Fear Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I am new to this sight. And I am well aware of how things work on here. I see how some reply with helpful tips, and others just bash the person down. Well I am here to tell you that I am a cheater. I wouldn't think it makes me a bad person considering I do for others all the time. I support and love my friends and family, and rarely do the wrong thing. That is except cheat. It started out so simple. I have been with the same guy for seven years now, why he is still with me I will never know. I love him I really do, but something has always seemed to be missing. It doesn't seem like it is the attraction, because he is very attractive. I can't say I am tired of him, because we still have interesting conversations, and enjoy our time together. All I know is that I am not satisfied. I can't seem to explain it in any way. But I am not a normal cheater. When I cheat, I seem to fall for the other person as well. Then I find myself between a rock and a hard place. My boyfriend finds out, he is upset, we cry, I apologize, the other man leaves, then I am hurt twice as much. Then for a while I stay faithful, but with a chip on my shoulder that seems to grow. Some of you say that I am immature. Well maybe I am in a way but so are we all. All I know is that I have opened a can of worms that I cannot shut on my own. I just need some advice on what to do. How can I stop? I don't want to hurt him anymore, but I am selfish and don't want him to go. I really do feel that this is some form of addiction that I am going through, and need support to get out of... But enough with my rant. I understand that I am the bad guy in this situation I always have been. But as my father says "I am not trying to justify cheating, but there is always a reason why you do it." So what is MY reasoning?! Please help me...
truelovedoesnthurt Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 you need to go to counselling, your problem is not something you can solve on a site like this. you need a professional
Author Fear Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 I have already begun to look into that. I was just hoping someone else had maybe been through the same thing and have advice in the situation.
Mimolicious Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 One person can tell you elephants fly and the other can say pigs do. You need to see a therapist. You are seeking to fill a "void" and your way of doing it is by cheating. Some do it by eating, doing drugs, etc. If cheating is so second nature to you, obviously there is a psychological issue here. Baffles me how your BF stays with you, too. If you had done it so repeatly like you mentioned, then there is zippo trust so I wonder if he also has his own issues and that is why he endures such treatment. Maybe you guys are feeding off each other. You, do your cheating yet he is always there. Him, he remains in a dysfuctional R because he is comfortable. Not exactly "love" either more like "fear" of something. You're seeking for approval, affection and attention. Maybe you grew up with a lack of it at home. Who knows, only a therapist can help you bring your real issues to light.
Bryanp Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I agree with everyone else that you need therapy. What you are doing to your boyfriend is extremely cruel. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and he continued to humiliate and disrespect you the way you have been doing to him. If you truly love him then you should end the relationship and allow him to find someone else who is loving and committed to a relationship and not putting his health at risk for STD's. It is time to think of his well being as well. Good luck.
McGrupp Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 how many times have you cheated? have you told him everytime? multiple people? if it was just one guy, i could see him staying a lot of things to consider here. are you afraid to be alone? do you have issues with abandonment?
reservoirdog1 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I'm going operate on the assumption that what you describe is a recurring pattern. That's the way it sounds from what you wrote. You cheat, your BF finds out, you both cry, you apologize, the OM is gone. But you do it again, repeatedly. Firstly, I think you should break up with your BF. There's pretty clearly something going on with you that leads you to cheat repeatedly. You should work thoroughly on yourself before being involved with somebody again. I'm curious about one thing, though. Each time it happens, what do you tell yourself to "give yourself permission" to do it again? I mean, you've already lived through the pain associated with your actions, several times, but you keep going through it. And, what do you feel you get out of the cheating that makes it an appealing option? Is it just a physical thing? Excitement? Because presumably, the thing you get out of it is what you feel is lacking in your relationship.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 But as my father says "I am not trying to justify cheating, but there is always a reason why you do it." So what is MY reasoning?! Please help me... you are fickle....plain and simple. thats the reason. you shouldn't be in a committed relationship and should deal with the pain of letting go of a good man so he can find someone equally as good. then you can go off and mess around with whomever you want, whenever, and not have to worry about f#####g over a good man at home.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 So you're implying you're a serial cheater? If that's the case, I would think there might be some underlying emotional needs that are prompting you to cheat. Either way, I do think you're doing a disservice to your boyfriend simply by staying with him and dragging him because of your mistakes.
meerkat stew Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Whatever with all the counseling and emotional needs talk. OP, you are simply a weak and selfish person, you have all the power to change if you want, simply stop. Life doesn't -happen- to you as a series of irresistible forces brought about by events that have shaped your life. Events do shape us, but even the slightest bit of character allows us to resist bad behavior that we know is bad. People are faced with choices in right and wrong behavior every day, yet seem to be able to do the right thing despite the appeal of the wrong. You are no better, worse, nor more or less impaired than any other human being. You already know what quality of person you are now and changing that is well within your grasp. It's up to you and no one else.
Mimolicious Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Whatever with all the counseling and emotional needs talk. OP, you are simply a weak and selfish person, you have all the power to change if you want, simply stop. Life doesn't -happen- to you as a series of irresistible forces brought about by events that have shaped your life. Events do shape us, but even the slightest bit of character allows us to resist bad behavior that we know is bad. People are faced with choices in right and wrong behavior every day, yet seem to be able to do the right thing despite the appeal of the wrong. You are no better, worse, nor more or less impaired than any other human being. You already know what quality of person you are now and changing that is well within your grasp. It's up to you and no one else. Say this to millions of people who receive counseling. If you soooo know the answer to emotional issues that affect a person's judgement and character, you would be very wealthy by now. I assume... The OP behaves in a pattern and even when she hurts and understands that she has done wrong, something is not clicking. It is for her to find that "something" but unless she is her own guru, she will need some sort of professional help. She is out of tune...
