September Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Why after ending our relationship 7 months ago to R, do MM go NC verbally but do other things to let the OW know they are still around? In my situation if his BS knew of the strange things he is still doing (that I have no control over), she would certainly think he was not in NC...mind games much???
Spark1111 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I think it is easy to fall back on the memories of how great it all was in the affair. Many leave the affair to reconcile or go on with their lives, but NEED to believe the AP still pines away for them. So whenever they need an ego boost, they may "accidentally" cause an interaction, a sighting, or whatever your MM is doing with you. Either way, it is selfish and self-serving IMHO.
Author September Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 He is doing the same thing, a couple of times per week, every week and has done for the last few months. Apart from that, I recently caught him out keeping our secret email account open after he promised he would close it. He would have crapped himself when I proved it to him! For some reason, I think he is petrified I am going to contact his W to let her know. I have no intention of that at all....
jennie-jennie Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 He is doing the same thing, a couple of times per week, every week and has done for the last few months. Apart from that, I recently caught him out keeping our secret email account open after he promised he would close it. He would have crapped himself when I proved it to him! For some reason, I think he is petrified I am going to contact his W to let her know. I have no intention of that at all.... It sounds to me like he is not over you, yet something is keeping him in the marriage. His thoughts are apparently still with you, thus he does not manage to be totally NC with you. Pretty revealing in my opinion.
BB07 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 It sounds to me like he is not over you, yet something is keeping him in the marriage. His thoughts are apparently still with you, thus he does not manage to be totally NC with you. Pretty revealing in my opinion. Even if that is true......what is most likely the end result if they resume the affair? Just him having feelings for her doesn't mean anything can/would change. If she gets involved again, more than likely it will just bring more pain.
Mimolicious Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 He is doing the same thing, a couple of times per week, every week and has done for the last few months. Apart from that, I recently caught him out keeping our secret email account open after he promised he would close it. He would have crapped himself when I proved it to him! For some reason, I think he is petrified I am going to contact his W to let her know. I have no intention of that at all.... How do you know this, again? You have access to the inbox? If so, why haven't you closed it?
Hazyhead Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Even if that is true......what is most likely the end result if they resume the affair? Just him having feelings for her doesn't mean anything can/would change. If she gets involved again, more than likely it will just bring more pain. Absolutely right. I have the same issue... but then to know this in the first place I would have to be checking the inbox too, right? Let it go and get on with things the best you can ignoring him as much as possible. He would LOVE for you to react. (I'm getting less frequent though... woohoo. Sorry for the mini T/J)
Angel1111 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Even if that is true......what is most likely the end result if they resume the affair? Just him having feelings for her doesn't mean anything can/would change. If she gets involved again, more than likely it will just bring more pain. Exactly. For most affairs, incredibly strong feelings exist for both parties. Very few people are serial cheaters. Yes, they exist, but the majority of affairs start because of strong feelings for another person. We women make the mistake of thinking that if a man would cheat on his wife and he has strong feelings for the OW, then he must plan to divorce. This is where we underestimate men very badly.
In_Repair Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 He is doing the same thing, a couple of times per week, every week and has done for the last few months. Apart from that, I recently caught him out keeping our secret email account open after he promised he would close it. He would have crapped himself when I proved it to him! For some reason, I think he is petrified I am going to contact his W to let her know. I have no intention of that at all.... He dumped you, so that he could go reconcile with the wife, right? So why don't you go ahead and end this, instead of allowing it to continue? If he is really scared that you will tell the wife and you really want him to leave you alone... it should only take ONE email. Tell him that the next time he contacts you in any way, you are telling his wife.
Author September Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 xMM used to work in the same small office but had to move out due to R with his W. He went NC but kept doing strange things to let me know that he was around. He still comes in here early in the morning before I get to work and turns all the lights on and puts faxes on my desk. He knows which days our part-timer is working (she starts very early) and comes in on the days she isn't here. He has no reason at all to come in here, he has a secretary that can come and collect any odd bits of mail. He still has a key to the office and can still come and go if he chooses as he is still paying for half of the rent and I can't tell him he isn't allowed in here. As for the email, I was having a really hard time when we broke up, I would still send him an email on occasion (to the secret one, he set up). I once asked him if he was still reading what I sent him and he left me a note on my desk confirming he was even though he was supposed to not make any contact with me. After a while, I got sick of the emotional torment so I lay down a few rules. I asked him to close the secret email account so I couldn't be tempted to send him anything. I asked him to stop driving near my home on his way to and from work (I caught him several times and he lives nowhere near my place), I asked him for our joint bank account statements as they were in my name but went to his Postal Box and the list goes on. He obliged with all I asked him. After that, I didn't make any contact with him for nearly 2 months. One day recently, I had an overwhelming feeling that he had re-activated the account. I do not know his password and didn't hack into his email. I was able to obtain a secret read receipt that you can place on an email and it lets you know when the recipient reads it. Over the next week, I forwarded a couple of humourous emails. He would open them straight away. I decided that I would then let him know that I knew, he had activated the account again and sent him the read-receipts as proof. Thankfully, he stopped after that and I have since left it alone. Why go home to reconcile but continue to play mind games with everyone? If his W knew that he was doing those things, she would be furious.
bentnotbroken Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Why are you still playing the mind games you are playing? 1
Author September Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 Why are you still playing the mind games you are playing? You mean with myself? If that's what you mean, I honestly don't know, part and parcel of a relationship ending unfortunately.
2sunny Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 You mean with myself? If that's what you mean, I honestly don't know, part and parcel of a relationship ending unfortunately. that's simple. take that present tense of ending - and make sure it's past tense = ended. YOU have control over this part. you can take your power back by making sure it's ended.
Angel1111 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 xMM used to work in the same small office but had to move out due to R with his W. He went NC but kept doing strange things to let me know that he was around. He still comes in here early in the morning before I get to work and turns all the lights on and puts faxes on my desk. He knows which days our part-timer is working (she starts very early) and comes in on the days she isn't here. He has no reason at all to come in here, he has a secretary that can come and collect any odd bits of mail. He still has a key to the office and can still come and go if he chooses as he is still paying for half of the rent and I can't tell him he isn't allowed in here. A joint checking account? Hmmm...very odd. What was the purpose in that? Was it a decision based on the two of you being together someday? You know, September, I used to think that all the stuff xMM did to show he still thinks about me, even months later - I used to think it meant something. I used to think that someday he would come to his senses and leave his wife, or that he would decide that he just didn't want to live without me. I found his undaunting attention to be very, very flattering and it was my downfall because over and over again, he was able to drag me back into the relationship. He has said over and over again that he wants to remain friends but that has backfired on me many times. Because he's the owner of the company I work for, making an enemy of him would be a dumb move (just like sleeping with him was a dumb move), but I've decided that I will keep him at arm's length because I really don't believe in him anymore. I don't believe in his words or actions. It's very sad that I got to that point because I trusted him and believed in him more than anyone I ever had before. But time has proved to me that I can no longer trust his motives. You haven't said it but I hope that you don't let yourself get overly flattered by all the little, sweet, thoughtful things that your xMM is doing. It's a very subtle game that works very well. Even if he continues to do those things, you have control over how you react to them. See him as any other married man on the street - someone you wouldn't even consider looking at twice. That's who he needs to become to you.
Spark1111 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 His motives could be as simple as believing you are secretly still pining away for him, and his ego just loves it! So, he enters your office to spur this fantasy because it makes his life infinitely more interesting. Don't react. Don't even notice. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Because if you start to read more into it, more than his own ego gratification, you will drive yourself crazy.
Author September Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 A joint checking account? Hmmm...very odd. What was the purpose in that? Was it a decision based on the two of you being together someday? Yes, we decided to open a joint bank account and put some money aside. We used to call it the running away fund. There was a lot of promises made by him. He even had me look for investment property's for him to buy for "our future". Boy, did I hear so much talk of "our future"! The old saying, promised the world and given an atlas....
Author September Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 You haven't said it but I hope that you don't let yourself get overly flattered by all the little, sweet, thoughtful things that your xMM is doing. It's a very subtle game that works very well. Even if he continues to do those things, you have control over how you react to them. See him as any other married man on the street - someone you wouldn't even consider looking at twice. That's who he needs to become to you. No, I don't get flattered by it. More than anything, I think his behaviour is odd. From what I have been told he has refused any counselling. I don't physically see him at all and haven't for months.
2sunny Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 it feeds his ego if he can get you to engage with him. that is why NC helps - it gives no ego feed. when you feed something it grows... logically, stop feeding it.
Angel1111 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 Yes, we decided to open a joint bank account and put some money aside. We used to call it the running away fund. There was a lot of promises made by him. He even had me look for investment property's for him to buy for "our future". Boy, did I hear so much talk of "our future"! The old saying, promised the world and given an atlas.... Wow. How shattered you must've felt. I'm so sorry this happened.
breaking_bad Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 A joint checking account? Hmmm...very odd. What was the purpose in that? Was it a decision based on the two of you being together someday? You know, September, I used to think that all the stuff xMM did to show he still thinks about me, even months later - I used to think it meant something. I used to think that someday he would come to his senses and leave his wife, or that he would decide that he just didn't want to live without me. I found his undaunting attention to be very, very flattering and it was my downfall because over and over again, he was able to drag me back into the relationship. He has said over and over again that he wants to remain friends but that has backfired on me many times. Because he's the owner of the company I work for, making an enemy of him would be a dumb move (just like sleeping with him was a dumb move), but I've decided that I will keep him at arm's length because I really don't believe in him anymore. I don't believe in his words or actions. It's very sad that I got to that point because I trusted him and believed in him more than anyone I ever had before. But time has proved to me that I can no longer trust his motives. You haven't said it but I hope that you don't let yourself get overly flattered by all the little, sweet, thoughtful things that your xMM is doing. It's a very subtle game that works very well. Even if he continues to do those things, you have control over how you react to them. See him as any other married man on the street - someone you wouldn't even consider looking at twice. That's who he needs to become to you. This is a great post that really hits it on the head. These little "micro-contacts" serve both parties and that's why they suck. For him, he wants to stay close to you, to be some small, invisible part of your life and also prob wants to keep tabs on you. Just allows him to have a "piece" of you. And it is a little game, because men are built to want to win. And for you, it feels good in multiple ways that he still cares. And it's dangerous b/c you miss the good feelings and you miss him. And there is a possibility that you will eventually in your head misinterpret his actions. Because women are built to want to care. So the little "NC microcontact" games puts you back in that same loop if you let them. Which is why I totally agree that the more practical you can think, the better. And arms length thoughts towards him are best until you see it for what it is and see him for who he is. A guy who cares about you, but can't give you (and will never give you) anything remotely close to something acceptable. Once you start seeing that for what it is, it is easier. For me, I am just emerging to the place where I can think logically, and have a non-drama, non-devastated, very practical view about my situation. And every time I get in the least bit caught on the NC microcontact action (I work with my xMM too, yeah, I know, oops) I put a picture in my head of him on vacation with his wife. And that makes me see the NC microcontact for what it is so I can continue my logical, non-drama view of what this whole thing is, which is: OVER....
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