Getting back together, but not able to get over hurt

[Fluffsticle]

Hi

 

Has anyone been with someone and broken up with them, and given it another go... and come across a lot of anger over things that happened during the break up?

 

How did you get over this?

I'd love to hear your stories, how it ended, how you got through it, or how it ended badly?

 

I was engaged, with him for 7 years. We were so unbelievable in love, so infatuated.... relationship ended because we lost who we were as individuals, we missed our friends and family and in a way our lives were empty.

 

Now we are back in touch. I have learned that he slept with someone 4 weeks after we broke up in our old bed, then 2 months after we were broke up he hooked up with one of the house mates, and continued the relationship with someone else in our old house and in our old bed.

 

I dont' see a way past this. I am so angry, and I deal with things so differently. I don't understant him when he says he always loved me. How could he possibly do that to someone he loved? How?

 

How do I deal with this anger?

 

I love him, and love being with him, but at times it all comes up and I don't know if I have respect for him, I don't know who he is. The Person that would do that I don't love, and the Person who would do that is not the same as the Person I once loved.

 

Maybe he is gone forevere....

 

Anyone with anything worth telling me, simplar situations that you've gone through. I've never been through anything like this, and I don't know what to do.

 

I've asked him for space, because I don't want to row with him...

 

Thanks..

[Don Ho]

I dont' see a way past this. I am so angry, and I deal with things so differently. I don't understant him when he says he always loved me. How could he possibly do that to someone he loved? How? ....The Person that would do that I don't love, and the Person who would do that is not the same as the Person I once loved.

Thanks..

 

Hi Fluff. I think it's best to NOT focus on what he did and who he was with. It will drive you crazy ..... oh! it already has! People see other people when they break up. You were not together. It's a little bit like being jealous or insecure about who he slept with before you even met. It doesn't matter. I'm sure he has always loved you. For a guy, we can sleep with someone just for physical reasons. It DOES NOT mean he loves you less, that's just your ego talking.

 

It's like the married couple that were married for 20 years and one of them dies. Does it mean the survivor loved their spouse less because they fell in love with someone 3 months later? 6 months later? What is the "correct" timing? People on the "outside" have this idea that the survivor should wait a year or two years before getting involved with someone, that it is disrespectful or means they loved their partner LESS ... it doesn't. Just because he was with other women does not mean he loved you less. People are human. They move on. But he is actually back.

 

So, let me ask you: would you really rather be without him or be with him and enjoying it? You're making a choice to be miserable and dwell on the past. You seem to take it too personally and it bruised your ego (which I totally understand, because that never feels good).

 

I think you need to get over it and look to today with him and rejoice that you're back together or if you can't, than just move on. It's not like he cheated on you or married your best friend. My suggestion? GET OVER IT and be HAPPY that you have an opportunity to renew your love and stop dwelling on the past. In other words, a new door has opened and you need to close the old door and realized you have a new opportunity with him.

 

BTW, it sounds like you two were over-involved with each other and probably smothered each other. If you work it out, I think you need to both focus on having outside friends and activities so it does not become mundane again. Good luck!

[Fluffsticle]

Hi Don Ho...

 

I see what you're saying.

 

And I wish I could just move past it, it's not that easy.

I don't feel insecure about s3x. I have no need to worry there, and I have had s3x with another. It's what kind a Person would consciously do this, act in such a selfish way, and not consider the feelings of their Partner of 7 years.

 

But what kind of a Person sleeps with someone so soon after coming out of a relationship of that strength?

 

It makes me question who he is, who he ever was. Maybe I don't fit into his life. Maybe I am the one that's wrong? Maybe I am too good for him. Maybe someone of a similar coldness and more shallow is the one for him.

 

I am completely different in how I would do anything that might affect others around me, and I think I am a million times better than that.

 

My problem is I don't understand what kind of a Person could disrespect me so much? I really was never that bad at all. I was the most supportive. I loved him so much more than I even loved myself. I would have never wronged him, no matter what ever happened to us.

