sadintexas Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 I think it also illustrates when the A is given the opportunity to become a full time relationship, it is not as magical as they orginally thought. The ongoing honeymoon phase created by the affair dynamics is not really sustainable in the light of day.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 I think it also illustrates when the A is given the opportunity to become a full time relationship, it is not as magical as they orginally thought. The ongoing honeymoon phase created by the affair dynamics is not really sustainable in the light of day. To me in illustrates the fact that this man enjoys manipulating women to stroke his own ego. If it were some other woman that he was chasing (and it may be as well) then maybe, if he told W#2 that he was unhappy, then maybe, but he seems to be enjoying continuing to play one against the other, which is kind of twisted if you ask me.
Jilly Bean Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 To me in illustrates the fact that this man enjoys manipulating women to stroke his own ego. If it were some other woman that he was chasing (and it may be as well) then maybe, if he told W#2 that he was unhappy, then maybe, but he seems to be enjoying continuing to play one against the other, which is kind of twisted if you ask me. Exactly! It's not a commentary on the success of his OW marriage, nor the failure of his first marriage to the OP. It's an illustration of a very sick individual who has NO problem ruining lives, manipulating and using people. OW wife seems to have a better grasp of what a scum bag he really is though, since she seems ready to give him up, rather than tolerate his cheating. Oy. So sad.
herenow Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Maybe this MM feels that since his present wife had no problem with him cheating on his exW, she wouldn't mind if he did the same to her. In any case, why would you want him back? Sounds like the OP got the good end of the deal in this situation.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 My xh and I have been talking about maybe getting back together so quite a few texts and calls back and forth. His new wife and FOW has been checking the cell phone bill and I got the following text from her yesterday... "I'm tired of your stupid gameplaying. If u want him back so bad - he's yours. Just let me know if he is moving in with you or if you are moving back. I know you are doing this to get back at me and you win the prize - xh name - enjoy having him back." She sent this to him and to me. Do you think I should respond? dont know how you should respond. question is, if you want a cheater back, then you are a glutton for punishment. this xH must be a real smooth player.
califnan Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 You're seriously considering taking this guy back? WOW. Question, though. Do many BS's turn into OW? I would think they would despise anything to do with infidelity. But, I will say that this story illustrates what I believe to be true: ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER. ------------------- I don't think this is that rare, in that cheaters do have more new-buyer's remorse than people are aware .. Talk about confusion .. ha
Myowntwofeet Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 The man is still bound to his first wife. I never respond to your posts, primarily because you tend to speak religion whenever you can and I am not a fan of preaching in any form. However, this just floored me. Let me preface this by saying, I agree with all the others here....not a real prize in that man, that is for sure. But I would love to hear WHY it is that you believe the vows he took with his OW are "less" than the vows he took with his W. "cause I was first... lol!" I am sorry, this takes the CAKE and reminds me of what is wrong with my own religion who believes anyone not married in "our" church is not actually married. I am blown away that anyone still sees someone as more entitled to another..... in this day and age. Utterly amazed!!!
alexandria35 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Question, though. Do many BS's turn into OW? I would think they would despise anything to do with infidelity. Well yes, it actually is quite common. I think there are several OW on this board that were BS's in the past. OP many marriages can recover after infidelity but it requires some hard work and real changes on the cheater's side. The WS usually has to earn back trust by being transparent and demonstrating honesty on a consistant basis. They have to show true remorse and demonstrate that they have honestly learned from the past and made changes within themselves for the better. I don't see any of this in your ex H. He was a cheater when he was fooling around on you and he is still a cheater. He's not showing honesty or integrity or change. I'm amazed that you want him back while he is still behaving this way.
Snowflower Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 I never respond to your posts, primarily because you tend to speak religion whenever you can and I am not a fan of preaching in any form. However, this just floored me. Let me preface this by saying, I agree with all the others here....not a real prize in that man, that is for sure. But I would love to hear WHY it is that you believe the vows he took with his OW are "less" than the vows he took with his W. "cause I was first... lol!" I am sorry, this takes the CAKE and reminds me of what is wrong with my own religion who believes anyone not married in "our" church is not actually married. I am blown away that anyone still sees someone as more entitled to another..... in this day and age. Utterly amazed!!! I took it to mean that the xH was still bound emotionally to the first wife and that is why he took up with her again. Or he just likes having both of them at his beck and call. It's pretty manipulative and hurtful to both women. Perhaps califnan will come back and clarify what she means.
Myowntwofeet Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 I took it to mean that the xH was still bound emotionally to the first wife and that is why he took up with her again. Or he just likes having both of them at his beck and call. It's pretty manipulative and hurtful to both women. Perhaps califnan will come back and clarify what she means. No question, I agree about the man.... hard pressed to tell me this isn't cake eating! I *hope califnan was referring to that... but I am afraid because I am familiar with her posts she is referring to the original marriage being held in a higher regard. If I am mistaken, I will be the first to apologize. As for this situation... Can I ask you.... are you in counseling?? I would think that both women could benefit from a sit down together to really see the light of day. You may both end up single.........and.........much........happier!!
califnan Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 I *hope califnan was referring to that... but I am afraid because I am familiar with her posts she is referring to the original marriage being held in a higher regard. ------------------- It is held in higher regard. The others are considered adulterous.
