Question about those who can't let go... is it just fear or is it something more?

[Myowntwofeet]

I'm back:bunny:

 

And of course, I am going to post thoughts that envoke all kinds of responses... but I like that, even if we don't all agree.

 

Quick update as to ward off any "she's the one still in C"... yes, I am and you know what for me, it has been incredibly healing. I see things that I missed, my expectations are higher now than they were but my expectations for "us" have all but diminished. We email, talk and more often than not that is about work, music and mutual likes. I am separating, naturally...and I find it relieving to know I can love someone and I can let them go without a hammer.

 

Enough about me.

 

I write in a blog, nothing that would identify myself unless you personally know me...but a blog of my life as it has been, the challenges and the reality this relationship has brought.

 

In time, many bloggers have added me ( I them) and we follow each other through this journey. Similar to hear but not nearly as negative and far more open to allowing each to walk their own street so to speak.

 

I have a pretty good mix of OW and surprisingly MM or MW that I follow and something literally just struck me.

 

We don't see a lot of "recovered" WS here....but at least half of who follow my blog, are.

 

A couple resonate with me... each day they write about the challenges, the dreams they have had about the affair person and the tears, struggles. Several of them keep stats ( mostly MW) but every week they stat how long since the A, how long since the Ending, how long since they have "recommitted" to the marriage, etc etc.

 

I would bet about 90% of the blogging is about missing said AP, but how they "know" this is the right thing..again for various reasons, including loving their H/W and many are well past the 1 or even 2 year mark of the affair ending.

 

So, while everyone touts NC, resuming the M if possible, Recovering, ...... is there no one that thinks that MAYBE still wanting, caring, being emotional effected by the AP or the A 1 or 2 years out.... MAY just mean something else..... oh, I don't know.... that they actually love the affair person and perhaps made the wrong choice?

 

Seriously, how come we are so adamant that it is fog....what if people are wrong, and god knows we would really never know since so very few actually brave the cold waters of the unknown.

 

Sometimes I listen ( read) and I see them actually feeling as if because of the affair they "deserve whatever they get" and should just be grateful H/W didn't kick them to the curb.

 

Maybe, but maybe those dreams, those emotions that continue without presence, maybe just maybe they are speaking something else other than fantasy..... I know, impossible.

[pureinheart]

I'm back:bunny:

 

And of course, I am going to post thoughts that envoke all kinds of responses... but I like that, even if we don't all agree.

 

Quick update as to ward off any "she's the one still in C"... yes, I am and you know what for me, it has been incredibly healing. I see things that I missed, my expectations are higher now than they were but my expectations for "us" have all but diminished. We email, talk and more often than not that is about work, music and mutual likes. I am separating, naturally...and I find it relieving to know I can love someone and I can let them go without a hammer.

 

 

Hi MOTF...you are way cool BTW.

 

Yes, I had to do the grueling NC more times than I care to think about, in those prior times it was definitely needed.

 

We were hanging on with a cordial presense, and that was finally severed. No yelling, screaming, name calling ...he hung up on me because I knew something he didn't know that I knew and haven't spoken since. I have no fight in me, I just don't care anymore.

 

I've known for quite sometime that he wasn't the one (actually Keanu Reeves is...hehehehe). I hung on to the unreal, but have chosen to go back in the real.

 

Am neither happy or sad, just here...have been getting much accomplished, and am rather pleased with myself.

 

Take care MOTF...

[Myowntwofeet]

Hi MOTF...you are way cool BTW.

 

Yes, I had to do the grueling NC more times than I care to think about, in those prior times it was definitely needed.

 

We were hanging on with a cordial presense, and that was finally severed. No yelling, screaming, name calling ...he hung up on me because I knew something he didn't know that I knew and haven't spoken since. I have no fight in me, I just don't care anymore.

 

I've known for quite sometime that he wasn't the one (actually Keanu Reeves is...hehehehe). I hung on to the unreal, but have chosen to go back in the real.

