Author Silly_Girl Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 Affair = 'safe' relationship? Affair = ego BOOST relationship. Nothing more. Why? And is a non-affair relationship not related to an ego boost?
BB07 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Affair = 'safe' relationship? Affair = ego BOOST relationship. Nothing more. Simply it if you like, as you do most of your posts.
BB07 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Didn't mean to seem tough at all. My friends and family say how well I cope, what I've achieved/survived etc. But relationship-wise I let myself down. Just wondered if you were similar in that way, when you said outwardly well-adjusted. Sorry!! I was agreeing with you in my wordy way.......and yes I'm very much the same. Everyone thinks I'm so strong and tough and that I can do anything, well except the ones who know how my love life really goes.
BB07 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Off Topic........I do have some much needed and deserved free time. My mom has my daughter for the next 2 nights, so I need to get off my duff, out from in front of this puter and get out. I hate going to dinner by myself, but my good friends are busy and my bff is 2 hours away and I'm just not up to the drive, but if I continue to sit here, I will continue obsessing, so it's a step right? I'm going to go do something. You gals and guys have a good evening! PS......Spark......you are so awesome!
hopesndreams Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Simply it if you like, as you do most of your posts. I am entitled to my opinion and those in A's feel entitled to boink someone else's SO. Still keeping it simple.
BB07 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I am entitled to my opinion and those in A's feel entitled to boink someone else's SO. Still keeping it simple. You are entitled to feel how ever you feel, but if you had bothered to read this thread you would get it is not about boinking someone's SO. It's an honest and hopefully something good can come out of it, hard look at ourselves. It isn't about feeling entitled to anything. Seems you missed that point. IMO......you aren't contributing to any thoughtful discussion, just being a little nasty about "your opinion" with your one liners.
Mimolicious Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 I know what you are saying and why. I can really see it. I do doubt my chances of meeting anyone. Just because I work 60 hours a week, and 95% of free time is spent with my lad. But that's pretty much irrelevant. What you say IS true. He is the 'ultimate' to me currently. I have 2 friends who want to smack me for being back in contact with MM but instead they are nagging me to get out and about and meet people/men. Perspective I guess. But I won't notice anyone else, will I? D'oh. I'm not settled in my current situation, but I'm working hard on it. I've been there SG. No, I don't think you will notice anyone else. SHOOT! I think nobody else notices you either. LOL! It happened to me! I felt like I was the color green and had 3 heads. WTF! Not for nothing, I am a gorgeous looking chick but I guess we are made out of energy. Your chances are what you make then, though. You never know, the cable guy may be hot!
breaking_bad Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I think that you were in love with the guy for all the reasons that you listed. And you truly needed and valued someone that loved you like that, and appreciated all of your dimensions. You felt understood - the holy grail of the human experience. The reasons why you can't emotionally leave the relationship, well I'm not sure that you necessarily need to connect those so tightly. You loved him because he understood you. You are afraid you may never find anyone else that will understand you because you're smart enough to know that you are a deep, complex human being and you know damn well how hard it is to find someone equally as complex, or someone emotionally intelligent enough to identify that uniqueness in you, and appreciate it as he did. It's just a beautiful thing when that happens. And I will tell you, if you are an intelligent, ballsy, hardworking, successful, vulnerable, emotional, expressive, sarcastic, lovely, funny, childlike, mature, animated single mom, you understand dimension like no one else, and you live your life on levels alot of people just don't have let alone even know exist. And you are also craving, and I mean craving, someone to understand all of these things about you. Because for however it is a blessing to be all those things, it's not easy when you are all those things. Because no one gets all of you. Only pieces. So depending on who you're with from one minute to the next, you give them a piece. And that isn't very fulfilling in the end. But he got you. And that's tough to let go. Though I guess being understood on this earth doesn't necessarily have to be the job of a romantic partner. Nice, but not necessary. Anyway, I think that trying to dig into yourself through this process is awesome and you should keep going and let us know what you find out But I hear you, if that makes you feel better
Mombot Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 I am very worthy- I don't think most OW think they are unworthy/we just happened to fancy one not available!
Author Silly_Girl Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 I think that you were in love with the guy for all the reasons that you listed. And you truly needed and valued someone that loved you like that, and appreciated all of your dimensions. You felt understood - the holy grail of the human experience. The reasons why you can't emotionally leave the relationship, well I'm not sure that you necessarily need to connect those so tightly. You loved him because he understood you. You are afraid you may never find anyone else that will understand you because you're smart enough to know that you are a deep, complex human being and you know damn well how hard it is to find someone equally as complex, or someone emotionally intelligent enough to identify that uniqueness in you, and appreciate it as he did. It's just a beautiful thing when that happens. And I will tell you, if you are an intelligent, ballsy, hardworking, successful, vulnerable, emotional, expressive, sarcastic, lovely, funny, childlike, mature, animated single mom, you understand dimension like no one else, and you live your life on levels alot of people just don't have let alone even know exist. And you are also craving, and I mean craving, someone to understand all of these things about you. Because for however it is a blessing to be all those things, it's not easy when you are all those things. Because no one gets all of you. Only pieces. So depending on who you're with from one minute to the next, you give them a piece. And that isn't very fulfilling in the end. But he got you. And that's tough to let go. Though I guess being understood on this earth doesn't necessarily have to be the job of a romantic partner. Nice, but not necessary. Anyway, I think that trying to dig into yourself through this process is awesome and you should keep going and let us know what you find out But I hear you, if that makes you feel better You are right. You really do get me!!! Thanks so much for this, truly.
