Holy SH*T,Didn't see this conversation coming after subscribing to NC!

[Forget About Her]

Quick re-cap. 5+ years together, I cheated about 9 months into the relationship, and she took me back because "she loved me soooo much". I now realize, it was more for pride that she just didn't want me to be with the other girl. Well, we stayed together for 4+ years after that, and she DUMPED ME because she couldn't deal with the fact I cheated 4+ years ago (at least that was her reasoning for the breakup).

 

Well, after being broken up almost 2 months, and I stopped looking at her facebook page, knowing she was probably posting status updates related to me, or purposely having conversations with other guys to erk me. I received a friend request from the girl I cheated on her with. I'm thinking to myself, my relationship is over, we've been split up for 2 months and we rarely even talk, so why not accept this girl's friend request! HOLY SH*T did that blow things up. The ex texted me tonight at 2am telling me how upset she is and realizes that I must have lied about my feelings for this girl because I accepted her friend request. WTF?!?!?!?

 

We went back and forth for about an hour and a half, and I basically told her that I don't owe her sh*t, but if she wants to email me a list of things I can do to accommodate her after she dumped me, I'll look it over (lol). She was saying things like:

 

"I'm sick to my stomach"

"it just goes to show me...must not hate her as much as you expressed, the truth, it hurts as much now as it did then"

"It's not about who dumpted who, or who f*cked up, or who is more heartbroken..."

"I'm sorry you couldn't see its sad that Ii can't make you understand, my initial intentions weren't to end us, but to see if in time i could get my head right and we could get back together"

"and now all you can say is how I f*cked up and you did this and that and the other pent this that and th other, dreamed big for us (like I didn't)"

"I hope one day you see what Ii was trying to do...but instead its become about you and what I've done to you by leaving you"

"you can make your choices the accepted friend request showed me enough"

 

I honestly have no intentions of talking to this chick, and have less than ZERO feelings for her, but I'm single, and I can do what the f*ck I want, right? I personally, have no problems being friends with her on facebook, I don't plan on posting on her wall or anything like that, but I didn't even think my ex even looked at my facebook page.

 

She's been so emotionless and cold towards me the entire breakup, I felt like she had moved on long before she dumped me. I'm finally at the stage where I'm not wasting any more emotions or love on someone that doesn't love me, and I told her that. She said I created a false scenerio in my head, and it couldn't be further than the truth.

 

Anyway, I honestly wasn't ever expecting to have a conversation like this with her again, and it really shocked me. It also shocked me how much I really didn't give a sh*t DURING and AFTER the conversation. I went to the gym, wrote some music, took a shower, and played some Xbox.

Edited August 4, 2010 by Forget About Her

[DenverBachelor]

but I'm single, and I can do what the f*ck I want, right?

 

Hey, it didn't stop you when you were in a relationship either, right?

[Forget About Her]

Hey, it didn't stop you when you were in a relationship either, right?

 

Come on dude...That's not the point of this thread at all. Okay, I f*cked up, I know. I spent the next 4+ years making up for it, giving her the world, putting her wants/needs in front of my own. People cheat, I apologized 10 million times to her, and I never did it again for the rest of our entire relationship.

 

let's focus...

[DenverBachelor]

 

let's focus...

 

All right, let's focus. You said in your post that you have less than zero feelings for her yet you're over here ranting and raving about how f**ked up it is that she cared who you added as a friend.

 

Furthermore, you said you spent the next four years apologizing and what not and that you never cheated on her again. Then just two weeks after breaking up, you add the girl you cheated with as a friend on Facebook. And your dumb ass is going to sit there and wonder why she's upset?

 

Let's focus, indeed.

[Forget About Her]

Whoa, either I wrote it wrong, or you read it wrong.

 

I said I have zero feelings for the girl I cheated WITH 4 years ago. I still love my ex!

 

We have been broken up for 2 MONTHS, not weeks, MONTHS!

