when a man loves a woman......

[chanbre]

Hi, this is probably going to be quite lengthy, and I apologise in advance and thankyou for taking the time to read it.

I met my partner through my work though we did not work together per say. He actively sought me out,.....persistently chased me for months. At this time he lived with his ex wife and the kids. However they lived in separate parts of the house. So I did not want to get involved. Other people in my workplace continally told me how he is a very nice guy and what he is saying is true, so after a while I decided to go for it. I was not sorry, though I must admit I struggled at times about his commitment to keeping his ex wife happy. Later through her own silly and illegal actions, included abuse to me and him and stalking me I could understand why. It only took court action to stop the behaviour from her. It was about a year from meeting him that he needed to move out due to the difficulties our relationship had on their living situation and we decided to get a house together (renting not buying). Due to his work he needed to live in a certain area and so I moved in to this area with him. All of the court and legal proceedings with her strained the relationships with his children and I told him why don't we stop the proceedings (DVO application), and if she starts up again we'll take it up. I wanted him to be able to repair the relationship with his kids.

That's a basic background.

After moving in, I find out that a friend he has overseas that he did tell me about, was a little more than a friend, she and him used to chat online and show each other pictures. So I told him how I felt about this and he said he would remove her number from his phone, and cease all contact with her. I believed him. Then he had a fb page which I was a friend on, and there were alot of comments that I found innappropriate on like "you would never leave your wife for me.....so I don't really think this is for real" and then one from him...."I've had to move out of home...so a friend and I have moved intogether". Plus there were many suggestive comments back and forward between all friends on his page. I told him it offended me and that I was hurt by his lack of commitment to me on this page. He offerred to deactive the account and use his real one only. Again I believed him.

Then one day I come home from work, looking through the history on the computer (I was not snooping but rather looking for a web page I had previously visited) and I found links to porn. I did snoop then by clicking on these links. There was restricted access due to it being part of a group he was a member of. So I couldn't see what it was. So I snooped some further into his computer and found hundreds of photos and videos, mostly of lesbians together. I asked him about all of this and he responded that he enjoys looking at 2 women together. ok so I didn't understand but I tried to. He didn't really seem open to talking together about how his fantasy could be used to benefit our sexual relationship, but rather closed the subject entirely. I asked him to clean up the computer because my son uses the computer and there are many photos strewn throughout everywhere.

I just kept a snooping eye over the next few days and found a pattern of when I was at work was when he was downloading the photos and videos. I questioned him again and he said oh I wasn't looking it up, I just clicked on a link. I knew this wasn't right because also of dates and times on the images, there was more too it than just clicking on a link. He was downloading images to the computer. I asked him to stop and tried again to explain the hurt it is causing me. Next day, same. I asked him to leave because I need some time on my own. He did and stayed at his work. After 3 days he came back because he had nowhere to go. While he was staying at his work he completely cleaned up the pc and it was clean of photos, videos and all the crap he had on it. He told me that is what he spent his time doing. Things after that seemed great, I should mention that we have an extremely good sex life and a really great friendship. We love being together, doing things together and both of us can't wait to the end of each day when we are together. We always shower or bath together and except when I am on night shift we always go to bed together at the same times. On the occasion when I have fallen asleep on the couch, he will gently wake me and bring me to bed.

Well then it started again.....this time he was trying to be a little careful - using incognito window browsing...but occasionally he must have forgot and left traces on the computer and in the history. He made it all very simple. So I delved a little deeper before confronting him. I found out he had another email account and his profile was a woman and he accessed other womens photos from a lesbian group online. This made me sick and I threw up. I decided then that I could not be with him. I asked him to leave again, this time it was late at night, he had nowhere not even work. He had to stay in a motel.

We did talk while he was away, and I went to seek a counselor. When I told him I was going to speak to someone he wanted to come. So we decided on a weekend away and a counselor. From our counselling (1 session) it somehow came about that he was just doing this as stress relief after work, and that I was too stressed and should find some way to destress. I walked away feeling guilty and questioning myself and my role in the whole situation. Mind you I certainly had been stressed.

