What if you want to be friends?

[Nikki Sahagin]

I realise NC is the best way to go to get over your ex, move on and in most cases, cut them out of your life completely. But what is the best way to go if you want to be friends, particularly if you were the one dumped?

 

Me and my ex split a year ago now and we last saw each other in Febuary. During this time i've gone NC and then LC and then NC again. My pride, sensitivity, beliefs, idealism, hopes and sense of self and boundaries have all taken a massive pounding. I've never felt so much hurt and misery before in my life.

 

Coming through the other side, learning my ex is seeing a new girl and learning how to be happy again and also getting feelings for new people myself, is making me feel I may want to be friends with him again.

 

The ONLY thing holding me back is the way my ex last spoke to me.

 

I genuinely feel at this point that I am over him and the relationship. I dont know if that might resurface at any point but I feel that I am far more in control of myself and I am extremely confident that I don't feel anything for him nor want him back. I DO miss the friend he used to be to me as in the past before we got together he was my best friend. Therefore our history didn't start with dating or a relationship but with friendship, so it seems as I get over things and my relationship with him fades to neutral, that friendship is the natural state of things. Of course not the intense best friend friendship we used to have, especially as he is seeing someone, but to be on friendly terms and rebuild some friendly closeness. I've had time to think and I believe that this is what I want.

 

But as I was saying, the way my ex has been with me is the only thing standing in the way.

 

Because of rumours he has heard (I don't know who said what or why) he has been rude to me the last time we spoke and so we have not ended things on good terms.

 

He is very stubborn and proud and obviously must believe these rumours. I don't know what he might have heard that could make him so angry but I DO know for a fact thats its untrue.

 

Do you think I should speak to him to ask what he heard and tell him I didn't do anything and that i'm interested in being friends? Or should I wait for him to apologise and be the one making amends with me?

 

I'm torn on this because I know rationally that he shouldn't have ASSUMED the rumours were true and he should have addressed the issue with me in a mature way rather than swear and be cruel. BUT I don't know what he heard and what might have pushed him to react that way.

 

Is it wise me reaching out when i've done nothing wrong? As he was the one to be rude, shouldn't he be the one apologising? But if I never reach out, he will never know that I want to be friends.

 

What are your thoughts?

[carhill]

IMO, it depends on what you term a 'friendship'. In my case, I could never have the kind of friendship with stbx that I have with my close friends simply because she doesn't have the capacity and/or interest in being that kind of friend. We'd still be married if she could. I'm sure she still wants me as a friend (and has demonstrated so) because I'm 'useful' to have around.

 

If you have a wide, loosely organized circle of friends whom you don't really count on to be there for you, your ex might fit right into that dynamic. I doubt he could or would ever be a close, caring friend (or the reverse) but would be happy to be wrong, because I think such friendships are quite rare and valuable.

 

What are the rumors he's heard?

[Nikki Sahagin]

IMO, it depends on what you term a 'friendship'. In my case, I could never have the kind of friendship with stbx that I have with my close friends simply because she doesn't have the capacity and/or interest in being that kind of friend. We'd still be married if she could. I'm sure she still wants me as a friend (and has demonstrated so) because I'm 'useful' to have around.

 

If you have a wide, loosely organized circle of friends whom you don't really count on to be there for you, your ex might fit right into that dynamic. I doubt he could or would ever be a close, caring friend (or the reverse) but would be happy to be wrong, because I think such friendships are quite rare and valuable.

 

What are the rumors he's heard?

 

I suppose to me 'friendship' covers a broad spectrum of people as I am quite friendly and open to people I meet.

 

I count anyone I get on with, no matter how little I see them or speak with them, as a friend, but obviously I have my close and real friendships; people that are like my brothers and sisters to me.

 

I'm not expecting him to be that type of friend. Its more that I want to be on friendly terms. He expressed in the past that he wants our super close friendship back again one day; I don't think thats realistic but I know that was always his intention and who knows? Perhaps possible.

 

He used to be the perfect best friend. Our history relationship-wise may ruin that. He has contacted me many times asking and offering to be friends no matter how long it takes and I have always said at the time that I couldn't, but now I don't feel that anymore. My gut says friendship is possible.

 

He basically has heard that i've been talking about him and saying horrible things. I don't know what he heard because I didn't question him further, because I thought I didn't need to defend myself or convince him of my innocence. I was offended with the way he addressed the situation.

 

I've asked my mum and she says I shouldn't speak to him because of the way he spoke to me, but because I don't really know what he's heard, I don't know that I should just leave things quietly.

[DenverBachelor]

I've asked my mum and she says I shouldn't speak to him because of the way he spoke to me, but because I don't really know what he's heard, I don't know that I should just leave things quietly.

 

There are plenty of people in this world to befriend. You need not resort to having to do so with an ex to feel better about life.