 

How long should I wait before I don't have to consider her feelings about what I do on MY facebook page or in MY life? To top it off, I honestly did not even think my ex looked at my facebook page!

[DenverBachelor]

How long should I wait before I don't have to consider her feelings about what I do on MY facebook page or in MY life? To top it off, I honestly did not even think my ex looked at my facebook page!

 

I mean, there isn't a black and white line when it comes to time. But generally everyone goes into their little rabbit hole for a few months (if they're not busy rebounding) and that includes staying away from social sites like Facebook.

 

What was your motivation for adding that girl as a friend in the first place? I mean, and correct me if I'm wrong, it seems as though you knew what would happen and a part of you wanted to get a rise out of your recent ex.

 

Why is this other woman, after four years, looking you up on Facebook for a friend request? There seems to be a lot more to this story but correct me if I'm wrong here:

 

* You date Woman A for 5 years

* At this point, you cheat on Woman A with Woman B

* You don't talk to Woman B for 4 years and continue your relationship with woman A

* Woman A suddenly gets insecure about Woman B and breaks up with you.

* Coincidently, woman B just happens to come back into the picture in the span of two months and then you friend her on Facebook knowing that woman A is going to know this.

 

WTF?

[Forget About Her]

I mean, there isn't a black and white line when it comes to time. But generally everyone goes into their little rabbit hole for a few months (if they're not busy rebounding) and that includes staying away from social sites like Facebook.

 

What was your motivation for adding that girl as a friend in the first place? I mean, and correct me if I'm wrong, it seems as though you knew what would happen and a part of you wanted to get a rise out of your recent ex.

 

Why is this other woman, after four years, looking you up on Facebook for a friend request? There seems to be a lot more to this story but correct me if I'm wrong here:

 

* You date Woman A for 5 years

* At this point, you cheat on Woman A with Woman B

* You don't talk to Woman B for 4 years and continue your relationship with woman A

* Woman A suddenly gets insecure about Woman B and breaks up with you.

* Coincidently, woman B just happens to come back into the picture in the span of two months and then you friend her on Facebook knowing that woman A is going to know this.

 

WTF?

 

I didn't friend request woman B, she sent ME a friend request, I merely accepted it. I can only assume that woman B heard I was single now, and felt it was okay to send me a friend request? I have no clue, I haven't communicated with her at all.

 

I truly truly did not think my ex even looked at my FB page. I absolutely did NOT accept a friend request to get a rise out of my ex. If I wanted to get a rise, I would have sent the request to woman B.

 

There was no "motivation" to adding woman B. She sent me a request, I'm single, I felt why not accept it?

[DenverBachelor]

There was no "motivation" to adding woman B. She sent me a request, I'm single, I felt why not accept it?

 

That's what I meant when I said you friended her. I meant you accepted *her* request.

 

If all that's true, then I wouldn't worry about what your ex thinks. But come on, we're both guys. You had sex with this woman in the past. It's almost like someone leaving a stick of dynamite at your door and you, as Wild E. Coyote, looks at it and picks it up and notices sparks shooting from the fuse. Then it goes off and your face is charred.

 

That sounds like what happened to you. You accepted a request that you should have just ignored (regardless of your ex). There's a whole lot of bad karma around this woman that started when you slept with her while still with your previous girlfriend.

 

Sometimes you have to know when to just ignore those friend requests, especially when the fuse is still sparking.

[Forget About Her]

Yea, I see what your saying bro. I don't know man, i don't want to hurt my ex, or get a rise out of her, but I also don't like being limited by someone that isn't even in my life. I'm a single dude, the relationship is DONE, and I'm taking control back of my life.

 

Not to mention that woman B was f*cking amazing in bed, lol. But we'll keep that between you and me.

[DenverBachelor]

Not to mention that woman B was f*cking amazing in bed, lol. But we'll keep that between you and me.

