Ella whispers Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 So this woman that I work with that figured out what I was up to w/ xMM at work just after I ended it ( I eventually told her) had a crush on a MM at work. She has seen me suffer in silence, cringe when I see him, walk away when he comes ner me and she still went for him. It blows my mind. I still carry so much regret and see this huge sign that flashes SUCKER at me when I see him. I have voiced my regrets to her. She's unhappy in her marriage and started an EA w/ her MM. I have tried to tell her a thousand times but I guess I just have to be a good friend to her and listen. Why are the hardest lessons to learn the ones you have to learn yourself.....
sloudrou Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Let me get this straight... You were pursuing a married man at work, and you're upset with another woman for going after him AFTER IT ENDED???? What exactly did you have with this guy? He was married to someone else anyway, and you didn't seem overly bothered by that. Now that you're no longer with him, he can do whatever he likes, and so can this other woman. The only person here who has any real right to be upset is his wife.
alexandria35 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Let me get this straight... You were pursuing a married man at work, and you're upset with another woman for going after him AFTER IT ENDED???? What exactly did you have with this guy? He was married to someone else anyway, and you didn't seem overly bothered by that. Now that you're no longer with him, he can do whatever he likes, and so can this other woman. The only person here who has any real right to be upset is his wife. No, I think Ella was saying that this coworker had a crush on a different MM and she proceded to get involved with him even after she saw how much Ella is suffering from the fall out of her affair. I think Ella thinks that her coworker should know better since it turned out so badly for her. To bad life doesn't work that way. We all know from reading these boards that a great deal of people (dare I say most) won't listen to the experience of others.
sloudrou Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 No, I think Ella was saying that this coworker had a crush on a different MM and she proceded to get involved with him even after she saw how much Ella is suffering from the fall out of her affair. I think Ella thinks that her coworker should know better since it turned out so badly for her. To bad life doesn't work that way. We all know from reading these boards that a great deal of people (dare I say most) won't listen to the experience of others. Well, I'll take your word for it, since I don't know anything about Ella's other situation, but the point still remains, the other woman is an adult and can do whatever she wants. Ella might have meant well by giving her advice, but if the other woman doesn't listen, it's on her head.
joey66 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Almost invariably the advice given here is not to enter/continue/restart the A. The people giving the advice are all experienced and know exactly what of they speak. And nobody ever takes the advice!
Angel1111 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Unfortunately, we usually learn things the hard way. I think that if I had seen someone go through it, or if I had known more at the time when I got involved with xMM, though, I would've been less blind to the whole thing. There's probably some part of your friend that thinks what you did was cool and she doesn't believe you mean it when you say you regret it. I'm sure your friend might also be thinking that her situation will be different. I'm sure it will be different but the drama and heartbreak will still be there. And because she's married, there's always the guilt, too.
Angel1111 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Well, I'll take your word for it, since I don't know anything about Ella's other situation, but the point still remains, the other woman is an adult and can do whatever she wants. Ella might have meant well by giving her advice, but if the other woman doesn't listen, it's on her head. I think you're being overreactive. The OP's only point is why would someone dive into such a situation when they've seen someone else go through the heartache. It's pretty surprising when you think about it.
Hazyhead Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Almost invariably the advice given here is not to enter/continue/restart the A. The people giving the advice are all experienced and know exactly what of they speak. And nobody ever takes the advice! With all respect, Joey, I have to disagree with you here. I can think of a few posters whom have followed advice given here at LS. I know I am one and would not have made the progress I did, in the manner I did if it wasn't for people here spurring me on and helping me to clarify my thoughts. Sure, it was not an 'advisable' situation to get into in the first place... so I guess that's where I comply with the whole having-to-learn-it-yourself thing, but that doesn't mean that one can't take advice at the same time.