Author Silly_Girl Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 I am very worthy- I don't think most OW think they are unworthy/we just happened to fancy one not available! If it was that simple we'd all move right along, wouldn't we? Nothing would start in the first place? Would we not be confident that there are many men who we can have this with so look past the taken and troublesome ones and focus on the good ones. No?
pureinheart Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 There are millions of men that you can "gel" with. You don't know because you are not meeting any. You are trapped in one dimension. In a R with someone that in your eyes is the "be all end all", how can see you any further? You as settled as he is. Mimo, I can totally relate to SG concerning the gel part...(no offence GEL:))...I have the same issues, it takes a lot for me to hook up with someone, also I am a handful too, possibly moreso that you even SG...you'd think age would mello me...nope...I am extremely fun to party with and don't need alcohol, but do partake from time to time:).
torranceshipman Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 (edited) MM has stated reasons in the past, valid to him, for not leaving his wife. I have talked to him, my counsellor, discussed on here, and thought a good deal and have the very strong feeling that being with me would be just too much for him. He would have to face things in himself he is not comfortable with, he would need to face some really bad relationship habits he has got in to; and could no longer pretend to be emotionally retarded. I didn't get that side of him, i.e. some of his worst traits in his marriage were nothing like the person he let me see. I KNOW a lot of that was in reaction to his wife's actions, but that is not at all the point. I believe he just is not brave enough to actually look in the mirror and accept himself. Or maybe he can do that, but he possibly can't then act on it and change those things he needs to change. Then I was thinking about the things I love about the dynamic of he and I. And one of the things I kept coming back to was that he truly loves all side of me. I find it difficult to gel with men; actually far from it - to clarify I find it difficult to meet/connect with potential partners. I think I'm a bit of a handful. But MM loves and can interact with the geeky, nerdy me, the energetic career woman, the soppy mum and proud housewife, the tipsy and loud party girl, the hopeless romantic, the quiet introspective one, the bedroom vixen (his favourite? ) etc etc etc. And I value that so much. It really is something I know now I searched for with others and never found. The fact I never hide any part of me, am 100% open, honest, vulnerable. He is the first person in my whole life (except my best friend of 18 years - I think) I can have that with. Not my mum or sister or my ex-husband. No one. Having that really means so much to me. And then I clicked. In the same way he's staying safe in his marriage, am I doing the same? Am I not being brave by searching for what I feel I need in someone else? Someone who is free to be with me? Is this safe for me because he is married and therefore potentially will always 'be there' and I'm not really vulnerable at all, like I think I am. But to try and meet someone else, that truly WOULD be exposing myself? (and not in a good way!) Is this issue something others have thought/felt or is this me just waffling? I think you are right! And I think you have hit the nail on the head: if you two were free to have a 100% proper R, I suspect that compatibility would lessen quite significantly. It is also the same reason that (I think) many MM don't leave their M - because the M is an excuse for keeping the OW at a safe distance (in a commitment phobe way). If you open yourself up to the idea of being single, you WILL meet the love of your life one day, but the MM is not that guy. Also, I suspect that you aren't a handful at all - not for the right guy. I feel the same as you - I have never really met someone that 'got' me until my fiance and I am mid 30's! But the point is to be truly honest with yourself and never settle and right now you are settling - also I don't think the MM truly gets you, as if he did, he wouldn't be giving you so little - he'd be honoring what he can see in you with a full R, or by honorably walking away and leaving you free to be loved by someone that can always be there for you. Edited August 5, 2010 by torranceshipman
Author Silly_Girl Posted August 8, 2010 Author Posted August 8, 2010 There are millions of men that you can "gel" with. You don't know because you are not meeting any. You are trapped in one dimension. In a R with someone that in your eyes is the "be all end all", how can see you any further? You as settled as he is. Thought of you last week Mimo, more than once... There's a chap at work. In different circumstances I could have quite a crush on him. First of all, work is a NO-GO ZONE for me (weird that work is, but a married man isn't... ), but he has a lot of qualities I respect. And with the long hours I've been doing I'm around at funny times of the morning and evening and so is he. And I think he's got a little thing for me, he's all nervous and smiley and we can talk about so many different things... I've really enjoyed his company on a couple of occasions. He's the first man since I met MM that made me think "see SG? There ARE other men like that". However, having got to the point of feeling like that on a couple of occasions I've kept my office door shut after hours (so he leaves for home without popping for a chat) because this man is married with children and I don't want to give him the wrong impression at all. AAARRGGH!!! But what I'm taking from it is that it's positive news that I've found another that (in different circs) I'd love to go for a walk/drink/dinner with. There must be more of these, somewhere....
Angel1111 Posted August 8, 2010 Posted August 8, 2010 While we were still in the affair, MM once told me, "You're with me because I'm safe." I denied it at the time but I think I now know what he meant by that. He was safe in the sense that it wasn't a real relationship. He lived out of town and I maybe saw him once every couple of months and we talked constantly through email and texting. The relationship wasn't safe in many ways of course because it ended up truly hurting me, but I think it was safe in the sense that I needed it to be on a subconscious level.
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