 

He says he would do anything for me, and he would always have done anything for me. He says he has always loved me! I asked him to leave our old house and find a new one. I told him I didn't like the thought of another Girl in our old bed. He said he didn't want another Girl, and if he did find one then he would move out. He didn't move, and now I have this!

Really, he wouldn't have done anything for me, he didn't do what I asked him to do. That's how I see it.

 

In terms of being with him and being happy, or being without him.

I want the best that I deserve, and I want to be happy in life.

 

I don't know if either involve him to be honest.

I want them to involve him, but I don't have the same respect for him. I don't believe that he loves me, or maybe that he ever loved me. I feel that I would be letting myself down, by being with someone so shallow, someone who could do that to someone else. I don't want to let myself down.

 

I broke up with a boyfriend 6 months ago. I wouldn't give any Guy the time of day for at least 4 months. I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I had, if he found out. I considered his feelings. I gave him the respect that he deserved, even though there was no love involved for me.

 

That's how I am, and that's how I deserve to be treated.

 

What annoys me more is if I knew he slept with a Girl, who he barely knew, so quickly when the bed had barely gone cold, and that he could do that with a Girl he felt little or nothing for.

 

Then I would not be in this situation. We would never have spoken again.

I feel that he is a different Person now, to the Person I loved dearly, or maybe this is how he always was. Maybe I encouraged him to be the best he could be. but really he is cold and thoughtless. Someone I do not want to spend my life with!

 

Sorry for ranting... I am so frusterated, to think this could happen to the "Perfect couple"! My ar5e!!!!!

Worst couple in the world it looks like!

[Don Ho]

Did you not READ what I said? Maybe you should re-read it 10 more times. Let's see.... what kind of a person would DO THAT? What sleep with someone else? A human. And you admitted you slept with someone too. So that makes him more guilty than you?? How could he do that to you?? He wasn't "doing it to you" .... you guys were broken up. Just because he had SEX with someone else after being with you, that's f'in life! Get off your high horse. Who said you were the perfect little Princess that is above everyone?

 

Here's your choice and it's just like if you were married and he cheated (which he didn't you guys were broken up): Ask yourself HONESTLY: Can I get over this or not? If you are too immature to be grateful for a new opportunity with him and your cannot FORGET, then do both of yourselves a favor and MOVE ON!! If you answer that you can get over it, than that's IT. You go forward, you stop whining, you never bring it up again, you DO NOT hold it over his head for 10 years and you do not be a biatch.

 

YOUR CALL..... can you really get over it or not??

[Fluffsticle]

Hi Don Ho...

 

Sorry for seeming like I am a perfect little Princess. I'd like to think I am kind and considerate, and would never try to hurt anyone in any way.

As I said I was so considerate towards my most recent ex boyfriend of 1 year after we broke up, and didn't go on a date for 4/4.5 months. He deserved that at least.

 

I am just so hurt over this. I am dwelling on it, and can't get it out of my head. I want to try, but it just makes me sick. The thought of it.

Although I only know about this for 2 days, perhaps it will fade over time.

 

The last thing I want is for him to apologise and feel guilty when I know that he has done nothing wrong. I have said this to him, and he openly admits that he was awful to me, and he never stopped to think. He looks so sad when it comes up in conversation. I don't want him to live a life where he feels he has to make it up to me forever.

I want us both to be happy and in love, and to not let it affect whant kind of a Person he is in my eyes.

 

If anyone ever had an affair on me, that would be a deal breaker regardless of how I loved the Person or not. I just know what I'm worth, and I know what I'm willing to give to another Person, and all I expect is that in return.

 

Although we were broken up, from time to time, he would contact me and say how he thought time apart will be the best thing and that he could feel we will be together some day when we get to regain our own lives, friends, family and things we were missing. But now I learn that he was sleeping with another Girl during or before telling me this.

 

The Person I knew and loved, never wanted another woman. Never would have heard a bad word about me. Never would have hurt me.

Then he seemed to change into a completely different Person. Excuse my ignorance, I just don't get it. When I had done nothing wrong.

