How do you deal with your mother when you would rather not have contact?

[a_woman]

Hi,

 

I know most people go through difficult patches when it comes to relations with their parents. No matter how old you are, there are conflicts, control issues, etc.

 

I have never been close to my mother, our relationship got very bad when I was a teenager (I am 38 years old now) and continued to worsen during my twenties. I'm not really sure how relevant it is for my question to explain in great detail what went wrong, I don't want to make this post longer than necessary and also I am not angry so I don't feel I should vent.

 

I suppose as background I should explain that I left my country of origin when I was 20 years old thus escaping her control and have been living away ever since. In my 30s our relationship has got better, I think mainly because I have mellowed with age and I simply ignore her when she says things I do not like (which is most of the time). I do not love her, I just don't get as angry at her.

 

However reaching my 30s also means I am more ready to face the issue that just because someone is close family, it does not mean you have to or can love them.

 

My mother tries to communicate with me a lot and I am very good at answering her calls and texts but I hardly ever initiate them (probably 'never' is the right word) this is because I would rather not have any contact with her at all, I know 100% that I would never miss her because she is not the kind of person I would voluntarily choose to talk to. I visit her in her home town about 4 times a year and stay in her house for around 4-8 days at a time. This is the result of the amount pressure she puts on me to visit her and the amount of time I can bear to spend in her company. I think she has asked me to visit her or to move back to my home town every single time we have spoken for the last 18 years, she has lived with her current partner for about 4 years now and that has also made our relationship better because she has someone else to focus on so I get a less hassle than I used to.

 

I have felt throughout my adult life that my mother is poison and would rather not have her in my life, I have to actively neutralise any effect that rubs off on me after I spend some time in her company. The way she treats people disgusts me - including her partner.

 

My question is: should I cut her out completely no matter how much damage it caused her or should I just put up with the situation like I have been doing and continue pretending that I care? My sister would be upset with me I think so I am keeping up appearances for her sake as well.

 

As much as my mother does not mean anything to me, I recognise that she is another human being and I do not want to hurt her on purpose. Is it normal to hang around someone all your life that you don't care about though? Isn't that damaging to you as a person? I just don't really know and I am not sure what is best for all concerned.

 

Have you been in a situation like this? Is this something you have had to deal with? (And yes I sat down with her in the past to talk about our differences etc but she isn't interested in other people's views except her own. I need to keep my distance from her to minimise her impact on me.)

[CollectiveVelvet]

You have to make the choice that would work in your stabilities best interest. Why don't you take a year and stop taking her calls, texts, ect. and see if it is the choice you want to ultimately make? You don't have to make a final decision and you don't have to explain it to anyone.

[a_woman]

You have to make the choice that would work in your stabilities best interest. Why don't you take a year and stop taking her calls, texts, ect. and see if it is the choice you want to ultimately make? You don't have to make a final decision and you don't have to explain it to anyone.

 

because I wonder how far my obligations as her child should go and I also wonder how it would affect my sister.

[CollectiveVelvet]

because I wonder how far my obligations as her child should go and I also wonder how it would affect my sister.

 

Then you have to get your obligations straight in your head. What do you feel are your obligations? Who are you most obligated to? Why can't you have contact with your sister without your mother involved?

 

The end line is what you can and can't live with.

[a_woman]

Then you have to get your obligations straight in your head. What do you feel are your obligations? Who are you most obligated to? Why can't you have contact with your sister without your mother involved?

 

The end line is what you can and can't live with.

 

thank you for your responses, they make me think.

 

I have contact with my sister all the time, she lives in the same city as me, it's just that she is very sensitive. Maybe I will raise this next time I see her and see what she says, I hadn't thought about that before. I have never spoken to anyone before about cutting contact with my mother.

 

I suppose I feel the obligation towards stability within my family and I am trying to gauge whether I would be 'rocking the boat' unnecessarily instead of just putting up with something I have put up with for many years now.

[CollectiveVelvet]

You're very welcome. I cut contact with my mother for about 10 years. It did me a lot of good in that I was able to reset my boundaries of what I felt was acceptable and unacceptable behavior from her. I had always just put up with her crazy-making in that it was a given or an obligation because she was family.

 

Now I feel as though I will not accept anything from her I would not from any other person in my life. The boundary has cleared. It's up to me to keep my interactions in the world healthy for me.

[a_woman]

That's interesting. May I ask if it's not too personal whether you think your relationship is different with your mother now because of your boundaries are reset or because she is worried that you would cut contact with her again?

 

that's what partly worries me, I would not want her to think that I am punishing her, it's just that I would rather not speak to her ever again.

[CollectiveVelvet]

That's interesting. May I ask if it's not too personal whether you think your relationship is different with your mother now because of your boundaries are reset or because she is worried that you would cut contact with her again?

 

that's what partly worries me, I would not want her to think that I am punishing her, it's just that I would rather not speak to her ever again.

 

I think the relationship is reset from my side and not hers. The boundary has happened on my end not hers.

 

You could try writing your mother a letter letting her know why you don't want to have contact and let her know it is not a punishment for her but something you need to do in order to get yourself straight.

 

Drive all blames into one.... It is easier if you let yourself be the responsible party and not place any blame elsewhere. If you tell your mother you need to cut contact for some reason having to do with you personally (not her) then it will be very difficult for any additional blame to be shoved your way; as you've already taken the blame on.

[a_woman]

I think the relationship is reset from my side and not hers. The boundary has happened on my end not hers.

 

You could try writing your mother a letter letting her know why you don't want to have contact and let her know it is not a punishment for her but something you need to do in order to get yourself straight.

 

thanks. my hunch is if I wrote her a letter asking for a break from communication she would start calling me and texting me immediately as she doesn't usually respect my decisions. she would also pester my sister about it I think.

