alex1960 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Hi everyone, It's my first post here so let me introduce myself. My name is Alex, I've been married for six years now and we have a wonderful daughter who will turn three years old in just a couple of months. Both my wife and I are senior executives in the advertising industry so we travel regularly for business. I often dine and wine with clients and so does my wife. We recently swapped iPhones by mistake and I ended up browsing through her messages (wrong, I know). While I didn't find anything incriminating, I did find a few messages where she is telling a male colleague that she can't wait to have dinner with him. It turns out my wife planned a business trip just so she can spend the evening (hopefully not the night) with her friend. I've had many dinners with fine looking clients, many of which have become friends over the years. But I couldn't imagine myself planning a business trip just to spend some time with a female coworker. Am I right to feel uncomfortable about this? Should I bring it up with my wife? How?
sloudrou Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Well, my usual advice in this situation has gone out the window since you made the mistake of getting married, so now you'll have to try something different. I'd be very wary about confronting her about it just yet, simply because you don't have enough evidence and she's likely to flip out over you checking her phone messages. Simply put, you'll need to either let it go completely, or keep investigating and find out for sure. I'd also start putting money into an off-shore bank account, because if she IS having an affair, you may find divorce papers turning up in your mailbox.
that girl Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Sloudrou is obviously crazy, so ignore him. It turns out my wife planned a business trip just so she can spend the evening (hopefully not the night) with her friend. How do you know this? I can see many innocent reasons to look forward to seeing a colleague, but planning the trip to see him is a major red flag. I just don't get how you could know this.
Author alex1960 Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 Sloudrou is obviously crazy, so ignore him. How do you know this? I can see many innocent reasons to look forward to seeing a colleague, but planning the trip to see him is a major red flag. I just don't get how you could know this. I found out by the context of the email as my wife made jokes about expensing her trip.
Sabali Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 I found out by the context of the email as my wife made jokes about expensing her trip. Damn, man. I feel your pain. I hope this is just a misunderstanding. I agree with the above post by not reacting prematurely. This is nothing to really come down on your wife about. I don't know much offshore bank accounts but when is this trip going down? I hate to say it but when it comes to your wife, this may require some strategic investigation. I really hope this is just a misunderstanding. No need to panic or anything but keep your ears to the ground. I would resist the temptation to confront her now. She will dance around this level of evidence like a ballerina.
sloudrou Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Damn, man. I feel your pain. I hope this is just a misunderstanding. I agree with the above post by not reacting prematurely. This is nothing to really come down on your wife about. I don't know much offshore bank accounts but when is this trip going down? I hate to say it but when it comes to your wife, this may require some strategic investigation. Off shore bank accounts are a precautionary measure, like the pre-nup that was mentioned above. Many men in this situation have been totally cleaned out in a divorce, and if it comes to that (which may or may not actually happen), they leave you something in the bank that you can use to start again after the event. Of course, if it turns out to be nothing, you can always close the off shore account.
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 We recently swapped iPhones by mistake and I ended up browsing through her messages (wrong, I know). While I didn't find anything incriminating, I did find a few messages where she is telling a male colleague that she can't wait to have dinner with him. It turns out my wife planned a business trip just so she can spend the evening (hopefully not the night) with her friend. I've had many dinners with fine looking clients, many of which have become friends over the years. But I couldn't imagine myself planning a business trip just to spend some time with a female coworker. Am I right to feel uncomfortable about this? Should I bring it up with my wife? How? Before jumping to any huge conclusions, you should pull up her cellphone record and look at how much she contacts this guy. Then look to see how often she has visited this guys area before. Finally see if you can get access to any of her email accounts. Once you have as much info as possible and kind of know what your dealing with... politely give her a chance to explain the situation. In my opinion faking a business trip to meet a male colleague behind your husbands back is NOT acceptable.
phineas Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 If you got cash, hire a PI in the city she's visiting to follow her from the airport to see what she does with whom. Have him take pictures. It's really the only way to know. Then get a lawyer & figure out your options if in-deed she is being unfaithful.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 I'm with Occam and his razor on this one: the simplest explanation is usually the right one: she arranged an overnight out of town "business" trip specifically to have dinner with some other man. There is a simple explanation for that. I'd be looking at hiring a PI at this point.