 

Am neither happy or sad, just here...have been getting much accomplished, and am rather pleased with myself.

 

Take care MOTF...

 

Hi Pure....don't say I am too cool too loud......you will get a sideswipe! lol;)

 

Thanks thought.

 

I am so glad to hear you are starting to make yourself happy...really, isn't that what it is all about?

 

I find my blog really interesting and insightful... primarily because it is full of WS who are clearly not as " moved on" as many here suggest.... we seldom see that side of the coin, and here is mostly BS ....who I understand need to believe their S ( and I am not suggesting theirs aren't) are in the marriage for them.

 

But there are far more WS struggling silently with their choices and reading literally blog after blog today of ' missing, dreams" it made me wonder if and at what point to we give credit to our subconscious and recognize that maybe just maybe the initial choice to return was made out of fear or in some cases fear of the A relationship.

 

And if that is the case..... how does one know that their WS is really back for the right reasons......

 

Ah, affairs...... a mess for everyone!!! that I think we can all agree on.

[September]

Great post! I often wonder what MM are really going through when reconciling. I too have been reading a great blog on a MM that is incredibly torn between his W and xAP.

[sadintexas]

I don't mean any disrespect towards you personally, but in reading the post and considering the pain of the MP the thought that crosses my mind is "who cares?".

 

The MP is the one making the choice to stay in the M. If they are that miserable, then they have the right to make a different choice. Any day they can make it different, but they don't. Every day that they go home to the BS, they recommit to being in the M at least one more day. They choose to suffer in silence because they DO have the power to make it different.

 

The AP suffers by their own hand as well. The difference is the AP doesn't have the power to bring the relationship into the light of day. The only power they have to make a change is to walk away.

[anothersadstory]

september, i dont think that we're allowed to post links here but is there anyway you could direct me on how to google the blog youre talking about? i would love to read it.

[September]

Are you able to pm me? I am not sure how to. More than happy to give you the blog address.

[anothersadstory]

i dont have PM yet. hmm...im really interested though.

[September]

i dont have PM yet. hmm...im really interested though.

 

Neither do I, anyone have any suggestions?

[Myowntwofeet]

I think you have to have a set amount of time or posts or combination of both

 

The blog usually has a name so even without the link, you should be able to search either wordpress or blogspot (most common ones)

 

Try going to word press and typing in infidelity, married man,affairs, etc.... you may end up finding the one she is referring too.

 

I would be happy to give out mine....but can't type the link, lol!

[Silly_Girl]

I don't mean any disrespect towards you personally, but in reading the post and considering the pain of the MP the thought that crosses my mind is "who cares?".

 

The MP is the one making the choice to stay in the M. If they are that miserable, then they have the right to make a different choice. Any day they can make it different, but they don't. Every day that they go home to the BS, they recommit to being in the M at least one more day. They choose to suffer in silence because they DO have the power to make it different.

 

The AP suffers by their own hand as well. The difference is the AP doesn't have the power to bring the relationship into the light of day. The only power they have to make a change is to walk away.

 

Great post!

 

The only one without a choice is BS...

[pureinheart]

Hi Pure....don't say I am too cool too loud......you will get a sideswipe! lol;)

 

Thanks thought.

 

I am so glad to hear you are starting to make yourself happy...really, isn't that what it is all about?

 

I find my blog really interesting and insightful... primarily because it is full of WS who are clearly not as " moved on" as many here suggest.... we seldom see that side of the coin, and here is mostly BS ....who I understand need to believe their S ( and I am not suggesting theirs aren't) are in the marriage for them.

 

But there are far more WS struggling silently with their choices and reading literally blog after blog today of ' missing, dreams" it made me wonder if and at what point to we give credit to our subconscious and recognize that maybe just maybe the initial choice to return was made out of fear or in some cases fear of the A relationship.

