Husband cheated online - My mom wants me to try to work it out..

[Resigned]

Hi, This is my first post. I found it when I was researching what people thought about "online cheating". You seem like a very caring community.

 

This is my 2nd marriage, almost 15 years. We have no kids - but do have dogs whom I love dearly. Over time, my interest in sex has waned a bit. He's always had a strong sex drive.

 

Almost 2 years ago, I had to use his laptop to send an email with a photo because our main computer was down. I accidentally found a photo of him doing things to a photo of another woman.

 

When he came home I confronted him. I was shocked, stunned... and believe it or not I was not angry- but very sad.

 

He apologized up and down, said it would never happen again. He just wanted a little "spice". He did get angry that I was "snooping around" his computer! I explained EXACTLY how I accidently found the photo. (the nerve!!) He asked me to trust him and I told him yes. But I have to admit, the seed of doubt had already been planted.

 

Although our sex life wasn't great before that, (he had gained so much weight that I literally can't breathe when we have sex. We'd do alternative things instead ) I really had trouble with it afterwards. I was grossed out.

 

I had often been the type of person to do things (or not do things) to keep the peace in the house (not stating my real thoughts & opinions, etc) If I didn't agree with him, many times he's argue and fight (he's a loud person). I can't do that. Fighting wears me out for days. I literally have to sleep. So that's why I would go along.

 

But after finding that photo, I started sticking up for myself and speaking up for myself. And so the fights ensued..... (never physical!)

 

I started thinking about leaving a lot, but wanted to try to work it out. Then recently we had a big fight which ended with him "insisting" that I check out his laptop to look for ANYthing. Cause he wasn't doing that anymore. I cried and said, no, I trust you.

 

But the next day I did, and found that he was using an email address I had never seen before in a messaging program. I wrote it down for later. I could NOT deal with what I might find at the time.

 

A month later I finally did. Glad I waited because I was shocked. I found a chat with him and another woman on an incest forum. It was from 2 years ago, but I was disgusted. I was checking to see if he'd logged on recently and he did - twice in the last 3 weeks. Now they've closed the forum so I'd have to register in order to see. I won't be doing THAT! I have screen shots as proof anyways.

 

After finding that brought to mind 2 other times in the distant past where he was caught but he talked his way out of it claiming "it wasn't me"

 

This was at least 10 years ago and one time I went in to use our (only) computer and noticed that a browser window was opened but minimized. It was a young porn site. I stormed into the garage where he was working on something and boy was he scared. He told me he had NEVER seen me so angry. I told him what I found. He claimed he didn't do it. That he WAS on another "regular" porn site (which I don't mind!!) and that must have popped up on its own.

 

This happened again a couple of years later. I think I wanted to believe him. AND he's very good at making one believe him.

 

Well based on recent discovery of the incest site he frequents, I now believe that he intentionally went to those sites.

 

My Mom KNOWS all this, but but still wants me to keep an open mind about possibly trying to work things out. At first I did, but the more I think about it, the more I don't think I can live with someone like that. It was obviously not a one time thing.

 

Fortunately, no kids. Unfortunately, I can only take one of our dogs with me. It would be better for the others to stay with him as he'll get the house. I don't want them to end up in rescue and I know he loves them. They will get good care. It just breaks my heart to leave them.

 

I am self employed, and have not been serious about it. I need to get it going more so I can support myself in a small studio apartment. Won't get much money from him because of all the debt anyways. I'll ask to do the divorce w/o lawyers. There's so little money and no kids. If he wanted to use a lawyer I'd have to use legal aid.

 

So now I'm just waiting and trying to build my business. He has no idea that I know.

 

I am interested to hear if anyone agrees or disagrees with my Mom about trying to work it out.

 

Thanks and sorry for the long post!

[2sure]

This is not about reconciling after infidelity or being betrayed. This is not about conflicting views regarding porn and sex. It also has nothing to do with the amount of sex in your relationship , your interest in it, or your physical attraction to him. Further..this has little to do with trust in my opinion.

 

He is interested in incest and kiddie porn. He is a pervert and a criminal.

Leave and report this to the police in your area.

[GorillaTheater]

I just through posting about the importance of having the integrity to adhere to healthy boundaries on another thread, so in the same vein let me approach it this way.

 

You have healthy boundaries, and it seems to me that you've probably made those boundaries clear to him. He won't respect those boundaries. I think you would be surrendering your integrity to stay in this marriage, at least as it is.

 

One thing to consider: he'll likely beg and plead for you to stay. Shrug it off, because if any part of you wants to save this marriage, you'll need actions, not words. And the kind of actions I suspect you'll need will involve total transparency on his part and be sustained over a very long period of time.

[GorillaTheater]

Crap, is that what we're talking about here? Kiddie porn?

 

Yeah, if it is, I'm with 2sure. Time to call the cops.

