IfiKnewThen Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 what can i do to get my ex to trust talking to and opening up to me. i cant seem to get him to open up on any level. i ruined it for myself when we were together..by way over reacting to everything and he always paid a price when he did open up. gosh i sound so dang horrible. i didnt do this on purpose of course. i was a train wreck for years with a build up of problems in my life having NOTHING to do with him. and he was awesome and listened to all my woes. but sometimes he caught my very unfriendly fire and was hit with it (verses being in the range of friendly fire) and he ended it with me..(i mean i was cranky, sometimes mean..verbally...but not terrible) he ended by keeping all his hurt and anger inside until one day...he just kept fading from my life more and more. . this is a very complicated relationship and was also long distance. i know i should have shown more appreciation and gratitude for all he was to me. he talked to me like 10 times a day for 10 years... i have a big loss here and have been in a depression for 3 months straight over it. i am lucky if i hear from him 2 x a week now. almost walking around in a daze. anyway....we are trying now to be friends...but so far i have been the friendly one....(i feel i owe it to him and should put myself on the line if i want him back )..but anyway...he's closed as a clam and distant as can be.. and my question is how do i get him to open up so we can truly be friends. i want him to call more and feel safe ..but he has stereo typed me and worse, i fear just doesnt give a damn anymore. beyond accepting things as they are.....which suck....what can i do to get him to truly begin to open up to me.? no i wont hurt him again. i promise...me him and the universe. i just want us to heal and get closer. i loved him more than i ever showed him. i am beyond regretful and morified with my own self. any steps? suggestions? has anyone else been thru this and made any breakthroughs? when they lost the persons trust and interest. i at least want my friend back and to be a friend. yes i have given space. trust me i barely ever call him. i dont want to spook him so i keep my distance...but it still doesnt seem like enough... i thought not calling him would make him call more...(appreciating that i am not calling) ..anyway hes still in touch...praise be almighty...but i want to keep up some momentum and i want him to open up...he is so illusive and an enigma...and stragers now know him better than me ....... if i say lets talk..he sighs............................. and sighs............... and doesnt open up.
sloudrou Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 what can i do to get my ex to trust talking to and opening up to me. i cant seem to get him to open up on any level. i ruined it for myself when we were together..by way over reacting to everything and he always paid a price when he did open up. gosh i sound so dang horrible. i didnt do this on purpose of course. i was a train wreck for years with a build up of problems in my life having NOTHING to do with him. and he was awesome and listened to all my woes. but sometimes he caught my very unfriendly fire and was hit with it (verses being in the range of friendly fire) and he ended it with me..(i mean i was cranky, sometimes mean..verbally...but not terrible) <snip> First of all, why do you want to be friends with an ex anyway? Yes, I know it's politically correct to say "oh we don't hate each other, we're still friends", but the reality is that it's over. Unless you have some desire to rekindle the romance (which you don't mention), then there's really no point being friends. From what you're telling me about your relationship with him, it sounds like you never really loved the guy, but now your ego is just hurt because he was the one who upped and left. Secondly, men generally (myself included) have no desire to sit around and talk for hours. And if you've dumped problems on him that had nothing to do with him in the past, he's going to be even less inclined to do it. As a consequence, it's likely that now you just need to write this guy off and accept that it's over. About your only hope at this point (and I think it's a remote chance at best) is to leave this guy alone for a while and give him some space. Maybe he'll miss you and want to get in touch, but as I said, I think it's highly unlikely. My suggestion to you is to write this guy off, and go and get some professional help for your own issues. Otherwise, you'll just end up scaring off the next guy by doing exactly the same thing.
leavesonautumn Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 In my experience, a guy will open up if he truly wants to. If he cares and wants to connect on a deeper level, he will open up. What you need to do is to forget about this guy right now. Think about yourself and what makes YOU happy. Go seek counseling, go out with friends, do things you used to enjoy and no longer do. Prove to YOURSELF that you can be happy without anyone else. Someone doesn't want you anymore? Oh well, that just means someone better is bound to come along and hopefully by then, you will have the confidence and happiness that will help you keep a long term relationship. I completely let go of my ex and regained confidence/found myself again and now here we are with him contacting me and trying to keep in touch with me every day. Will we get back together? Probably not. The point is that I am happy with or without him. This is what everyone needs to learn after a breakup. At the end of the day, you only have yourself to lean on.
