commonlife Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 Hi all, I am new here. Here is my story. i met this girl 8 months ago, she had just broken up with her boyfriend but they were still living together. I fell in love at first sight and hooked up together the first day. As long as her ex was at the flat, she would spend most of her time at my place (pestering a lot about him) and we would talk about how things would be easy, nice and perfect once he gets the hell out and find his own place and we were so happy. A couple of months later, he left, it was a huge relief... but for a short time. After a month or so, she started missing him and started spending more and more time with him, sleeping over at his place, he sleeping at her's (she assured me that nothing was going on but that she loved him like a brother...) anyway, the whole thing drove me nuts althought I was quite understanding with it until the balance was 80% him 15% her friends and 5% me... we eventually broke up twice in 2 months. Each time she came back, she said things would be ok but then they were not. The worst is that she kept saying it wasn't because of him but here, that I am the perfect guy that would make any girl the most happy on earth but that she just can't do it. After our last breakup, the kept hanging on to do a few things and we always ended up in casual sexe for 2-3 days then she would take off. More time passed, less the pain. About 3 weeks ago I deceided to go to NC because I needed time to heal. The good thing is that I met a psychiatric nurse the same time, we are in a relationship with no engagement and we talk a lot, it boosted my healing. Anyway, the first week, she kept texting me, I would reply shortly, politely but didn't open any doors. She even told me once that she missed me a lot and it wa driving her crazy (because she couldn't control it). After a week, whe aske me if I was seeing someone as I wasn't taking any initiative to contact her and that qhe wanted to see me to talk about where we are. I told here I wasn't seeing any one (althought today I think I should have told here it wasn't her business) and ok for a talk (mistake or no?) that she should tell me when she was available, then she went in NC for a week. I broke the NC (again another mistake) and arranged for the meeting in the next few days. Here is where I stand today. What do you think? Is she toying with me? does she have second thaughts? anyway I will soon find out (if she even talks about it).
Author commonlife Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 I just spent a few hours on he net and found this [COLOR=#800080]http://www.simplysolo.com/relationships/how_to_spot_a_commitment_phobic.html[/COLOR] Damn, it all sticks up, she is a commitment phobic...
DustySaltus Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 I just have a feeling she never broke up with the other guy. I think NC is the way to go here. Take things slow with the new girl if you really like her. If you still have feelings for your ex (although I don't even know if that's what I'd call her) then you shouldn't be with anyone right now. She used you to vent about the other guy. She used you as an emotional tampon.....for HER needs. Focus on your own needs and cut off all contact.
Author commonlife Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 Hi, first of all thanks for your answer. Regarding the new girl, she knows that she here to help me vent as I am the same for here. We have an agreement. We apreciate each other a lot but have no "feelings" what so ever so everything is cool on this side. As me being used by my ex to vent her ex, I thaught of it, i even talked to her about it but she kept denying it. I have in deed decided to focus on my needs, I don't know why i broke my NC but the meeting has been aranged. I will attend it (i am not the kind that calls anything off for no reason) and see what she has to say then it will be NC for good, the time I need to heal then maybe, really maybe we can be friends but I seiously doubt it as we never did anything together, she kept calling it off and heading for the ex...
Sophia8 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 She used you to vent about the other guy. She used you as an emotional tampon.....for HER needs. Focus on your own needs and cut off all contact. I completely agree with this. It seems as though she needs a back up in case things do not work out.
Sophia8 Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 The truth sucks... Unfortunately sometimes the truth does "suck". However, go with your first instinct, if you feel that she is using you for her needs and to get over her ex then probably this is true, or you might have another first instinct. Often problems arise when we chose to ignore this first instinct. I/we can only guess, you have much more knowledge of the situation. As for the hurting, you have to find what helps you best to deal with this. For me I find that I go travelling or reading or spending time with friends, studying, dancing etc. Try not to become too dependent on others though to help you with the pain as that can sometimes become messy.