 

The last thing I want is a miserable life. And if I can't let this go then this is what's in store for both of us.

 

Maybe this is just anger? Maybe I need to let it out. But I am worried that things will be said that can never be taken back.

 

He says he doesn't care that I had had a boyfriend and slept with another Guy. He says all that matters is being with me.

 

I should add that after getting rid of this girl after a few weeks. He rented some rooms out in our old house, and 2 house mates moved in. He ended up in a relationship for 1.5 years with one of the housemates. In our old house/our old bed/replacing our whole relationship. I asked him when we broke up to leave the house, because I didn't want to think of someone in our old bed, and he said he didn't want to because he wanted to choose house mates etc. I understood, and he assured me that if he met another Girl which he really didn't want to do that he would move out of the house, so not to hurt me. So now there was 2 in our old bed/room! :-(

 

Then a few months into the relationship, he went traveling and met up with his girlfriend who was traveling also. He spent Christmas in Sydney with her. We had 3 years previous to that gotten engaged in Sydney at Christmas. I feel like he has destroyed some of our great memories. I would never want to do that.

 

Why...?

 

I knew all along about these things about his girlfriend, and Sydney, but now learning that he also slept with another Girl so soon, has just been the icing on the cake... makes me wonder what kind os Monster he could be? :-( Maybe monster is a harsh word. But how could he be so in love with me, and then act like this. I don't know :-(

I'm finding it hard to believe that he loves me, and always has loved me, and maybe struggling with the thought that he ever really really loved me.

 

This might explain why I seem that I'm over reacting.

 

Thanks for your patience :-)

Edited August 4, 2010 by Fluffsticle

[EthanH]

sorry this reply might seem discourteous due to it's briefness but I really think you should see things in a more simple, less intense and frankly less emotional way.

 

Have you ever thought that the reason he got with someone so soon after you was that he couldn't cope with not being with you and because he couldn't be with you, he tried to do anything to heal the pain?

 

<<have you ever stopped to think that him going with someone so soon after you was actually a compliment to how much he liked you?>>

[Fluffsticle]

Hi,

 

You are so right when you say I need to look at things more simply.

 

The problem I've been having is that I only found out he slept with this first Girl 3 days ago. It was such a shock, and when I asked I expected the answer to be no.

 

I realise in telling me the truth, he has risked everything. I realise that he has done NOTHING wrong. The only thing that hurts me is his inconsideration to my feelings.

 

I am beginning to realise that in time my anger will fade, and I will be able to focus on him again...

 

Thanks..

[ShouldIDivorce]

I have to agree with EthanH on this one. I think him sleeping with someone else was most likely a sign of the pain and hurt he was feeling. Many people when they lose the person they love will try to fill that void with something or someone else very quickly. It's a distraction from those horrible feelings.

 

Ultimately you do need to decide if you can live with it and accept that it's not fair to hold him to respecting your feelings when he was not even with you.

[TaraMaiden]

 

 

I realise in telling me the truth, he has risked everything. I realise that he has done NOTHING wrong. The only thing that hurts me is his inconsideration to my feelings.

 

This statement is self-contradictory.

 

he was brutally, openly and completely honest with you, and in being so, he knew he was taking a risk.

if he has done nothing wrong, then you are stating that you accept he has no fault or deliberate intent. he just did something because humans do things like this.

Humans are not naturally, instinctively monogamous creatures.

He followed desire and instinct, because he could, and had no reason not to.

 

The 'hurt to the inconsideration to your feelings' is therefore home-grown, home-developed and for you to deal with. This is not for him to be responsible for. If you hurt - then you must look to your own appraisal objectivity and perception.

 

I am beginning to realise that in time my anger will fade, and I will be able to focus on him again...

 

Again, you need to forget about giving it time.

Your decision is purely one of:

"Can I live with this and face it, or is it going to be on my mind and not leave?"

 

It's baggage.

Are you going to keep carrying it, or can you put it down?

