Boyfriend uncomfortable w/ my modeling swimwear/lingerie on ebay

[star_light13]

Hello,

I found this site and thought it might be a good place to ask for advice.

I had an issue come up recently with my boyfriend of 5 years. We are very close and respectful of eachother and try our best to communicate and sort out issues.

In the last year I have begun selling clothing on ebay for extra income....mostly vintage and 50's themed clothing....sort of rockabilly/pin-up style. At first I just took pics of the clothing, then I moved on to getting a mannequin to display clothing which helped it sell...and recently in the last month I started modeling some of the clothing that was too big for or didn't look right on my mannequin since it seemed to help it sell better when it was on a person. I didn't even think to mention this to my boyfriend because I wasn't even thinking of the idea of other guys looking at it. I was only coming from the perspective of wanting to sell my items and thinking women would be looking for the clothing, swimwear, vintage lingerie.

Well, my boyfriend knows me well and is very perceptive. He noticed that I had changed the picture on my myspace page and figured out that I took it myself. This led him to ask me if I was taking pics for my ebay store...which I said yes. And then he asked if I was taking pics of myself in lingerie or swimwear. I couldn't lie and said I did have one swimsuit listed and I did list a slip and a romper.....I didn't mention I had a pair of pettipants too which I guess is considered lingerie. I didn't model underwear or bras (except I realize now that my bra was visible in one picture). I felt so awful that he felt bothered by this and thought I wanted to flaunt myself for other men or be a 'pinup model' or 'lingerie model'. He knows I collect vintage 50s memorabilia and pin-up art so he thought I wanted to be like the pin-up art I collect. And he was not comfortable with this idea and while he didn't want to control me he was just being honest that he didn't feel he could be with someone who did that. He couldn't handle it. He wishes he was like one of those guys who would like it or even want to take the pictures for me, but he is more reserved with these things and doesn't want other guys looking at me. Or he feels that being seen in lingerie or swimsuits or something where you are showing a lot of skin is too intimate to share with strangers. Which I do understand because while I'm not too bothered by girls looking at him, I am bothered if he would look at other girls or even look at pornogrophy or anything. And he respects my wishes that he would never go to a strip club or look at pornogrophy, etc...so I feel like I should respect his wishes too. I guess when I think about it I didn't realize what I was doing that guys would be looking at the pics and I wouldn't really want them getting circulated.

I feel torn on the issue because on one hand I love him and want to respect his wishes as I would hope he would respect mine, yet on the other hand it was a way for me I think to feel good about my body. I had suffered for years with eating disorders and never felt good about myself until this point in my life (I am 30 years old). So I think it was a liberating thing for me to feel confident enough in myself to post those pictures modeling my items.

He wasn't really angry and didn't say anything bad. He just said he personally didn't feel comfortable with it and it also confused him because I tend to be kind of shy sexually. Or I have issues that I am working on in counseling and he thought that I didn't want to show him my body but wanted to show others. Which isn't true but I can see it from his perspective. He thought maybe I was changing my direction in life and he wanted to talk with me about it. He thought he didn't know me anymore cause it seemed out of my character. He said he has known girls who are like 'It's my body and I can do what I want with it'and they don't respect their partners feelings at all. This bothered me becuase I do feel like it is my body and I can do what I want with it. And he does acknowledge that too....that he doesn't want to control me. He is just being honest with how uncomfortable it makes him feel.

I didn't want to lose our relationship over it but continued to talk with him. Especially the fact that I didn't see anything wrong with occasionally modeling a swimsuit and he had an issue with this. It came down to him saying I can do what I need to do if it is important to me. Basically that he tried to accept me modeling swimsuits...but I know he would not want me modeling lingerie.

I feel confused about the whole thing and don't really know how important it is to me to do it or not. Obviously it must be important or I wouldn't be bothered. I think he is trying his best to accept it as much as he can, but I don't want to feel controlled or wrong or ashamed. It was a way for me to feel good about my body that I hadn't for my whole life. I know he doesn't want to control me or want me to not do it and then resent him for it.

Any help, ideas or suggestions would be so appreciated.

Thanks so much,

Sincerely,

star

[Rifareal]

Having said that you wanted to do anything you want might strike you back. Somehow guys basic act is to fair if you do this i can or will also do this. You are sure he didn't want you to do that and what if he will do something that you also didn't want.