Nikki Sahagin Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 My ex is also closed as a clam, but he was even when we were together. I broke his trust a few times, but nothing big (I was never unfaithful). But yet he beat me with it like it was a stick for the rest of the relationship. Now he has no trust in me at all but I think he is projecting himself onto me, as he behaved in a very shady manner a lot of the time. When I tried to win back his trust, he basically walked all over me, because obviously to earn trust, you are vulnerable and selfless, it becomes all about them. I wouldn't advise you to write him off as others have suggested. If his friendship is important to you, you'll regret walking away. These things can take patience. Trust, like respect and all the good things takes time to earn, especially if its been broken. Then even if he never comes back round to trusting you, you'll know you tried. So try, but don't make it the centre of your world. Accept the idea that he may never trust you and grow comfortable with it so that if it doesn't happen it wont ruin your life! I think you should reiterate that you are hopeful to rebuild his trust and be a friend to him but that it will take effort on his part also. At the end of the day, to trust we all have to take a leap of faith! You can't be prodding that clam forever!
Author IfiKnewThen Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 thank you all for writing and responding. 1st sloudrou -thank you for your insight as to how men feel about having to talk too much or listen too much and have problems , that are not even their own dumped on them. i understand most men (and people in general ) have a limit they as to how much they can take and endure. and i have to remember that. and to give him space. i have been really trying to do that. in fact he does most of the calling now..but i try to encourage things when he does and thru short terse emails. 2nd leavesonautumn- all i can say is AMEN to that! he was veryyy open in the veryyyy beginning of our relationship. then i dominated most of the conversations with my troubles . then i was irritable with my stresses and poor health. and didnt give him the patience he deserved and the soft spokeness and respect he deserved...so that did help him to share with me or be open and honest anymore and now i feel he can't even conceive of me being someone he can really turn to and sadly.....at this time in my life he can. and he is absent...[ [ quote: What you need to do is to forget about this guy right now. Think about yourself and what makes YOU happy ] . trying so so hard. i get out more lately but i am in a complete and utter daze. feel destroyed with heartache and intense regret for not jumping on the wonderful opportunity i had with this man. [ quote:Oh well, that just means someone better is bound to come along] this is almost IMPOSSIBLE. he was near perfect. when i wasnt overlooking him thank you for giving me strength leaves. 3rd-nikki sahagin i completely relate to your words and advise. holy G-d this is SO true. i dont want to not have his friendship. he was the very best friend i ever had in my entire lifetime!!! but sadly hes not even remotely acting like a friend at all. and i am sick of talking about me....i would like him to talk about him more..and he doesnt talk about himself at all. he gives me absolutely no indication of what is going on in his life right now. nikki i would like to send you my story via private email. you sound very insightful. ps nikki i am sorry you went tru that trust thing. and i understand what you mean about projecting himself onto you. quote: I think you should reiterate that you are hopeful to rebuild his trust and be a friend to him but that it will take effort on his part also i will actually say this. i am getting to the point though that if something doesnt give soon...and this cold front keeps up..i am limp and cant fight this fight anymore. i mean that i cant take going from being treated so kindly to so cold now and worst when i am just....invisable. God bless you all and thank you for responding!
sugarmomma Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 you never really loved the guy, but now your ego is just hurt because he was the one who upped and left. That's all it is- EGO. Let it go. Guilt demands punishment. So please stop beating yourself up over this and learn from it so that you don't treat the next guy the same way.
