pinballwizard Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 It's nice to find this forum and I am glad to have registered. Apparently many people in many circumstances... a little of mine and then tonight. It's been a horrific 3 or 4 years. Marriage of 8, living together 15. We have have a boy 9 & a daughter, stepdaughter from my first. This having been both our second marriage. Since '06 , the accumulation of loss & change, has included two 'you need to leave or live in the basement' I can't be here with you...the most recent started in January '10 - I moved to my own place her to hers in June. '06...my best friend of 47 died suddenly in APril, my cousin whowe grew up together of aggressive brain cancer in May, My Mom died in June the last of her generation. '07 .. another close friend both sudden & in their early 50's '08-'09 Attacked by manic depressive partner and blew up a business that provided a solid income. Also in '09 Started another business that had a short run but needed to pull the plug before hemorraging became more severe. Legal battle followed ending in litigation settlement and much fiscal damage. Also in 09 my brother was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer and without a fight he passed in march of this year. In the midst of this it was too much for her and she couldn't find herself wanted me to leave. As we were getting deeper into financial abyss - we sold our home in December of '09 - it was beloved by her and a relief to me. We had 120K in th e black that was gone by June to neccessary bills and living expenses. In the 6 weeks we have lived apart. I have had an amazing relationship with my younger child. As I am fiscally strapped, in debt counseling, looking to re enter the workplace - I obviously have a plate that is full...have made his comfort a priority and this summer a summer of joy not the one of two homes. The separated wife and I made a plan to meet tonight about a week ago. SHe has never wanted to discuss the marriage. She has given me the most painful silent treatment I have ever endured. I have been pro active in the job market, pro active in getting my finances organized. It'll take 4.5 years to be in th eblack - if I can get an income going in the next 2 months... the past two days are the first in a long time that I haven't cried for an hour or two. So the meeting tonight. I could fantasize. I am a horny man. Sex is very important to me...she had always said it was important to her...she was very limp in bed and it was a very prevalent topic of our counseling. Her life experiences created baggage that she couldn't clear. About 5 years ago I had a 6 week affair - it lit up my life. Let me know that a part of me that was stuffed away was still there and could come out. It was intended that from there we would work on the marriage again...it fizzled...with the financial, business and physical problems ...my being told to wait always for another day...I think perhaps she did for me what I couldn't do for myself..get us apart. I feel better and am better no matter how much I think I miss what we had..it often was less than pleasant. She always used the way I spoke as the reason to stop speaking. I of course say - I'm Jewish, not yelling, this is the way I was raised In any event - I'll see her for dinner in a couple of hours. I'll bring a bottle of white to go with Indonesian food. I don't drink. I liked it when she did. It'll be her choice. No pre conceived expectations. I am going to be a bit aloof I think - not even sure of what I want or if I am willing to put it out there to here as I have been hurt so many times.... Sorry for the length ...once I get going it becomes a bit of a ramble... Any thought, comments, are invited & welcome. Thanx again.
Author pinballwizard Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 went to dinner & am home. A 75 minute meeting. We shared a salad. I brought the wine and she chose not to open it. We talked about nothing. I wanted to pour my heart to her...well one part of me did. The other part - I realize that our being apart is better for me...no idea but presume better for her too. We said goodbye. I thanked her for the time and told her if she ever wants to talk about what matters I should still have ears. Not sure what that meant other than in my heart I was hurting, I feel too lonely for the man I see myself to be and I need to go through it not around or under it. Peace.
spriggig Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 You probably killed your marriage when you had the affair. It's been a zombie marriage ever since. The recent string of unfortunate events simply brought back to the surface the stress and mistrust she tried to bury five years ago. An otherwise healthy relationship could have grown stronger by the trials you've both endured--fighting a common enemy and all that. She doesn't want to work on the marriage because she believes now that it has been dead for five years and she has been fooling herself that it could be saved. She agreed to see you tonight in a continuing effort to let you down easy, she probably doesn't hate you but is sympathetic about your string of loses and apathetic toward the relationship. She cares about you on a basic, human level only, not in any romantic way. It seems you have one more loss to grieve.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 It's time you moved on, Youve been seperated for how long? For what? If she didnt make any moves towards reconsiling within that time frame, it's most likely over. I'm happy your getting your life on track, but if you desire a healthy relationship with a full-bloodied woman, then do so. Let her know what you did was wrong, and you have every intention of reconsiling the marriage but if she doesnt then file. Simple as that? Why remain in limbo for so long?
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