 

Well at this point you might as well block woman A, start a FWB relationship with woman B and call it a day! The harm has already been done so you might as well test the waters with woman B. Since she looked you up, I'm assuming she probably thought you were great as well and wants another go.

 

I just hope that we don't see a future thread from you titled, "Ex is standing outside with a rocket launcher and a samurai sword!"

[Forget About Her]

Hahahahahahahaha, I did buy her a gun for her 21st birthday a few years ago, too.

 

I'm not even looking to have any type of relationship with woman B to be honest. I move forward, not backward. It just shocked me the display of emotion she had after being so emotionless, so indifferent during our breakup. Like I broke down and cried to her (which is something I don't do), and she basically stood there like a gangster from compton and didn't say a thing.

[bonpaw2008]

You are definitely single but your ex is hurting, if you are going to f-around with the girl you cheated on her with then just block the ex. She sounds like she needs some NC to heal herself.

[Forget About Her]

You are definitely single but your ex is hurting, if you are going to f-around with the girl you cheated on her with then just block the ex. She sounds like she needs some NC to heal herself.

 

There shall be no f-ing around with woman B. It doesn't matter if I block my ex, as we are already not friends on FB and my profile is on private. We have 50+ friends in common, so she is obviously looking at my profile through someone elses account. I can't delete/block all 50+ friends, lol.

 

She seemed unbelievably upset during the conversation, as she ended it like 4 times, then came back and continued to write more. I ended up sending her a quick email just explaining that she doesn't need to be upset over the friend acceptance and that it's a total non-issue.

 

The biggest thing that baffles me is just how indifferent, how emotionless she has been towards me during our breakup, then all of the sudden she is like an emotional wreck. I don't know what to make of this, any ideas?

 

Basically, she ended our relationship 2 months ago by saying she needed to get her head right and wanted to break up while she figures things out in her head, but she has every intention of getting back together down the road. To me, that's total bullsh*t! I don't believe her reasoning and I told her that in the email. But anyway....

Edited August 4, 2010 by Forget About Her

[BubbleFreak]

I think she was far from emotionless during the break up. She would've been hurting before the breakup and hurting afterwards, even if she didn't show you how she was feeling. When you accepted the FR, it must've triggered all that emotion to come pouring out in a way that could appear irrational with reasons that appear total BS to you...

 

Though I think there comes a point where she must accept some responsiblity too for the relationship ending like it did. You cheated on her a long time ago and (although it does not make what you did anymore acceptable) she chose to take you back. She also chose to break up with you again, and no contact for 2 months is sure to make you question wtf is going on. She assumed you would understand why she needed the break.

 

Communication. That is what's lacking here. I guess all you can do is try not to make the same mistakes again.

[bonpaw2008]

There shall be no f-ing around with woman B. It doesn't matter if I block my ex, as we are already not friends on FB and my profile is on private. We have 50+ friends in common, so she is obviously looking at my profile through someone elses account. I can't delete/block all 50+ friends, lol.

 

She seemed unbelievably upset during the conversation, as she ended it like 4 times, then came back and continued to write more. I ended up sending her a quick email just explaining that she doesn't need to be upset over the friend acceptance and that it's a total non-issue.

 

The biggest thing that baffles me is just how indifferent, how emotionless she has been towards me during our breakup, then all of the sudden she is like an emotional wreck. I don't know what to make of this, any ideas?

 

Basically, she ended our relationship 2 months ago by saying she needed to get her head right and wanted to break up while she figures things out in her head, but she has every intention of getting back together down the road. To me, that's total bullsh*t! I don't believe her reasoning and I told her that in the email. But anyway....

 

She has always been an emotional wreck, probably all the way back to 4 years ago. I am not going to beat you up for your infidelity, everyone makes mistakes. She is going through the same ups and downs that we all are....and seeing you friend that girl was the straw that broke her.

