Called Off Wedding, Now What?

[scribbler]

Hi. I just want to share my crazy thoughts and get some totally neutral perspective. I am basically trying to figure out what exactly I want! I would appreciate any thoughts.

 

Last weekend I called off my wedding that was supposed to be in three months. We had been together for five years. My ex fiance was good to me, and I loved him, but I felt we had unfixable issues because our personalities and what we wanted out of life were so different. He eventually came to understand that we were not right for each other but it was very hard and I honestly wish I would have had the strength to walk/stay away sooner.

 

It was and is very hard but I am coping with it because I know it is the right thing. People tell me everyone has doubts during engagement but for me it was a feeling like I was suffocating and I knew he was not the right person for me to marry and that I was not the right person for him to marry. So in a way it is a relief and feels freeing, even though I have a lot of sadness and grief.

 

I am trying to decide what to do now. I know we are not getting married and that is about all I know. My life where I live was built around my fiance. I wasn't planning to stay in this city until I met my fiance. Now I really like the city but much of that is tied into our dreams of having a family here. Now that it's just me, I would rather be closer to my own family and hometown for awhile, or go somewhere completely different. My city makes me sad. There are still things about it I really like independently of my ex fiance, but overall, I have this feeling that this city isn't the right place for me. I guess I've felt stuck in general for a long time.

 

The only thing that keeps me tied to my city is that I'm a lawyer here. I would be giving up a lot of professional opportunities if I were to try to start over in another state where I'm not licensed to practice and where I don't know colleagues and clients, etc. I'm not even sure I would try to practice law in another state. Part of me feels I was as unhappy with being a lawyer as I was with being engaged. That was a big issue with my ex fiance and I. I often told him I feel uncomfortable being a lawyer, I don't fit in and it doesn't make me happy.

 

All I've ever wanted to be was a writer, but I couldn't make any money that way and didn't really know what else to do... I needed to support myself so I went to law school and became a lawyer because I like to read, write, and think, so I thought it would be the next best fit, and would give me the opportunity to make and save money so that later I could just write. Although I do like aspects of practicing law, in general I feel it involves a lot of BSing and twisting the truth and being a bully... things that are just not me. I have learned to do them which makes me sad. I feel that I have to keep doing them to stay at my current firm, although I do realize there are other areas of the law where practicing like this is not expected. I guess I just don't even have the motivation to see what else is out there in the law because I am just tired of it. It feels like it isn't for me.

 

My issue with not wanting to be a lawyer was so pressing that it was one of the reasons my ex fiance and I called it off. He was comfortable with our life and wanted us to stay in our city forever and for me to become partner at my firm and keep making more and more money. I told him that my goal has always been to make and save a lot of money young so that I can "retire"/leave the law young and dedicate myself to writing. I told him that was why I had become a lawyer and I did not plan to stay a lawyer forever. I also wanted to travel eventually, like I did when I was younger, and maybe move somewhere else. I told him that sometimes I can't wait to pursue an MFA in writing so that I could just dedicate myself to my writing. He just could not deal with this. He is very settled and doesn't like change or conflict. He would either ignore me when I talked about these dreams or he would say I was crazy for wanting to throw away a high-paying job to pursue something that makes absolutely nothing. I'm not sure if he would not want to be with me if I wasn't a lawyer but it felt to me like that was a big part of his being with me. I know for sure he would be unhappy if I were to leave the law. I finally was able to make him understand that this is important to me, that I am willing to compromise but I need him to understand that eventually I may not want to be a lawyer anymore, and if he wasn't okay with that, I'm not the wife for him. He didn't want that kind of up-in-the-air life. There were many other issues but to me that was the biggest one.

 

So. Now I'm having crazy thoughts like, I always wanted to do this, and it's the perfect time. I may never have this opportunity again. I don't have to think about what's best for my ex fiance or my almost-marriage anymore, I can just think about myself and what I want. I could move back to my home state and concentrate on writing and getting into an MFA program. I could spend much more time with my family than I have been. This is the least practical option because I wouldn't have a job, insurance, etc. I do have money saved up and family I could stay with inexpensively, so it's not impossible but I know it's not the wisest court of action. Or, I could stay in my city practicing law and working on my writing even more seriously now since I have absolutely nothing else to do besides work. (For me it's like writing seriously takes a tremendous amount of time and energy, as does practicing law, so I haven't managed to do both successfully. But maybe now that I'm on my own with more time since I don't have a relationship, I would feel like I was burning the candle at both ends so much.) I could have a goal to be in an MFA program in a couple years, in the meantime saving up more money. Or, another options I've thought of is that I could send applications to a variety of MFA programs and see where I get accepted and move wherever. This would involve me practicing law in my city until the application/acceptance period was over, and would still mean focusing as hard as I can on my writing while also practicing law.