Author IfiKnewThen Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 NEWYORKPINK thank you for writing . your story brought tears to my eyes. i did the same thing to him. from my insecurity or need to control things...especially since it was long distance. i was scared. he was great and kind i should have shown him i had more faith in him. because i am far away and contact is so limited...its hard to sow him i have changed. i am trying though. any tips to show him? how long did it take? maybe i can write you privately and tell you my story some more. its very complicated. but did you stop questioning him? in what why did you change..? what did he see? i have changed so much...but i dont know how to get the chance with him and make him see. its hard to merely tell him.. praise God your guy is back. i am so happy for you!
Nikki Sahagin Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 thank you all for writing and responding. 1st sloudrou -thank you for your insight as to how men feel about having to talk too much or listen too much and have problems , that are not even their own dumped on them. i understand most men (and people in general ) have a limit they as to how much they can take and endure. and i have to remember that. and to give him space. i have been really trying to do that. in fact he does most of the calling now..but i try to encourage things when he does and thru short terse emails. 2nd leavesonautumn- all i can say is AMEN to that! he was veryyy open in the veryyyy beginning of our relationship. then i dominated most of the conversations with my troubles . then i was irritable with my stresses and poor health. and didnt give him the patience he deserved and the soft spokeness and respect he deserved...so that did help him to share with me or be open and honest anymore and now i feel he can't even conceive of me being someone he can really turn to and sadly.....at this time in my life he can. and he is absent...[ [ quote: What you need to do is to forget about this guy right now. Think about yourself and what makes YOU happy ] . trying so so hard. i get out more lately but i am in a complete and utter daze. feel destroyed with heartache and intense regret for not jumping on the wonderful opportunity i had with this man. [ quote:Oh well, that just means someone better is bound to come along] this is almost IMPOSSIBLE. he was near perfect. when i wasnt overlooking him thank you for giving me strength leaves. 3rd-nikki sahagin i completely relate to your words and advise. holy G-d this is SO true. i dont want to not have his friendship. he was the very best friend i ever had in my entire lifetime!!! but sadly hes not even remotely acting like a friend at all. and i am sick of talking about me....i would like him to talk about him more..and he doesnt talk about himself at all. he gives me absolutely no indication of what is going on in his life right now. nikki i would like to send you my story via private email. you sound very insightful. ps nikki i am sorry you went tru that trust thing. and i understand what you mean about projecting himself onto you. quote: I think you should reiterate that you are hopeful to rebuild his trust and be a friend to him but that it will take effort on his part also i will actually say this. i am getting to the point though that if something doesnt give soon...and this cold front keeps up..i am limp and cant fight this fight anymore. i mean that i cant take going from being treated so kindly to so cold now and worst when i am just....invisable. God bless you all and thank you for responding! Feel free to email me
Author IfiKnewThen Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Newyorkpinky i can not find your private message address. please read my recent thread in LDR sick/hurt and please get back to me via my PM address here. i would greatly appreciate it. and excuse all the typos. i hope you can figure out what i am saying. thank you.
Woggle Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 He tried to open up and you shut him down so don't expect it again. In his mind he paid the price for being a man who showed his emotions. I would take this as a lesson of what not to do with the next man because once a man goes through what he did don't expect him to open up again.
Author IfiKnewThen Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 woggle . youre right . thank you. and he finally opened up today and said he met someone and that the hit it off. so he finally opened up.