 

Let the past sit comfortably in the past.

[Nikki Sahagin]

There are plenty of people in this world to befriend. You need not resort to having to do so with an ex to feel better about life.

 

Let the past sit comfortably in the past.

 

I see what you're saying and though I do agree, I also feel that the friends that have shared our pasts are the precious ones and if we can carry them through with us, then thats very special. I also don't really want to leave the past if its affecting me. That is, if his friendship meant something to me, I would like that to be part of my life if possible rather than let it go.

 

I think sometimes its easier to 'be lazy' and let things and people go when a little bit of effort and communication can bring people together and keep the people that meant something to you, a part of your life.

 

I'm not saying my ex would necessarily become this, but I do have this sense that cutting people loose and letting go of the past is not always right. Otherwise, it would be easy to just let go of everyone and continuously replace them with new buddies. I realise thats not exactly what you are saying, you just mean that an ex needed be a friend, especially if you have to think about it, but it seems a shame to waste a friendship that mattered so much.

[carhill]

Personally, I'd leave things be and let time pass.

 

Thanks for clarifying your dynamic. I have a wide circle of what I term 'acquaintances' all over the world whom I stay in touch with on a casual basis, mainly surrounding common interests. We always enjoy our times together without substantial expectations. I could see stbx as one of those such persons; perhaps a 'friend' in that sense, provided she stopped hoovering my skill set. Maybe that will subside after the divorce is final, IDK. Perhaps that is the impetus for my advice to just let things lie for now. All in due time...

[skydiveaddict]

I agree with Carhill. Why be friends with someone who hurt you like that? It's a form of self-abuse

[Nikki Sahagin]

Personally, I'd leave things be and let time pass.

 

Thanks for clarifying your dynamic. I have a wide circle of what I term 'acquaintances' all over the world whom I stay in touch with on a casual basis, mainly surrounding common interests. We always enjoy our times together without substantial expectations. I could see stbx as one of those such persons; perhaps a 'friend' in that sense, provided she stopped hoovering my skill set. Maybe that will subside after the divorce is final, IDK. Perhaps that is the impetus for my advice to just let things lie for now. All in due time...

 

So you think I should just go with the flow and see what happens? I'm worried if one of us doesn't address the issue, the 'rumours' will fester on his side. I realise though that would be his fault for not discussing things with me, but I still feel I have some responsibility to do my part.

 

Yes I think that is the point right there. Its all about expectations. I'm not expecting friendship to lead to anything or for us to have the friendship we once did. I also know though that sometimes we can trick ourselves and our true wants and desires can lay hidden behind what we THINK we want, so I will let more time pass to be sure that friendship is all i'd want. Otherwise its clearly a dangerous slope.

 

I suppose friendship, if its real, never dies.

 

Unfortunately he is very stubborn and proud and when angry, not easy to speak to. Also, I'd hate for a friendship to die because of rumours and lies. In saying that, a real friend would ask you first rather than believe blindly.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I agree with Carhill. Why be friends with someone who hurt you like that? It's a form of self-abuse

 

Well, I suppose because i've *cliche alert* grown from the situation and changed, I assume he has too.

 

As we were friends to begin with, it seems natural to return to that dynamic. I think the friendship would be a form of healing. Its like a phoenix out of the ashes. If a friendship can be salvaged from the wreck of a relationship thats a great thing.

 

Its hard for me to explain just how important his friendship was to me and how much I valued him.

 

My only concern is, yes i've changed and I could be a friend to him, but could he to me? As you say about self-abuse, if they haven't grown or changed and can't be a good friend to you, it will only result in more pain. Thats what was hindering me. Because I don't know he COULD be that friend, but I also know regrets spiral out of miscommunication and i'm not afraid to let pride come before a fall as I used to be when I was too proud to say sorry or say what I felt. These days I normally go for it and say it because I think regrets stem from what we don't do, more than what we do. Hope that clarifies my mindset on the matter a little.

[carhill]

The way I see it is you know how to contact each other and, in time, your perspective will balance out, emotionally, and you may view the dynamic completely differently than you do now.

 

I can tell you I view our 'dynamic' far differently than a year ago. Far more realistically. With better boundaries. With less rancor and frustration. Times change. Feelings change.

 

TBH, it sounds like you still have a fair amount of emotional investment here. Part of transitioning to 'friends', if that is to occur, is to lessen one's 'expectations' of the other. Let it go. He's not your SO anymore; those rules don't apply. Someday he might again be your friend and, sure, he should ask you about rumors he hears. That's for another time and place in your future. You're not there yet, IMO. Let it not matter first, then work your way back to friends. The only person you can control is you. Good luck

[spriggig]

You're going to to what you want, of course. I agree with the others, wait. Err on the side of caution and hold out a little longer.