 

Or, I could just keep practicing law where I'm at. One of the things that has been the most important to me over these last couple of years has been making sure I write and attend a really awesome writers' group I'm in. I am even more dedicated to my writing now that I have figured things out with the ex fiance. I am determined to stay dedicated no matter what. So maybe that will help me like my job more, since I'd still be pursuing my passion, just not full-time. Perhaps my thoughts of leaving my career (although I could always return to it later if I want) and my city (ditto), are too jumbled up together with breaking off my engagement. Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis when I'm not even thirty yet! I just feel like I have been taking my life in the wrong direction and I often want to start over and pursue what I really love, which is what I feel I should have been doing all along. I know it would mean walking away from a lot of money and a secure job and the potential to have even more money and security. Knowing all of that, though, I still feel like eventually just writing/teaching writing or doing other jobs where I can focus on writing is the only way to happiness for me, and I can't wait until I "retire" because I could die before then! But maybe I am just trying to run away and escape real life... maybe I am overdramatic and flipping out too much because of this big recent break up.

 

Thoughts?

[Treasa]

I think you sound like an astonishingly mentally healthy woman, and I think you should follow your dreams, as much of a cliche as that is.

 

If you have the ability to make money now and retire early so you can write, or save money and then switch into the field you really want to be in, I say more power to you!

 

You should live where you want, do what you want, and be happy.

 

Your ex is the one with issues here, not you. I think you're absolutely correct that you weren't right for each other.

 

Good luck with everything!

[carhill]

One option would be to set a timeline for change and remain in your current position, laying out a plan for capitalizing that change.

 

You can balance the practical with your 'dreams', IMO.

 

Sorry things didn't work out with your ex-fiance. You were together a long time.

[scribbler]

Thank you Treasa! That was so nice to hear, even virtually. My ex fiance thought that by my saying I wanted to switch fields and write, and travel and maybe live somewhere else eventually, that I was never happy with what I had and always looking for something else. There is a part of me that is ambitious and always looking for improvement. I do have to balance it or else I'd be in a traveling circus or something. But I have come to realize it is a good thing about me. He thought it meant I wasn't ready for marriage. But he still wanted to marry me anyway and he said once we were married I would change. I needed him to understand that I am not going to change and he had to be okay with that. He wasn't. I think that is the one thing that finally made him realize I was right, we couldn't get married. Maybe I will never get married but I do feel like when I meet the right person I would like to get married and maybe have kids. I am not sure about the kids. All I know is that I could not marry him.

 

My ex fiance is the opposite of me in that way. He is very steady and stable and hates change. I appreciated his stability and comfort and that was very hard to leave. But the negative aspect of all of that was that he had absolutely no drive or ambition. He has a pretty good job that pays okay and he wants to keep working there forever because it is stable and he is loyal. He has had opportunities to advance but turned them down because he didn't want the added stress. Maybe he was afraid to go for it, I don't know. I was fine with him staying at his job and position since he liked it and it's his decision. But then I realized his settled ways and inability to accept change would influence me and perhaps prevent or strain me from following my own dreams which were very different than his. To me it seemed like he had everything he had always wanted (he is also 8 years older than me so at a slightly different point in his life)-- his nice big house, his nice car, his nice-looking, successful wife-- and he did not want to change a thing, ever. Sometimes I felt like I was just an accessory to him, someone to fill the position of "wifey" in his already-all-planned-out life. I also just felt like I was continually growing and changing, which to me were good things, and he was staying the same and not wanting me or us to change or grow. I felt so stuck.

 

This is horrible but I still haven't told my parents. They are a lot like my ex fiance and they love him to death. We have had a tumultuous relationship in the past but ever since I started dating my ex fiance and working as a lawyer, things have been good. My dad is proud of me for being so successful and getting married to a good guy who will never hurt me and give him grandkids etc. I have often thought that my dad likes my ex fiance more than he likes me. I did like that my ex fiance brought me closer to my family but now they are going to be crushed. I would like to work on having a closer relationship with them and just being myself, rather than having it be based on external factors like my career choice and who I'm going to marry. I am not sure my dad will be cool with the fact that not only am I not marrying his favorite person on the planet but I am also thinking of completely switching my career and lifestyle. I think I will break the news to him one thing at a time. I flew home to stay with my sister, who is as always extremely supportive and says I made the right decision and my ex fiance was never right for me in her eyes. Tonight we are going to my parents' and I am going to tell them. My brother also really loves my fiance; they are tight. So I will have to tell him next. Wish me luck. I really just need some perspective and I am glad to hear that someone other than my sister doesn't think I'm crazy! Thank you for letting me vent out in cyberspace!