 

And if that is the case..... how does one know that their WS is really back for the right reasons......

 

Ah, affairs...... a mess for everyone!!! that I think we can all agree on.

 

I really do believe there are cases in which the M does completely recover. I just never experienced that. My MO was once they found another, so did I, and lost completely all love and did not look back:eek:.

 

The WS's I worked with were never able to recover the M either and ended up with the AP 100% of the time.

 

Personally, I am of the opinion that a person who has an A is done with the M.

 

I know exDM suffered in silence, he hated his life because he was afraid if he left she would take him to the cleaners. He needed her to force the hand and she did...it's just really sad, those that go through this...

 

Your blog is very insightful and powerful...no one says much about the WS and what they go through...in most cases they are considered worse than the OM/OW...I dumped on the WS for a time, although realised they are not the object of my pain...nobody is...my pain is my own and no one is responsible for that except me...even if they did purposely hurt me:eek:

[September]

The WS's I worked with were never able to recover the M either and ended up with the AP 100% of the time.

 

Personally, I am of the opinion that a person who has an A is done with the M.

 

I know exDM suffered in silence, he hated his life because he was afraid if he left she would take him to the cleaners. He needed her to force the hand and she did...it's just really sad, those that go through this...

 

Very interesting response...I too feel that you have an affair (more so long term) when you have emotionally left the marriage. This was definately the case for me.

 

There is a part of me (maybe wishful thinking), that feels he had the same concerns. His W went straight to a lawyer after D-Day and came back to him with a huge list of financial demands. She also really used his children against him and that terrified him, he didn't want to lose them.

 

In your experience, how long did it take for the WS to realise that they still loved and wanted to be with their AP?

[joey66]

So, while everyone touts NC, resuming the M if possible, Recovering, ...... is there no one that thinks that MAYBE still wanting, caring, being emotional effected by the AP or the A 1 or 2 years out.... MAY just mean something else..... oh, I don't know.... that they actually love the affair person and perhaps made the wrong choice?

 

I am a card-carrying member of the "those who can't let go" club. MW and I were never going to leave our respective Ms, so I don't think I made the wrong choice. (She did, dammit!) But the rest of it describes my situation perfectly. As I wrote in another thread just recently, I am in love with MW and I suspect I always will be.

 

I absolutely believe it happens sometimes that an A isn't just about sex, or being with someone new, or because the APs are weak-willed individuals with boundary issues, etc. Sometimes people fall in love.

 

Really. No, really.

[Spark1111]

fBS here...

 

One of the hardest things to see in R is your WS grieve the loss of their AP.

 

Another hard thing to bear is their inability to talk of them without the fear of causing you, the BS, pain.

 

But I've known him since forever, and I was willing and open to having him share all with me.

 

Whether out of shame or guilt, (self-imposed) he would not for a very long time.

 

I think true healing is apparent when H and W have gotten to a place where these conversations about the A and the AP can take place without acrimony.

 

And as in all relationships, we are both free to leave when we choose to.

[sadintexas]

I just personally don't think that pondering whether or not the MP is in love with the AP, or wondering how the MP really feels is of real use to the AP. If anything, the idea of true love and suffering by the MP at the loss of, or the inability to be with the AP would only serve to keep the AP emotionally (at least) tied to the situation.

 

The AP needs to think about him/herself and what is healthy and right for them. Feelings are of little use when action does not follow them.

 

I'm quite sure that my xMM suffered when I ended the R. He tries now to keep any shred of it alive that he can. But damnit, I did my fair share of suffering as well. Not only at the end of the R, but during the A as well. As it is his decision to stay where he is (at least for now), I had to make the decision which was best for me which was to move on with my life. To worry about how he felt or wonder how he was handling it would have been counterproductive to what I needed to do. I needed to focus on my own healing.

 

Again, if the MP is suffering so, they can get off their butts and do something about it. There are laws in place that (usually) ensure a rather fair division of property, assets, child custody, etc. People survive divorce all the time.

