Wife and family or girlfriend -

[ShouldIDivorce]

I'm new here & have spent lots of time lurking, especially when my separation started. So long story short (relatively) my wife & I are in our early 30's and have been married for 11 years. We have 4 kids, age 5 - 10. We've had problems for a long time & last September we started going to a therapist. I didn't like the therapist & the wife did. Basically I felt like her and the female therapist were ganging up on me. Because of the state of our marriage & being desperate for any improvement, I decided to give it a shot anyway. We worked with her for a month & were supposed to go to separate therapists. I started, but my wife refused to go to one. During the following 2 months, every discussion or problem was turned around on me. She was being very deceptive and vague about lots of things. I got suspicious and ended up finding out that she was fooling around with someone.

 

It hurt & we had lots of talks about us & the future. She assured me that she had broken things off but was still friends and wouldn't stop talking to him. About 2 weeks later, she told me that she wanted to separate and get a divorce. Things got very ugly between us. I had an extremely hard time dealing with all of this, but continued to go to counseling & really focused on rebuilding my life & my kids. It took several months of hell to start feeling better. Eventually, I started to like myself again & actually started looking forward to a future away from the problems in the past.

 

While I was out one night with a friend I started talking with a cute girl at the bar. I ended up with her phone number. I was separated but not legally divorced & understood my position, but figured I could use a little fun with the opposite sex. It'd been months since I'd even looked at a woman (my wife). Everything started off right, light & non-committal. I told her my position and have been upfront with her until the last month. During that time, my wife has been wanting to work things out and be a family again. I haven't been completely honest with either.

 

The confusion is that legally I should not be with this other woman, but I have a lot of feelings for her. She is a wonderful woman. I still love my wife and family. I'm truly torn by my feelings & know I can't go on this way. I feel like I should be giving my family another chance, but the idea of breaking things off with this other woman makes me miserable. After all my wife put me through I'm not sure I can ever really give 100% of myself to her again.

 

There is a great deal more involved in the details and my feelings, but I think this post is long enough. I was just wondering if others have been in this situation and what you did and how it turned out. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read!

[2sure]

I get everything you are saying but my first question would be:

 

Why has your wife had a change of heart?

You need to know the answer to that because:

 

I dont care if she was about to sign on the dotted line...if she got so much as an inkling that you might have someone else, she wants you back. But probably not for long.

 

Has her boyfriend recently broken up with her? Do you really want to be your own wife's temporary rebound?

 

And either of those answers can be ok and can serve as a catalyst for recovery and improvement but...ya gotta know the answer before you ask the question.

[carhill]

Why not focus on being a wonderful father to your children and clarifying *why* you want to pursue recovery with your wife, or, alternatively, divorce? Do what *you* need to do to make a healthy decision.

 

You must be a pretty hot guy 'cause women generally avoid me like the plague once they know I'm separated, regardless of the circumstances (no kids, separate domiciles).

 

Since your W is unwilling to completely go NC with her OM, boot her ass out of the house and continue to proceed with the divorce. She can get her own house or live with OM. If she wants to recover the marriage, NC with OM and MC with you. Non-negotiable.

 

I know the draw of the 'girlfriend'. It's just filler for what's missing within you. Fill that up in a healthy way and that validation will be unnecessary. If she's 'the one', she'll be there after you're divorced. Good luck

[ShouldIDivorce]

Thanks for the replies. Her reasoning for the change of heart has been something that has given me quite a bit of trouble. She says that she had problems that were internal & the OM was a mistake. She says that she's worked out many of her issues & can see that I have worked out many of mine that caused issues between us. I know she hasn't talked to him since February but I'm not completely sure it was by her choice. OM was married too & when I discovered the 2 of them, I let the other wife know because I thought it was the right thing to do. I know my W & OM kept talking but I think the other wife may have kept better track of her husband after that & broken it up. Part of me feels like I'm the backup plan. My W also knew that I was talking to other women and got so jealous that she tried to take my phone from me at one point. In a way I feel like I might be setting myself up again if I take her back. She is getting ready to start back to school now that all the kids will be in school full time & honestly I don't think I can trust her.

 

Being a good father has been my #1 priority. My kids are the light that got me through my dark time & they'll always be #1. They're part of my considerations in taking my W back. I always wanted them to have a good stable home. Financially and emotionally things will be very difficult for them if I go through with the divorce. I think this has actually been my biggest driving factor to try to work things out. I'm afraid for my kids what the divorce will mean in the near future.

 

The girlfriend isn't a validation or filler thing at all. I actually was considering my third option of going back to having no female involvement for a while. I'm very happy to be alone now & that was something that I was never okay with before. I feel complete as a person even if I'm not involved with anyone else. Around the time I met my other woman, I was actually looking forward to be single & alone. I spent a lot of time trying to make my W happy & kind of lost myself during the 11 yr marriage.

 

Basically where I stand today (will probably change in an hour or two when I talk to my OW) is that I'm not putting the OW in a fair position and until I get things resolved & finished with my W, I need to not see her.

[cookie2]

It sounds like your decision is already made. Take the kids out of the equation and it seems pretty clear that you don't want to take her back.

 

Being in an unhappy marriage is probably worse for the kids than having 2 happy parents who live apart. So if I were you, I would go through with the divorce.

[ShouldIDivorce]

I think you may be right & that was my first instinct. Actually that is what my counselor told me. You would be amazed what motivators fear & obligation are. I'm afraid, not of being alone, but of the financial outfall and not being able to see my kids as much. My W is a stay at home mom with no degree, so divorce will wipe me out. However I live in an at fault state so if I'm caught with my OW than I'm screwed too. I still love my W but I'm afraid to let myself be involved with her again because I don't think I could handle it if she pulled this crap again. I feel like I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions.