Star Gazer Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I've wondered this over the years. Is it based on upbringing (parents having a bad relationship/divorce/abandonment)? Or being stung in a bad relationship as an adult? Or just wanting to live selfishly? Because I can say I have all three of these characteristics, and I'm not afraid of commitment, quite the contrary. Any thoughts on this?
Pyro Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 the things you mentioned definitely are factors. I'd like to also add into there pop culture. Shows like Married With Children make it uncool to be committed to the same person for a long period of time. The fear is that they assume that just because it happens to others that it will happen to them. Have to take risks sometimes.
norajane Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 It's probably a combination of all those factors, plus others. For me, I think it came from being so sure I wanted to marry my fiancee when I was in my early to mid 20's, moving in with him, and then realizing what a huge mistake it would be to marry him. I started to not trust myself and my judgment after that, since I completely fell out of love with him to the point of actually disliking him, and yet I had been so sure he was right for me...tru luv 4eva! The last thing I wanted after that was to find myself married to someone I couldn't stand a couple years after "I do", but how can you predict that? I felt there was nothing worse than being stuck with someone I didn't want to be with, and feared making that mistake.
Kamille Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 One of Tigress's most recent threads made me realize that my fear of commitment likely comes from my inability to express anger in a relationship. I avoid speaking up for myself so as to avoid conflict. As a result, many relationships I've had made me feel stifled.
Disillusioned Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 I favor the selfishness argument. I've met lots of singles who want to live it up and sample all the sensory pleasures they can before they get too old to bag a spouse. In those cases, they want to avoid as many responsibilities as they can, especially where committed relationships are concerned.
jamesum Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Childhood abuse or dysfunctional family. My father is abusive toward his family, and this makes me fear serious relationship because subconsciously Im thinking that serious relationship means Im going to end up like my parents so no thanks.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 7, 2010 Posted August 7, 2010 In addition to the stuff mentioned above, I can say from past experience that I never wanted to really commit because I was always thinking that there may be someone out there who would be a better match, particularly when I was younger. For some the idea of settling down and knowing that you will never be with anyone else is a scary prospect, particularly if you have the niggling feeling that 'the one' may still be yet in your future.
Nikki Sahagin Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 Well I always THOUGHT I was afraid of committment, but when I was with my ex I jumped 100% into that relationship mentally and emotionally. However my fears materialised. It wasn't that I didn't want him or the relationship but relatonships made me feel very inferior, jealous and anxious; I used to worry my partner would cheat or that I didn't compare to other girls. Basically I brought my own fears and concerns about men into my relationship and let them spoil it. So I think fear of committment is often to do with esteem and faulty beliefs. If you really love someone, I don't think you worry about who else is out there. I loved my ex so much I didn't even let myself look at other guys really. I think fear of committment is sometimes misinterpreted when sometimes its that someone just doesn't really love someone as much as they initially thought. I do have some worries though because my parents have been married FOREVER but honestly I don't see them as a loving and happy couple, so it makes me worried about getting involved in relationships when young.
Green Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 If I asked my gf to marry me my guess is she would say yes. The reason I don't want to get engaged right at the moment is because of fears of us not working out. I just want to enjoy a relationship before taking it to the next level.
Shakz Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I've just been hurt so often in the past that I'm wary of diving too deeply into a new relationship for fear of drowning in regret. I tend to keep a woman at arms length until she can pass all my little tests. Of course, the hoops get progressively smaller and the height increasingly higher, so that ultimately no woman can make the jump. Then I say to myself, "It wasn't meant to be." It's all in my book, "Confessions of a Middle-Aged Commitmentphobe."
LoveLace Posted August 10, 2010 Posted August 10, 2010 I have all 3 of those too. And I'm on the fence with committment. Know I want a partner but dealing with one person all the time forever sounds like a potential disaster to me...Likely I formed that opinion from seeing and knowing way too many unhappy couples and broken marriages...however I struggle big time with communication and getting close on that level...I wish communication wasn't such a huge requirement because I hate it. Expressing myself means letting person get to know me very well... I think part of that is totally because of my parent's divorce, my father did leave us; I'm still close to him but now i live life thinking every man will take off on me eventually. AND I'm entirely selfish because I'm an only child and sharing space is hard, having someone know all my business and everything I do, is hard. I don't know for sure if it's commitment I'm afraid of, or if I"m just really bad at the whole game. But I do think it's a mixture of experiences that makes me like I am... In life though I have noticed it seems the more "happier" marriages are products of parents who are still married as well. And not even necessarily happier, but at least still making it. But maybe that's just a coincidence I've noticed and has nothing to do with functional marriages...
Lady vs Panda Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 I've wondered this over the years. Is it based on upbringing (parents having a bad relationship/divorce/abandonment)? Or being stung in a bad relationship as an adult? Or just wanting to live selfishly? Because I can say I have all three of these characteristics, and I'm not afraid of commitment, quite the contrary. Any thoughts on this? Not every metal responds identically to the forge. For myself I think I tend to be afraid of vulnerability, emotional variety. I am well-shellacked to protect my nougaty interior.
Template Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Negative life experience, personal or observed, can definitely adverse someone's opinion of commitment. For me personally, I've just been hurt too many times to be put in that position again. Besides, not too many people nowadays know what it takes to be in a committed relationship anyways.
Feelin Frisky Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 ... Or just wanting to live selfishly?... Any thoughts on this? That's a bit narrow. Maybe some people know in their heart of hearts that they haven't really discovered themselves yet. That doesn't mean they live selfishly. Perhaps they want to be on steadier ground with their own identities rather than commit their shaky selves to a relationship they are not mature enough to fulfill. In a way that is looking out for others and not necessarily selfish. I think the world is full of capitulators to convention instead of strong individualists and that is why there is so many break ups and dead end divorces. I for one will dismiss a clingy co-dependent who seems to make me her only interest--her problem is hers to overcome and not my assumed burden to try to fix.
carhill Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 Any thoughts on this? Perhaps an excess of ego strength, relative to the other aspects of personality, causing a unreasonably rigid and unwavering perspective. I've seen this in some of my male contemporaries who rarely have long-lived relationships and have never been married. No woman matches up with their perspective of the hurdle, which is uncompromisable in their mind. Even though you might have experienced 'nurture' and socialization which *might* have led to a fear of commitment, your psychology didn't develop the imbalance required to feed it. It's very possible your genetics gave you the tools to win over your socialization.
JohnnyBlaze Posted August 11, 2010 Posted August 11, 2010 It's probably a combination of all those factors, plus others. For me, I think it came from being so sure I wanted to marry my fiancee when I was in my early to mid 20's, moving in with him, and then realizing what a huge mistake it would be to marry him. I started to not trust myself and my judgment after that, since I completely fell out of love with him to the point of actually disliking him, and yet I had been so sure he was right for me...tru luv 4eva! The last thing I wanted after that was to find myself married to someone I couldn't stand a couple years after "I do", but how can you predict that? I felt there was nothing worse than being stuck with someone I didn't want to be with, and feared making that mistake. I should be this way, but I'm not. I went through the early engagement, had my heart torn in two, watched my childhood friends who did get married all get divorced (yep, all of 'em) and yet for some reason, I'm still a romantic. Probably a hopeless romantic, based on the definition of it, but that's another story...
kdark Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 I just have trust issues. I'm afraid if I completely and fully commit to someone they will eventually break my heart, so I just never get close enough for that to happen, and so I end relationships prematurely.
skydiveaddict Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 I just have trust issues. I'm afraid if I completely and fully commit to someone they will eventually break my heart, so I just never get close enough for that to happen, and so I end relationships prematurely. Fear of commitment is natural. I have it big time. I gave my heart away and she smashed it I doubt I will ever have another relationship again. I feel for you
Trimmer Posted August 15, 2010 Posted August 15, 2010 I suppose my original "fear of commitment" was largely a product of my shock at my own parents' divorce during my adolescence. Seemed to me I could do just fine on my own, without a long term commitment. Then, after I met her, through some soul-searching I decided, with her encouragement, to take a leap of faith - with her, she promised - and so I broke through that fear and have two amazing and wonderful kids to show for it. I was committed 100%. However, since she decided not to continue "our" journey together, I'm back on my own and learning to live as a single individual again. Most of the time I can't imagine committing again. "For life" kinda sounds silly to me now - for me anyway - and I just can't imagine it happening again. Is that "fear" of commitment, or acceptance of reality? Note I don't crap all over others' relationships (I'm the biggest booster of my friends who are going strong, and I genuinely wish them well...), nor over the opposite gender. So my feelings are not so much fear or bitterness as a kind of a sad resignation...
Joe Normal Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 Not liking commitment is the obvious reason. Some people prefer freedom, variety, being able to have different romantic partners and so on. What makes you think it is fear anyway, lots of people don't like beer that doesn't mean they are afraid of it.
westrock Posted August 22, 2010 Posted August 22, 2010 (edited) I've wondered this over the years. Is it based on upbringing (parents having a bad relationship/divorce/abandonment)? Or being stung in a bad relationship as an adult? Or just wanting to live selfishly? Because I can say I have all three of these characteristics, and I'm not afraid of commitment, quite the contrary. Any thoughts on this? I think the fear can result from all 3 sources and maybe even others. It all depends on the person's life experiences. I believe that the people like yourself who have all of these characteristics but are not afraid of committment are like that way not because of the presence of the characteristics but more so how they interpretted those past emotional experiences and what they decided to do about it. Someone suffers a break up and they learn from it and move on. Someone else has the same experience but decides to build up an emotional wall to avoid the pain in the future. The same experience but different decisions made lead people down different paths. One thing that I have noticed about people who have a fear of commitment is that if they are asked the right questions, it becomes clear that they actually crave commitment, but they just don't know how to overcome their own internal fears. With others I've noticed that they do not acknowledge that they have a fear of committment despite their actions to the contrary. They are afraid to examine their own fears. Edited August 22, 2010 by westrock
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