[scribbler]

One option would be to set a timeline for change and remain in your current position, laying out a plan for capitalizing that change.

 

You can balance the practical with your 'dreams', IMO.

 

Sorry things didn't work out with your ex-fiance. You were together a long time.

 

Thank you Carhill. I

 

have had doubts and tried to break it off for a long time but then part of me wanted to make it work and I wanted to be happy with my life with him. For a long time I thought the problem was mine, like I just wasn't able to settle down and live a domestic life. I think he wants a June Cleaver type and I am the exact opposite. I am not a slob and I cook chicken and veggies, etc... but I would rather do many other things than clean and cook. Every time I would clean the bathroom he would say, "That's hot." So I think he wanted someone who is just not me because I didn't think it was hot at all. I couldn't wait to be done cleaning so I could take my dog for a run.

 

Anyway I have figured out that there is nothing wrong with me and I may be marriage material but just not his marriage material. Now I am working on figuring out what made me stay with him for so long when I knew deep down that he wasn't what I wanted. I think it was fear of being alone, liking the comfort of being with him, liking that we got along well and had fun together (like friends in many ways), knowing that I loved him but being confused about what kind of love it was and if it was enough, and fear of hurting him. I would have done both of us a service by walking away and staying away (I had walked away a couple times before but always missed him) a long time ago. Or recognizing from the beginning that he was not the guy for me... I think I was just lonely being in a new city and not knowing many people and so I got attached to him really quickly even though I saw red flags. And I did have good times and memories with him so I can't say I'd want to have never met him or dated him. It just wasn't working out and I kept dragging it on. I feel guilty for that.

 

I also need to figure out why I let my whole life be centered around him so that now I don't really have a support system in my city. Almost all of my friends were his friends first so they go with him of course. I do have other friendships I never cultivated enough because he did not like hanging out with my friends, only his friends, so I would go with him instead of with my friends. If I do stay in my city I will definitely be re-building some of my own friendships and learning how to have a comfortable life all on my own instead of needing a partner. I am grateful that I kept up with my writing group because they are one of my few ties to the city that make me happy. I am also glad I kept up with my running and working out and my dogs... all of which were my own interests and not his.

 

I need to focus on me and not him but it is just hard when we had been so attached. I like your suggested option as long as I can stand living in my city for awhile! I guess there's no harm in trying.

[lalalandman]

Calling off a wedding is a huge decision and definitely says a lot. It doesn't really sound as if he's not the right one for you as much as you are just very concerned with the success of your future. It sounds like you're a great person with very high ambitions, and you're just afraid that marriage to this man will tie you down. But in all honesty, it's not the man that ties you down as much as it is the ring that binds you. Maybe that's what scares you most. Because, this doesn't sound like a man who is literally tying you down. It sounds as if your using his personality as a scapegoat to make it seem like he ties you down. But he is who he is just like you are who you are. Who says you can't be you still. He sounds like a Rock. You're a Dreamer. If you can accept each other wholeheartedly, it could work.

[scribbler]

Thanks for your comments Lalalandman. I guess you are right that I felt he would tie me down. And you are right that I could not accept him for who he was and he could not accept me for who I was. We just want different things out of life. I do not feel that a ring/husband would tie me down, if he was the right one for me and I was the right one for him. That was not the situation though and so, yes, I was very worried I couldn't realize my own dreams if I married my ex fiance. I think if I was completely in love with him I would be happy to marry him and I would not feel he was tying me down. I would not have had that suffocating feeling the closer we came to our wedding. So now I am just trying to figure out why I stayed so long with someone I wasn't completely in love with, and what is the right direction for me now that I'm on my own.

 

I didn't mean to make him sound like a scapegoat, just explaining the situation, and I'm sure he'd have a lot to say about me. There were also many, many other issues. He couldn't communciate/ be honest with me, and the sex life was not what I wanted either. There are so many things that were wrong that I wonder why I stayed so long and I am exploring that about myself. The good things about him- that he was stable and caring and loyal and funny- I believe I can find in someone else, someone that is willing to encourage me to pursue my dreams and who is honest and open with me, etc. My ex fiance could not be real with me. And I don't think I could be real with him either. You say maybe it could work out but it did not work out for five years and I did try. So I'm convinced it could not work out.