[Ruby Slippers]

1. He's your boyfriend. Of 5 years. Not your husband. He really has no claim on you. Not that a husband does, either, but there is a different level of commitment in a marriage.

 

2. Most men on this forum will tell you ALL MEN look at porn, and he's probably not being truthful when he says he never looks at it. Especially compared to that, what you are doing is small potatoes.

 

3. I know what you mean about seeing your own body in a new way. It wasn't until I took some saucy pics for a boyfriend of mine, and later showed them to other guys (after he and I broke up), that I got an objective sense of my level of attractiveness. After my own struggles with self-esteem, this was very eye opening.

 

4. It is your body, and you are doing nothing wrong.

[JustJoe]

I agree with Ruby. It is your body and you can display it any way you want.....period. The issue here, it seems to me, is whether or not this is a dealbreaker for either of you. Let me ask , how serious is your relationship? If it's a serious, long-term relationship, the perhaps a compromise is in order. No revealing underwear, but swimsuits and non-revealing stuff is OK. This isn't an attempt at restricting your rights as it is an attempt at solving an issue. To be in a good relationship , respecting the opinions and preferences of the other person, as much as is consistant with your own personal rights and beliefs, is fundamental. I would not want other men leering at my GF, nor would I want her to display her body either nude or in revealing clothes, so it would be a dealbreaker for me. JMO.

[star_light13]

Hello,

I really appreciate your replies and the different viewpoints. I guess that is the point of it all...is that everyone has a different opinion.

I talked again w/ my BF today and he was feeling upset/bad because he didn't want me to see him as controlling or like he was saying I couldn't do what I wanted. He said that he can't stop me from doing anything if I want to.

Yet I also respect his feelings and we are in a serious long-term relationship so I do believe in compromising with eachother. Obviously if there was something that he was doing that bothered me, I would feel good if he took my feelings into consideration and I want to do the same for him.

It is kind of a tricky slope to travel. I guess the best we can do is keep talking about it. He keeps feeling wrong like he is holding me back or preventing me from doing something I want to do. He doesn't want to be seen as controlling and I don't see him that way. I know he is just being honest with how he feels and what he can handle or what is a 'deal-breaker' for him.

I know it is also something I need to think about and consider as well...how important is it to me and will I feel resentful if I compromise or can we come to a compromise where both sides are okay with things.

If this was not a real serious relationship or just some random guy that I didn't see a future with...I wouldn't be so conflicted about it...but I do love him very much and care about what he thinks as much as I also want to stay true to myself. I understand that some guys would be okay with it and some guys would not. Just as some girls are okay with their parnters going to strip clubs and some are not..for lack of a better analogy.

I thank you for letting me vent/share this issue here as it helps to get differing opinions and see the issue from all angles.

Thank you and I appreciate any advice/ideas.

Sincerely,

star

[Untouchable_Fire]

Which I do understand because while I'm not too bothered by girls looking at him, I am bothered if he would look at other girls or even look at pornogrophy or anything. And he respects my wishes that he would never go to a strip club or look at pornogrophy, etc...so I feel like I should respect his wishes too.

 

I feel torn on the issue because on one hand I love him and want to respect his wishes as I would hope he would respect mine, yet on the other hand it was a way for me I think to feel good about my body. I had suffered for years with eating disorders and never felt good about myself until this point in my life (I am 30 years old).

 

So your Ok controlling what he looks at, but your not Ok if he asks you not to circulate pictures of yourself in lingerie?

 

And... if I get you correctly... your saying that the only way your going to feel good about your body is by displaying it to other men?

 

Don't try to argue by saying men don't use Ebay... because I'm not dumb.

 

The only thing that really confuses me is why you didn't think to tell him about this in the first place... unless you already knew he would be uncomfortable with it. I respect that your trying to make some money, but I'm 100% sure you can find another model.

[crimsonmike]

So your Ok controlling what he looks at, but your not Ok if he asks you not to circulate pictures of yourself in lingerie?

 

And... if I get you correctly... your saying that the only way your going to feel good about your body is by displaying it to other men?

 

Don't try to argue by saying men don't use Ebay... because I'm not dumb.