[Resigned]

Thanks very much. In his case I don't think he's been attracted to the very young.. more like high school - but illegal in this country (USA) nonetheless.

[BB07]

I gotta ask........why in the world would you want to stay? Obviously you don't like it, it disgusts you what he is doing, (would me to). So........forget what your mom says, it's not her, it's YOU.

Lose the dead weight, get on with you life, don't waste anymore time on a dead end relationship.

[You Go Girl]

Been there, done that.

He won't change. It's what he likes. It's disgusting, yep.

You haven't scratched the surface to what goes on in his mind and to the sites he's been to and hidden the history of.

These types don't change. Healthy normal lust isn't in their resume. They want weird and twisted.

Read my post started by me if you want more info.

Mine was as bad as yours or worse.

One month to finalization of divorce. I've moved out.

This went on for 6+ years.

 

Think seriously about the money situation. I'm cash poor and about to buy the economy pack of ramen noodles if I don't get things hopping with my business.

[Resigned]

Thank you ALL for your frank and honest opinions! It has truly helped me.

 

As for why I even considered staying? Until I discovered he was on an incest board, it wasn't always easy, but marriage ISN'T always easy. I did love him, and just like battered women who stay with their husbands - they say that when he's good he's really good. Same thing here. And I hate to leave my dogs, they are my kids!

 

After I found he was on that board though... I was pretty sure there was nothing that would work. I usually respect my Mom's opinion, so her comments really threw me for a loop. I thought I'd get better advice coming to an unbiased community I think Mom is worried I'll end up broke as she's not doing so well financially or health wise.

 

Thank you all!!!

[MJEW]

I was in a relationship for a few years where he would continuously masterbate to younger woman, they would be high schoolish girls. Now i have nothng against sex, porn, masterbation whatever, but what did happen was I began to second myself as a woman and what I had to offer sexually in a relationship.

 

It brings you down, questions yourself, and you worry about everything....

If it makes you unhappy, then you have the choice to stop it....

He won't change, he'll cover it up more, based on my own experience it will get worse.

[Resigned]

You Go Girl, thank you so much! Yes, I just went and read your threads. Yes, very similar and yes, yours was much worse. I hope your biz picks up (((hugs)))

 

I've gone thru and figured out costs to get a budget together - including self employment tax. With the house I had so many deductions that I'll loose by moving to an apartment. Health insurance is the one I haven't nailed down yet.

 

Thank you also MJEW!!

[spriggig]

"High School-ish" is not "kiddie porn". There are plenty of 18 year-olds on porn sites who look 15. So, I doubt anything illegal has happened here.

 

Regardless, no one on this site can give you reasons to stay with this guy if you've decided you don't want to. Your presentation of the situation will be necessarily biased toward your own view.

 

What you're really here looking for is an echo chamber to reinforce the position you already hold, to strengthen your resolve against your mother. You've come to the right place for that!

 

Consider this alternative view--perhaps the view your mother has--whoever you end up with after this guy will have problems too, different and maybe worse problems. Better the devil you know.

 

I had often been the type of person to do things (or not do things) to keep the peace in the house (not stating my real thoughts & opinions, etc) If I didn't agree with him, many times he's argue and fight (he's a loud person). I can't do that. Fighting wears me out for days. I literally have to sleep. So that's why I would go along.

 

I think it's likely that your husband would be surprised to read what you have written in your post. Here is the first thing he'll say when you tell him why you want a divorce: "I had no idea you felt that way!"

 

Based on what you've told us, especially that quote above, I think you SHOULD try harder with him. Use your mom as a sounding board, keep her up to date on your efforts, once you convince HER that you've no choice left but divorce you'll KNOW you're in the clear--which is a certainty that's impossible for you to find here.

 

Divorce should be a LAST resort. Not a half-way-there resort based on implied charges of kiddie porn addiction.

[WalkInThePark]

He is - literally - a fat deranged bastard. Divorce him NOW and report him to the police. Because this being on an incest forum and a young porn site smells of illegal stuff. You don't want to be married to someone like that, do you?

 

One of the reasons why your sex drive was low, was probably because of his approach of sex. I have once been with a guy about whom I learnt later that he was a sex addict and already after a couple of months I was no longer into him sexually (although I had no clue of this true nature at the time). There was simply something so obsessive in the way he dealt with sex that I was turned off.

Edited August 4, 2010 by WalkInThePark

[WalkInThePark]

Consider this alternative view--perhaps the view your mother has--whoever you end up with after this guy will have problems too, different and maybe worse problems. Better the devil you know.

 

Better the devil you know? Well, with that philosophy one will never get divorced of course...

 

I can't imagine a lot of worse problems than the one this guy brings...

[You Go Girl]

It is true that young porn sites or incest forums do not equate breaking a law, although he may have seen and been to illegal sites. It is not unusual for a person who is seeking porn obsessively to eventually run across and/or download something illegal.

