't know the whole story, but she promised an explanation face to face when she returns, because arguing on I.M. is awkward.

 

I don't know what to do;

-if I take her back, i'm afraid i'll be devastated if she does this to me one more time, and the relationship wouldn't be the same

-if I don't take her back, I'll prove to myself that I'm strong enough to get past her, but I love her too much to let her go, plus, aside from this incident, in 3 years she never showed any interest in other men, because she is the shy type.

-what should I do until she gets back? Should I talk to her or should I ignore her?

-May I add that I, too have had the oportunity to cheat on her this summer, but I couldn't go through and I turned down the girl, because I loved my girlfriend too much and I couldn't hurt her.

 

I'm really heartbroken and for the past couple of days I lost my apetite and need light sedatives from time to time when I think of her, just to get past anxiety.

 

Please help me! I can't talk to my friends or family about this because I'm embarrased of being cheated on. It's my first real "break-up" so I really need your help.Thanks.

 

P.S. If there are any grammar mistakes, please excuse me, my mother tongue is not english.

[JustJoe]

Mario, the best advice I can give you is to forget about her, live your life, see other people, and enjoy the summer. You can talk to her if you want , after she gets back. But will you ever be able to trust her again?

[Over_and_Beyond]

I would have to agree with JustJoe.

 

Mario, your girlfriend didn't respect your three-year relationship by cheating and thus does not deserve you. By giving her a second chance, you will be giving her way too much power and she'll likely cheat on you again. I've been in a similar position before, and it hurts alot more the second time around.

[Chinook]

Mario, I have to agree with the other two guys. When it came right down to the moment of cheating, your girlfriend made a choice - whether she says it was or not, she chose to go forward and cheat. You did not. That's a HUGE difference between you. It's not insurmountable to be able to forgive it - forgetting it is another matter entirely. It's possible to be able to get past infidelity but it takes an awful lot of work on both sides. It depends if you can and want to do that. Personally, if someone let me down like that, I would find it very hard to trust them again and I already know that - so I know that anything along that pathway just wouldn't be worthwhile and I would prefer not to waste anyone's time. I know you're heartbroken right now, but trust me, it will get better.

 

In the short term, what I would do is tell her you need some time to think. Drop contact for a few days (maybe a week) to allow yourself time to think. If you take some time to think about yourself and what you want and where you want to go and what you want from your future, then maybe you can make a way forward with her (or not if that's the case). I have to say though, Over & Beyond is right... respect is high on your agenda and should be for now.

 

Caliguy has a good saying in his signature "The aim of a doormat is to wipe your feet on it, not to love and cherish it". Bear that in mind if you do give her a second chance. You're not a doormat and she shouldn't be treating you as one.

[Darren Steez]

Dude be strong, you answered your own questions, you had the chance to cheat but didn't because your love and respect for your girlfriend stopped you from doing so, so what if this guy propositioned her many times, so her excuse was simple attraction!! I guess her love for you wasn't enough to override this attraction, what possible explanation could she give you face to face? You were out of sight and out of mind, I bet you IM her all the time, she knows you'll be there and she knows the likelihood is you'll forgive her. First thing is none of this is your fault, cut communication from her and try to sort your head out and look at the facts, I know you want to ask her a lot of questions like why she did it, but she doesn't have any, she sleep with another man and didnt stop it, she went through with the sex because of attraction. The trust is broken, everytime you see her eyeing up another guy innocent or not everything with flood back. Show her you wont take this, be strong and let her go, if she's really that committed to you and I dont mean tears and I'm sorry, I mean she does everything possible to win you back, then by all means work on it. Back give yourself some space first. Good luck!

[Bryanp]

She cheated on you in a 3 year relationship because she found him attractive. What does this mean. She has no self control if in the future she finds someone else attractive? You had a chance to cheat and you did not. She did. What is wrong with this picture?