 

The only thing that really confuses me is why you didn't think to tell him about this in the first place... unless you already knew he would be uncomfortable with it. I respect that your trying to make some money, but I'm 100% sure you can find another model.

 

^^^Exactly.

 

So, he can't look at strangers on the internet because it bothers you, but he's suppossed to be OK with you modeling underwear on the internet????

That's ridiculous.

 

I don't blame him for being uncomfortable with it. While he may not be your husband, you've been together 5 years. Not like it's some guy you just met.

[dispatch3d]

lol didn't read your opening post, but as to the title of this thread hahaha no duh! Man I'd definitely be pissed if I was him. Why would you even want to sell your old swimsuits+underwear? I would not want some stranger wearing my boxers....

[carhill]

Mannequins are relatively inexpensive. I'd stick with that, and possibly 'dress it up'. Since the clothing is presumably being sold to women, I'm sure they can process what it looks like on them, just like when they shop in the store.

 

If you enjoy vintage (I love it) here's a forum made just for you. Enjoy!

 

I think some healthy work on finding middle ground on the apparent double standard currently extant in your R will help you strengthen it over time.

 

Welcome to LS

Edited August 3, 2010 by carhill

[star_light13]

I thank you for all your replies. It really does help me see it in a different light and I'm so glad you helped me see that it came across as a double-standard. Cause others I had talked with about it didn't even mention that.....they didn't think that me being uncomfortable with him looking at porn was the same as him being uncomfortable w/ me modeling. They said it would be the same if he wanted to model or if I wanted to look at porn(neither of which are the case...I have no desire to look at porn and he has no desire to model...which I'd be okay with if he wanted to) but that they wouldn't compare the two. So it helps me to hear others who do see it as a double standard or who compare the two things.

It may seem stupid but I really was that naive with posting the pics on a listing and not even thinking of guys looking for them or at them. My mother is quite conservative and she had seen the pictures and didn't think twice either. I spoke to her after my BF was upset and she felt like an idiot too...not even thinking of the fact that guys would look at them or possibly take/save the picture or something. I literally was only thinking that women would be looking at them cause I was coming from the perspective of 'why would a guy be looking for a vintage slip on ebay'?

Sure makes me look pretty naive and foolish but I am glad that all this has been brought to my attention.

Thanks for the link to the 'vintage' forum.

I do have a mannequin that I use to model most of my items. I only modeled them myself occasionally when the item doesn't look right on the mannequin(too baggy or doesn't fit right..it's a pretty small mannequin). And when I said lingerie...it was more like Vintage 50s slips or pettipants or rompers....no bras or skimpy underwear or anything like that.

Anyways....you guys help a lot and I really appreciate it.

Anything else you have to say is appreciated as well.

Sincerely,

star

[D-Lish]

then I moved on to getting a mannequin to display clothing which helped it sell...and recently in the last month I started modeling some of the clothing that was too big for or didn't look right on my mannequin since it seemed to help it sell better when it was on a person.

 

A mannie is the absolute best way to present your fashion product.

It's professional, and you can pin it back to make the clothes fit any way you want them to. You can't do that on yourself.

 

I guess I am agreeing with others, that you are looking for validation.

[star_light13]

Sorry I didn't see the last reply until after I posted mine.

I do believe in my heart he is feeling that way because he cares. And it helps to have other people validate that point. I probably had too many people saying the other way 'He can't control you...he is wrong to want to stop you' or other guys saying that they would be fine with their girlfriends modeling. I know even my BF said he knows guys who would be fine with it and probably would even want to take the pictures and he said sorry he isn't one of those guys. But I like him for who he is.

And re: how would I feel if he wanted to strip at a club? I don't know unless I was in the situation. It's easy to say if you're not in a situation. But I do feel that if he had an ebay business and wanted to sell the occasional swimsuit...I wouldn't be bothered if he took pics for the business or modeled it.

And re: am I doing it just to do it? Well...my intentions w/ modeling a swimsuit are to help the sales on my ebay business/store. I noticed that other sellers I spoke with had more sales when they had themselves or another person model the items so it was just something I was trying in the past month to see if it helped sales.

My ebay business is one of my main sources of income selling Vintage clothing and accessories so I always want to do what I can to increase sales. That is where my intentions were re: this whole issue.

Hope this helps and thanks so much for all the feedback.

Sincerely,

star

[sally4sara]

There is no double standard in this.