Author commonlife Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 Thanks sophia8, my first instinct was that while not being conscious of it, she had to get away from her ex. i was there, I provided comfort. When he left, I think she realised at that point that she needed his presence (she says she loves him like a brother) and therefore ran back to him but I trust here enaught to think nothing went on. i thine that they were more like husband and wife but with no sexe as I was providing it. All I think now is "you want time with him, well take it. You have all the time in the world now, I am off the hook". As I said, i will go to the meeting but i won't fall for any casual sexe this time, my mind is made up. It is great at the moment but after that I just end up sleeping alone. Now I know and it is not worth it. But, if she tries to get back with promisses (I doubt but who knows) I don't know if I can trust her again. I wish i could but words mean nothing, action is what counts but how do you let action happen when you can't trust the person anymore. She really is not a bad person, i think she is really lost. As said before, I have to be strong and get away of all of this.
LovelyDaze Posted August 3, 2010 Posted August 3, 2010 As said before, I have to be strong and get away of all of this. Definitely start doing that. Most people will not completely let go of an ex for fear of "losing them." Well, that would actually be a good thing that they got lost. You won't be any good to you or your current GF if you are still in an emotional wrestling match with the ex. PLease do...get away of all of it. You will breathe easier and above all....be happy.
Author commonlife Posted August 3, 2010 Author Posted August 3, 2010 Thanks lovelydaze, I apreciate your words It will be done
Author commonlife Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 As for the hurting, you have to find what helps you best to deal with this. I think i didn't find the right thing in a new "girlfriend". As I said, she is a phychiatric nurse and we do a lot of talkink, it really is like counceling. she went on vacation monday for 2 weeks and this morning i got a panic attack. It didn't last long but it was there. i don't feel that good today, I know there is something deep in my mind. It doesn't hurt but it is bothering. I think I should find something else than relying on someone to make things good. People can leave, hobbies and friends no.
Sophia8 Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 It's always good to have people to talk to but at the same time other things in your life are always good, especially after a break up. I know that when I require some time to myself or to take my mind off of a break up, I go off horse-riding in the countryside and that works for me. If you don't know what helps you then try some different things and you will probably end up having a good time along the way. When you meet your ex try not to rush into any decisions. If she does want you back and makes promises etc, try and take some time to think things through. Make her aware that you require a bit of time, if she is genuine then she is likely to understand this. In the end only you know what is best for you, only you know what you are able to cope with.
EthanH Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 I'm going to tell you what I think, sorry if it comes over as harsh, but I feel I need to be blunt. 1) I know logic usually goes out of the window when emotions are involved, but didn't you see this coming when you first met her? I mean, she was still kinda with her ex... if any of your friends told you this story, you would say straight out 'you shouldn't have got into something with someone in such a situation'... I know hindsight is kinda pointless as you are where you are etc etc etc. 2) you were willing to accept being 5%... and then you are confused why she is happy with things to be that way? ... she had her cake and ate it... NC is certainly the way to go, it is the only way she is going to be able to fully comprehend how much she likes you. If she never gets back in contact with you, you know that it wasn't enough. In the meantime, do everything for yourself, be selfish, don't just flatline... you have been so great to her, you sound like a really great guy, but she doesn't deserve even your thoughts atm, if you concentrate on yourself, you are doing something which you are in control of and you can achieve something tangible.
Author commonlife Posted August 4, 2010 Author Posted August 4, 2010 Sophia8, your words are so sweet I took a suscription for rock climbing and I am really in a hurry to start. It will have 3 impacts, I'll meet new people (wich is what i really need), help me overcome my fear of hights (a big achievement for me), and will exhaust me (I am quite an anxious person and I need to exercise). So I think my salvation will come from here. As for the meeting, she wanted it so be it, it will happen and then it will be over, I don't think she is ready for anything and as it seems I was a rebond well all is said (unless a miracle happens) but like we say wait and see. i don't expect anything from it. Women usually like me so I am not really afraid but what is strange is that I think I can't open myself to anyone right now, the Berlin wall has been raised, now I have to figure out how to take it down brick by brick... EthanH, you are completely right, my friends have already melted my brain with all of this. But as you say, when you are in it, you don't see it. I would have told anyone to quit and run as far as possible. I thaught things would change by being understanding but she just took advantage of it. And non man, I didn't see it coming. She would pesterise about him, she was in a hurry for him to get out of the flat so i thaught everything was ok. it is when I got really hooked on her and tha the left that things changed, i was like fish in a net hanging to a "one-itis". As a said, i am not the kind to call comething off unless it is really imortant (I hear you saying i am more important ), so i will keep the meeting and then surely really pass to NC. As you said, if she really cares she will come back, but, I will take my life back not expecting anything. Just live, find hapinness and move forward; I just want to say thanks to all of you, you are really great and you are helping me a lot. i always feel good when I get your messages. Please keep up
EthanH Posted August 4, 2010 Posted August 4, 2010 ...sophia... you give good advice... any chance you could look at my post and give me some wisdom?