But that's not even the issue. The issue is the lack of honesty and intimacy in this marriage. He is a stranger in some ways, and he prefers it that way. It is not a complete marriage; he is half in his marriage and half out with his fantasy sex land.

This is the old porn debate, and we should avoid going there. The thread will lose its focus.

What we do have is a man who is obsessed with sexual fantasy. Whether or not he has physically betrayed you is another question. But it's not the important question, once again. The important thing is that he leads a secret sexual life outside of the marriage, lies about it, covers it up, yadda yadda. The intimacy is far from true.

Some women are ok with that. He can have his secret sex life thinking. But the OP is not ok with that. That is where the conflict arises. She has every right to feel the way she does.

When approached with the problem, her H not only decided to continue the behavior, but to do so in secrecy, with lies, and never get the intimacy on the level in the marriage. In otherwords, entitlement in his view, with disregard for honesty and disclosure and mutual decision making in the process.

It will tear a woman up inside. He won't change. He made his decision long ago that this secret sex life is more important than true intimacy with his wife. The issue was never approached by him with any desire for conflict resolution.

[Resigned]

"High School-ish" is not "kiddie porn".

 

That is why I wanted to mention the type of females he's attracted to. I didn't mean to infer that they were THAT young and wanted to hear opinions on the facts. I'm sorry if I mislead before!

 

What you're really here looking for is an echo chamber to reinforce the position you already hold, to strengthen your resolve against your mother. You've come to the right place for that!

 

What I wanted were totally unbiased opinions based on just the facts that I know. This whole thing has really thrown me for a loop and I sway back and forth sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I still love him, but not sexually. That is a big part of my sway back and forth. I was finally leaning much more towards leaving, but my Mom's comment got me confused with myself.

 

As for "the devil you know"...this is my 2nd marriage and the 1st one was as bad or worse. I don't think I'll get married again. As one friend said "your picker is broke" LOL!

 

When I made my first post, I did not include the message I found from him to someone else on the incest board in case he happened to be on this board as well... but I think I'll take that chance so I can put everything out there..

 

He said: "I am also looking for a girl to be my daughter. I love role play and your description of what you want is right in line with mine. I would love to email and chat. use #####@---.com. I hope to hear from you soon"

 

THIS is what so disgusted me. I don't think there's any way for him to be "fixed" of this.

 

Walk in the Park, thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts!

 

Thank you You Go Girl, thank you! You have put into words what I was feeling and could not explain.

Edited August 4, 2010 by Resigned
To add my reply to You Go Girl

[spriggig]

That is why I wanted to mention the type of females he's attracted to. I didn't mean to infer that they were THAT young and wanted to hear opinions on the facts. I'm sorry if I mislead before!

 

 

 

What I wanted were totally unbiased opinions based on just the facts that I know. This whole thing has really thrown me for a loop and I sway back and forth sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I still love him, but not sexually. That is a big part of my sway back and forth. I was finally leaning much more towards leaving, but my Mom's comment got me confused with myself.

 

As for "the devil you know"...this is my 2nd marriage and the 1st one was as bad or worse. I don't think I'll get married again. As one friend said "your picker is broke" LOL!

 

When I made my first post, I did not include the message I found from him to someone else on the incest board in case he happened to be on this board as well... but I think I'll take that chance so I can put everything out there..

 

He said: "I am also looking for a girl to be my daughter. I love role play and your description of what you want is right in line with mine. I would love to email and chat. use #####@---.com. I hope to hear from you soon"

 

THIS is what so disgusted me. I don't think there's any way for him to be "fixed" of this.

 

Walk in the Park, thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts!

 

Thank you You Go Girl, thank you! You have put into words what I was feeling and could not explain.

 

Fair enough.

 

You're husband is searching for someone online to role play with and keeping that secret from you. Should he follow through with that and then continue after the first time--I'd call that cheating. (My wife cheated on me online).

 

Have you been absolutely clear with him? Have you had this conversation with him, the one you're having here with us?

 

Have you clearly expressed your concern over his weight gain?

[Resigned]

spriggig not yet. I'm trying to get myself OK financially first before having that confrontation. It's quite possible that he would kick me out and I have to be able to live on my own should that happen. Yes, I know legally he can't kick me out, but I sure wouldn't want to stay if he tried. Not physical -- but would be just awful to stay in that case...

 

Thanks for your opinion as well!

[Resigned]

spriggigI have been thinking about your response.

 

Fair enough.

 

You're husband is searching for someone online to role play with and keeping that secret from you......

 

But the TYPE of "girl" he's role playing with? And based on the last 2 times I found those sites on our computer. I can never look at him the same way ever again - fat or skinny.

 

That and the fact the he's yelled at me that I have to trust him or there's no point...

 

So yes, maybe I was looking for support on "my" side and I didn't realize it until you brought that up and I started thinking about it. My 2 best friends already want me to leave but try not to say too much as I am the one who has to live with my decision.

 

THanks again to everyone!