 

The choice is that simple, and really, all you need to consider.

Because either carrying it, or putting it down - is down to you.

[Fluffsticle]

Regardless of whether we were together or not. We were still very much emotionally attached.

 

He knew that if I had of found that out at the time that it would have destroyed me.

 

We shared 7 years of our lives together in blissful love. Of course he had an unwritten obligation to respect my feelings.

 

I would always give People the respect that they deserve, even in fact if I do not care very much about them at all.

 

I don't want to hold it against him. He has done nothing wrong. I would just need to be sure that he wouldn't disregard me like that again...

 

Thanks... I am very stubborn, and this is my problem.

But I'm slowly being able to see it from his side. Although the hurt is no less.

[RedDevil66]

I broke up with my BF back in 2008 and within days he was contacting other women and in 4 weeks, was sleeping with other women.

 

I was so crushed by the break up, I could not even think about other men, so I was shocked he could so easily go out and get laid.

 

When we got back together, he was honest about what he did (I'm sure there were others, but he only admitted to one) and I was horrified, hurt and wasn't sure I could take him back.

 

But then I thought about it and really, when someone is dumped (I left him) their egos are bruised and they go out and try to fill the void. Fill the pain. And let's face it, men are really sexual beings.

To them, it's just sex.

I did feel betrayed by him, even though I left him.

 

You need to let it go, It killed me for months after, but it was nothing but sex to him.

[EthanH]

I resent your comment about somehow men being 'sexual beings'... when you get out of a relationship, the most common reaction is to look to heal by being with someone else. In a way, the more you like someone, the more you are likely to do it. And that goes for men AND women. I have got out of relationships and stupidly gone on the rebound, knowing full well that it didn't make any sense, that I would regret it, that it would make me feel worse, and in a way, that is the point, when you lose someone you care about more than anything, you do things which make no sense, as in your head, the logical thing to do would be to sit and miss them, to be upset etc, but you rebel against that.

 

I still stick by my original comment, Fluffsticle, the fact he did it so soon after you broke up has nothing to do with respect, it has everything to do with the fact he was hurting and trying to get over you. If you keep that in mind, it will be easier for you to deal with. ALSO, I totally agree with Tara, my ex, the one I care about more than anyone I have ever met, the one I'm so cut up about atm, told me that she slept with someone when we were broken up, she tried to explain it, said she felt terrible, guilty despite the fact it was her who broke up with me, felt like she was somehow still cheating on me, was hideously drunk, told me she went onto auto-pilot as she felt so rubbish about herself... none of that matters to me, sure I was gutted, the thought of her being with someone else sits up there as one of my most disliked thoughts... but ultimately, when she told me, she was in tears, I was upset about it, but you just have to pull yourself together...

 

ask yourself what you want. If it is to be with him, accept what is in the past. Don't make him feel bad about it, as he did nothing wrong. Tara is right, you have a really simple decision to make, either you want to be with him or not... if you do, then understand that your issues over who he slept with when you were apart is going to make it less likely that you are able to achieve what you ultimately want to achieve ie to be with him in the future and to make things work.

[bboy]

sorry this reply might seem discourteous due to it's briefness but I really think you should see things in a more simple, less intense and frankly less emotional way.

 

Have you ever thought that the reason he got with someone so soon after you was that he couldn't cope with not being with you and because he couldn't be with you, he tried to do anything to heal the pain?

 

<<have you ever stopped to think that him going with someone so soon after you was actually a compliment to how much he liked you?>>

 

+10000000 The relationships ended with no feelings left = doing hobbies, enjoy friends etc etc... A lot of feelings left = filling the void ASAP then get an emotional hungover. If he wants to get together, then it takes a lot of b@lls for a guy to be so truthful and say what he did. It actually tells you that you can trust this person in the future.

[Beeotch]

Hi

 

Has anyone been with someone and broken up with them, and given it another go... and come across a lot of anger over things that happened during the break up?

 

How did you get over this?

I'd love to hear your stories, how it ended, how you got through it, or how it ended badly?