 

She broke up with you, she needs to deal with the consequences of that, which may be you seeing other people. I appreciate that you don't want to see her upset because you still love her, but this is on her. Cut her some slack, don't be mean to her, but ask her politely what ****ing business it is of hers who you are friending. Or just ignore her and live your life and she will figure it out on her own.

[BubbleFreak]

OP, I suspect your ex wanted to you to try win her back somehow during the breakup. When you accepted the FR, she probably got super jealous and took it as a betrayal on the 4 years you had together. If this is true, it's sorta unfair though since you two were broken up. But then again, when you are in love with someone, you expect a lot from them.

[CollectiveVelvet]

It sounds as though your gf/w of 5 years never quite felt like you truly regretted your actions with your affair partner. Your actions as of 2 months post break-up suggest you did not regret them enough that you felt the affair partner was a mistake... thus not worth being friends with.

 

If I was gf/w of 5 years this would cement that I had made the right decision in believing you were not to be trusted, did not take the hurt you put me through seriously, and cared more for your own satisfaction than anyone's feelings.

[cdt76]

Look. We are talking about 4 YEARS people. Not 4 WEEKS. This girl should have come to grips with the issue a long time ago. That SHE broke up with him was HER decision for reasons that I would dare guess have nothing to do with the other woman. You can't communicate with someone who WON'T tell you her issue or who doesn't know what her issue is. Did you try and save the relationship this last time? Did you just let it go and say ok, fine, I'm done? I don't know. Either way, she ended it. You can see and talk to anyone you want. That she has an issue with it, is a problem she has to deal with. Not put it back on you that you are doing something wrong. She can't even articulate what the issue is! Her communication problems are the real issue.

 

So just do what you want to do. She broke it off with you. She has to live with that decision.

[Forget About Her]

Look. We are talking about 4 YEARS people. Not 4 WEEKS. This girl should have come to grips with the issue a long time ago. That SHE broke up with him was HER decision for reasons that I would dare guess have nothing to do with the other woman. You can't communicate with someone who WON'T tell you her issue or who doesn't know what her issue is. Did you try and save the relationship this last time? Did you just let it go and say ok, fine, I'm done? I don't know. Either way, she ended it. You can see and talk to anyone you want. That she has an issue with it, is a problem she has to deal with. Not put it back on you that you are doing something wrong. She can't even articulate what the issue is! Her communication problems are the real issue.

 

So just do what you want to do. She broke it off with you. She has to live with that decision.

 

This is EXACTLY how I feel, word for word. I didn't ask her to get back with me 4+ years ago when I got caught cheating, I actually went no contact. She contacted me, she initiated meetings, she initiated sex, and she said she wanted me to stop talking to the OW and get back with her. We had a fairly decent 4 years after that.

 

When she left me 2 months ago, she said it was because she never dealt with the fact that I cheated and only suppressed it. She said it is still the first thing on her mind every morning (4 years later), and it causes her to be nasty to me for no reason. She said she needed time to "get her head straight" and wanted to breakup. I wrote her a 10 page letter explaining all of my emotions, outlining how things could be better if we got back together, asking her to get back together with me. I broke down in front of her twice, telling her all the plans I had for us and that I wanted to be with her again. She was STONE COLD damn near emotionless the entire time.

 

I finally subscribed the fact that it was over. I stopped looking at her FB, didn't contact her, and moved on with my life. I no longer consider her in my decisions, but at the same time I'm not malicious towards her. I didn't kick her out of my rental house, I didn't raise her rent (despite the fact that she is basically living for free), I didn't go re-po my bedroom set, my flat screen TVs that I put in her house.

[teanoranges]

why does this even bother you that it effects her?

I mean seriously?

It seems like you're either fishing for people to tell you she still cares, or you are looking for people to tell you she's a crazy b** that needs to mind her business and you can do what you like (ei: accept a friends' request) and you are right, she is wrong game...