alexlakeman Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Been there done that... just on the other side... I travel for business frequently, and have coordinated trips with female colleagues or female business acquaintances.. and not just for business, but to get int their panties and for them to get in my pants... It's fool proof, you don't have to answer the phone b/c "you're out till late with a client", you don't have to answer the phone late at night b/c "got to the room late and forgot to charge it"... Do what I've done... tell her, "oh you're traveling to xyz city, I'll coordinate a trip to mee with abc client who's going to be there...let's go" and see her reaction, lol.... Do what the others said, hire a PI.. or just travel yourself and spy on her, but I wouldn't be able to hold my temper or myself back if I do see my wife cheating while traveling.. I used to date someone else who traveled wayyyyyyyy more than I did.. and she would tell me the stories "before she met me, of couse" that she dated this married guy for years while traveling, bc they traveled to the same spots... Don't say anything, until you forward the text messages / emails to your phone and search the pictures... That's how I got busted after my last trip, I forgot to lock it, and g/f went into the phone and saw I was sending the same pics , etc to her and the other one
OceanTropic Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Well it might not have been just to dine with HIM, maybe he had a great deal or proposal and she couldn't wait to discuss it. How do you know she planned the trip just to see HIM? Maybe the dinner was for other purposes. If you want to bring it up, tell her straight up. "Look when we accidentaly swapped phones I came across a msg.....etc....." and see what she says. Personally, as a grown woman who travels alot, I don't know how couples can stay faithful when they are flying around the world having candle lit dinners with various people... even if its just for business. Maybe its because I am young (early twenties) so my eyes wander and I am interested in browsing through men, but I wouldn't think flying thousands of miles just for a dinner is appropriate. BUT you never know, maybe it was discussing some sort of partnership or business offer. Don't jump to conclusions just yet.
Mike B. Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 BUT you never know, maybe it was discussing some sort of partnership or business offer. Don't jump to conclusions just yet. I don't know. Wouldn't her husband know about this business offer. OP, what is the communication like in your marriage?
carhill Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 As a senior exec in the ad business, you're in a great position. You make good money and someone in your firm is sure to have contacts in the industrial espionage business. Make a few phone calls, give W's itinerary to a person and get a written report after her trip. Done and done. Even if it costs a couple grand, it's worth it. Then you'll know for sure what next steps are. Welcome to LS. Wish it was under better circumstances. Good luck
meerkat stew Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 More information needed, is this colleague of hers someone she works with locally, or someone who is out of town? How well do you know him? You say you didn't find anything incriminating, yet something in these messages has given you pause that the normal business dinner wouldn't. It seems some key pieces of information are missing. I have many female acquaintances and friends, even wives or serious GFs of close friends, who might make a special trip and expense it to have dinner and catch up in a totally innocent way. They would all be likely to say, "can't wait to see you." Without more detail, assuming a "date" or hiring a PI may be overreacting. Someone suggested looking at phone bills/records and other intel, this sounds like a great idea before spying on her directly. If you were to get caught doing that, and things were innocent, it would be bad news. I tend to think the PI route is a last resort.
carhill Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 OP, just so I'm clear, this man that she 'can't wait to see' is a co-worker, not a client, correct? Someone who works for the same company? Considering she's an executive in her firm, what does that make him? Subordinate? Hmm.... I once loved a married woman (a customer) who was f*cking her boss. Figure that one out...... Something isn't passing the smell test if this man is a co-worker, especially if he's a subordinate.
Author alex1960 Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 OP, just so I'm clear, this man that she 'can't wait to see' is a co-worker, not a client, correct? Hi, they are actually former colleagues and worked together a couple of years ago.
Author alex1960 Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 More information needed, is this colleague of hers someone she works with locally, or someone who is out of town? How well do you know him? You say you didn't find anything incriminating, yet something in these messages has given you pause that the normal business dinner wouldn't. It seems some key pieces of information are missing. I have many female acquaintances and friends, even wives or serious GFs of close friends, who might make a special trip and expense it to have dinner and catch up in a totally innocent way. They would all be likely to say, "can't wait to see you." Without more detail, assuming a "date" or hiring a PI may be overreacting. Someone suggested looking at phone bills/records and other intel, this sounds like a great idea before spying on her directly. If you were to get caught doing that, and things were innocent, it would be bad news. I tend to think the PI route is a last resort. Thanks for your soothing words. The colleague is from out of town and I only know him by name and reputation. As for travelling to have dinner one on one with my friend's wife or GF in a totally innocent way, I would never go to that extent myself.