So he moves back in again. And in the meantime, we have to move house. In new house I look up Facebook and find that there is a different email other than his and mine being signed in. The one from his old account. I ask him,he says he accidently typed it in. ok I accept this. Then last week I am racing home from work so he can use the car to take the 9year old to school. I am going to have a shower and we were going out for the day. We have great time together and love getting out and about and away. I had promised my son I was going to do something on the computer at work but I had forgot. So I jump on his computer which already has half dozen things opened across the bottom. I ignore them and do what I need to do. Then a messenger screen pops up. Well curiosity kills the cat, so I snoop. I find messages from that morning, the previous night and nearly everyday with the overseas girl. Explicit messages. I am very upset and I don't want to see him. I tell him this time it is over over completely. I tell him I can't handle this over and over again. He uses the car and moves his stuff to a friends (but still heaps left here). While he gone, I got again curious and looked up that email address in facebook and find that he has been chatting to many women, saying how much he misses them and lots of explicit stuff. I am very very upset. When he gets back with the car I tell him to go....but not quite so nice.

Now it's been a week. He came over last night and he ended up staying. It was nice I felt encouraged with the chat. He said he would delete the facbook account and all the email accounts. He did one straight away in front of me. We had a relaxing and sensual bath and he made love to me. I know you are all thinking he did it all so he could get a little bit...and I know this is true. In morning I go to work at 6am, when he gets up he goes onto the facbook (both of them) and responds to some emails from some women I don't think much of. The women who put next to naked pictures as their profile picture. Before I said anything, he says to me, would you like me to move back tomorrow. So then I confront him again, he stops here after work. I didn't get angry, I told him I am just disappointed now, not angry. He leaves. I sent him a text saying I'm sorry, I can't keep doing it. I tell him I am saying goodbye and for him to take care. He says I love you again and then he says "i'm sorry, shouldn't have done that. I was asking myself why as I did it. I have failed you again.

 

OK I know all the stuff that's going on. I know he's a man that really isn't going to change. I know that he has a problem. I know that he has lied so many times.

 

Problem is that I love him very deeply. When I say this, it has a hell of alot of power and strength. I have not been in a serious relationship before, never lived with a man, and once lost to an early death a relative and have avoided letting myself love. But him....I love deeply.

 

I want to believe him when he says he's going to change. I want to trust him when he is online. I told him the only way I can see is if we don't have internet.He can't do that - he says he needs it. We argue about that.

 

Honestly I don't know why I'm posting this up here. It makes me feel a little better sharing.

 

Any comments are welcome and thanks for reading.

[cookie2]

He lied to you once and promised he'd change.

He lied to you again and promised he'd change.

He lied to you a third time and promised he'd change.

Is he really going to change the 4th time?

 

You need to kick him out, and never speak to him again. Don't let him worm his way back. Yes it might hurt because you love him, but in the long run it is best for you. Read my signature!

[Bitterman24/7]

Hi, this is probably going to be quite lengthy, and I apologise in advance and thankyou for taking the time to read it.

I met my partner through my work though we did not work together per say. He actively sought me out,.....persistently chased me for months. At this time he lived with his ex wife and the kids. However they lived in separate parts of the house. So I did not want to get involved. Other people in my workplace continally told me how he is a very nice guy and what he is saying is true, so after a while I decided to go for it. I was not sorry, though I must admit I struggled at times about his commitment to keeping his ex wife happy. Later through her own silly and illegal actions, included abuse to me and him and stalking me I could understand why. It only took court action to stop the behaviour from her. It was about a year from meeting him that he needed to move out due to the difficulties our relationship had on their living situation and we decided to get a house together (renting not buying). Due to his work he needed to live in a certain area and so I moved in to this area with him. All of the court and legal proceedings with her strained the relationships with his children and I told him why don't we stop the proceedings (DVO application), and if she starts up again we'll take it up. I wanted him to be able to repair the relationship with his kids.

That's a basic background.

After moving in, I find out that a friend he has overseas that he did tell me about, was a little more than a friend, she and him used to chat online and show each other pictures. So I told him how I felt about this and he said he would remove her number from his phone, and cease all contact with her. I believed him. Then he had a fb page which I was a friend on, and there were alot of comments that I found innappropriate on like "you would never leave your wife for me.....so I don't really think this is for real" and then one from him...."I've had to move out of home...so a friend and I have moved intogether". Plus there were many suggestive comments back and forward between all friends on his page. I told him it offended me and that I was hurt by his lack of commitment to me on this page. He offerred to deactive the account and use his real one only. Again I believed him.