Author melowoman Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 I had a good life with my xh for most of the 23 years we were together. We have a wonderful daughter together. This affair ruined both of our lives. I was so angry at him for so long that I had to leave him. After being apart for a year I find I am no longer angry and I forgive him. He has told me how sorry he is for doing this to us and I believe him. He says he still loves me and wants me back - I believe that too. I don't believe everything he tells me about his new wife but hope he doesn't love her and just married her out of convenience. I have not had counseling but know it would be a good idea. I am taking this slow and we are doing alot of talking. Yes, I agree that telling his current wife what is going on would be the honest and right thing to do but until I am sure I want him back, he is better off where he is now.
NoIDidn't Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I say ignore her, unless you just want to hear the names she is going to call you for going after "her" man. And if she sent it to both you AND him, be certain that he is getting an earful right now too. She may be saying that you can have him back, but I doubt she's going to give up so easily.
jenifer1972 Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Not texting her is the high road, but I'd probably be tempted to take the low road here and text her back, "yeaaahh, karma's a bitch aint it??":p
Myowntwofeet Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 ------------------- It is held in higher regard. The others are considered adulterous. Sadly and I do mean sadly and so unfortunate... I knew you were going to say that. It amazes me the narrow minds that still exist and forgive me, but honestly.... Imo, that is the furthest from spirituality/"god" you can be.
Mimolicious Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 You can keep the personal opinions and attacks private. This is not helping the OP. Melow- I hope that basically reversing back to your M is the right decision for you and that you don't end up in a darker place than when you were his W. Let you xH and hiw W/fOW deal with their self-created hell because your time will come where you will need to deal with yours. Save your energy for it if this is where you really want to be.
Myowntwofeet Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 You can keep the personal opinions and attacks private. This is not helping the OP. Melow- I hope that basically reversing back to your M is the right decision for you and that you don't end up in a darker place than when you were his W. Let you xH and hiw W/fOW deal with their self-created hell because your time will come where you will need to deal with yours. Save your energy for it if this is where you really want to be. Excuse me? I don't think their is anything "personal" about someone blatantly suggesting that someones marriage is not sacred.... if I believe correctly, I was responding to an a post, I find highly offensive. I won't apologize for that, nor will I sit back at anytime when such a harsh judgement (that is EXACTLY) what that is is made from someone who sits here day in and day out and preaches religion. Statements like that are far from "religious" and that honestly is where I draw the line. To be completly honest, I don't think I have ever been so offended by anyone here on LS as I was when I read that...talk about condescending...takes the cake. As for the OP, I have said I am unsure why she would think her H is worth the effort, considering how he has put both women through hell, most likely to feel his own ego and selfish needs.....and suggested she involve herself with an IC to see if she can untangle some of this mess before deciding anything.
NoIDidn't Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Like it or not, a lot of people share Califnan's view of marriages that occur after infidelity broke up another marriage. Many feel that the OW-turned-W is getting a well-deserved comeuppance. It would be nice if this thread didn't turn into how wrong the OP is for what she is doing. Wasn't the new W just as wrong? And isn't the H the one that's ultimately doing this to his new W? Obviously, HE doesn't respect his new marriage much either.
twinsmom Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Maybe, but the OP wasn't asking whether or not the second marriage was blessed by God or not. She was asking for advice about whether or not to respond to her exH's wife. She didn't even ASK for advice or comments about anything else.
Myowntwofeet Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Like it or not, a lot of people share Califnan's view of marriages that occur after infidelity broke up another marriage. Many feel that the OW-turned-W is getting a well-deserved comeuppance. It would be nice if this thread didn't turn into how wrong the OP is for what she is doing. Wasn't the new W just as wrong? And isn't the H the one that's ultimately doing this to his new W? Obviously, HE doesn't respect his new marriage much either. I find it disturbing and utterly disgusting.., and that won't change either. However I have never responded to her because of our very significant differences before and I am certain I should step away now as the biggest hypocrisy is seeing a "christian" sit in judgment of others. As for the OP, I certainly have not judged her at all, I have question if she is getting IC, has someone to speak to and question his real motives as he sounds like a manipulating cake eater who wants what he wants and thinks it is fine to play two women while getting it.
twinsmom Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 MOTF, I am in agreement with you. As a Christian, I am sure there are many that will disagree with me. But MY God is a loving, forgiving God. HE realizes that we are not all perfect. HE does not turn HIS back on us, regardless of what all of the fire and brimstone people believe. And I'll probably be banned, but that is what I believe. I'm sure I will be told by those who are oh so "Christian" that I'm wrong, but I stand by my beliefs, and I believe that the good Lord stands beside me.