 

I was engaged, with him for 7 years. We were so unbelievable in love, so infatuated.... relationship ended because we lost who we were as individuals, we missed our friends and family and in a way our lives were empty.

 

Now we are back in touch. I have learned that he slept with someone 4 weeks after we broke up in our old bed, then 2 months after we were broke up he hooked up with one of the house mates, and continued the relationship with someone else in our old house and in our old bed.

 

I dont' see a way past this. I am so angry, and I deal with things so differently. I don't understant him when he says he always loved me. How could he possibly do that to someone he loved? How?

 

How do I deal with this anger?

 

I love him, and love being with him, but at times it all comes up and I don't know if I have respect for him, I don't know who he is. The Person that would do that I don't love, and the Person who would do that is not the same as the Person I once loved.

 

Maybe he is gone forevere....

 

Anyone with anything worth telling me, simplar situations that you've gone through. I've never been through anything like this, and I don't know what to do.

 

I've asked him for space, because I don't want to row with him...

 

Thanks..

 

Trust your feelings hon...as I posted in another thread, one of the truest things ever and my favorite nugget of wisdom, and how I live my life is:

 

Sometimes you walk into things, that, if you were paying attention, vibrationally, you would know right from the beginning that it wasn't what you are wanting. In most cases, your initial knee-jerk response was a pretty good indicator of how it was going to turn out later. The things that give most of you the most grief are those things that initially you had a feeling response about, but then you talked yourself out of it for one reason or another.

--- Abraham

 

 

I do not believe a relationship can work out if one is still angry and distrustful. It can't. You DO NOT have to feel like you need to pretend to trust him. Maybe the reason you don't is because you really shouldn't and you shouldn't be with him....

 

I was in a similar situation, my ex kept coming back making promises, I gave him "chances" although I KNEW and FELT something was awry...each time he ran off. I too told him that I felt like I miss what we HAD but not who he is now and I have also grown and want soo much more. I told myself that the ONLY way I would try again with him was if I miraculously felt a complete difference and felt with every fiber of my being that it was right....

 

I have not felt that so I am gonna stick with my doubts as they ALWAYS warn me.

[luxx]

I don't get it.

 

You guys broke up, were broken up for a month and after a month he decided to get physical with someone else and you can't forgive him for it?

 

Maybe he was ready to have sex with someone else and since you had broken up he found someone else.

 

I could see your hurt if he had cheated on you while still being together or even had sex a week or two after but four weeks? A month? Obviously it was just sex, if it hadn't been he'd still be talking to this girl. What kind of person would do this you ask? A human. I think someone else answered you before.

 

I think you're going to loose this one forever if you hold it over his head. He really didn't even need to tell you he slept with anyone, it's none of your business who he was with while you were broken up. The only business it would be of yours is to ask him to get a std test just in case since he has slept with others.

 

I would just need to be sure that he wouldn't disregard me like that again...

 

Disregard you if you break up again and he waits a month to go sleep with another person? Yeah I don't get it. He hasn't disrespected you. He hasn't thrown it in your face (as far as we know). He just kind of did something that people who are single may or may not do.

 

Don't take offense to this... I'm planning to go this route my own self to help me deal with some of the issues I'm having with my own situation, but maybe you should talk to a relationship coach or shrink to help you through some of this and help you figure out why you feel so betrayed even though you had split and how you can get over this hurdle so you won't muck up your future with him.

[TaraMaiden]

Regardless of whether we were together or not. We were still very much emotionally attached.

That doesn't mean you own each other, or owe each other anything.

Loving someone, or being 'emotionally attached' to them, doesn't give you any rights over deciding what is right and wrong in their actions, if you broke up.

 

He knew that if I had of found that out at the time that it would have destroyed me.

This is your emotion speaking, but he has no obligation to put you first when he's doing what he wants - given that you had broken up....!

 

We shared 7 years of our lives together in blissful love. Of course he had an unwritten obligation to respect my feelings.

 

NO -

HE -

DIDN'T.