 

It just wasn't right and I am so relieved I didn't marry him. I miss him, I feel bad for hurting him, and I love him in many ways, but in my heart of hearts I know I did the right thing by not marrying him and not wasting more of both of our time when it just wasn't there for me. As I said, I just regret not doing it sooner. And now I am trying to figure out what I myself should do.

[Beeotch]

I just feel like I have been taking my life in the wrong direction and I often want to start over and pursue what I really love, which is what I feel I should have been doing all along. I know it would mean walking away from a lot of money and a secure job and the potential to have even more money and security. Knowing all of that, though, I still feel like eventually just writing/teaching writing or doing other jobs where I can focus on writing is the only way to happiness for me, and I can't wait until I "retire" because I could die before then! But maybe I am just trying to run away and escape real life... maybe I am overdramatic and flipping out too much because of this big recent break up.

One of my favorite quotes is "Being realistic is the most commonly traveled road to mediocrity" - Will Smith.

 

I adore Will Smith, for more reasons than one , but he is a brilliant man who exudes wise words on a spiritual level that really resonate with me. He said that ALL successful people, doing what they love and are passionate about are unrealistic and have a streak of delusional within them, as they choose to live above what everyone else thinks cannot be done or shouldn't be done. I truly believe that philosophy, and myself have always been the type to want to do things against what everyone else thinks makes sense...and you know what? It works for me!

 

You've been unhappy for quite a while and you are the perfect example of the fact that break ups are never about the other person, so much as it is about you. And it is often a catalyst or one of MANY nudges from the Universe that you aren't where you're supposed to be and something is awry.

 

I have a family friend who is a doctor or should I say was a doctor. She is 43 years old and doesn't look a day over 28. She always had a passion for writing, dancing and the arts in general. Born the child of a doctor and parents who went the conventional "successful" route in life, they pushed her into medicine. At a young age her creativity was stifled and her family downplayed her true talents and calling as her "art thing". She went to med school, dropped out because she truly was unhappy, then went back and became a doctor when she decided she needed the money. She got married. For years up on years she was unhappy as a doctor and couldn't shake her passion and her marriage spiraled down the drain as well. Long story short: She quit her job as a doctor 2 years ago, she has had 4 books since and she is moving to Cameroon at the end of this month to pursue her passion for opening a ministry that utilizes art. She is happier than she has ever been doing her impractical "art thing".

 

 

You know what's right for you. You will NEVER get peace until you're doing it. NO ONE else can tell you what to do and sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and go out on a limb. Sometimes you ignore it for so long that your life truly has to come crashing down in order for you to rebuild how you're supposed to. Sad to say, most people's lives are built upon fear and false senses of security, so if you ask for advice, most people (unless really grounded spiritually or those who see beyond the obvious) will give you advice that plays into fears or trying to be "secure" like: oh you should have stayed with him, you knew him for 5 years.....oh stay in the city you already know....stay a lawyer because it is guaranteed money....and so on and so forth. Again, only YOU know how you truly feel and what your intuition is telling you. You don't need reassurance from anyone else because they are not going to be living your life and aren't going to be the unhappy ones if you take their well meaning but fearful advice.

Edited August 4, 2010 by Beeotch

[scribbler]

Beeotch,

 

Wow, I totally get what you just wrote. I feel like there is this demon (or angel?) inside me driving me to *just write* and even though it doesn't make sense and few people understand, I will never be happy until I give into it.

 

I have always related to, admired, and been jealous of people like your doctor friend. Maybe six months ago I went to a reading being sponsored by the MFA program at the university in my city. Before the author got up to read, they introduced the speaker who was going to introduce the author. This speaker had worked at a big law firm in town for a few years before she decided to quit practicing law and enter the MFA program. I was so envious/inspired and I came home and told my fiance I would love to do that. Of course he thought I was crazy!

 

I also heard rather recently that the funny guy from The Hangover that was stuck in their trunk was a doctor and he decided to quit and focus on becoming a comedian. I was awestruck. I know these things are rare but they do happen and I am willing to be one of the crazy people who does it. At this point why not. It's just a matter of not wanting to be impulsive and jump ship at my job without having a good plan in place and being sure it's really what I should do. Sometimes I overthink things!

[Beeotch]

Beeotch,

 

Wow, I totally get what you just wrote. I feel like there is this demon (or angel?) inside me driving me to *just write* and even though it doesn't make sense and few people understand, I will never be happy until I give into it.