Not strong enough Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 (edited) This is probably what you dont wanna hear but you need to so you don't do it again. She had just broken up with someone she may have really cared for, and he may have really cared for her. They had something strong obviously. Well i wonder what you put her ex bf through, i wonder if he was hurting, because i bet he was hurting alot worse then you. She probably told you that he didn't treat her right, and alot of other things. But people do this, if they are mad at people they only wanna talk badly about them because it makes them feel better. So he probably loved her, she loved him, but she was mad, and wanted someone to complain to and take her mind off it. You saw her at a weak moment, so you decide your gonna come in and be the white knight and save the day, but if she truely loved him you werent really going to change anything, just mess things up further. Because you prolonged a reconciliation, by not letting things take a natural course. You had sex with her, and complicated things. You did alot of bad things to the other guy. No one ever seems to think about the person on the other end of all of it. But you sure feel it when it happens to you. Think about it this way, what if it was your long time girlfriend of many years, you loved each other, and got into a scuffle. Well your girlfriend goes out trying to clear her head, and along comes what i like to call a shark. Well that shark listens to her complain, he listens to all her problems and tries to make her think that the right thing happend by her and you breaking up. Shes at her weakest point, believes him and has sex with him. 3-4 months down the road she wants to get back with you, and its just that much harder, now even if you really could trust her, you wont ever feel like it. So what might have been a great thing and maybe a long marriage, is at the very least scard, because someone else decided they were going to prey on a weak women. (in this case it was you) You wouldnt like that very much now would you???? At the very least after becoming involved with you, you made her more confused and prolonged her healing, if they were not ment to be. So you know what common, you got what was coming to you, your a shark, and by my definition a home wrecker. Maybe atleast you will learn from this. I hope if stings nicely from the other side of the fence. Edited August 5, 2010 by Not strong enough
Author commonlife Posted August 5, 2010 Author Posted August 5, 2010 (edited) Well we can put things that way but when I met here, she told me she was single for some time and never metionned the guy living at her place until a week later. So there, I can't say I was a shark. Then the way she braught thing up was that she tried braking up for months but he was hanging on. And she was the one to make sure he finds out (hum writting this I realise something, was I a tool?). Anyway, real early in the relationship I asked her If she wanted to go on regarding all of this and said I would understand if we split up, she said no, we had to go one, she loved me and blablabla. Now, if she really loves him, let her go back to him and give me peace, I know the guy is dying for it. She is the one in control see? I never ment to hurt the guy, she was the one to make me meet him, i wasn't comfortable with it but she insisted. Why doesn't she get the hell out of my life and go back to him. All they need now is sexe and the thing is back on track. anyway, D-day is coming. Edited August 5, 2010 by commonlife
Not strong enough Posted August 5, 2010 Posted August 5, 2010 Well, i'm sorry your not a shark. But when she told u about the situation you should have got out of there. Because yes you are a tool. She doesn't know what she wants. When she wants to be away from him, she uses you to fill the void. When she doesn't she is with him. So, sorry for calling you a shark, but I'd leave it alone because she is using you, and if she's the confused one, and caused all her own problems, then she deserves to be in pain, and doesn't deserve to have anyone there for her.
Author commonlife Posted August 6, 2010 Author Posted August 6, 2010 Just to keep posted, It seems not seeing each other for a while was good for both of us. I have paste D-day and it was great, what had to be said was said and we are back together but things will be going slowly. I am not letting my guard down in any way I am not shouting victory, who knows I may be posting in 5 days that it is all over. But we both thaught about stuff and here we are. in fact we didn't even speak of getting back together, it just happened. Wait and see.
Author commonlife Posted August 9, 2010 Author Posted August 9, 2010 Hi, so as you know, we have hooked up for a few days now. she needed space so I let her have all the space she wants. The thing is that now I am not quite comfortable in proposing a date because I don't want here feeling pressure. We have exanged a few sms and msn during the past days but I would like to propose we see each other again now. How would you bring it up without making her feel forced to as she doesn't propose anything. Should I just stay cool and bring it up?
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