 

he had no obligation at all. You were no longer an item, and he was going his own way.

What the heck gives you the impression that he owed you anything of that kind?

What was he supposed to do, stay celibate until you gave him the all-clear?

WHY??

I was married to my ex- for 23 years. 12 days after we broke up and separated, he had slept with another woman.

That was his right, as a free agent. He owed me nothing, and I never asked him for anything. Unwritten, or otherwise.

 

I would always give People the respect that they deserve, even in fact if I do not care very much about them at all.

So if you'd met a gorgeous guy who you wanted to sleep with, you would have said to him, "I'm sorry, I can't sleep with you, out of respect for my ex- even though in fact I don't care for him very much at all"....?

I somehow don't think so....

Your new guy would feel decidedly slighted.... and rightly so!

What the heck would it have to do with your ex- what you do now?

 

I don't want to hold it against him. He has done nothing wrong. I would just need to be sure that he wouldn't disregard me like that again...

Read that again.

HE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG.

So... what the hell is it with the "I would need to be sure that he wouldn't disregard me like that again"...if he's done nothing wrong - ?

 

I'm sorry - you really need to get over yourself.

 

Thanks... I am very stubborn, and this is my problem.

You also have a slightly over-sized ego. I think you need to understand and come to terms with the fact that obviously, you were not as big a deal in his focus as you'd like to think you were.

7-year itch springs to mind. Maybe something was getting boring....?

 

But I'm slowly being able to see it from his side. Although the hurt is no less.

I hate to say it, but your pain is wholly self-inflicted.

It's indignation and disbelief, but you have to get over this. Because this perception is all on you, and he doesn't deserve a hard time over this.

In your own words - he did nothing wrong.

So quit flogging him over it.

And for that matter, yourself.

[MutteringUrchin]

Surprised to see some sense in a forum. Refreshing and pleasing.

 

A mistake many people make is to confuse the lingering licentiousess of emotional attachment with concepts such as Destiny, Fate, and Predetermination. A lot of us want these things to exist within the realm of love and the loss thereof, but it never quite works like that.

 

Being overawed with emotion is sometime what leads us into these situations in the first instance. Poor decisions, poorly thought-through. It's not a fault; we're human, we feel.

 

But when loving someone else because detrimental to yourself, it hardly ever ends well. Ever.

 

Interesting thread.

[TaraMaiden]

Off-Topic post:

 

Welcome MutteringUrchin (That will get shortened! )

 

You'll actually find an awful lot of sense, from an awful lot of members here, as it happens.

A lot of really cool posters, with very pertinent, wise and logical things to put forward.

 

Of course, they shine even more against the backdrop of buffoons! But we've all been that, too....!

 

Nice to meet you....

 

Ok, Back to Topic!

[MutteringUrchin]

I can hear the endearing yells of "Hey, Mutt!" already. Haha.

 

Nevertheless. Thank you.

[Beeotch]

Off-Topic post:

 

Welcome MutteringUrchin (That will get shortened! )

 

You'll actually find an awful lot of sense, from an awful lot of members here, as it happens.

A lot of really cool posters, with very pertinent, wise and logical things to put forward.

 

Of course, they shine even more against the backdrop of buffoons! But we've all been that, too....!

 

Nice to meet you....

 

Ok, Back to Topic!

 

 

 

Hilarious!

[Dan Kohn]

Just get over it and love him!

 

Loving someone means loving their imperfections as well as their good qualities.

 

No one is perfect! If you're waiting for someone who is perfect you're going to die alone.

 

My girlfriend dumped me 2 months ago, and 'fell in love' with another man within two weeks. I still love her because that's just who she is. Plus I know that sometimes people get into rebounds soon after breaking up because they can't cope with their pain in any other way.

 

Try to see the innocence in his actions...imagine he is a newborn baby and doesn't have all the answers.

 

Plus, you dumped HIM.