Spark1111 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 So this woman that I work with that figured out what I was up to w/ xMM at work just after I ended it ( I eventually told her) had a crush on a MM at work. She has seen me suffer in silence, cringe when I see him, walk away when he comes ner me and she still went for him. It blows my mind. I still carry so much regret and see this huge sign that flashes SUCKER at me when I see him. I have voiced my regrets to her. She's unhappy in her marriage and started an EA w/ her MM. I have tried to tell her a thousand times but I guess I just have to be a good friend to her and listen. Why are the hardest lessons to learn the ones you have to learn yourself..... So true! You know Ella it is painful to see others embark on a path of self-destruction, or heartache, or anything that has the potential to cause them untold pain. Parents experience it with children every day, and at some point, they realize that life is the greatest teacher of all. Could anyone have talked you out of your feelings and the path it took you down with your MM? Probably not. Why? Because as humans we have hope that our situation is unique and will work out for the best, despite the odds, despite all the advice, despite the experience of others. All you can do now is sit back and watch the scenario unfold in your office. And as you observe it all, just think what it may be trying to teach YOU, not her, about feelings, realtionships, and life. I have always strongly believed situations are put in our path for a reason, whether we are ready or not to learn from them. Observe.....and try to learn from this, as painful as it may be to watch it.
scatterd Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Maybe if she was to read all the storys here she would think a little different but people usually have to learn the hard way to get it. In time she will find out the pain also but right now she is having fun.Just be there when she needs it and let her know you will listen.
joey66 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 With all respect, Joey, I have to disagree with you here. I can think of a few posters whom have followed advice given here at LS. I know I am one and would not have made the progress I did, in the manner I did if it wasn't for people here spurring me on and helping me to clarify my thoughts. Sure, it was not an 'advisable' situation to get into in the first place... so I guess that's where I comply with the whole having-to-learn-it-yourself thing, but that doesn't mean that one can't take advice at the same time. Point taken. Let me rephrase. Almost invariably the advice given here is not to enter/continue/restart the A. The people giving the advice are all experienced and know exactly what of they speak. And very few take the advice! Particularly the advice not to enter the A in the first place. Also, good for you hh. I'm glad that you are making progress.
Author Ella whispers Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 Thanks Spark, and you're right, noone could have talked me out of it. The MM that she went after is not the same as my xMM. The A that I was involved in lasted a year and he pushed for the the PA, I allowed it and was the sucker. It was a mistake and I regret it. I had read storis online, not here but other articles and such, and thought well that's not my situation. I had thought that she would be scared off by what happened to me since she saw it firsthand, changing my schedule etc.. in order to avoid him. She is a friend to me and I don't want to see her hurt. It just blows my mind that after seeing firsthand what happens in these situations she still enticed him to start an A w/ her.
bentnotbroken Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Thanks Spark, and you're right, noone could have talked me out of it. The MM that she went after is not the same as my xMM. The A that I was involved in lasted a year and he pushed for the the PA, I allowed it and was the sucker. It was a mistake and I regret it. I had read storis online, not here but other articles and such, and thought well that's not my situation. I had thought that she would be scared off by what happened to me since she saw it firsthand, changing my schedule etc.. in order to avoid him. She is a friend to me and I don't want to see her hurt. It just blows my mind that after seeing firsthand what happens in these situations she still enticed him to start an A w/ her. Most people want to believe they are different, their circumstances are different or that they are smart enough to avoid the pitfalls. We lie to ourselves more than any other human on earth. As my mom used to say, "a hard head makes a soft azz".
NoIDidn't Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 So this woman that I work with that figured out what I was up to w/ xMM at work just after I ended it ( I eventually told her) had a crush on a MM at work. She has seen me suffer in silence, cringe when I see him, walk away when he comes ner me and she still went for him. It blows my mind. I still carry so much regret and see this huge sign that flashes SUCKER at me when I see him. I have voiced my regrets to her. She's unhappy in her marriage and started an EA w/ her MM. I have tried to tell her a thousand times but I guess I just have to be a good friend to her and listen. Why are the hardest lessons to learn the ones you have to learn yourself..... Why did she go for it anyway seeing all you are now suffering? Because it must seem to her that her marriage already feels like your suffering, so she wants the MM to make her feel better. IMO, anyway.
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