Then one day I come home from work, looking through the history on the computer (I was not snooping but rather looking for a web page I had previously visited) and I found links to porn. I did snoop then by clicking on these links. There was restricted access due to it being part of a group he was a member of. So I couldn't see what it was. So I snooped some further into his computer and found hundreds of photos and videos, mostly of lesbians together. I asked him about all of this and he responded that he enjoys looking at 2 women together. ok so I didn't understand but I tried to. He didn't really seem open to talking together about how his fantasy could be used to benefit our sexual relationship, but rather closed the subject entirely. I asked him to clean up the computer because my son uses the computer and there are many photos strewn throughout everywhere.

I just kept a snooping eye over the next few days and found a pattern of when I was at work was when he was downloading the photos and videos. I questioned him again and he said oh I wasn't looking it up, I just clicked on a link. I knew this wasn't right because also of dates and times on the images, there was more too it than just clicking on a link. He was downloading images to the computer. I asked him to stop and tried again to explain the hurt it is causing me. Next day, same. I asked him to leave because I need some time on my own. He did and stayed at his work. After 3 days he came back because he had nowhere to go. While he was staying at his work he completely cleaned up the pc and it was clean of photos, videos and all the crap he had on it. He told me that is what he spent his time doing. Things after that seemed great, I should mention that we have an extremely good sex life and a really great friendship. We love being together, doing things together and both of us can't wait to the end of each day when we are together. We always shower or bath together and except when I am on night shift we always go to bed together at the same times. On the occasion when I have fallen asleep on the couch, he will gently wake me and bring me to bed.

Well then it started again.....this time he was trying to be a little careful - using incognito window browsing...but occasionally he must have forgot and left traces on the computer and in the history. He made it all very simple. So I delved a little deeper before confronting him. I found out he had another email account and his profile was a woman and he accessed other womens photos from a lesbian group online. This made me sick and I threw up. I decided then that I could not be with him. I asked him to leave again, this time it was late at night, he had nowhere not even work. He had to stay in a motel.

We did talk while he was away, and I went to seek a counselor. When I told him I was going to speak to someone he wanted to come. So we decided on a weekend away and a counselor. From our counselling (1 session) it somehow came about that he was just doing this as stress relief after work, and that I was too stressed and should find some way to destress. I walked away feeling guilty and questioning myself and my role in the whole situation. Mind you I certainly had been stressed.

So he moves back in again. And in the meantime, we have to move house. In new house I look up Facebook and find that there is a different email other than his and mine being signed in. The one from his old account. I ask him,he says he accidently typed it in. ok I accept this. Then last week I am racing home from work so he can use the car to take the 9year old to school. I am going to have a shower and we were going out for the day. We have great time together and love getting out and about and away. I had promised my son I was going to do something on the computer at work but I had forgot. So I jump on his computer which already has half dozen things opened across the bottom. I ignore them and do what I need to do. Then a messenger screen pops up. Well curiosity kills the cat, so I snoop. I find messages from that morning, the previous night and nearly everyday with the overseas girl. Explicit messages. I am very upset and I don't want to see him. I tell him this time it is over over completely. I tell him I can't handle this over and over again. He uses the car and moves his stuff to a friends (but still heaps left here). While he gone, I got again curious and looked up that email address in facebook and find that he has been chatting to many women, saying how much he misses them and lots of explicit stuff. I am very very upset. When he gets back with the car I tell him to go....but not quite so nice.

Now it's been a week. He came over last night and he ended up staying. It was nice I felt encouraged with the chat. He said he would delete the facbook account and all the email accounts. He did one straight away in front of me. We had a relaxing and sensual bath and he made love to me. I know you are all thinking he did it all so he could get a little bit...and I know this is true. In morning I go to work at 6am, when he gets up he goes onto the facbook (both of them) and responds to some emails from some women I don't think much of. The women who put next to naked pictures as their profile picture. Before I said anything, he says to me, would you like me to move back tomorrow. So then I confront him again, he stops here after work. I didn't get angry, I told him I am just disappointed now, not angry. He leaves. I sent him a text saying I'm sorry, I can't keep doing it. I tell him I am saying goodbye and for him to take care. He says I love you again and then he says "i'm sorry, shouldn't have done that. I was asking myself why as I did it. I have failed you again.

 

OK I know all the stuff that's going on. I know he's a man that really isn't going to change. I know that he has a problem. I know that he has lied so many times.

 

Problem is that I love him very deeply. When I say this, it has a hell of alot of power and strength. I have not been in a serious relationship before, never lived with a man, and once lost to an early death a relative and have avoided letting myself love. But him....I love deeply.

 

I want to believe him when he says he's going to change. I want to trust him when he is online. I told him the only way I can see is if we don't have internet.He can't do that - he says he needs it. We argue about that.