 

I feel that if my SO cheated on me (yes, even if it was 4 years ago) and I was insecure and yet he still makes a significant contact with the person he cheated on me with, I would be very upset. I would question the last 4 years, and agree with what collective violet said.

 

At the same time she could very well be looking for a reason to make herself feel better about the break-up, but if that was the case.. I don't think she'd be peeking at your facebook.....

and I know how it feels to have to act 'cold' to someone because you don't want to show how much you do care deep down...

 

 

either way, I think bashing the poor girl isn't very mature and if its over, drop it and don't worry about it. tell her its over so its over and do what you want...

but is there really a reason to question the intent of her flipsh*t?

[silic0ntoad]

I say **** the ex. Keep the new girl around, see where it goes. Sure, you guys cheated, but 4 years is a long time to learn and grow. I mean, really.

 

Living well is the best revenge.

 

If your ex is hurt by this, then to hell with her. She should have gone to therapy to fix her issues with you cheating some 1380 days after it happened. She didn't. She wasn't committed to the relationship.

 

As far as this goes, it's your business. Let her have say about who you **** or are friends with and you let her win in the end. At this point, her feelings are meaningless, really.

[Forget About Her]

I say **** the ex. Keep the new girl around, see where it goes. Sure, you guys cheated, but 4 years is a long time to learn and grow. I mean, really.

 

Living well is the best revenge.

 

If your ex is hurt by this, then to hell with her. She should have gone to therapy to fix her issues with you cheating some 1380 days after it happened. She didn't. She wasn't committed to the relationship.

 

As far as this goes, it's your business. Let her have say about who you **** or are friends with and you let her win in the end. At this point, her feelings are meaningless, really.

 

Agreed! Although, I'm not a monster and still do love the girl. I realize the love will fade with time from lack of contact with her, but I'm still not a malicious person and I don't want to intentionally hurt her. Being 100% honest, I did not even think she looked at my facebook. She acted unbelievably cold and emotionless throughout our breakup and she is currently visiting her home town and felt the need to tell me that she is hanging out with all her guy friends, so I didn't think anything of accepting the friend request.

 

The biggest thing that pissed me off, which caused me not to view her FB anymore, is one of her guy friends (who obviously was hitting on her once she changed her status to single), made his profile picture a picture of him and her. That is not such a big deal, but the picture was taken on a night she went out in a limo with a bunch of her friends, and she was leaning back against him with his arms around her, and she was holding his hands with her hands. I saw some pictures from that night, but obviously not ALL of the pictures. I feel it is a TOTALLY inappropriate picture to take when you have a boyfriend, regardless of how good a friends you are with the guy.

[silic0ntoad]

Agreed, I'd be livid if my girl took a pic with a guy like that. That's an intimate moment now captured for all time.

 

I know you're not a monster and you still love her.

 

But it's the YOU show now. Not the my-ex-would-be-mad-if-i-did-this show.

[Forget About Her]

Agreed, I'd be livid if my girl took a pic with a guy like that. That's an intimate moment now captured for all time.

 

I know you're not a monster and you still love her.

 

But it's the YOU show now. Not the my-ex-would-be-mad-if-i-did-this show.

 

Once again, absolutely correct! I'm going to continue to live my life like a single guy that has nobody to answer to except for myself. If she wants to FB stalk me, that's her business, I can't stop her. I'm 6 days strong not looking at hers, and I'll continue not to check her facebook!

 

Thanks for the reaffirment.

[silic0ntoad]

Once again, absolutely correct! I'm going to continue to live my life like a single guy that has nobody to answer to except for myself. If she wants to FB stalk me, that's her business, I can't stop her. I'm 6 days strong not looking at hers, and I'll continue not to check her facebook!

 

Thanks for the reaffirment.

 

 

No sweat, and that's the spirit. I hope it goes well for you. Don't let bitterness swallow your heart. Acceptance is key to moving forward.

 

Now it's her turn to accept