big_kahuna Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 My wife and I have been together for around 5 years. We have a little boy and we have been very happy until a trip she took last year. The background to this story is that I am a naturalized citizen of a certain first world east Asian country. I speak the language fluently and lived here for over 10 years but my wife is a native citizen. Some time last year my wife mentioned that an old school friend who moved to another country in Asia had invited her to go see him. At the time there was so much trust between us that I didn't even think about her friend being a guy and I happily sent her on her way. We travel a lot so it was no big deal to let my wife fly somewhere for a week. However when she came home there was something different that I couldn't put my finger on. Anyone who has a great relationship with their spouse will know what I mean, you can pick up even subtle changes in their mood or behaviour. I asked her if anything was up but I didn't even think about her trip, I just assumed it was something with her family or just a general downer. A few weeks later I went to borrow my wife's laptop to google a restaurant address and she quickly closed the browser screen. Unfortunately I was always an extremely fast reader and the email could only be described as a love letter. For the next few days the email that I read was eating me up inside and I had to confront her about it. I told her what I saw and she said that she was sorry but nothing happened between them, she was bored and frustrated at home and just wanted someone to talk to. We made up and she said she wouldn't contact him again if it made me upset. My wife is a stay at home mom out of her own choice. We are very fortunate in that we have the means to make that choice and also have family around to look after the boy 1-2 days per week. I also take him out once a week and on most days get him ready in the morning then put him to bed. Weekends are usually family time. The point is that I understand how hard housekeeping and childminding is but my wife has maybe two days per week where she has to look after the boy on her own. We have a nice house, nice cars, take frequent holidays and I just feel damn grateful for all that we have. Anyway, a few weeks later my wife closed her browser again when I came to use her computer. The next confrontation was a lot more angry than the first and it was turned around so that I was spying on her, nothing was going on and it was all my fault. Being an idiot I accepted her explanation and apologised for overreacting. However just like before I had a tingling that something was not right. Lately she was on that damn computer every night while I was waiting for her to come up to bed and there was just something missing from her. I hated all this hiding and lying - we used to be completely open with our emails and phone calls, now she was secretively typing away and logging out whenever I got near. I debated with myself for a full two weeks whether I should crack her email passwords and find out for sure. I knew that either way I would end up feeling terrible because if I was wrong then I would have betrayed her trust and if I was right.. well.. In the end I just couldn't stand it any more and looked at her emails. I was shocked, it was a full on love affair by email and it was still ongoing. The worst thing is to see your wife complaining about you to another guy and her secret lover greedily lapping it up. There was also talk about 'things' that happened during two nights of the trip. We had a big fight but talked it over and I told my wife that I would not stop her contacting anyone she wanted but I would find it very hurtful for her to continue writing him. She keeps going on about how it doesn't matter because he is in a different country and has a girlfriend but I have to remind her that she was there with him, alone, for over a week and it's not exactly hard to take a 2 hour flight these days. I thought that if my wife loved me she would not be dumb enough to contact him any more. I was wrong. The emails gradually picked up again and now the guy is planning to return here to his home country for a few days. He has been writing how much he misses my wife and how he can't wait to see her. There are some calls from my wife's phone to his country in the past few days. The complete trust we had before is now completely broken, I feel like I have to spy on my wife to stop her doing something stupid and it makes my skin crawl. I have told her passionately how much it hurts me when she contacts this guy and then she just carries on. I guess I have some options now but I'm not sure what to do. I love my wife and I don't want to leave her but I can't be with her while this huge piece of her is given to another man with all that childhood history and common culture between them. I don't know whether I should tell my wife now that I know he his coming and it has to stop here. Or wait for the guy to come and punch his lights out, that would make me feel pretty good. Honestly, I would rather she banged some random stranger than carried on an emotional affair with nothing physical.
cookie2 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Unfortunately it sounds like she is quite far gone already. Complaining about you to another dude is a very bad sign. And talk of things that happened between them... sounds like the affair has already gone physical anyway. If you want to save your marriage, you should confront your wife ASAP. If she is prepared to end it immediately and never speak to this guy again, there is a small hope for you. If not then you need to get rid.
Author big_kahuna Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 I don't want to blow up my spot just yet because it's important for me to know whether she will actually arrange a meeting with this guy. If I let her know that I have complete access to her communications with him then it's possible they will just find a way to hide it. It's hard being in this position because we have always been quite affectionate but I can't even bear to give her a hug before heading to work. I know as soon as the garage door closes she will be frantically checking her emails for the latest reply. I still love my wife and any idea of 'getting rid' is not even on the cards right now. We have a little boy and as much as I hate the idea of my wife being emotionally attached to another man I don't think it's worth all that disruption over some emails. I have made some subtle hints about what I know about their communication and how it would destroy our marriage if there was even a hint of their relationship turning physical. I really have no idea which path she will go down and I hope it's the right one. Actually I kind of wish I never saw that first email because I could be living in ignorant bliss.
2sure Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 As much as you dont want to blow your cover, as much as you want to give her a chance and see what happens, as much as you may want proof of something.... The problem exists. Your relationship and marriage is being undermined and possibly threatened by your wife's actions. You need to be proactive here. Leaving your life and the future of your family in her hands right now...just is not a good idea. This is way past wait and see. This is way past you snooping . She should not be trusted because she has proved to you several times that she cannot be. The friendship and the relationship are completely inappropriate. There is no being polite about that. You are not being insecure. This sort of attention is not what a partner should look for or accept because they are bored. You need to tell her , straight up , that you do not want any further contact between her and this man ever again. And you need to tell him this too. If it continues, you may have to speak to a lawyer and that isnt drastic...its just the only possible next step unless you stop this now.
cookie2 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 You know, I was in exactly your shoes 2 weeks ago. Never thought my wife would do anything like this, and splitting up was just not on the cards at all. Sorry dude, you're going to find out the same thing that I did. She has probably spread her legs for this guy, and if you let it play out, she will do it again. You need to put a stop to it RIGHT NOW. Good luck.
Holding-On Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 She is treating you badly. You might want to look up the 180. Bored and understimulated at home, she probably feels that this romance is the best thing, that it makes her feel alive. In truth, imagine- theoretically - if you kicked her out and said this way of treating me is unacceptable, come back when you are sane.. how long do you think it would last? Would her old boyfriend pick up where you are, supporting her so fully? If you printed out her letters (I would do that so that you have them) and gave them to her family that is helping her right now, how does she think it would play out? Personally I am not monogamous but it is clear that your wife can only have one lover at a time successfully. Right now it is old boyfriend. I would do the 180.
Recommended Posts