[Bitterman24/7]

I'm 21 and I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend(also 21) for 3 years. We were getting along perfect, there were no real fights, and if there were, we would call each other at the end of the day and get back together; also I was her first real boyfriend(she was a virgin) and she is also my first long term girlfriend. Bottom line... our relationship was perfect. Until June this year, when she and one of her female friend went to oslo for a summer job. We trusted each other very much and chatted 3-4 times a week on I.M., things were going along just fine, until a couple of days ago she admitted she had cheated on me, but was terribly sorry and she regrets it. She said she couldn't forgive herself, and dosen't expect me to forgive her. After that, she told me that she considered fair for me to know now, and not to find out when she comes home(1st of september). She also told me that she turned down the guy many times before and that she loves me and wants to be together when she comes home. When I asked why... she said it was just simple attraction between them.As a first reaction I told her that she can forget me and that I don't want to see her again. I don't know the whole story, but she promised an explanation face to face when she returns, because arguing on I.M. is awkward.

 

I don't know what to do;

-if I take her back, i'm afraid i'll be devastated if she does this to me one more time, and the relationship wouldn't be the same

-if I don't take her back, I'll prove to myself that I'm strong enough to get past her, but I love her too much to let her go, plus, aside from this incident, in 3 years she never showed any interest in other men, because she is the shy type.

-what should I do until she gets back? Should I talk to her or should I ignore her?

-May I add that I, too have had the oportunity to cheat on her this summer, but I couldn't go through and I turned down the girl, because I loved my girlfriend too much and I couldn't hurt her.

 

I'm really heartbroken and for the past couple of days I lost my apetite and need light sedatives from time to time when I think of her, just to get past anxiety.

 

Please help me! I can't talk to my friends or family about this because I'm embarrased of being cheated on. It's my first real "break-up" so I really need your help.Thanks.

 

P.S. If there are any grammar mistakes, please excuse me, my mother tongue is not english.

 

The reason that your gf told you why she cheated is similar to the reason my ex-ww told me she cheated, but like others have said, you still have the advantage of youth. You still have a long life ahead of you, regardless of your first long-term relationship with her. Correct me if i'm wrong but did she lose her virginity with this OM, because that would just add insult to injury. Either way you need to just go and live life without her and date some fine-looking women, and maybe along the way she might get jealous.

[mark982]

if you forgive her, she'll seem all happy and lovey dovey. but deep down she's lost all respect for you,and it will happen again. while i truely feel bad for you, just move on with your life .

[phineas]

"I love you, but he was SOOOO hot, so I banged him. sorry"

 

Box up her crap & take it to her parents.

Tell them it's over, don't get into details, don't blubber to them.

Just give them her stuff & cut all contact.

 

Because honestly, she'll probably wind up breaking up with you anyways because she wants to experiance other men.

 

Just about every guy I know who took thier GF's virginity had her either cheat or dump them & start banging random guys.

[reservoirdog1]

Know this: if you stay with her, your relationship WILL NOT BE THE SAME. The old relationship is dead. Your choices are: (1) end things with her, or (2) accept that the relationship with her will henceforth be a different one from the one you know.

 

Different how? Well, for the foreseeable future, you're going to be suspicious of her. A lot. Especially when she's out without you. Or when her cell phone rings and the number is one you don't recognize. Or if she ever closes down her email window when you walk in the room. Or if she doesn't call you when she says she will, or gets home later than she says.

 

The suspicion will happen whether or not she's being honest, because your trust in her has been crippled, and understandably so. Rebuilding that is going to take a hell of a lot of work between the two of you, and principally on her part.

 

Rebuilding trust after one partner cheats is bloody difficult and takes a LONG time and a LOT of work. The people most likely to do it successfully are those who have been together for years, have shared assets and/or children, and who have some maturity and life experience behind them.

 

Dude, you're only 21. She's already cheated on you. For your own ultimate happiness and self-esteem, in my humble opinion you should dump her. There are tons of girls out there who WON'T hop on another guy's knob just because they're apart from you for a month or two.

[lordWilhelm]

Things weren't as perfect as you think they were...

 

She clearly had no respect for you when she chose to bang that other guy, just because he was tried a few times.

 

So I'd say: End things with her.

 

No major commitments so it won't be that hard to move on after you take some time for yourself.