 

This shouldn't be something you pursue because "maybe" and "possibly" it could work, considering the history. This should be something that seems definitely right and valuable.

 

How about waiting until New Year? Then if it all goes south again, at least Christmas won't be ruined.

[DenverBachelor]

 

I think sometimes its easier to 'be lazy' and let things and people go when a little bit of effort and communication can bring people together and keep the people that meant something to you, a part of your life.

 

In my life, my best friends (which I can count on one hand) were effortless friendships. It was just a symbiosis that transcends "trying" to maintain the friendship. We could go without speaking for months and then catch up as if we never left off.

 

An ex is a very different situation. You shared some huge experiences that impacted both of your lives in a major way. Generally you'll share and grow to know things about each other that nobody, not even family, know about you.

 

If one decides to end the relationship, it doesn't just "automatically" revert back to friendship. Lovers aren't a step above friendship but in my opinion it is a far step horizontally.

 

That kind of love can leave people very jaded -- unwilling to want to fall in love again. A life with love will see its share of thorns, but a life devoid of love will never know of roses.

 

You can't "force" friendship with an ex. It takes a lot of time -- sometimes years -- before two people can come back together in friendship. Most of the time, the end sends shock waves through both people, friends and family and they never become friends again.

[mickleb]

Nikki-

 

One month ago you wrote this:

 

I know for DEFINATE tonight that I cannot speak to my ex again, unless he travelled through the depths of hell, juggled unicorns and walked across broken glass for 50 years with a sign around his neck saying 'i'm a ****'.

 

Less than two weeks ago you wrote this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t239133/

 

And a day later, this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t239290/

 

Are you trying to tell us you have beaten your depression, completely gotten over and 100% forgiven your ex?

 

You are still depressed, Nikki. You want to recapture a fragment of what it felt like when you were happy with him. When you didn't feel depressed.

 

But all you will do is invite someone who has a history of hurting you badly back into you life so they can do the same again. Old habits die hard, eh?

 

You need to be a much better friend to yourself. Can you be?

 

x

[Nikki Sahagin]

Nikki-

 

One month ago you wrote this:

 

 

 

Less than two weeks ago you wrote this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t239133/

 

And a day later, this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t239290/

 

Are you trying to tell us you have beaten your depression, completely gotten over and 100% forgiven your ex?

 

You are still depressed, Nikki. You want to recapture a fragment of what it felt like when you were happy with him. When you didn't feel depressed.

 

But all you will do is invite someone who has a history of hurting you badly back into you life so they can do the same again. Old habits die hard, eh?

 

You need to be a much better friend to yourself. Can you be?

 

x

 

Haha, I am INCREDIBLY fickle. I do change my mind like the wind. So I am going to let time pass and think about things and see what I REALLY feel.

 

I've definately not beaten depression but i'm taking steps and feeling much more positive and happier, but I am probably just making a big decision based on my happy mood at the moment, I don't know that I wont revert.

 

I do think I am over him though. That parts harder to explain. But I am very aware that I could not be because as I said, my feelings come and go. I think its him i'm over, but not the friendship - that still plays on my mind sometimes.

 

And the first thread I wrote was written in anger. As i've calmed down, I don't think i'll NEVER speak to him again. Realistically with me and him, we will probably bump into each other; we have endless mutual friends, will be invited to mutual places and live 15 mins around the corner from each other - so I think at some point we will speak again.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Though...there is more than just wanting his friendship behind my motivation to talk to him. I want to set straight this rumour thing, find out from him who said what and set it straight. Is it worth it? Or should I forget it? Its annoying me not knowing who I can't trust.

[mickleb]

You have to find your own closure, Nikki. Questions just lead to more questions: you know this.

 

The issue you need to be focusing on is your depression. Once you've done that, you'll be able to trust yourself. Trust yourself and you'll know who else to trust.

 

x

[Nikki Sahagin]

You have to find your own closure, Nikki. Questions just lead to more questions: you know this.

 

The issue you need to be focusing on is your depression. Once you've done that, you'll be able to trust yourself. Trust yourself and you'll know who else to trust.

 

x

 

I think that might bring me closure as it is playing on my mind. Of course I don't know that he will answer my questions, but he is the only one that can.

 

I realise the depression is the first issue but I also know that resolving something like depression is a long term committment that is ongoing, taking months or years, and usually with depression, it is not fixable but it becoms managable, and you learn to cope more positively with the phases. I also know that this ex issue is happening now and waiting months or years to be on top of depression is only going to push me further away from dealing with this problem with my ex now. In the future, it will only be pathetic me addressing it, but dealing with it in the hear and now, where its relevent, is really the only time I can sort this out.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Without going into detail, i've got my closure.

I went for it and he is not one to give me answers, so thats helped me realise my closure must come from me and not from him. Thanks everyone for your advice on the matter:)