FL Lady Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Thanks for your soothing words. The colleague is from out of town and I only know him by name and reputation. As for travelling to have dinner one on one with my friend's wife or GF in a totally innocent way, I would never go to that extent myself. You won't want to hear this but one of the ways I secretly cheated on my ex-husband was exactly the scenario you painted. I was married 8 years. No kids. I traveled weekly for business. Guys flirt with married women pretty routinely. I've already been yelled at on the message boards here for admitting this. One of the guy posters was right- it's so easy to lie when you're on the road. (can't answer the phone etc) My gut tells me that she has a mad crush on this guy and he probably does her. If she was smart she'd use the passcode feature on the iPhone. I did. You guys have been married 6 years. Could be the 7 year itch. Or if she is nearing a milestone birthday (30, 40, 50) a mid life crisis. My problem was my hubby and I became friends/room mates and I lost my sexual attraction to him. So, I got that biochemical excitement elsewhere.
FL Lady Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Oh- I should add. If she did not like or have a mad crush on this guy she would NEVER travel away from home - especially since you guys have a daughter. My colleagues who are happily married with kids will take the red-eye home to get back to their kids.
TouchedByViolet Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 My problem was my hubby and I became friends/room mates and I lost my sexual attraction to him. So, I got that biochemical excitement elsewhere. This problem is very common among women, just read the marriage forums. Great husbands do all they can for their wives but the women then no longer desire sex... A strange and cruel world we live in.
SteveC80 Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 This problem is very common among women, just read the marriage forums. Great husbands do all they can for their wives but the women then no longer desire sex... A strange and cruel world we live in. Thats the scary thing about women they let their feelings control them at times without rational thought You can do everything for them things can go great for years then they wake up one day and out of nowhere fall out of love with you
FL Lady Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 This problem is very common among women, just read the marriage forums. Great husbands do all they can for their wives but the women then no longer desire sex... A strange and cruel world we live in. No, we desire sex or else we wouldn't cheat. This is pretty true among men too.
FL Lady Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Thats the scary thing about women they let their feelings control them at times without rational thought You can do everything for them things can go great for years then they wake up one day and out of nowhere fall out of love with you We have rational thought processes - of course! But our feelings are more complicated. On the other hand, we can even be more cut and dry with our feelings than guys which must confuse the heck out of the men who love us. ( E.g., abruptly calling it quits.) Back to the OP - I'm glad he at least has a clue to her crush & can thoughtfully think about how to handle this.
TouchedByViolet Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Thats the scary thing about women they let their feelings control them at times without rational thought You can do everything for them things can go great for years then they wake up one day and out of nowhere fall out of love with you mhmm. It is very scary for sure. Especially for men who dedicate a majority of their lives to their family. No, we desire sex or else we wouldn't cheat. This is pretty true among men too. Who doesn't desire sex? If you are a healthy human being you desire sex. That isn't a reason to cheat on someone.
alexlakeman Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Oh- I should add. If she did not like or have a mad crush on this guy she would NEVER travel away from home - especially since you guys have a daughter. My colleagues who are happily married with kids will take the red-eye home to get back to their kids. I agree. The reason the job I have became available a few years ago was that my predesesor was a married woman with kids and didn like traveling so much and being away from her loved ones. Lucky me, I got the job! Also I travel with collegues regularly. One of my coleagues is female. Oh man, I joke about it but it is brutallllll traveling with her. We take 6-7 am flights out and den red eyes back b/c she doesn't want to b out more than necessary from the family. But when I travel by myself or male colleagues we space out our outgoing and return trips differently; we'll fly out d day b4, have a night on d town at our destination, maybe mEet some other travelers or locals at d bar, den head to our meeting d next day and fly back that night OR even the following am. Yeah, I hope d op hire a PI or something. Women r liars at times so if he just confronts her or asks her, she'll probably deny it. He could also surprise her at d destination as I sd b4. Op, doesn't she ever ask you to go with her? I'm sure she does.
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