 

I'll talk to my sister just to hear what her opinion is

[CollectiveVelvet]

Remember you don't have to answer her calls or texts. Good luck OP. Remember to do what is right for you.

[denise_xo]

My relationship to my mother is in some ways similar to yours. We have just been through about two years of no contact. Those years made me realise that I would feel better having a minimum level of contact (mostly based on feeling obliged to/ thinking it would be sad if she died without me knowing, rather than any inherent desire to be in touch with her). I now manage it quite carefully in terms of frequency and nature of contact. That means declining invitations for visits for more than a full day, not always responding to phone calls or emails, at least not promptly, and trying to be clear about certain boundaries.

[BlackLovely]

Hi,

 

I know most people go through difficult patches when it comes to relations with their parents. No matter how old you are, there are conflicts, control issues, etc.

 

I have never been close to my mother, our relationship got very bad when I was a teenager (I am 38 years old now) and continued to worsen during my twenties. I'm not really sure how relevant it is for my question to explain in great detail what went wrong, I don't want to make this post longer than necessary and also I am not angry so I don't feel I should vent.

 

I suppose as background I should explain that I left my country of origin when I was 20 years old thus escaping her control and have been living away ever since. In my 30s our relationship has got better, I think mainly because I have mellowed with age and I simply ignore her when she says things I do not like (which is most of the time). I do not love her, I just don't get as angry at her.

 

However reaching my 30s also means I am more ready to face the issue that just because someone is close family, it does not mean you have to or can love them.

 

My mother tries to communicate with me a lot and I am very good at answering her calls and texts but I hardly ever initiate them (probably 'never' is the right word) this is because I would rather not have any contact with her at all, I know 100% that I would never miss her because she is not the kind of person I would voluntarily choose to talk to. I visit her in her home town about 4 times a year and stay in her house for around 4-8 days at a time. This is the result of the amount pressure she puts on me to visit her and the amount of time I can bear to spend in her company. I think she has asked me to visit her or to move back to my home town every single time we have spoken for the last 18 years, she has lived with her current partner for about 4 years now and that has also made our relationship better because she has someone else to focus on so I get a less hassle than I used to.

 

I have felt throughout my adult life that my mother is poison and would rather not have her in my life, I have to actively neutralise any effect that rubs off on me after I spend some time in her company. The way she treats people disgusts me - including her partner.

 

My question is: should I cut her out completely no matter how much damage it caused her or should I just put up with the situation like I have been doing and continue pretending that I care? My sister would be upset with me I think so I am keeping up appearances for her sake as well.

As much as my mother does not mean anything to me, I recognise that she is another human being and I do not want to hurt her on purpose. Is it normal to hang around someone all your life that you don't care about though? Isn't that damaging to you as a person? I just don't really know and I am not sure what is best for all concerned.

 

Have you been in a situation like this? Is this something you have had to deal with? (And yes I sat down with her in the past to talk about our differences etc but she isn't interested in other people's views except her own. I need to keep my distance from her to minimise her impact on me.)

 

If you feel that your mother is poison and that she disgusts you, simply cut her off. Your sister will have to accept that not everything can go her way.

What's the point of "keeping up appearances" if it kills you inside? You are NOT obligated to be around people that only drain you, even if they are your family.

 

I'm speaking from experience, hon. I haven't had contact with my abusive mother since January. Because she is a manipulative sort, she tries to get my father and my eldest brother to guilt me into seeing her. She also does this with my extended family as well. They all are her puppets because they are afraid of her. I refuse to fear this bitch anymore and that's why she hates me-I stand up to her. I've learned that my own sanity and happiness is the most important.

 

Sometimes awful mothers, need to not have their daughters around to appreciate them. My mother wept bitterly the day I left home; I wouldn't accept her insipid little gifts that she used to bribe me. She also had my cousin in the home who was a holy terror; the complete opposite of me when I was a teenager. My brother often tells me that our mother appreciates me a lot more now, because of my cousin's antics. Too little, too late.

 

 

Love yourself above all. Good luck to you.

[Mutant Debutante]

I don't have a real answer for you but I sympathize, I'm there too. I took legal custody of my baby sister away from my mom in court, she HATES me. I took her baby, and I made her look bad, I made her look at herself. I talk to her very briefly a few times a year with progress reports about my sister, and I see her during her supervised visits. It's pretty stressful and I mostly just try to blank her. I don't know what it will be like once my sister is 18 and I can go full no contact if I want to. It'll probably feel GREAT for a while.

 

The weird thing is part of me will probably start to feel guilty. Even though she hates me she loves me too, in her own totally damaged way. I think I am going to go NC with her for a while but I also plan to rethink that when she starts to get really old and her health starts to fail. I don't want to be that person that lets their mom die sick and alone, although I'm not going to let her actually live with me or anything either. It will be hard, but she did give birth and life to me and my sisters and she did keep us alive when we were little, even though she was drunk or high most of the time.

[Tayla]

No matter what action you take for this place in your life, you always get another chance to change things. Even some decisions that you make now are not permenant THey are pauses to get you thru to the next level.

[Angel1111]

At the very minmum, I think you should probably stop visiting her and especially stop staying with at her house for so long. I don't know how you do that with the way you feel about her. It must be torture. I wouldn't bother with a letter. She obviously doesn't want to hear anyone's point of view and it would just be a wasted effort. This is why you have such a strained relationship with her in the first place. I have a friend who had a really bad relationship with her mother and she stopped being around her for about 2 or 3 yrs. I think things changed after that and they were able to appreciate one another.

 

You have to decide what you want to do but I would be careful about making a declaration about cutting her off. Just keep her at arms length and stop talking to her. If you feel better about seeing her once every 5 yrs, 10 yrs, or never, then so be it.