Delicate Subject- Incest in Stepfamily

[AVR1962]

This is a subject I realize not many admit to and poeple certainly do not talk about. I have read tht 1/3 of children have had an incestual encounter but no one talks about it. I am the parent, not the child and am still trying to understand.

 

I met husband when my daughter was 8, and stepson was 7, he had custody of his sons. Nothing seemed out of place. We raised the children as siblings. At 10 my daughter ran away from home, I thought it was because she had wanted to be with her dad who basically had abandoned her. She went to counseling and it was then that the couselor felt she had been sexually abused. We talked to the kids, I talked to my daughter, we explained right and wrong touching. Years after my daughter moved away from home she admitted that her stepbrother would sneak in her room at night and she finally got it to stop after 5 years, when she was 15.

 

Needless to say this created lots of tension in the family, stepson did admit to what my daughter claimed after 2 years of silence and no contact from him. Meanwhile, the shatter went clear down to aunts and uncles siding, splitting my family and my husband's against one another.

 

I think my daughter has genuinely forgiven her stepbrother, actually she never seemed angry. They have had contact since. They did talk, no other adults were present for this conversation so I am not sure what all was said but I understand they both apologized. I am the one who is still troubled by this. I get the feeling that my inlaws wanted to sweep it under the rug and now that the kids talked that makes it all better. I have since suspected that my daughter wasn't solely a victim in this and that is why she forgave so easily but then again I don't know how all this stuff affects your mind, and I know there has got to be some deep issues kind of twisted in her head. Stepson makes no contact with his dad or I, says the bridges have been burned. So she rats him out and he tells us bridges ahve been burned when he was the one doing this in the first place? Isn't this a little messed up or am I missing something here?

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, AVR.

I agree with you that it's one of those subjects that people don't have enough knowledge or experience to feel comfortable offering opinions.

 

Possibly how your daughter and stepson have been able to overcome their childhood experiences is by remembering that they were both just children and finding forgiveness (for self and other) within its proper context.

 

I would suggest that if they can forgive themselves and the other, then their grown-up family members ought to also be striving for that. Your stepson is a year younger than your daughter. He was only 9 years old. So, to be thinking of him as "the one doing this in the first place" does not accurately reflect the facts and extenuating circumstances...and is going to make it more difficult to find any compassion or forgiveness for him.

 

To me, there was no failure on the part of any of the adults. It just was two 10-year olds doing what some 10-year olds do, completely ignorant of the fact that they could suffer long-term negative consequences.

 

If your post is also about how you may be able to support them current-day -- perhaps, if/when you get the chance, to remind them that they were too young and too innocent to have to carry any shame or guilt as adults; and to let them know that childhood actions are not subject to the same standard of judgment/condemnation as is adult behaviour; and to tell them that your heart will remain open and you'll welcome the opportunity to listen and find out if/when/how you can help either one with this or any other life matter.

 

It is a delicate and difficult subject, but not so much that it can't be made easier with compassion, non-judgment, forgiveness and loving support.

Very best to all of you.

[2sure]

You might want to consider this possibility:

 

Your daughter may feel like she is at least partially responsible for the abuse. Or that something about her deserved it or brought it on. Her way of dealing with that may be to "forgive" or side with the abuser in an attempt to not be a victim. It isnt uncommon for victims of sexual abuse to blame themselves. But its wrong and its something that can shape the way you feel about yourself & relationships for many years.

 

The other thing I wonder is this: Is it possible that your daughter has anger more toward you and your family for not protecting her from this?

[NancyBotwin]

My BFF in high school was molested by her step brother. The family on the step brother's side blew it off because they did not consider it incest because there was no blood relationship. Due to the step relationship, they considered it inappropriate touching, and swept it under the rug. Sick, I know. Not sure if this helps, but is something to consider.