 

Honestly I don't know why I'm posting this up here. It makes me feel a little better sharing.

 

Any comments are welcome and thanks for reading.

 

So basically you were an OW, he left his ex, she stalked you, you guys move in together, now he's cheating on you?:lmao:

 

All jokes aside, he made too many promises so you should probably leave him. Just my opinion.

Edited August 3, 2010 by Bitterman24/7

[2sure]

He lied to you and his previous wife over & over again relentlessly.

"Explaining" to him how and why his actions hurt you...is not necessary or effective because he KNOWS that. He knows it hurts you, thinks what he wants is more important , and so he hides it.

 

OK, you love him deeply. Think about the fact that you love a relentless cheater and liar, someone who is selfish and with no desire to change for you. Now think about loving someone with integrity, honor, and decency. Which do you envision in your future, your son's future?

It cant be him.

[Sophia8]

He lied to you once and promised he'd change.

He lied to you again and promised he'd change.

He lied to you a third time and promised he'd change.

Is he really going to change the 4th time?

 

To re-emphasise what was said before. You have given him more than enough chances, he sees that he can get away with doing something wrong/something that you do not like and probably thinks that this will always be the case.

 

I was in a similar situation, different circumstances but it was similar in the sense that he lied and promised he had change, I forgave him, he lied and promised he had changed, I forgave him and this continued. We went through the same motions, I would say to myself that I would never allow this to happen again and yet I kept letting it happen again. Then one day I thought back to the type of person that I used to be before the relationship, I packed my bags and walked away. It really hurt for a long time and it was difficult but after a while it got better.

 

You survived before without him, you can definitely survive by yourself after him. I hope that you make the best decision for yourself!

[chanbre]

Thanks to you for your replies, I realised today that I am stronger than I thought. I spent a lot of time thinking about everything last night and at 5 this morning I came to peace that I forgive him for the things he has done, but I don't want him. So I sent him a text and said Love is an amazing thing, because I loved you I can forgive you for all the things you have done to me. He sent me a text asking me that I forgive him and that is stupid. I didn't reply. He then sent me a text asking if I can drop him back into town after he finishes work, he said he'll take me and my son out for dinner. I texted what so I then go home and feel like crap after spending a nice night out and then knowing you are home doing what it is you do on your computer. So he said he can catch the train if that suits me better. I say ok. He asks can he pop round and get the dvd's he wanted. I said yeah ok. Well when he was here, I realised my strength. He went to hug me and I stepped back, which surprised him. he said sorry I won't push you. I hurt my arm bad at work today and he asks me to text him and let him know how i go at the doctors. This is when I tell him no. I say I don't want to contact him, I say I don't want him to contact me. I won't be telling you how I go at the doctors. He has tears in his eyes and I felt a little bad but then hey I thought I've had more tears than that. I tell him, I went into your facebook and took my name off your friends list and took my name off in a relationship with. I tell him I went into your hotmail account and deleted my details from there also. He is crying now. I'm thinking it's a little late for the tears. He said I don't want to do this. I say, If you sort all your crap out then you can tell me. We go outside and I tell him that I'm sorry if this hurts you BUT I don't want to be hurt again and I know you are going to, you can't help yourself. So he then says so I'll just wait for you to contact me, I say no. He says you'll wait for me to contact you, I say NO. He says ok I will fix myself, and I do love you. I sit down light up a smoke and wait for him to go. He leaves, and says I need you to let me know how your hand and arm is. I don't say anything, he drives off.

 

I don't know if I've done this right, and whether I'll have the strength to not reply when he rings and asks how my arm is after the doctor tomorrow. I pray I do cause I know that this is the way to go.

[alexandria35]

So he had a crazy exwife but it sounds like he may have driven her there. Even if they were divoriced she may have thought they were still more than just roomies and that's why she went nuts when she found out about you. I mean it seems like this guy hits on every woman in his vicinity so it's likely he had a little somthin somthin going on with her too. If you don't want to get on the same crazy train as his ex then cut this man out of your life for good.

[OFGnomore]

he doesn't treat her how you've been treated. Not sure how your subject relates to what you've written.

 

Lose this guy, you're not married and have no children with him. What on earth do you get from this guy other than pain? He sounds like a parasite, plain and simple.

 

I'm sure you won't leave him until you hit rock bottom though.

 

Good luck.

Edited August 4, 2010 by OFGnomore