 

If you give in, she won't respect you again.

 

And by the way, don't argue with her about it. Don't change your mind about it; her tears don't matter. If you decide it's over (and you already said that to her), then make sure she gets the message.

Edited August 5, 2010 by lordWilhelm

[Binster]

Sorry your stuck with this mate. I am not going to tell you what to do but all I can say is when I was your age, (I'm fifty now) I was cheated on and chucked her straight away. Could have been a bad decision who knows but I've never thought it was.

 

That said every situation is different. Good luck whatever you decide.

[Ruby Slippers]

During college, I spent a semester studying abroad, and I had numerous opportunities to have sex with gorgeous European men. While I admit I was tempted by one of them in particular, this German guy who was doing the international art program alongside me, I never crossed any lines, because I had a boyfriend back in the US. My relationship with him had been rocky and difficult for a while, but I still didn't cheat because that violates my principles and I could never do that to anyone.

 

Your girlfriend put your relationship at risk for one fleeting sexual encounter. To me, this says that when it comes down to it, you aren't that important to her. If she really loved you and really wanted to be with you long term, she would have made a different choice. I'd dump her if I were you.

[Dexter Morgan]

She also told me that she turned down the guy many times before and that she loves me and wants to be together when she comes home. When I asked why... she said it was just simple attraction between them.

 

If thats all it took to cheat was "simple attraction" and distance, then you can't trust her as far as you could throw her if she ever had to go away for business or something like that in the future.

 

Ya ya, she told you of her own free will that she cheated and that is admirable. I can at least give her kudos for that.

 

But if "simple" attraction was all it took, well guess what, there will be tons of guys she will be "simply" attracted to.

 

Best to cut your losses and find someone that doesn't act on simple attractions.

[maxil]

Haha. if you followed my threads... I'm also 21 and had ex [also of 3 years ] cheat on me. At least yours admitted. I had to fly over,. have a bit of fun, then find out...

 

I agree with what others have said. She cheated, she chose to cheat. She didn't stop herself and think about you. When I was getting temptations at the gym / girls chatting me up, I literally transferred/sold my gym membership and bought pieces for my home gym and started listening to songs that talked about "believing she's the one/you've found the *one*". She chose to cheat.

So do yourself a favour and Leave her

[NYCmitch25]

I'm 21 and I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend(also 21) for 3 years. We were getting along perfect, there were no real fights, and if there were, we would call each other at the end of the day and get back together; also I was her first real boyfriend(she was a virgin) and she is also my first long term girlfriend. Bottom line... our relationship was perfect. Until June this year, when she and one of her female friend went to oslo for a summer job. We trusted each other very much and chatted 3-4 times a week on I.M., things were going along just fine, until a couple of days ago she admitted she had cheated on me, but was terribly sorry and she regrets it. She said she couldn't forgive herself, and dosen't expect me to forgive her. After that, she told me that she considered fair for me to know now, and not to find out when she comes home(1st of september). She also told me that she turned down the guy many times before and that she loves me and wants to be together when she comes home. When I asked why... she said it was just simple attraction between them.As a first reaction I told her that she can forget me and that I don't want to see her again. I don't know the whole story, but she promised an explanation face to face when she returns, because arguing on I.M. is awkward.

 

I don't know what to do;

-if I take her back, i'm afraid i'll be devastated if she does this to me one more time, and the relationship wouldn't be the same

-if I don't take her back, I'll prove to myself that I'm strong enough to get past her, but I love her too much to let her go, plus, aside from this incident, in 3 years she never showed any interest in other men, because she is the shy type.

-what should I do until she gets back? Should I talk to her or should I ignore her?

-May I add that I, too have had the oportunity to cheat on her this summer, but I couldn't go through and I turned down the girl, because I loved my girlfriend too much and I couldn't hurt her.

 

I'm really heartbroken and for the past couple of days I lost my apetite and need light sedatives from time to time when I think of her, just to get past anxiety.

 

Please help me! I can't talk to my friends or family about this because I'm embarrased of being cheated on. It's my first real "break-up" so I really need your help.Thanks.