 

You want to sell clothes. Clothes sell better when would be customers see how it fits on a person. You are not selling the clothes on a porn site or for that intent. To compare it to porn is ridiculous. That's like calling the Sears catalog a porno mag because they sell undergarments just because some kids fapped off to it for a lack of real pornography material.

 

It would only be a double standard if you did these pic and put them on a porno site. It is not the OP's fault that some folks will sexualize the human form in any state of dress or undress. What are you all going to suggest next - burkas because some men will ogle women on the street and some of those women don't want their SOs watching porn? No going to the pool without long johns unless you want your BF to be justified in watching some chick get a train ran on her? These are the mentalities that hinder women from living with the basic freedoms ALL people have a right to. Much in the same way girls don't get exposed to many experiences out of an overblown emphasis on the illusion of chastity. "You can't play soccer at recess dear; someone might get a glimpse of your undies!":rolleyes:

 

Even if she were a shoe maker and modeled the shoes she made - SOMEONE would look at it in a sexually arousing way.

 

She says she wouldn't want him watching porn - but I'm betting most of us immediately thought "oh honey he probably already does".

 

Don't buy into the bitter guys on here and their views. They chose crappy partners and got cheated on or they've always been controlling twats and killed their relationships by being so. Their advise is biased - they're still seeking to punish some girl from their past.

 

This is your livelihood. And you feel good about it. What kind of partner would seek to limit you on these two points? A selfish one.

 

For the sake of compromise - I'm going to suggest you start selling your wares on Etsy.com instead of ebay. Ebay does sell sex toys and adult themed items. Etsy does not.

 

As a fellow garment maker - I wish you all the luck and an elimination of petty obstacles.

[carhill]

OP, is your face recognizable in your ads or are they body shots only?

[Untouchable_Fire]

Don't buy into the bitter guys on here and their views. They chose crappy partners and got cheated on or they've always been controlling twats and killed their relationships by being so. Their advise is biased - they're still seeking to punish some girl from their past.

 

Guh... I resent the implication that I'm some bitter hack just getting my rocks off by making some poor lady feel bad.

 

Look, there is nothing wrong with her modeling the clothes. The problem is that she is using it for validation... and that is what makes it like him viewing porn. It's like emotional masturbation... not cool. Just like I'm not Ok with my GF obsessively reading romance novels. Once in a while is fine, but when it's obsessive...

 

Did you really think that the issue comes from what some wackadoo guy may do with her photos?

[alexlakeman]

We're going to have to see the ebay ad, to see exactly what ur bf is bothered by

[kalikula]

I can see why your boyfriend would be uncomfortable with that... It's the internet and anyone could view it and probably wank off to it if they think you're hot, which is kind of gross. I can see why he wouldn't want you to post your body in a swimsuit on display for anyone to see. Facebook is one thing- only your friends would see that picture- but ebay is another... Furthermore, it seems to me that you want to display your body and get approval from strangers- knowing that improved sales are probably because of your body.

 

I don't think that's really the healthiest way to feel good about your body, when it is already creating a conflict between you and your bf. Maybe you should try something else, like take a dance class, take sexy pictures just for your bf, buy a sexy dress and wear it out, etc... I think it's weird that this is so important to you.... Although it's good you feel healthy about your body now, I don't see why you need this sort of validation.

[SarahRose]

It is a double standard.

 

I'm very sure your bf looks at porn. He just isn't going to tell you about it.

 

All these guys having a cow about posing for an ebay ad would defend their right to be sexually stimulated and satisfied to porn.

 

 

I'll use the same old excuse the guys use to defend their porn use.

 

Men look at porn because they are visual and want variety.

 

Women want variety in attention from men. It is normal and natural to get external validation from men so men who have a problem with it are just insecure and should get over it.

[txsilkysmoothe]

What does your boyfriend expect you to do if you actually go swimming?

 

What man goes to ebay seeking masturbation material?

 

His desire to look at porn and your desire to model swimsuits and modest lingerie are not comparable. In viewing porn, he is seeking sexual gratification. By modeling, you are not seeking sexual gratification nor do you possess an interest in providing sexual gratification.

 

I probably would stop, but there is a hint of "manipulation" in his argument that bothers me.