[piscis]

Letting go is one of the most difficult things in the world because besides letting go the person you are in love wityh you are letting go all the dremas and illusions you had in the relationship.

 

Someone posted that a person who has an affair is done with the marriage I dont think this is completly true because they choose to remain married they can of course choose to leave and deal with the consequences but sometimes they do not even consider this an option.

 

Anyway, when my MM was out of his marital home for 2 months (BS discovered the A and kicked him out) and he was so determined not to go back and started talking about a life together of course I made dreams about it, then when he told me he was getting back just for his daughter's sake he destroyed my heart in a way I can not even remember without crying.

And I tell to my self that he loves me or otherwise he would have tried to do things better in his M and he rather stays with me, but I want to belive that, because that makes me feel fine.

My point here is that everyday I am trying to let go at least of the idea of "us" and I am trying of seeing him for what he really is and I think it has been harder for me letting go the idea of what I thought he was, or what I wanted him to be.

 

Anyway...

[norajane]

I think you have to consider your representative sample. Sure, the MP's that follow your blog are still stuck in their feelings. If they weren't, they wouldn't be seeking out blogs like yours to follow in the first place, and wouldn't perpetuate their stuck feelings by continuing to follow a blog about affairs and wouldn't be keeping track of the days since their affair. The MP's who have moved on, have done just that - moved on and don't look for affair blogs.

 

Having said that, it doesn't to an OP a lot of good if their ex-MP pines or not. It might be good for OP's ego if that were true and if the OP knew about it, but other than that, it's just one piece of information. The most significant piece of information, and what is fact, is that whatever the MP feels, it's not compelling enough for them to make the choice to leave their marriages.

 

Like with all break-ups and divorces, some people move on relatively soon, and some people wallow for a long time, and some people never get over it in one way or another. Affairs are no different.

[czecze]

Letting go is one of the most difficult things in the world because besides letting go the person you are in love with you are letting go all the dremas and illusions you had in the relationship.

 

Someone posted that a person who has an affair is done with the marriage I dont think this is completly true because they choose to remain married they can of course choose to leave and deal with the consequences but sometimes they do not even consider this an option.

 

Anyway, when my MM was out of his marital home for 2 months (BS discovered the A and kicked him out) and he was so determined not to go back and started talking about a life together of course I made dreams about it, then when he told me he was getting back just for his daughter's sake he destroyed my heart in a way I can not even remember without crying.

And I tell to my self that he loves me or otherwise he would have tried to do things better in his M and he rather stays with me, but I want to belive that, because that makes me feel fine.

My point here is that everyday I am trying to let go at least of the idea of "us" and I am trying of seeing him for what he really is and I think it has been harder for me letting go the idea of what I thought he was, or what I wanted him to be.

 

Anyway...

 

exactly...I cannot put it better myself...the most difficult part is letting go of all the dreams and illusions..that I have been building up for so many years...It is like I don't even know him anymore, or I made him all up, that he is never real...

So like you said, I have to learn to accept what I want from him will never become a reality, I harbor no resentment because I want to respect his decision whatever it is..I only wish he would just tell me honestly rather than keep his silence.

But I guess it does not even matter anymore, does it?

Last time he contacted me he told me he wanted to send me something that he has bought me but he never did, but I am not even disappointed because I was not really expecting anything any more..sometimes I just wonder, why did he even bother to contact me and say such thing when he has no intention to carry through.

He once told me that I understand him most, more than his family or his friends, and I am actually ok with the friendship thing ( or you guys would think I am lying to myself?) but at the end, we are not even friends.

we are nothing...perhaps it is all in my imagination! that I dream him up...

 

"everyday I am trying to let go at least of the idea of "us" and I am trying to see him for what he really is and I think it has been harder for me letting go the idea of what I thought he was, or what I wanted him to be."