 

I know as someone who just got dumped, I've thought seriously about sleeping around...If I did though, I'd close my eyes and imagine it was my ex. I haven't, partially because I am sober, but I know if I was drinking I would have banged some chick by now...In the meantime I'm just going to wait for this rebound to play out...

[Fluffsticle]

Just to clear up this misunderstanding....

 

I did not Dump him!

 

I became miserable in myself. I had lost all my friends, and my family, due to living abroad for 4 years. I became miserable about who I was, and I felt dependant on him.

 

I was miserable and never did anything to fix it. I was so bogged down with everything. I never stopped to see how it was affecting our relationship, how I waas treating him etc.

 

He suggested us breaking up, and I agreed. It had to be done. I was heart broken for years. We were broke up 2 years.

 

Now the reasons we broke up are gone.

 

We were very loving while we were together.

Neither of us would have ever done anything to upset the other in the slightest. This is why I am finding it hard to get over how he could have done this knowing that it would have destroyed me. He knew me so well, and we never fell out. Although I have recently learned that he was unbelievably angry with me for not trying to fix anything.

 

Although, we had to break up. If we didn't I would still be the same now as I was then..

 

He is the best Guy I have ever known. I understand it was his way of dealing with the pain, knowing he couldn't have me.

 

I want to work through this, and believe it or not... I'm getting there. I am starting to see the light for the clouds again, and am realising that nothing else matters except that he would do anything for me, and always would have.

 

So I guess he dumped me. We both walked away amicably....

Maybe it's clearer now??

[Maverick1983]

Hi fluffsticle.I too was in a long term relationship of 8 years.In these 8 years we broke up a couple of times and as a result of this I ended up with other women a few weeks after.This is a very common reaction because it takes away the pain momentarily from the break up and it helps a persons self esteem when they feel bad about failing in a relationship.People almost always act uncharacteristically when they suffer a break up because after being with someone for so long it can become overwhelming to be alone.I would not dwell too much on what he did when ye were apart as that's not fair on him.If you genuinely want to be with him then you should start fresh and banish those feelings of jealousy and mistrust or it will not work for you both.Start fresh, with a clean slate and a clean conscience.If you can't then maybe that's your answer.All the best.

[Fluffsticle]

Thanks Maverick...

 

Yes I am trying to banish thouse thoughts. We have always took a 100% honesty policy, and I guess I was saying whatever would come into my head. Now I've learned that if I count to 2 hen these things enter my head then they get replaced by something else and there's no need to bring it up!

 

None of it matters. I don't feel insecure about it. I just need to focus on the positive. He also needs to show me some positives for me to focus on too.... which he is doing now, and it's making getting swept away again much easier.

[angie44]

I have read alot of these quite lengthy posts, I have to say that I broke up with my husband 7 months into our marriage, but he was always on the scene, coming round, us trying to make "another go of it" and all the while he had another woman, got her pregnant, told her he hated me wanted to marry her, adopt her daughter etc...so he was with her whilst trying to make a go of things with me.

I put up with alot from him...hitting me, stealing from me, treating me like sh**, but to go with someone to that level whilst trying to repair his marriage with me, is unforgivable.

He even had the nerve to come crawling back begging me to forgive him and take him back. Like what planet are you on!

I understand the comments made about going with someone to block feelings of hurt , a distraction...his infidelity would not have concerned me, but he took it to its deepest level.

We lost a baby 5 months ago, so to find out he had planned and is having a baby with someone else really stung, I didnt find out any of this from him...I had to get his fone and get this womans number and contact her to know all of this.

In the past I found it hard to get over the anger i felt for the sh** things he did to me, but I couldnt get passed it because he kept doing them and each time it took that little bit more away from me for him.

Truth is now, what he did has done me a huge favour, I am not in that emotional bandage anymore of trying to heal wounds and move forward because he just was never worth it, and going through all of this finally got me to see the light about what a complete lying cheating, wifebeating a**hole he really proved to be .

You have to go with your instinct about things, this I have learned in a harsh way, life is too short to waste it on something that you feel is inevitably going to end in some way in the future.

Time heals and you move on...