[AVR1962]

Thanks, all the replies do help. I do think my daughter was dealing with guilt and have no doubt that the reason my stepson has no contact with the family is out of guilt. And the more I think about this and have dealt with it I can see I have accepted what happened, I can see that what started out as 10 year olds during a curious time of hormones can be forgiven and understood. I guess this is my hang-up.....when my stepson confessed this happened, he said he could not stop himself onece it got started......okay, I can deal with that. It sounds like my daughter was really trying to get it stopped, went as far as having another male friend threaten to beat him up. It bothers me that my stepson after the admission said that "he was male" and therefore 'of course type' attitude felt we were supposed to understand just because his hormones were raging. Maybe it was his way of getting off the hook and getting some understanding from the male family members but what I felt is what may have been innocent crossed the line to abuse (husband agrees to this too) when she was trying to stop it and he would not. My daughter's life is a mess, his life is a mess. I have tried to reach out to him with undertsanding as much as I could and I tell you it has been hard but he has nothing to do with the family except his step sister and his younger brother. I have no doubt that he is still dealing this and is still angry that this was ever exposed. Everytime something comes up concerning my stepson I start having nightmares and can't sleep at night. He was a very angry boy growing up......maybe partly just his nature but I think he was angry because his mom left....she basically walked out of his life after his parents divorced and there was nothing in the world anyone could do to help him with the loss of his mother in his life. They have since reconnected and last I knew he had been living with her for a few years (he is 28). Last I knew he blamed his dad for divorcing his mom (she was messing around on him) and could not undertsand why he stayed with me so he's dealing with alot of hurt and resentment. As a small child he would scream that he hated me, carved it in his dresser, wrote it on his calendar and I am a very patient person (children love me, I am a teacher). I think it was more that he felt I was trying to replace his mom and I tried to reassure him that I was not trying to replace her. Once his mom realized I was in the picture she tried to put damaging thoughts in the boys' heads when she did have contact and I am not sure how much they beleived. If they told me anything I would try to dispell any lies. He told my daughter that he wanted me dead (he was a teenager then) and felt he could kill me in my sleep. I think this is why I have the nighmares. I do think he is dangerous and not just to me.....I think he is a danger to women in general. Eventhough he loves his mom and think he knows how she is and hates alot that she has done but transfers that hate to his dad or me. Rather than blaming his mom for an affair or for leaving he had to find reason for her actions to justify things in his head and so I think it set off a love/hate relationship that he deals with in connection to the opposite sex. He is a cleptomaniac and as a boy/teen loved fires and set a couple in the house. He did have counseling but is very charming, very bright and knows what to say....basically fooled his couselor and she felt 3 sessions were good. She did take it seriously and there was an agreement made. He had to return all the stolen stuff, as much as possible, with an apology to the people. Again, because he was just a quite, good student (most of the stolen stuff came from school) the teachers let him off. he then got mad at his dad and I....felt that he didn't need the couseling in the first palce and was mad that he had to return and apologize to everyone. So it seems no matter what has happened he has found a wya to blame his dad or I. He has avoided family functions that he knew we were going to attend. He actually in a family member's house one day when we arrived, he went out the back door. So on the rare occasions he does "Need" something and contacts his father it brings all this out for us.

[Gold Pile]

Being equally matched in age It's possible this was a mutual activity on their part...2 kids exploring. Certainly its possible it was a one sided assualt too. Hard to tell.

 

I would send (anonymous) a letter to EVERYONE in the family detailing what happened. Those who would deny it happened will then have trouble pretending it didn't. They'll still be bitter but they'll be thwarted too.

[Ronni_W]

AVR,

Big hugs. Clearly this is still a huge unresolved 'thing' for you or, at least, there are important 'pieces' that remain unresolved/unhealed within you. (Perhaps also for other family members but that's not clear in your posts.)

 

Do you have any ideas what YOU need, or might need, in order to find...well, to find whatever YOU need/want about it. (Peace, forgiveness, etc.) What are your underlying feelings and fears that are keeping it "present and alive" for you? Who or what might be able to help you come to terms with it, and stop it from eating away at you?

 

If he's 28 now, it means this happened 19 years ago. However, it comes across that it all still feels very raw for you. You do deserve to have your own peace. In order for you to heal from the consequences of what your stepson did, what permission do you need to give yourself, what do you need to hear and from whom do you need to hear it, and/or, what do you need to tell yourself?

 

Sending Courage and Peace.