 

I have always related to, admired, and been jealous of people like your doctor friend. Maybe six months ago I went to a reading being sponsored by the MFA program at the university in my city. Before the author got up to read, they introduced the speaker who was going to introduce the author. This speaker had worked at a big law firm in town for a few years before she decided to quit practicing law and enter the MFA program. I was so envious/inspired and I came home and told my fiance I would love to do that. Of course he thought I was crazy!

 

I also heard rather recently that the funny guy from The Hangover that was stuck in their trunk was a doctor and he decided to quit and focus on becoming a comedian. I was awestruck. I know these things are rare but they do happen and I am willing to be one of the crazy people who does it. At this point why not. It's just a matter of not wanting to be impulsive and jump ship at my job without having a good plan in place and being sure it's really what I should do. Sometimes I overthink things!

 

Funny you mention The Hangover, as the producer is an alum of my university! And yes...half the people there were on the pre-med track. Every time I say what school I go to/went to people assume I am trying to become a doctor.

 

Anyway, there is nothing to be envious of, as these people are no more special than you are. You can do the same things as they can/have done...it took my doctor friend a while (almost all her life!) before she finally succumbed soo there is hope for you. She too spoke of not wanting to up and leave her well-paying, "sure-thing" and all those reasonable fears and concerns. But she stepped out in faith and her life did not fall apart but got better than ever! She is now a best selling author, she speaks at events and is doing a lot of amazing things! More than she ever did as a doctor, doing what everyone else thought was the right and safe thing.

 

Here's a link to her site for inspiration: http://www.sherrilewis.com/

[scribbler]

Thanks again Beeotch. I do have a big fear of walking away from the money and regretting it because my lifestyle will be so different. But then I feel like I would rather feel fulfilled and be broke than have an easier life with a lot of money on hand.

 

I told my parents last night and they took the news much better than I had expected. Both were sad and said they love my ex fiance and will miss him. My mom was particularly said that there wouldn't be a shower and wedding etc.

 

But my dad was actually a little happy which totally surprised me. Maybe he was just trying to make me happy but he said the strangest thing. He said he had told my sister awhile back that he wonders how it is that I have always been such a "free spirit" but now I have this conventional slave-to-the-grind career and I'm marrying this totally traditional guy. It really helped me to hear him say that, I guess he knows and accepts me better than I thought. I think a lot of my issues with my parents at first came about because they didn't accept me for who I was but then when they started to, I didn't accept myself that way and I kept trying to be what I knew they were like and what they wanted. I just need to be myself and follow my own path and I know now that they will accept me even if they wouldn't choose for me to do that or even if they shake their heads and call me crazy under their breath, like my ex fiance did.

 

It's hard to be here because my ex fiance was such a big part of the family and there are pictures and wedding stuff everywhere, and part of me starts to feel like I made a mistake in calling it off. But I know I was with him in part because my family loved him so much when I just didn't have that spark for him that I think should be there before I get married!

 

Thanks again for the help and I will check out that link right now.

[Beeotch]

Thanks again Beeotch. I do have a big fear of walking away from the money and regretting it because my lifestyle will be so different. But then I feel like I would rather feel fulfilled and be broke than have an easier life with a lot of money on hand.

 

I told my parents last night and they took the news much better than I had expected. Both were sad and said they love my ex fiance and will miss him. My mom was particularly said that there wouldn't be a shower and wedding etc.

 

But my dad was actually a little happy which totally surprised me. Maybe he was just trying to make me happy but he said the strangest thing. He said he had told my sister awhile back that he wonders how it is that I have always been such a "free spirit" but now I have this conventional slave-to-the-grind career and I'm marrying this totally traditional guy. It really helped me to hear him say that, I guess he knows and accepts me better than I thought. I think a lot of my issues with my parents at first came about because they didn't accept me for who I was but then when they started to, I didn't accept myself that way and I kept trying to be what I knew they were like and what they wanted. I just need to be myself and follow my own path and I know now that they will accept me even if they wouldn't choose for me to do that or even if they shake their heads and call me crazy under their breath, like my ex fiance did.

 

It's hard to be here because my ex fiance was such a big part of the family and there are pictures and wedding stuff everywhere, and part of me starts to feel like I made a mistake in calling it off. But I know I was with him in part because my family loved him so much when I just didn't have that spark for him that I think should be there before I get married!

 

Thanks again for the help and I will check out that link right now.

 

 

It's really interesting sometimes that the fears we build up in our head, often do not play out in reality and there is more support for you doing you, than you imagine.

 

 

I wish you goodluck with everything, I'm sure you will be just fine, infact even better than fine!