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Separated now with a new man.

DidiLU

By DidiLU
in Separation and Divorce

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DidiLU Member

DidiLU

Posted
Posted

Just curious ( and not sure where else to post this )

 

I have been separated for maybe 2 years now. Recently found a nice man that I really like, he likes me. Its healthy.

 

My issue or concern is this: why am I suddenly afraid of being in love and starting a relationship with him? I seem to be overly worried about how my ex will take this. ( he may not care but we have two children- this he will care about but I am not looking to replace him as a Father )

 

I suddenly feel like this is wrong because I will hurt my ex.

 

again we arent getting back together.

 

I just seem to have a lot of anxiety and anxiety attacks and I was wondering if anyone else has gone through this when starting a new relationship when you`ve been married once and also have kids ( or not ).

 

You`d think I`d be over the moon. Just feel like I cant open up fully because of my previous partner and how it would effect him. I feel guilty...like I found someone and my ex didnt. I dont want this to hurt him that way.

 

Sometimes I wonder is it because maybe I miss my ex...i certainly do but we just dont work. i dont get it.

 

any advice or suggestions or `hey i`ve been there its normal``

Gunny376 Established Member

Gunny376

Posted
Posted

Has noting to do with your children in so long as you perpetuate a good and solid relationship between them and him (encourage to visit when its "his time", encourage them to send him "Father's Day", "Birthday" and "Christmas Cards"

 

That again and again you perpetuate the message "This is your Father and although things didn't work out between he and I? He's a good and loving father and man!"

 

All the more make him stand up, earn the title and the respect.

 

That can sometimes be hard and difficult to do? In my own instance? No Marine should be married nor a father? The Corps is too demanding a "Mistress" otherwise.

 

Oh! For sure and certain there are exceptions? If your an Admin Clerk, a Pay Clerk, a Supply Clerk. (Not to diminish such in the Marine admin clerks, pay clerks, or supply clerks? Push come to shove, shove to **** they're on the line pulling triggers just as the Grunts are)

 

But for about a third of the Marine Corps its "See Ya! Gotta' go!"

 

Ditto for Army Rangers, Airborne, Green Berets (Special Forces they call them now) SEALS, Air Force "Forward Air Controllers"

 

Yours?

 

Is a simple case of once bitten? Twice shy!

 

Just take it slow! Going through a mime field with your eyes shut, hands over your ears, stepping lightly slow.

 

Ease nice and slowly the new man in with the RELATIONSHIP (because it you, your children and the X that are all involved in a NEW relationship now.

 

Its NOT that you've found a new man ~ its that you've found a new man that you've children with another man?

 

Yea! I know! Sounds like Chinese Calculus to someone who only speaks English?

 

But it is possible to and for all of you to form a friendly relationship.

 

There once was a poster here who's father and step-father became best of friends (PO'd the X-Wife) but they got along great and both gave her away at her wedding.

 

Its possiblie ~ any and all things are! One door closes and another one opens.

spriggig Established Member

spriggig

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'm a STBX and I've already thought of this and prepared myself as well as I can--the thought of my STBXW dating another man. Your ex has done the same, he'll be OK.

Edited by spriggig
foamy2001 Member

foamy2001

Posted
Posted

I would think it's normal. I can't speak from experience, because I'm doubting that I will ever date again, but you've been through a tough time and it is totally natural to be scared of these feelings. I doubt it's concern of what your ex will think. I would imagine you are more afraid of being hurt again.

 

Love is such a touchy thing. If you think it is possible for love to develop with this new guy, don't be afraid. It's a big risk, but there is a big reward waiting at the end if it works out.

 

Good Luck!!!

Steadfast Established Member

Steadfast

Posted
Posted (edited)

 

My issue or concern is this: why am I suddenly afraid of being in love and starting a relationship with him? I seem to be overly worried about how my ex will take this. ( he may not care but we have two children- this he will care about but I am not looking to replace him as a Father )

 

I suddenly feel like this is wrong because I will hurt my ex.

 

I just seem to have a lot of anxiety and anxiety attacks and I was wondering if anyone else has gone through this...

 

*SNIP*

 

...any advice or suggestions or `hey i`ve been there its normal`

 

 

Hey, I've been there and it's normal.

 

Feel better? :laugh:

 

Actually, I was really glad to see this post because it brings up an emotional situation many of us (for lack of a better word) who have been 'out of it' for awhile may or will experience. I sure have and it's...weird.

 

I've been seeing the same, lovely woman for almost a year and we're in love. We're not rushing into anything, but we are together. My ex knows about her but -until last spring at my son's graduation- they had not met. I don't rub my ex's face in it (for a variety of reasons; most of all, it's unfair to my gf) and she in turn never mentions her. To my ex, there almost seems to be a bit of denial, but she did throw a mini-scene after she discovered I was seeing someone the first chance she could get me alone.

 

Remember; this same woman told me she was not attracted to me anymore, had an affair, moved out then had more affairs. That's her. When that happened I just let her rant. I honestly didn't know what else to do.

 

I felt high anxiety when they met that night, after the ceremony. To my surprise, my ex completely ignored her and her kids (she's normally a very friendly person) grabbed my hand, dragged me away from the group and when we were out of earshot, gushed to me about our son. Total denial. Finally, I asked if she'd 'like to meet everyone' and she declined. 'Go back to your company' she said, waving me off. What followed was a period of intense anger by her and I didn't see, or hear from her for weeks after.

 

My kids told me she was upset that I 'involved' her in 'family business' and thought I'd be more 'discreet'. It was almost as if she was suggesting my relationship was an affair -like she had- and then she reminded the kids that she didn't force her 'friends' on them. Last I heard, her married boyfriend doesn't want anything to do with our kids, and would prefer not to be seen in public with her or anyone from her family. That's nice, eh?

 

The whole situation left a bitter taste in my mouth and frankly, dropped my opinion and estimation of her even lower. I do not wish to hurt her, but if moving on and getting on with my life upsets her, there is nothing I can do about it. Like most things where she is concerned, it's a lose-lose. But just for her now. I'm happy to be out of it.

Edited by Steadfast
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