NoIDidn't Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I find it disturbing and utterly disgusting.., and that won't change either. However I have never responded to her because of our very significant differences before and I am certain I should step away now as the biggest hypocrisy is seeing a "christian" sit in judgment of others. As for the OP, I certainly have not judged her at all, I have question if she is getting IC, has someone to speak to and question his real motives as he sounds like a manipulating cake eater who wants what he wants and thinks it is fine to play two women while getting it. I honestly don't 'get' the "disturbing and utterly disgusting" part. I see no inconsistency with a "Christian" having a negative opinion (judgment) of something they believe their Faith says is wrong. Christians are told to judge righteously. They are not told to never judge. This is a common misconception based on the "cast the first stone" verses. Not trying to get anyone to stop disagreeing with Califnan, just not understanding why her posts get such viceral reactions from others. I honestly ignore the stuff that I didn't come for, from any poster. And on judging the OP, I wasn't commenting on anything you said, just a general statement. The OP didn't ask if what she was doing is right or wrong, just about whether she should respond. I would find it completely hypocritical of any OW here to tell the OP that she has issues, that she should stop the A, that she should tell the W the truth, or anything else that is usually vehemently disagreed with by OWs when given by non-OWs in this forum. That, is hypocrisy to me. There is so much missing to this story. It seems that the OW-now-W must have been worrying about this very thing happening all along and hoped that marrying him would keep it from happening. But him being married didn't keep the first A from happening.... The tangled webs we weave, and all.
Silly_Girl Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Melowoman, I find your story one of the saddest I read. Seems like a lot of energy and heartache for nothing, for all of you. So I guess the big question is nothing to do with a text message, but much more to do with whether you want him back. That must be tough. Have you dated at all? Do you feel confident you would/could meet someone else? Do you worry that a future with him is a commitment to being the BS for ever? Have you had any counselling? Do friends/family know you two may reconcile? Does he REALLY make you happy or is he just a tough habit to break? I wish you lots of luck, hun.
pureinheart Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I had a good life with my xh for most of the 23 years we were together. We have a wonderful daughter together. This affair ruined both of our lives. I was so angry at him for so long that I had to leave him. After being apart for a year I find I am no longer angry and I forgive him. He has told me how sorry he is for doing this to us and I believe him. He says he still loves me and wants me back - I believe that too. I don't believe everything he tells me about his new wife but hope he doesn't love her and just married her out of convenience. I have not had counseling but know it would be a good idea. I am taking this slow and we are doing alot of talking. Yes, I agree that telling his current wife what is going on would be the honest and right thing to do but until I am sure I want him back, he is better off where he is now. MW...(((((((((((hugs)))))))))), you gotta follow your heart...wow, what a decision, I just wish you much wisdom, knowledge and understanding to make the right decision for you...not to say you don't already have it...although I have found we can always use more:)...hey all good stuff for you:)
torranceshipman Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I had a good life with my xh for most of the 23 years we were together. We have a wonderful daughter together. This affair ruined both of our lives. I was so angry at him for so long that I had to leave him. After being apart for a year I find I am no longer angry and I forgive him. He has told me how sorry he is for doing this to us and I believe him. He says he still loves me and wants me back - I believe that too. I don't believe everything he tells me about his new wife but hope he doesn't love her and just married her out of convenience. I have not had counseling but know it would be a good idea. I am taking this slow and we are doing alot of talking. Yes, I agree that telling his current wife what is going on would be the honest and right thing to do but until I am sure I want him back, he is better off where he is now. I know that this is really a complex decision for you BUT...he cheats on you then remarries extremely quickly, then talks to you behind the new W's back? Take this guy on his CURRENT/RECENT actions, not how he was years ago. People change, and this guy is acting like an untrustworthy, callous cheater. This is who he is right now. I would REALLY suggest that you take some months of distance from him. Otherwise, right now, he is being a player, and is pretty confident that he has you AND the W. DON'T let this happen. I'd recommend NC for all of your benefits. And you REALLY deserve better than this. Maybe in time he can give you better, and become once again the stand up guy that you used to respect, but right now that isn't possible. Don't indulge him. He made his choice and he has to live with that. Without you in the picture...so he can face up to the bad choices he's made, and experience life truly with out you (that's the only way he will ever value you again). Right now he clearly isn't sorry for what he has done, as he hasn't learnt a lesson he3re - he hasn't learnt what respect is, and hasn't learnt to respect you or the new W and he needs to learn this, and understand what it means, else if you two get back together now, you will be constantly devalued again. He is thinking 'who shall I choose?' and this feeling of entitlement is ridiculous - but you are allowing it to happen. I think that if you want to make the right choice long term, you need to go NC and spend some real time thinking these through, with some distance away from your exH. This is such a big decision for you and you need to be logical, think it over with significant consideration, and not be swayed emotionally by things that he says to you right now (nor do you need the hit on your self esteem that you will get from wanting him, and hanging on his words, then seeing him going back to the W every night). Go NC and In the meantime experience a new, fresh take on life - a new chapter! - and see what life gives you!
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