Noonie Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Hello all, long time lurker, first time poster. I'm 28, husband is 30, we've been together for 10 years. Really hurting right now but I'm trying hard to be fair as I explain this situation. A little history, then the current issue... Husband and I have had some really rough spots in the past - I have big problems with jealousy and trust, and that's only been aggravated by his own problems, hiding porn and lying about it, even so far as swearing he was telling the truth while looking me right in the eyes, but of course later admitting it (sore spot and not what this is directly about anyway, moving on). He cannot hold down a job over these years. The reasons he's been fired have varied from smelling bad, messing up/breaking stuff, bad attitude, taking a break when he shouldn't... and so on. He is in a union at the moment but got written up, was given a second chance on a job the next day, but made a bad choice which resulted in something being damaged. Got written up again and has to go to a meeting where someone told him they're gonna kick him out of the union. Can't get unemployment because he was technically fired from that job. A bit desperate for a source of income, he went to a car auction with a relatively newer friend of his to put a cheap car on a credit card, to try to fix up and resell. I was not a fan of this idea at first but after some discussion, him asking me to just trust him, it would work... he did get a car to try this idea. It's been, oh, 1-2 weeks of working on the car, sometimes skipping a day, sometimes working on it ALL day. Husband and his friend agreed to sell it to a friend of the friend, taking small payments, but not handing him the car til it was paid for. Husband's friend kept the car to drive around during all this time, while they were fixing wiring issues, etc. I just went along with all this basically, I let him know I wasn't happy with all the run-around, and how his friend would call at whatever time if the car stopped running while he was driving it around doing who knows what, but oh well. Today, husband said he was going to put in a job application. I guess he ended up going to the junkyard to get something for the car and went over to his friend's place to work on it. I found this out cause I called him in the afternoon, I hadn't heard from him and I didn't know he was going to the friend's place, I didn't have a problem with it, no fight or anything. Around 9pm I called again, I did want him to come home but my reason for calling was actually to tell him about the solar storm I just read about... not that I got that far. I was greeted with a very hostile "I'm busy, I'll talk to you later." I was immediately hurt and taken aback, I think I managed to get out a "What, why?" And I was hung up on. I can admit I got pretty worked up while waiting around and ended up calling back an hour later, I told him I deserved an explanation... "There's just something I have to deal with, it's none of your concern, I'll talk to you in the morning." So suddenly I am being treated horribly with no reason, my husband isn't even coming home tonight, and it's none of his wife's concern... I think I started yelling at that point, demanding that he talk to me, told him that I have no idea what's going on and he's being unfair. I asked him how a husband not coming home and refusing to speak to his wife was not supposed to be her concern... Things just escalated out of control, I think I wound up saying he wanted our marriage to be over based on how he was speaking to me, he said something stupid along the lines of "it's looking that way" or "it has been for a while anyway", maybe both, I was too upset to remember... totally stunned me because I'm not sure if he really believes that or if he was being angry and dramatic. More yelling, questioning, blaming... he accused me of not being supportive which I also didn't understand, and said I never trusted him. Then he said he would talk to me face to face and didn't want to say anything else that he might regret, I asked him if he didn't already regret saying what he had, he never answered that. Now it gets odd. I refused to accept "stuff I have to deal with" as an answer and husband finally said the situation he was dealing with was this: A friend of husband's friend, not the same one buying the car, had some guys that were "trying to kill him". Husband said he was almost ready to kill those four guys tonight to protect the other guy, and he was staying there to act as a bodyguard... I'm just truly at a loss. I don't know what's going on, if he's lying to cover up something else, which seems like the most rational thing to assume. If there really is some situation with his friends, I can see him wanting to play bodyguard... but why would fighting or whatever supposedly happened lead up to him saying what he did about us, to treat me the way he did?... What if he just lost it and is having fun in la la land and there were no guys there? I wouldn't suspect drug use or cheating from him, but who honestly knows at this point. He's never talked to me the way he did tonight. I'm scared, not going to sleep, and all I can do is sit here and wonder what the hell is happening. And what will happen when he does come home... if he sticks with the story he told me? Would anyone really believe that? Thanks for reading and for any advice or comments.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 (edited) Really hard to trust his story for me, but you've been with him 10 years and should know much better... NOTHING FISHY HAS EVER HAPPENED BEFORE? He needs to really get his act together. Not being able to hold a job is an extremely serious issue in itself... ETA: if in 10 years he has NEVER talked to you in such a manner, that is certainly forgiveable. Don't let that by itself be a deal breaker. I am definitely wodering if there is more to the story though... Edited August 4, 2010 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me
carhill Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Any kids? Are your reasons for trust and jealousy issues intrinsic to you or a result of his actions/words in the past? Over the last ten years, what was the longest period he's been continuously unemployed? Is hostility in his communication something new?
just_some_guy Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 It sounds like he is still living like a little boy. Not doing his job, throwing tantrums, hobby-working the car deal instead of supporting his family, then playing pretend gangster and bodyguard. He needs to grow up. Adults control their tempers and live up to their work responsibilities. Adults don't play gangster games if someone's life is threatened, they call the cops or they just don't hang around people who are magnets for this kind of trouble. Most of all, they involve their wives in their lives.
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