 

P.S. If there are any grammar mistakes, please excuse me, my mother tongue is not english.

 

Hello Mario - Italiano?

 

If she still truly loves you (but how does one gage this?), AND you still love her and can eventually truly trust her again (but again how does one gage this?) ... forgive her, 3 years is a lot of time to just throw away.

 

In other words, stay with her (since you love her) but if you find that you can not get past this, or that she's drifting away from you, just end the relationship. I think you need to be prepared to let go. Just don't be a loser about this, don't chase her around looking suspiciously at every other guy or try to find a way to cheat on her.

 

I think she deserves a second chance. A real man will understand that he is with a young woman, that you both could have done something like this and that finding some kind of reconciliation can happen. I think you want to stay with her, many times events such as this can strengthen marriages, perhaps it will do the same for you guys .. Good luck my friend..

 

PS> Basically @ 21 the odds are against you anyway but you never know.

 

PPS> Sorry about the World Cup ..LOL

Edited August 19, 2010 by NYCmitch25

[Joe Normal]

Break up with her. Good women don't cheat. Women who love you don't cheat. If she's cheated this early in the relationship, imagine when you are together a long time, she'll be dying to do it again! If you take her back then you are teaching her she can cheat on you and you won't break up with her - this'll teach her she can get away with cheating again.

 

There are plenty of good faithful honest women out there. Get rid of this lying skank and find a proper lady.

[EYECANDY000]

If you decide to take her back you can forgive, but you will never forget. It will always be a doubt in the back of your mind and you will always second guess any and every thing she says. And trust is basically the foundation of a relationship. If you do decide to remain with her you have to remember that you choose to stay in the relationship, which means not bringing up her cheating every chance you get. If you decided to forgive, then thats what you have to do.. FORGIVe...

 

Ive been cheated on, but I wasnt really with the guy at the time, so I dont know exactly how it feels. But I would say you need to let her go

[mario_ugk]

Thank you all for your advice; they really helped me make up my mind in a way or another.

 

In the past 2-3 weeks I've picked myself up, got the dirt off my shoulders and started partying with old friends, meeting new people, going to the gym, or the beach and to be honest it's working; I've gotten myself over her... not completely, but it's a start.

 

Anyway, still looking forward to a friendly chat with her when she comes back, just for informative purposes and to see what I can make of it, not to fight or anything uncivilised.

 

One day she will realise the mistake she's done and realise what she has lost. She, too will feel what i have felt now because what goes around comes around.

Thank you all for posting here, also further opinions are still appreciated.

[phineas]

Don't let her initiate sex.

It will mess with your mind & put you back to square one.

[NYCmitch25]

Break up with her. Good women don't cheat. Women who love you don't cheat. If she's cheated this early in the relationship, imagine when you are together a long time, she'll be dying to do it again! If you take her back then you are teaching her she can cheat on you and you won't break up with her - this'll teach her she can get away with cheating again.

 

There are plenty of good faithful honest women out there. Get rid of this lying skank and find a proper lady.

 

Hey, how's the air up there on your high horse ?

 

And early ? 3 years is "early" in the rship for you ?

[FryFish]

lol... MYCmitch... You have NO self respect if you think its cool for your SO to **** other people. And in the grand scheme of things YES, 3 years is a very short amount of time for a relationship.

[NYCmitch25]

lol... MYCmitch... You have NO self respect if you think its cool for your SO to **** other people. And in the grand scheme of things YES, 3 years is a very short amount of time for a relationship.

 

 

"For ALL cases of cheating, ALL couples HAVE to separate."

 

Yeah that's the "only" way one can look at it <shakes head> .

[lilyy.12]

the best advice is to forget her.yes because i dont know about you but i could never trust her. againnn.

 

if you wan to give it a shot try to trust her again go ahead maybe its worth it. but atleast dont give in to easy because if you do then she make it a habit that youl be her doormat & thats not right

make her earn your trsut,

 

i wish you luck my friend:)

 

 

-XOXO:love:

[markdonald]

Mario my advice to yous is forget her.