[sally4sara]

Guh... I resent the implication that I'm some bitter hack just getting my rocks off by making some poor lady feel bad.

 

Look, there is nothing wrong with her modeling the clothes. The problem is that she is using it for validation... and that is what makes it like him viewing porn. It's like emotional masturbation... not cool. Just like I'm not Ok with my GF obsessively reading romance novels. Once in a while is fine, but when it's obsessive...

 

Did you really think that the issue comes from what some wackadoo guy may do with her photos?

 

I'm not sure what reading romance novels has to do with what the OP is doing. What is she doing that is obsessive? Selling clothes? Should she just suck at what she is trying to do?

And I often find your posts (among others) to be of the tone I described.

 

So what if a clothes seller gets validation by selling the clothes? I feel good when I sell my work too. Anyone, when they accomplish something they put work into is going to feel good by it. How is that emotional masturbation? Do you think the purchaser and her have a steamy heart to heart during the purchase? And if she is selling the stuff she described, most of her buyers will be female.

 

It sounds a whole lot like suggesting she shouldn't do things that make her feel good unless her BF approves.

[txsilkysmoothe]

take sexy pictures just for your bf - the photographer will see her or did you mean for her to take the photos herself?

 

 

buy a sexy dress and wear it out - out? in public? where men can see her and go home and wank off while thinking about her?

 

I don't see why you need this sort of validation - I don't see how it's validation? She doesn't know "who" sees the pics or if they approve of the pics - there is zero feedback. It's EBay!

 

 

:confused: Who knew ebay was a porn destination?

[kalikula]

Weirdos on the internet masturbate to everything!

 

Believe me.... I know

 

Example: My friend had a picture of her up on Facebook,, sexy but not naked or anything her profile was public, and her friend mentioned that he found it on a porn-esque site!!

[Ruby Slippers]

There is no double standard in this.

 

You want to sell clothes. Clothes sell better when would be customers see how it fits on a person. You are not selling the clothes on a porn site or for that intent. To compare it to porn is ridiculous. That's like calling the Sears catalog a porno mag because they sell undergarments just because some kids fapped off to it for a lack of real pornography material.

 

It would only be a double standard if you did these pic and put them on a porno site. It is not the OP's fault that some folks will sexualize the human form in any state of dress or undress. What are you all going to suggest next - burkas because some men will ogle women on the street and some of those women don't want their SOs watching porn? No going to the pool without long johns unless you want your BF to be justified in watching some chick get a train ran on her? These are the mentalities that hinder women from living with the basic freedoms ALL people have a right to. Much in the same way girls don't get exposed to many experiences out of an overblown emphasis on the illusion of chastity. "You can't play soccer at recess dear; someone might get a glimpse of your undies!":rolleyes:

 

Even if she were a shoe maker and modeled the shoes she made - SOMEONE would look at it in a sexually arousing way.

 

She says she wouldn't want him watching porn - but I'm betting most of us immediately thought "oh honey he probably already does".

 

Don't buy into the bitter guys on here and their views. They chose crappy partners and got cheated on or they've always been controlling twats and killed their relationships by being so. Their advise is biased - they're still seeking to punish some girl from their past.

 

This is your livelihood. And you feel good about it. What kind of partner would seek to limit you on these two points? A selfish one.

 

For the sake of compromise - I'm going to suggest you start selling your wares on Etsy.com instead of ebay. Ebay does sell sex toys and adult themed items. Etsy does not.

 

As a fellow garment maker - I wish you all the luck and an elimination of petty obstacles.

sally said it all. I used to sell handmade, crocheted hats and scarves occasionally, and I put them on my own head and around my own neck and took a picture. It would have been ridiculous to find some other model to come over and wear my hats for me, given that I wasn't running an actual business.

[carhill]

I quickly scanned about 600 ads for 'vintage lingerie'. Most which appeared on any sort of shape appeared on a mannequin. I saw three distinct sellers who used human models (no idea if they are the seller or not) and two of those three had head/full body shots.

 

Here's an example of one of them. I actually quite like her ads. The seller appears to be the model. Funny and topical. Of course, she's easy on the eyes. 100% positive feedback. Private sales, meaning bidders identities are undisclosed. I will say, by my small sampling, that the ads with a 'human' model seemed to have more consistent bids.

