Strange situation

[thinking2010]

I am looking for information, ideas, etc from others. I believe I know in my mind what is going on but just need other information to figure this out.

 

Wife and I together 13 years married 9. 2 children ours, 2 hers. We are both prior married. We agreed after dating to get married and to not divorce as we saw what it does to children.

 

Fast forward to last year, lost my job, found one out of the country. Could not bring family with me. Family went to live with her mom and step dad. Had hysterectomy in 4 months after I left. While gone she felt I was clingy and needy....only 5,000 miles from the family on a 1 year contract.

 

I noticed a change in attitudes after the surgery.

 

Vacation of 5 days went well, family was normal and even better.

 

We had some arguments on the phone during my absence. Ok after vacation things seemed ok, but communications dropped, and at one point I did not hear from my children or wife for 13 days and 12 days. Very unusual. I then received the divorce filing paperwork.

 

Went to the states, not home as I did not have a home to go to. All comms through attys as she would not speak with me.

 

Comms now are good on the phone but not progressing or at least I am not seeing her efforts. When asked if there is a chance to save the marriage or relationship she said within time. But she wants the civil divorce to start a clean slate and if we get together again to get married in the church and do it right. Further she state she does not want to go looking for another mate etc. After surgery, she is still experiencing physical issues and has lost interest in sex (her words).

 

A person recommended Fireproof and the Love Dare...I talked to her and she said she would try......2 weeks later nothing on the books from her. She calls me, and talks about general things as well as family issues. She has said don't give up on her she needs me. It feels as if we are still married on the phone but when in person during exchanges she is not the same.

 

Ok there is so much more, but this is the basic story...oh no drug abuse, alcohol, abuse, etc....religous family

 

I mentioned that I would be willing to go through marriage counseling, but no response. She said she need to straighten herself out before she works on us.

 

Ok what is your opinion on the civil divorce, no church annulment, and saying to a chance to save the relationship....within time. It will take a lot of time.

 

Your thoughts

Edited August 4, 2010 by thinking2010

[Argentina]

Talking about divorce and then possibly getting back together and doing the whole marriage thing again sounds very odd. I have not previously heard of anyone who gets divorced with the possible intention of getting married to the same person again.

I don't know the reasons for her hysterectomy. I had a voluntary hysterectomy 5 years ago and I have had no ongoing physical symptoms or sexual problems as a result. Life as normal basically, but without the medical problems that brought on the hysterectomy in the first place.

I am just wondering if having this surgery has brought on some psychological issues for her. Could she be depressed? Along with feeling sad, depression can effect many areas of our life and cause unusual thought patterns. I would really try to encourage her to seek professional help with her doctor or a psychologist to work through the various issues.

It's difficult to assess what is really going on. At the end of the day it is your decision as to how you feel about her and if it is worth saving the marriage. And if she refuses to seek counselling, then I would recommend you speak to someone yourself which will hopeful help to clarify things in your mind.

All the best.

[Chinook]

There is someone else. Sorry.

 

Having read here for years, your story shows classic symptoms of what is referred to here as 'walk-away-wife'. A woman essentially in a happy relationship, ups and leaves, flip flops for a bit, eventually files for divorce and H is floored and none the wiser. Turns out every single time there's been another man. Yes, it could be hysterectomy. Yes, it could be the distance. Yes, it could be depression. But I dunno, I kinda have a feeling about it... your story, the way you have described it, is so similar to so many others.

 

You need to take a step back and look at the facts, not at what she says the causes are. Has she given you an actual REASON for all this..?

[cavedweller]

Thinking2010,

 

Yep, wayward wife..

 

I also agree that there is another man..