stalking, online and otherwise?

[just_some_guy]

I post here under a pseudonym. I don't want to be stalked online by my estranged W, whom I've been living apart from for some nearly 6 months now.

 

I got a call a couple of days ago from her, claiming she had, "received information that I am romantically involved with someone" frantically demanding that I come talk to her immediately. Of course, she won't tell me what it is she thinks she knows, demanding that I "come clean" with her.

 

Thing is, I'm not romantically involved. I have friends, some female, that I see socially for dinner, drinks and so on. But I haven't slept with anyone, or played hanky-panky with. It's just not happening while I'm in the waiting for divorce limbo state. Some are interesting to me, but it hasn't gone anywhere. My bed has been mine and mine alone all this time.

 

All I can figure is she must be stalking me online, and construed something posted in a user name that I do identifiably use on some other unrelated web board as meaning I had a romantic involvement.

 

I refused to go see her, especially in this emotional state. Nothing good can come of it.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Trust your instincts - nothing good can come of it.

[wrencn]

Pshaw, she's calling your bluff. I use to do it to my husband and he would always spill his guts. I never knew anything really, just had an inkling of suspicion. Ha! Always remember to plead the 1,2,3,4..................5th!!!!

[solitary_man]

never worked on my XW. Hell, I could play log tapes of conversations she had with the OM and she'd still deny it.

[just_some_guy]

Sometimes I wish I had done something to feel guilty about so when I got "busted" for it, I'd at least have some consolation about the fun I'd already had.

[hopesndreams]

Why does she think what you do is any of her business?

 

She's not in limbo still, is she?

 

If she is, you have only yourself to blame for her intrusions on your life.

[cavedweller]

just some guy,

 

If the marriage is over get a divorce and put it behind you..

[just_some_guy]

I have been absolutely crystal clear. There is nothing mistakable about looking someone right in the eyes and saying, "It is over. It isn't going to work out. You have to retain a lawyer and get through this. I will go to a counseling session with you, but I will say the same thing there. Please, let me go. We will both be better afterwards."

 

She said she needed 2 weeks to find a lawyer she liked better, wanted to see her therapist a couple of times and set an appointment with a couples counselor, one more time. I said, "OK" and left.

 

After several months of separation, more than a half dozen couples counseling sessions that went no where, I would think it would be quite clear.

[cavedweller]

just some guy,

 

Have you hired an attorney and filed for a divorce?

[hopesndreams]

I have been absolutely crystal clear. There is nothing mistakable about looking someone right in the eyes and saying, "It is over. It isn't going to work out. You have to retain a lawyer and get through this. I will go to a counseling session with you, but I will say the same thing there. Please, let me go. We will both be better afterwards."

 

She said she needed 2 weeks to find a lawyer she liked better, wanted to see her therapist a couple of times and set an appointment with a couples counselor, one more time. I said, "OK" and left.

 

After several months of separation, more than a half dozen couples counseling sessions that went no where, I would think it would be quite clear.

 

With some people it takes a little more convincing.

 

Not that long ago, from what I read, you were keeping her on that string.

 

Don't make me dig up that post.

[hopesndreams]

She said she needed 2 weeks to find a lawyer she liked better, wanted to see her therapist a couple of times and set an appointment with a couples counselor, one more time. I said, "OK" and left.

 

Well, there ya go. No digging needed.

 

To you, it's been several months. To her, no where near.

[just_some_guy]

just some guy,

 

Have you hired an attorney and filed for a divorce?

 

Attorney hired. We agreed to collaborative process, rather than litigated process (file petition, get served, etc). May have to switch to litigation lawyer.

 

That was months ago.

 

The timeline for the last 9 months:

 

Stated clearly I was having problems in the marriage and was seeking IC.

Went to IC.

Arranged MC.

Went to MC.

MC went poorly. She fights with MC.

Left house.

Continued MC.

MC continued to go poorly. (same deal)

Ended MC, said I was ready to talk with lawyers.

W goes off deep-end, needs psychiatric treatment.

Put everything on hold few weeks.

Meds stabilize.

Go back to MC after all IC's and everyone else says give it one more try.

MC goes poorly, again. W fights with counselors.

Reiterated in MC session that I was ready to end it, saw no future.

W storms out, hysterical.

W back to shrink.

W stops working, goes on disability.

I retain lawyer, not sure how to proceed financially, legally or otherwise.

W starts acting like I never said it was over.

Things get weird, time goes by.

W internet stalks me first time, has big blow up about something written on a message board.

Have long talk, said it was over, it is time to get it done.

W agrees to collab process. Cries, says she knows it is time.

W talks to lawyer, doesn't retain.

W starts acting like it is going to work out, keeps saying I love you and stuff.

I stop wearing my ring.

W notices - after weeks. Goes ballistic.

Have a long talk, it really is over. W seems accepting of that.

W asks for more time. OK.

W starts acting like it will work out, starts saying I love you.

Have a long talk, face to face, it ain't going to work out.

W needs a couple of weeks.

W starts with the "I love you" thing again.

W goes back to work.

W "received information" (have no idea what, if any). Goes ballistic on phone with wild accusations and threats.

W seems to have abandoned job.

 

Left house six months ago. She was provided ample money to hire a lawyer and spent it. Was provided ample money, spent it all and then some. Hasn't worked in 5 months. I pay mortgage and my rent, other bills.

[just_some_guy]

She said she needed 2 weeks to find a lawyer she liked better, wanted to see her therapist a couple of times and set an appointment with a couples counselor, one more time. I said, "OK" and left.

 

Well, there ya go. No digging needed.

 

To you, it's been several months. To her, no where near.

 

According to the calendar, it has been several months.

[marsbars]

Obviously your W mental state is in severe question. Give up on divorcing the nice way. Have your lawyer put the paper work together and get it to the court. Serve her papers. Sounds like she will string you along forever if you let her. I have a little more than a month and a half to D day. And trust me when I found out that it had finally been received by the court I was a happy man. Just do it. Your being too nice to her and only hurting yourself. You will never be able to heal all the way and move on with your life.

[turnstone]

Although it is crystal clear in your own mind, there are several things you've done that have sent out a different signal to your wife. You agreed to counseling on more than one occasion. You have retained a lawyer but not taken further steps. You have agreed to 'another couple of weeks'. All these actions are at best muddying the waters and at worst giving the impression you still want your marriage.

 

Regardless of your current position and your desire to create an amicable, non litigious divorce, its apparent from your wife's behaviour that that isn't going to happen.