Phateless Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 what can i do to get my ex to trust talking to and opening up to me. i cant seem to get him to open up on any level. i ruined it for myself when we were together..by way over reacting to everything and he always paid a price when he did open up. gosh i sound so dang horrible. i didnt do this on purpose of course. i was a train wreck for years with a build up of problems in my life having NOTHING to do with him. and he was awesome and listened to all my woes. but sometimes he caught my very unfriendly fire and was hit with it (verses being in the range of friendly fire) and he ended it with me..(i mean i was cranky, sometimes mean..verbally...but not terrible) he ended by keeping all his hurt and anger inside until one day...he just kept fading from my life more and more. . this is a very complicated relationship and was also long distance. i know i should have shown more appreciation and gratitude for all he was to me. he talked to me like 10 times a day for 10 years... i have a big loss here and have been in a depression for 3 months straight over it. i am lucky if i hear from him 2 x a week now. almost walking around in a daze. anyway....we are trying now to be friends...but so far i have been the friendly one....(i feel i owe it to him and should put myself on the line if i want him back )..but anyway...he's closed as a clam and distant as can be.. and my question is how do i get him to open up so we can truly be friends. i want him to call more and feel safe ..but he has stereo typed me and worse, i fear just doesnt give a damn anymore. beyond accepting things as they are.....which suck....what can i do to get him to truly begin to open up to me.? no i wont hurt him again. i promise...me him and the universe. i just want us to heal and get closer. i loved him more than i ever showed him. i am beyond regretful and morified with my own self. any steps? suggestions? has anyone else been thru this and made any breakthroughs? when they lost the persons trust and interest. i at least want my friend back and to be a friend. yes i have given space. trust me i barely ever call him. i dont want to spook him so i keep my distance...but it still doesnt seem like enough... i thought not calling him would make him call more...(appreciating that i am not calling) ..anyway hes still in touch...praise be almighty...but i want to keep up some momentum and i want him to open up...he is so illusive and an enigma...and stragers now know him better than me ....... if i say lets talk..he sighs............................. and sighs............... and doesnt open up. You sound just like my gf, and I've been on the verge of leaving her for a long time... I want to, but I can't let go. My advice from his perspective? Stop trying to get him to change his mind and WORK ON YOURSELF instead. Deal with your issues that caused you to act this way toward him. When he sees REAL CHANGE in you, he'll feel safe to come closer. What you should NOT do, is attempt to make promises and negotiate with him. You've probably been doing that for 10 years and he's sick of it and doesn't trust your word anymore. Why should he? Are you in therapy? Have you read any self-help books? Are you journaling? What ACTION STEPS have you taken to change your internal mindset to prevent these problems from plaguing you? Remember, this is not about you convincing him to come back. This is about you dealing with your own issues FOR YOURSELF. Once you sort yourself out, you'll be easier for anyone to be with.
Author IfiKnewThen Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 phateless..thank you for replying. ironically all the dynamic changed to day for me to even hope to get a second chance. i have been working on myself...but now i so weary......feel lifeless. you can read the post today under LDR's. sick/hurt. that is the update. i can elaborate too in PM after you read that with details about my illness, our ages etc. but looks like all hope is lost today. BUT he finally opened up and told me he had a love interest as of this friday, they met. God bless and thanks for writing back . ps i am sorry your g/f didnt show appreciation for you. we do make mistakes and some of us are really wating to do the right thing..once we learned.
Phateless Posted August 9, 2010 Posted August 9, 2010 phateless..thank you for replying. ironically all the dynamic changed to day for me to even hope to get a second chance. i have been working on myself...but now i so weary......feel lifeless. you can read the post today under LDR's. sick/hurt. that is the update. i can elaborate too in PM after you read that with details about my illness, our ages etc. but looks like all hope is lost today. BUT he finally opened up and told me he had a love interest as of this friday, they met. God bless and thanks for writing back . ps i am sorry your g/f didnt show appreciation for you. we do make mistakes and some of us are really wating to do the right thing..once we learned. Sorry to hear about all of your troubles, I only hope you're making progress on self-improvement. My gf and I have discussed this to death. If she truly wanted to change, she would have by now. I think the only way she'll actually learn is to actually lose me. It looks like that's what it took for you.
Author IfiKnewThen Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 yes thats what it took for me i was an idiot. if youre unhappy with her..please dont give up yet. talk it out. please. let her read this post if you have to. please. wish i could help save one relationship...
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