 

Hope they work things out

[stillafool]

Hello,

I found this site and thought it might be a good place to ask for advice.

I had an issue come up recently with my boyfriend of 5 years. We are very close and respectful of eachother and try our best to communicate and sort out issues.

In the last year I have begun selling clothing on ebay for extra income....mostly vintage and 50's themed clothing....sort of rockabilly/pin-up style. At first I just took pics of the clothing, then I moved on to getting a mannequin to display clothing which helped it sell...and recently in the last month I started modeling some of the clothing that was too big for or didn't look right on my mannequin since it seemed to help it sell better when it was on a person. I didn't even think to mention this to my boyfriend because I wasn't even thinking of the idea of other guys looking at it. I was only coming from the perspective of wanting to sell my items and thinking women would be looking for the clothing, swimwear, vintage lingerie.

Well, my boyfriend knows me well and is very perceptive. He noticed that I had changed the picture on my myspace page and figured out that I took it myself. This led him to ask me if I was taking pics for my ebay store...which I said yes. And then he asked if I was taking pics of myself in lingerie or swimwear. I couldn't lie and said I did have one swimsuit listed and I did list a slip and a romper.....I didn't mention I had a pair of pettipants too which I guess is considered lingerie. I didn't model underwear or bras (except I realize now that my bra was visible in one picture). I felt so awful that he felt bothered by this and thought I wanted to flaunt myself for other men or be a 'pinup model' or 'lingerie model'. He knows I collect vintage 50s memorabilia and pin-up art so he thought I wanted to be like the pin-up art I collect. And he was not comfortable with this idea and while he didn't want to control me he was just being honest that he didn't feel he could be with someone who did that. He couldn't handle it. He wishes he was like one of those guys who would like it or even want to take the pictures for me, but he is more reserved with these things and doesn't want other guys looking at me. Or he feels that being seen in lingerie or swimsuits or something where you are showing a lot of skin is too intimate to share with strangers. Which I do understand because while I'm not too bothered by girls looking at him, I am bothered if he would look at other girls or even look at pornogrophy or anything. And he respects my wishes that he would never go to a strip club or look at pornogrophy, etc...so I feel like I should respect his wishes too. I guess when I think about it I didn't realize what I was doing that guys would be looking at the pics and I wouldn't really want them getting circulated.

I feel torn on the issue because on one hand I love him and want to respect his wishes as I would hope he would respect mine, yet on the other hand it was a way for me I think to feel good about my body. I had suffered for years with eating disorders and never felt good about myself until this point in my life (I am 30 years old). So I think it was a liberating thing for me to feel confident enough in myself to post those pictures modeling my items.

He wasn't really angry and didn't say anything bad. He just said he personally didn't feel comfortable with it and it also confused him because I tend to be kind of shy sexually. Or I have issues that I am working on in counseling and he thought that I didn't want to show him my body but wanted to show others. Which isn't true but I can see it from his perspective. He thought maybe I was changing my direction in life and he wanted to talk with me about it. He thought he didn't know me anymore cause it seemed out of my character. He said he has known girls who are like 'It's my body and I can do what I want with it'and they don't respect their partners feelings at all. This bothered me becuase I do feel like it is my body and I can do what I want with it. And he does acknowledge that too....that he doesn't want to control me. He is just being honest with how uncomfortable it makes him feel.

I didn't want to lose our relationship over it but continued to talk with him. Especially the fact that I didn't see anything wrong with occasionally modeling a swimsuit and he had an issue with this. It came down to him saying I can do what I need to do if it is important to me. Basically that he tried to accept me modeling swimsuits...but I know he would not want me modeling lingerie.

I feel confused about the whole thing and don't really know how important it is to me to do it or not. Obviously it must be important or I wouldn't be bothered. I think he is trying his best to accept it as much as he can, but I don't want to feel controlled or wrong or ashamed. It was a way for me to feel good about my body that I hadn't for my whole life. I know he doesn't want to control me or want me to not do it and then resent him for it.

Any help, ideas or suggestions would be so appreciated.

Thanks so much,

Sincerely,

star

 

PLEASE put them back on the mannequin. I shop for vintage items on eBay and I get grossed out when I see people with the clothes on. It's enough that they are vintage but I don't want another persons body in them immediately before I buy them. Even though I get them cleaned , I don't like the items being stretched out of shape.