Author Fear Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 I appreciate all of the good advice. But it seems my little cover up wasn't good enough. Some of you will be happy to know that he found my post, figured out it was me, and now here we sit in silence. Once again with the tears. I am not sure if we will make it through this one. Just to answer some of the questions and confusion... It has been multiple times, he has found out every single time. And what I get out of this is something I cant understand. Maybe its the "new" feeling. Maybe it is the risk. But There isn't really any discernible thing that sparks my interest. Most of the time it starts innocently enough. We meet, become friends... and then it goes too far. And as for knowing what is right and what is wrong... I know what wrong is. I just can't seem to stop it from happening. I will be seeking counseling, and because of my boyfriends recent find... I will no longer be posting. Thank you so much for your time and advice.
sugarmomma Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Hopefully he will get some help as well to work on his self worth issues. Wow.
reservoirdog1 Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Hopefully he will get some help as well to work on his self worth issues. Wow. He's either got huge self-worth issues, or a cuckold fetish. If the latter, well, that's his thing. But it certainly sounds like that's not the case, since every time he finds out you've cheated on him again, you both wind up in tears. He stays with you because he doesn't think highly enough of himself to believe that he deserves better than what you're giving him. I think you should break up with him... he doesn't deserve to be constantly on the receiving end of your issues. You both need professional help.
GordonDarkfoot Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 But as my father says "I am not trying to justify cheating, but there is always a reason why you do it." So what is MY reasoning?! Please help me... I think the key to this mystery lies somewhere in your relationship with your father. It's pretty unusual for a woman to confide this kind of stuff to her dad rather than to another female such as a mom, sister, aunt, cousin, or friend. Also, sounds like your dad was trying to help you rationalize the cheating, while saying he wasn't. Did your dad ever cheat on your mom, or did your mom ever cheat on your dad? What's your family history? What kind of relationship do you have with your mom? I suspect you have some pretty serious FOO ("family of origin issues") and like others have said will need some therapy to deal with your issues.
New_Life08 Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 The OP is right ...it is wiser to take such a complex problem to a professional who can sort out with you. As for my two cents ...my guess is your reasoning for the cheating is rooted in co-dependency; your man is the enabler. The thing that is "missing" in the relationship is the set of tea bags God gave him . He should have taken a stand against this long ago. If he put his foot down it may have broken the cycle. There is something to be said about a person being too passive of bad behavior. Strangely enough it can actually make you feel as unloved and undesired as the doormats who put up with it. You are right about something...it is an addiction. Sex and other emotional addictions are not unlike drug addictions. Often people who give up one addiction will fall prey to another...anything that gives some sort of a fix. Some people tend to be emotional vampires; never satisfied...always looking for fulfillment. From what I have studied, these traits are often caused from our environment. It seems that somewhere down the line you filled a void this way (the fix) only it didn't last, and you needed to seek out another...and another. Do you think you bury hurts in the marriage to the point of being numb because it is just too pain-staking to lay it all on the table? Do you feel the affairs are getting him back when he hurts or upsets you? Do you tend to sabotage harmony for attention you crave? I'm asking because some people do not consider sex to be the icing on the cake...it is the cake. It is the only way they know how to express love (their idea of love). This happens a lot to women whose relationship with their father was strained in some way. They have an insatiable need for acceptance from men and will upset anyone's applecart to get it. I think the cheating gets out of hand because you still have these unresolved issues that prevent you from knowing what love is....you two are merely roommates. The thing is...this is your own pattern in dealing with your emotions. It is and will always be a cycle until you get individual counseling and then marriage counseling for both of you. I know my two cents really isn't your answer, but if I can offer anything that may bring at least a sliver of help to you my time is not wasted. All my best...
make me believe Posted August 6, 2010 Posted August 6, 2010 Whatever with all the counseling and emotional needs talk. OP, you are simply a weak and selfish person, you have all the power to change if you want, simply stop. Life doesn't -happen- to you as a series of irresistible forces brought about by events that have shaped your life. Events do shape us, but even the slightest bit of character allows us to resist bad behavior that we know is bad. People are faced with choices in right and wrong behavior every day, yet seem to be able to do the right thing despite the appeal of the wrong. You are no better, worse, nor more or less impaired than any other human being. You already know what quality of person you are now and changing that is well within your grasp. It's up to you and no one else. I agree with this completely! I think the "oh, you should go to counseling. Maybe you're depressed. This is deep-rooted and you need to get your poor little emotions analyzed. How's your relationship with your father?" to be a bunch of coddling bs. The bottom line is the OP is selfish and making selfish choices. OF COURSE it makes her feel better to tell herself that she "can't" stop and she "doesn't know" why she does it. She does it because she's seeking a thrill, and she likes the excitement of the secrecy and the risk. I'd say she also likes the power it gives her over her bf. I think it gives her a thrill to know that she can go out, f*ck other guys, and all the while she knows that her BF will take her back in the end. If he were to actually put his foot down and not accept her ridiculous, cruel behavior, I think she'd find it in herself to stop what she thinks she "can't" stop doing right now.
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